And this is why we make those BIG changes!

have I questioned myself before making the change? Yes!
have I reprimanded myself for taking the unknown path? Yes!
have I regretted making the decisions I have made? No!
has it been worth it? Finally, when it all seems to falling into place, Yes!

Career and all- falling into place, check
Lovelife- falling into place, nope- broke up again last week
Travel- going everywhere, not quite
Everything else- getting there

All in all, doing pretty well- the changes were well worth it so you know what, go embrace that decision, scary and all as it is, ‘cos you only live once!

Hooray!

Got to love this Venn diagram- it is awesome- SO lucky I have almost always worked in the Hooray zone or recognised when the Hooray zone doesn’t remain such so I can make the necessary changes…

It’s all VERY exciting- thinking of changing my path currently for a period of 2 years… let’s see! All in all, tiresome, stressed, busy but fun and exciting times ahead- bring it on 🙂

When I am dying…

This article on the most common things people think of while dying got me thinking about what I would like to say when I am on my deathbed:

– I achieved everything I really wanted to: In fairness, when I was 25, I said that one a call to my mother from Antarctica and recall saying “if I die now, I will die knowing I achieved what I was put on earth for”

– I am glad I worked so hard- it gave me a sense of fulfilment and allowed me to explore areas & boundaries I may not always have managed. However, I would like to be able to add: “I managed to strike a balance so I could also make time for all the things that I wanted to- time for myself, my friends, my family, my hobbies, my interests and the things that I wanted to achieve by working as hard I did”

– I was honest about my feelings- Yes, I know I keep some a secret and I perhaps always will- I don’t think anyone will ever know how deeply I truly felt about FL, or how much I actually detest the guy who took my innocence away, or how hurt I was when my father walked away or so many other instances but when it affects someone else or someone can do something about it, I usually do share what’s on my mind- good, bad and the ugly!

– I always made time for what was important to me- my friends, my family- see #2. I was wholesome- whatever I did, I gave it my all- be it hanging out with friends, nurturing my family, looking after my adults etc etc etc

– I stopped doing anything that made me unhappy- I quit a job I was brilliant at, I broke a perfectly good relationship (actually 2 of them- SL and TL), I walked away from a company I totally love (Well, about to), I stopped meeting friends I didn’t want to be with and so many other example

So far, I have traversed the roads that I have and amde the decisions I have made for my happiness which allow me to keep most of the regrets people have away from my life- here’s hoping I succeed. I want to be remembered for my smile, my optimism, my zest for life, my need to always do something different and my ability to always and always be wholesome & honest.

Decision Made

I am taking back the right to MY happiness back from whoever took it. Simple as.

Today has been a tough day- when I am being told I am bullsh!tting, given out for correcting people when they have practically lied to me/ underperformed/ not done anything for the benefit of the organisation, the person giving out to me deserves to be shot especially since the person doesn’t know how to manage.

And when I am asked why I am so angry and I say “I told you yesterday”, the reaction is “you mean, this is about a dinner?” FFS- Not about dinner, YOU TWAT, it’s about the conversation I referred to. The one we need to have for me to carry on without affecting the business.

So I have made a decision, I have till Sunday evening to make this dinner happen- ideal day for me is Thursday in Dublin- somewhere quiet. Till then, I am not going into the office- I will go for the 2 meetings I have on Tuesday, 1 on Wednesday and then I am gonna feck off somewhere few can find me- somewhere I can relax, somewhere I can chill, somewhere I can get a walk, somewhere I can be me, somewhere I can try and feel better, somewhere where I don’t feel the need to kill someone.

And if the dinner has not happened till then, come Monday, I walk into the office and print a letter that I certainly don’t want to print in these circumstances.

This means I will potentially be homeless, a best-friend short, jobless, desperately sad but relieved and at the end of it all, happy.

Thank you Dr. F, you have done it again. I adores you.
Thank you all my friends who called me today- whether offering to come down to give me a hug/ take me out for dinner/ drive me somewhere else or those who offered to pay for a flight for me to wherever they were or those who called me to just hear me cry. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO very lucky to have the support and the people I have.

