Tag Archives: Nostalgia

Sep 30, Tuesday: A Beautiful Moment

A friend of mine called me today- I haven’t spoken to him in 3 years at least but then he and I are like that- we have a blast when together, we keep in minimal contact and we are just always the best of mates.

We are now planning a weekend away in October since he will only be a few hours away.

Last time I saw him was in Laos when I was doing South East Asia. The 3 days of spending time with him, the 3 days of pure alcoholism, the 3 days of sharing great stories, the 3 days of tubing, the 3 days of slagging, the 3 days of laughter make for a great memory and I am so glad to have a friend like that and I am so excited about the prospect of seeing him again at the end of the month.

I so hope the trip works out!

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Sep 16, Tuesday: A Beautiful Moment

A few days ago, I caught up with some friends after a very long time:

3 for the first in over a decade
1 after 6 years
2 after 5

A few weeks, I had seen another friend after 12 years too!

It is such a fantastic feeling to talk about old days, walk down the memory lane and then also create new ones. I love the fact that even after so many years, I have the ability to hang out with these people and enjoy their company!

Lucky, lucky me. x

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Aug 26, Tuesday: A Beautiful Moment

Years ago, I was in Canada with 600 odd other people. Some of them became good friends, others and I kept in touch thanks to Facebook and few of us have become good friends. Recently I met one of those people and it was so good to be sipping coffee one saturday afternoon, swapping stories of then and sharing experiences of the now. There was no awkwardness, there was no oddness, there was just a simple shared understanding of a global world and the issues of keeping in regular contact, there was just pure friendship.

I love the memories from 12 years ago and I love the memory I made on Saturday.

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Jul 29, Tuesday: A Brilliant Moment

A few days ago, marked 6 years to me being free- free of the shackles I had as an Indian female, free from the beliefs the society had ingrained in me and free to do things my way.

However, as I was reflecting on that, I was reminded of the day I was asked by TL to marry him. It was a wonderful moment- that conversation was one of my favourites- we talked of dreams, we talked of hopes, we talked of future, we talked of the past and we were very much in the present. That moment, that feeling of pure happiness, that love, that- yeah that, was a wonderful moment.

For those of you who have just gotten married and engaged in the last while, I hope you recall that moment forever. Love be with you.

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Sweet 16!

When I was 16, I was on top of the world. Well, to the outside world, that was the case- I was captain of many different teams, I was on national, regional, state level teams for a variety of teams, I was doing well in school, I was recognised for my talents, I was considered pretty, I was considered humble and I was considered a legend- yeah baby, I rocked 😉

I had the world eating out of my hands and that should have pretty much been the most awesome thing for a teen, but no- I craved for acceptance from my parents- for them, I could always do better, I could reach further, I could go beyond and it was never enough- being a gold medalist globally, being 1 of the top 3 nationally, leading teams regionally, singing with international singers, getting decently good grades, having a fantastic circle of friends were things everyone balanced regularly. At the same time, I had been sexually violated for the second time in my life and was told to brush it off ‘cos these things happen and I shouldn’t let it affect me.

So when my school recognised me for all my achievements and more, I lied to my parents and told them someone had played a prank and they shouldn’t come see me- not ‘cos I didn’t feel pride in my self but ‘cos I thought (and till date, still believe) they wouldn’t have been happy for the award I won but would have felt I could have won more/ gotten a different one or something else- and this is when I got what I consider the most special award- they had to create one to encompass all I had done!

Last night, for the first time ever, I acknowledged why I didn’t let my parents come that day to see me enjoy my moment, to see me get an award from one of my favourite leaders (yeah, the school organised it specially for me) and cried. I felt sad for both my dad and mum not seeing me up there on the podium, I felt sad for how much they pushed their daughter that an achievement was about how well it compared to others so much that even the best wasn’t enough, I felt sad for the kid who tried and tried and tried and just couldn’t get what she wanted.

Today, the same level of pushing me has gotten me where I am but what’s the point of it all if I feel I always need to be doing more because what I am doing is not enough- I compare everything and sometimes make the wrong decision because I feel I should do better, not because I want to- I always did the ‘right’ thing- I got engaged to the so-called-perfect guy, I got the career breaking job, I traveled to places few traverse- but I never felt I had done enough- if I did something in one field, I was lacking in another. And now, I don’t know the difference between right and wrong, between what I want and what I need, or so I think.