If 3 of my friends (and one of them is pretty impatient herself) who know I am not patient think I have shown the patience and restraint of a dozen saints, think I have been treated like scum, think I have been disrespected, think I have made the wrong decision and realise I am now at breaking point, I can only imagine how broken I must have sounded on the phone today.

I am not in a good spot- even breaking my engagement and having my whole life taken away, even seeing my horse die, even getting r@ped (sorry, I can’t spell it still), even knowing my father will never come back in my life has not made me realise how weak I truly am without contentment.

Dear world, dear angels, dear universe, dear friends- thank you for the strength so far but I am now very vulnerable and weak and need it more than ever- sorry about that- I promise to get better soon, I have made a decision and now I need to bide my time till either of the moves happen- it’s not been easy.

And now to plaster a smile and go on a “first” date with this runner I met recently.

6 in 6 days!

This is a NEW record for me- I have always been head-hunted, I have always had opportunities come my way but in the last 6 working days, I have had 6 job offers!

Almost all of them have been very enticing, very exciting, very tempting. I have been thinking about it alot and decided to try and identify what is it that I love so much about what’s on offer and what I have so here goes:

On Offer:

• An opportunity to make my own team- in most cases, I will have 1 or 2 old people but need to bring in other talent as I deem fit
• Money- not just the money but the expense account, the options to spend and get the lifestyle I need
• Travel- all offer me an expat package of X trips to India (and the ones not in Ireland are even willing to thrown in a trip to Ireland annually!!!!!)
• Intelligence- the roles are tough but the people I will be with will have intelligence
• Assistant- I need one. Simple as. No doubts.
• Structures- I usually dislike these but I do see the need to have certain structures, reviews, documents etc to udnerstand what’s happening
• Not living in the Urgent land- The idea of pre-planning is something I embrace
• Company- I am not a lone wolf
• Support- Interesting networking opportunities, interesting people to meet etc
• Did I mention BRAINS? And I don’t mean the ones zombies look for!
• Financial responsibility- not budgets etc but when who gets paid etc- the actual process

What I love here:

• Freedom- I come and go as I please. This does me feel guilty and I track to do about 80 hours of work a week- double of what I am technically supposed to
• Opportunity- there is so much growth possible, there are so many things we can do but we need to plan and get the right team together and I am finding it tough to do that- when the coach you have hired doesn’t think one has the right team, you know you are in trouble
• Responsibility- I have an awesome scope- I can do what I want, the lack of some structure (for lack of better word) upsets me to some extent but the rest is pretty darn awesome
• Living my dream- I can actually see the dream life in my head unfold if certain things go as I imagine they should/ will
• Emotional attachment- this is MY baby- Ryan may have done the initial hardwork and all- he carried the baby for the gestation period but when it was time to change the nappies, wake up to feed it and do all the dirty work, I was in there with the sleeves rolled up. He may not admit it, but I had a huge part of the decision and achievements wracked up by this organisaton even before I came in full-time. Just when the baby is beginning to start walking, it would be wrong of me to not be there to make sure the gates are closed, the stairs padded yet show the baby the path it needs to go down ‘cos watch out world, we are gonna rule the roost and beyond!
• Pride- No one and I mean no one else can do what I am doing in the organisation- not someone new, not Ryan, not any of the current team, no one- a lot of factors work towards this realisation. Not saying I am not replaceable- just as easily can be but no one can else get the organisation to perform the way I can, partly cos of the visions I have and the way Ryan and I think and are linked.

However, it’s weird when I was writing the good, a lot of the negative points came up too and I feel, I just do, I need to pen it down:

• I am unhappy- unhappy not ‘cos I am doing something I don’t want to but ‘cos I care and I am doing something I want yet I have a sh!t team- I change any words I might have said in the past- wipe them all out and let’s start afresh. The organisation has grown, they have been asked to grow and they are not growing the way they need to- I am beginning to wonder if they have the capacity to?!
• I have NO support- as a friend or as a colleague- if I open my mouth- I am apparently being too chatty, being too whingy, being too sulky or being too judgemental- f*ck you all. And this article helps me realise even more that I am not going completely insane.
• Almost every time I have an idea, it’s dismissed and then fed back to me a few days later- sometimes I feel its a power play but most of the time, I think it takes that long for him to assimilate the idea and by the time he does, he forgets where it came from and then wonders why I have no original thoughts
• I feel guilty if I am not working every single moment
• I can’t afford the life I want- I came here for 3 months and am still here 13 months later and have nothing to show for it
• I can’t implement the changes I want, I can’t base the office in a place that makes sense (tacit knowledge/ hub/ proximity/ safety), I can’t make decisions
• I don’t have certain powers I want- I will always remain ready to fly till I have that security and till I know I have it cos I have earned it- Crystal, Ryan, Spartacus telling me they will look after me no matter what is not the security I can live with
• I HATE, HATE, HATE the official title I have- it’s missing the most important aspect about my role- the aspect I love and the very aspect I do least of
• I really dislike not being a team in the office and the lack of communication we have- telepathy has it’s limitations
• I don’t like the fact that Ryan’s loyalty doesn’t allow me to hold people as accountable as I would like
• I don’t like that Ryan feels he is above everything and be excluded form procedures
• I don’t like the fact that I seem to be constantly picking up Ryan’s sh!t and he doesn’t realise that- how long does toilet training really take?!
• Lack of intelligence- I am tired of talking to myself, I crave human interaction.
• Lack of meeting new people- I get ideas, perspectives, thoughts from interactions and not from reading or lectures- at the end of the day, a coffee is so much more fruitful
• I feel I am constantly banging my head against a wall
• I know I am constantly banging my head against a wall
• My ‘team’ can’t perform and I am constantly doing things to make their targets achievable without anyone else knowing to project them in a good light but how long can I run myself this thin?

Sorry about this peeps, what started off as a WOW moment ended up as a rant- if I told my mother today that she may have an unemployed daughter on her hands today, things must be bad.

I wrote Ryan a card asking for time and undivided attention and then I chickened and removed it ‘cos of the day he has had- see, I protect him constantly- the best friend, the mate, the love in me can’t hurt him even for his own good yet a part of me is hurting and crying for attention- sitting in the same room for 2 hours with 5 mins of chatting helped me feel it’s all ok even if it’s a false sense of security- at the end of the day, I want simple things and happiness and contentment- I want my dreams to come true, I want to have the relationship I deserve, I want to lead the organisation to heights it deserves to go to, I want to support my mother in a lifestyle she deserves, I want to look after my aunts and uncles, I want to be able to go on the holidays I need to just survive- I am considering a sun day for Gawd’s sake, I want to be able to buy a magazine without wondering if I can afford it if that’s what I choose to do, I want to laugh, I want to smile, I want to be the person I always imagined I will be, I want to be able to buy the €1000 pair of shoes I am drooling over ‘cos I will appreciate them and want them, I want to be able to get the handbag I actually need and not settle for something sub-par cos it’s in my budget, I want the house I planned years ago.

I don’t have high expectations of me, do I? 😉

My year as a country-bumpkin!

So, it was just over a year ago, I moved away from Dublin to live in rural Ireland. And what a year it has been! I know for a fact country living is NOT for me- at least not yet. I can see it someday but on my terms and in the manner, I choose. This is not it. Being a “Paki in a fancy car” and standing out as a sore thumb is certainly not how I like to be!

When I moved here, I thought it would be fun, a different experience, challenging yet exciting, For the first 3 months, it was exactly that! Then, I went traveling and when I came back, something had changed- things became weirder at work, I stopped having as much fun and it changed- and all for the worse.

As I mark being a year in the current company, I take stock of all that it has been and I am beginning to wonder if I am in the right place or is it matter of not being here at the right time.

Things going in my favour:

• I enjoy what I do
• I am good at what I do- meeting the deadlines today in the office are proof of it
• I have brought experience to this organisation that few others could
• I am happy with the role I have- I would love to make a few tweaks to it but I think that will happen in the next while, it’s a matter of me being patient
• I have learnt to lower my own standards and expect lesser from others- cos few are as driven as me
• I finally got myself a car
• I know what I am truly worth and even though I know I am being paid a pittance of that, I can see it being worthwhile in the future

Things that p!ss me off:

• I live in the f*cking middle of nowhere
• I have NO friends close by- there are 2 girls I really like but I manage them and so it doesn’t count as I can’t just be the true me with them
• I am unhappy personally
• When I get into a half decent relationship, the distance completely kills it
• I am not closer to knowing if I am on the right path for my life- I am so disillusioned right now that I don’t even know where to start again
• I am away from my friends- I miss Dr F, I miss Tigger, I miss Candy, I miss Winnie, I miss Spartacus, I miss Crystal, I miss Curly, I miss Daddy Long Legs and yes, most of them are all over the world, if I had a few of them near me, it would make life so much easier

When I count all this, the negatives out number the positives and some of the negatives outweigh everything else.