I want to be happy, I want success, I want to achieve, I want to build, I want to travel and they are all interlinked yet the scale for identifying success, achievements, travels is so messed up in my own head that I am not sure what leads to happiness. Doing what I am doing should be making me happy but I can’t enjoy it because in the process I seem to have lost a friend in Ryan. Oh, he’s there, we haven’t fought but I genuinely can’t recall having a good time and a laugh with him in a very long time- what happened to us coming home laughing, feeling good about a productive day and excited about the days ahead?! What happened to us sharing the good and the bad things in our life?! What happened to me being honest when he asked me for my opinion?! What happened to him being there for me when I needed him?! Why should I only need a hug when things are sh!t in my life?! What happened to us dancing in the kitchen, slagging each other and just having a great time? And because my only friend around is hardly there for me, I am lonely- yes, I know being on top is lonely but it hurts so much more when I know my friends are only 100 kms down the road, the ones who are always there at the other end of the phone but sometimes, you just need a hug and maybe no talk, just comfortable silence- for a person who usually aims for 8 hugs a day, when I get 8 hugs a week, life is definitely that wee bit tougher and with my mum so far away, at times, bleaker and lonelier.

And then there is the guilt- I earn well, why shouldn’t I spend it on me? Why do I feel so bad about taking myself on an extravagant weekend away because my spirit, body and soul all need reviving?! Why do I feel guilty about having made the decision to go away from the traditional suit-wearing corporate world? And why do I feel guilty about wanting to go back there and leaving the organisation I am in? Why do I feel guilty about making the decision based on my personal circumstance more than the amount of fun/ learning/ challenge I am having/ gaining/ facing at work?! Why do I feel guilty about even trying to make a decision?!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

To top it off, today is FL’s 30th birthday. And yes, I have accepted he has passed away and I have moved on but I miss him, ALOT. I so wish I could be sitting with him on the pier right now, talking of dreams, sharing ideas, discussing philosophy and just being ourselves. It has been 15 years yet there are times it feels like yesterday. I wish I had celebrated him 30th in a more befitting manner rather than sitting through an exceptionally boring dinner with Ryan’s new floozy- she might be a nice person but she is boring as can be.

And I am scared- so scared about the new project coming up in our office which will have been busy for the next 3 months- I have planned it so much that if it doesn’t meet my expectations, I will be gutted.

Why oh why is so complicated?! The mix of emotions- nostalgia, love, loneliness, anger, frustration, being taken for granted, nervous, guilt make a horribly vile tasting cocktail. I sure as hell wouldn’t get my worst enemy to even try it, ever!

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Oldie Goldie!

When I was a kid, I was always told “your old friends are the best”, and today, I realise that.

Years ago I dated a guy, we broke up, he is now married with a cute little kid and we have kept in touch, on and off, over the years. Today, after almost 3 years, we talked for ages. Longer than I ever spoke to him on the phone when I was with him, I suspect!!! It was something else. And the best bit- he is the only person who could potentially help me with the work problem I had in my mind!

Similarly, the past weekend was awesome. I spent most of it with Ryan and after ages, we did our usual hanging out for ages together thing and it was great. Sure, I met Candy and DjPilot too but they feel like really old mates…

And today, I spoke to Winnie- despite the odds and she always just seems to know how to twist whatever I am thinking into a different perspective.

All in all, I agree- Old is Gold.

As are old memories- tonight I finally saw Invictus. And I cried when Madiba walked out on the rugby pitch- his presence, his demeanor, his humility, his awesomeness are things I will never forget- it was such a moment to see him in rela life almost 15 years ago. I still remember the feel of shaking his hand the feeling of pride by just being in his presence and I think a huge part of me is the person I am today because I have been inspired by the best!

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My Nana

Nana, I miss you.

If there is someone who understands what I am going through, if there is someone who would be ever so proud of all I have done, am doing and am about to achieve, if there is someone who reminds me of some of the finest moments of my childhood, it is you.

I miss the days of going to eat chaat. I miss the days of bathing in the hauj. I miss the days of buying anything I wanted without paying anything. I miss the days of walking into the house and screaming for Nani and you out of excitement. I miss the ‘meetha soda’ you arranged for us as as surprise everyday. I miss you cooking chicken on the terrace because nani wouldn’t let you bring in it. I miss you waking us up in the middle of the night to take us for a holiday. I miss you for putting the travel bug in me. I miss you for teaching me style. I miss you for the laughs. I miss canvassing for you. I miss you.