How in the world am I supposed to not cry myself to sleep every other day when I am this unhappy?! Gosh, I can’t wait for the really busy period in the office to start- at least it will exhilarate me and not give me a chance to think and the end of it means moving back to the land of the living.

Today I had an argument in the office- what a way to celebrate moving here for work, eh. What upset me are so many different things that I don’t even know where to start:

• I stereotyped a group that I have done for years and slagged them- he took offense and lashed back by saying “J hates everyone” in front of another work colleague
• I was dismissed and something I wanted to say wasn’t heard- I am a effing partner here and I am treated like sh!t at times, we both need other ways to vent our frustrations

Seriously, why in the world do I feel I am caught between a rock and a hard place?! Is there an end to this in sight?

Why oh why do I after having as many friends as I do miss having a true friend in my life. Oh Winnie, I so, so, so wish  you were here with me. Oh Tigger, I so wish you were here too.

How many times can a person hit rock bottom? How much can a person be tried? How much can my will be tested? What do I need to get out of this rut?!

Taking a moment to breathe and take stock

And sometimes, I do think at the turn of a new year, or my birthday or just randomly, I did so today… decided to take a glass of wine, sit in the garden to watch the sun go down and just count my blessings.

And blessings are aplenty-

• I have a brilliant family- yes, I have had my differences with some but there are so many others who just absolutely rock and are amazing. And they are the ones who make life so much crazier and fun. Yes, I miss having my own sibling to create havoc with but I had my own fair share of fun with all the other mischief my brothers and I got up to, and not to miss the midnight shenanigans with my little sister
• I must be the luckiest person with the friends I have- from my own mother to the millions of others- Crystal, Spartacus, Ryan, Tigger, Winnie, Dr F, Snoopy, Curly, Daddy long legs to name a few… infact, one of them just said the nicest words to me on Facebook an dmade me cry- happy tears but cry nevertheless
• I enjoy what I do
• I almost always manage to achieve all I want to- yes, I am still a bit away from the dream I have in my head but then again, that dream changes goal posts every time I think of it and so the plan has to be tweaked accordingly…. right?

All in all, life rocks and the cherry was when one of my favourite entrepreneurs and a guy I admire loads offered me a pretty cool job with all the trimmings I could want! There is something very pleasurable and upsetting about turning it down- bittersweet!

Partner, Wife, Lover

These are just three of the things most women want to be to that someone special.

For a very long time, I resisted this thinking- I was always an “I, me, myself” girl and though I wanted a partner, I never thought of it as something I needed. However, as I go through life- climbing through glass ceilings, achieving things other only dream of, living experiences that I have always wanted to, I realise, there is something amazing, something awesome about sharing it with that someone special. Be it the simple magnificence of a beautiful waterfall or the joy of breaking through a glass ceiling or just an ordinary day at work… the idea of having someone to cuddle to is beautiful.

You know, for ages, I didn’t get this need, didn’t understand this want- I thought Sex & The City was a cop-out when they showed how the independent women ended up in relationships and now, I realise why it was so. For ages, I scoffed at other’s desire for that commitment and even though today I would love to have someone to share my life with, I am not keen to settle for anything but the best.

However, I do not understand why the need to have that partner cannot be intertwined with the need to have a successful career. I have an aunt- one of the top female executives in Asia, an entrepreneur, a go-getter- with an amazing family and though, there have been difficulties along the way, the way each one thinks, behaves and understands their role in this world is so beautiful that I am just so proud of them all! I recall, some 4 years ago, my team in one of the top consulting companies in the world and I were having breakfast and we were discussing one of the girl’s pregnancy, when I commented saying “Someday, I would love to be a stay-at-home mom” and everyone turned to look at me, jaws wide open, shock in the eyes. They didn’t think someone like me, always primly dressed in my suit, always perfectly coiffed hair, always calm in the craziest of situation, always driven, always ambitious could have such a simple wish. But just ‘cos I want to have the option of being a stay-at-home mother, it does not mean I want the option of giving up work! I would love a balance of the two- I mean, how is one meant to choose between my two babies?!

Yes, I admit I would love to get married, to have someone to come home to, to have someone make me soup when I have sniffles, to have someone turn to me for support, to have someone love me for who I am, to be a wife, a lover and a partner to that fantastic human being but why do I have to choose between a career that I love and a man that I love. My career understands my need to look after my personal life, so why can’t my personal life understand my career needs?! Why do I feel constantly pulled in two directions, why do I constantly get advised to give up my current position, my current lifestyle and focus more on getting the man I need to be with.

So world, please, let my life unfold the way it is meant to and let me enjoy the path I have chosen. Someday, I will have the life I dream of- with the man I call a husband, with a career I am proud of, with a kid I love, while living and traveling to the locations I want to explore, living the luxury I totally believe I deserve.

I know this is a very haphazard post but in my head, it makes sense!

Love to you, world.

The Meaning of Success

The past few days the idea of Success has really been playing around in my head. And I came across the 4Cs to Success from an individual’s perspective (Thank you Forbes magazine):

Clarity – Clarity of purpose and direction is fundamental to your career and life success. Success begins with a clear picture of how you define it, create a powerful mental image of your success.

Commitment – It’s simple. Success is all up to you, and me, and anyone else who wants it. We all have to commit to taking personal responsibility for our own success. I am the only one who can make me a success. You are the only one who can make you a success. Stuff happens, so choose to respond positively.

Confidence – If you believe in yourself and your success, you are likely find ways to make that belief come true. Surround yourself with positive people.

Competence – There are four key competencies that will help you become a career and life success:

1. You have to be able to create positive personal impact.
2. You have to be become an outstanding performer.
3. You have to be a dynamic communicator – in conversation, writing and presentations.
4. You have to build and maintain strong relationships with the people in your life.

From a business perspective, I truly believe that Customer Intimacy as mentioned previously too, is one of the key offerings any successful organisation needs to provide. I was highly impressed initially by the work done by an Indian travel agency– I needed to amend a ticket and they called me less than 24 hours after me sending them an email but they completely dropped the ball by not following up correctly. If they had proper systems within their organisation, they could have made a customer for life out of me and hence, my associates. Similarly, in my industry, the main advantage is not in Product Leadership but in our Operational Excellence- how quickly can I turn things around and have it done- the Customer Intimacy is the cherry on the top but it is also the things that clinches the final deal in my mind! So maybe from an organisational growth perspective, we need to ensure customers feel they got that extra mile!

And to get that organisational success, we need people with that inidividual drive and passion to form that high-performing team. And I think part of that comes from surrounding yourself with people who:

• think similarly to you, yet challenge your ideas and beliefs
• understand where you are coming from, yet bring a different perspective to the table
• feel the instinct in their gut, yet question the instinct in your gut
• do what needs to be done, yet know when it’s not the right thing and should have the conviction to correct you when you are doing something wrong

On that note, I was reading an article that said everyone is the average of the 5 people they spend most of their time with (I bloody rock then ‘cos the 5 people I spend most time with are bloody amazing!) and so does that mean that the ideal team should just be an extension of those 5 people or similar to those 5 people… I truly wonder…. One thing is for sure, never go against the values- self and organisational- the result is usually not too pretty.

And so I am off to the dreamland to quantify the meaning of success to myself.

Intelligence vs. Career

A few days ago, I had posted a link to a study about how people who went to bed late were usually more intelligent. Today I came across another study that shows that those who wake up early do better in their careers.

What if I went to bed late and was thus more intelligent, woke up in the morning and so was getting ahead in my career and slept in the afternoon (‘cos a woman needs atleast 5+ hours of sleep!)? Would that make sense?!

However, if I had to choose between intelligence and career, I would go for intelligence ‘cos without that, there is NO career! So sod you studies, all it comes down to is the brains I have and how I use them 🙂