My summers haven’t been the same. My trips to India haven’t been the same. I look at the photograph of you when I saw you last and I cry at the thought that I didn’t know it would be my last. I remember talking to you the night before you passed away. I remember crying and going numb the day you died due to happiness. I remember you.

I have traveled the 7 continents, thanks to you. I got myself a sports car, thanks to you. And when I went to count votes for a political candidate yesterday (and yup, my victorious streak continued- I still have the magic touch), I realised no matter how much I try to move away from it, I am a politician at heart and I have the political genes flowing in my veins.

Nana, I miss you regularly but yesterday was just the tipping point. I am so happy I got to spend time with you, I am so happy I got to know you and I am so happy you still inspire me.

My Nana- you rock. I love you.

PS. Whoever said change is the only constant, didn’t have as awesome a family as mine. They are constantly a pain, they constantly drive me nuts and they are constantly there for me.

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Blast from the Past!

What an evening I have had today- it has been, for lack of better word, weird! And nostalgic. And really good for my ego.

I spoke to a friend of mine for about an hour on the phone today- it was 5 am in India, he was drunk and after ages, we were just chatting to each other, without any other people around, without any inhibitions, it was good. He reminded me we had hooked up 10 years ago- I had always remembered it but wasn’t sure if he had since he had been rather drunk at the time. It was certainly interesting to hear him tell me how he had often thought back to the night and wondered if things could have been different between us. We never really dated, we always kinda flirted and if I give him an inch even now, I know he’ll take it and still flirt. The funny thing is 10 years ago, I was only interested in flirting with him and nothing more. However today, he is a lot of the person I can see myself with and now, I am scared of flirting back.

A weirder one was when an ex-boyfriend of mine pinged me today for a chat. And for the first time ever, we just talked- openly, heart to heart, no inhibitions. We talked about our break up, we talked about our dreams from when we were kids, we talked about things only we would have discussed and known about each other and it felt nice, grown-up and wonderful. I know for a fact that I loved him and was never in love with him. I know for a fact he loved me and he still has a soft corner for me, as I do for him. The weird thing is he is convinced we are meant to be the best of friends but cannot be because of chemistry. For some strange reason, I don’t understand that! He has been in a relationship with a fantastic girl (who is a good friend of mine) for over 5 years and he is still scared of meeting me because of the chemistry. The fact that he feels we should have been together is obviously great for my ego! The weird thing is when we talk now, I realise how childish and foolish we were- we could have actually been really good friends but we just kept pushing each other away, unknowingly and 10 years later, we are discussing a night with such different variations. I truly wonder will the two of us ever be good friends again. I sure hope so- he understands me well. There is something though about a guy saying that memories of 10 years ago still sends shivers down his spine. Damn, I feel good.

I am delighted I am in touch with the guys I have dated, hooked up with, had crushes on, been loved by and though I mourn for what once was, I love the friendships/ acquaintances we still have.

I hope they remain strong for the years ahead.

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Dec 24, 2002

"Weeping willow with your tears running down, 
why do you always weep and  frown? 
Is it because he left you one day?
Is it because he could not  stay? 
On your branches he would swing, 
do you long for the happiness  that day would bring? 
He found shelter in your shade. You thought his  laughter would never fade. 
Weeping willow, stop your tears. There is  something to calm you fears. 
You think death has ripped you forever  apart. 
But I know he'll always be in your heart."

These words NEVER fail to move me- for some weird reason, I understand the pain the little girl felt, the emotion and the beauty of these words better than most poems… when the boy dies, I feel sad and almost always shed a tear.

It’s weird how life changes, how life takes its twists and turns and how things work out… Dec 24, 2002 was the day I was meant to marry, in my own childish way, my first love. FL- I miss you and weirdly, I have missed you more this year than I have ever in the last decade- weird or what?!

Anyhow, what better way to celebrate life that spending it in beautiful waterfalls, hiking to the top of mountains, clicking photographs of the Mekong, drinking wine and just having a good time in life… Merry Christmas all.

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Snow!!!

I love snow.

I have always loved snow- ever since I was a kid, even before my first time with snow (Kufri in Himachal when I was around 11/12)… I will never forget spending my 17th birthday in Switwerland at Jungfrauoch (spelling?) enjoying a snowfall… maybe that is why I was always fascinated by the Antarctic but either which way, I love snow.

Last night, there was a massive thunder and lightning storm along with a snowfall. From the comfort of my living room with a blazing fire, it was one of the most amazing shows I have ever seen. No documentary, no nothing could beat the vastness of it, the power of nature and just the awesomeness that is this world. What a vision to go to bed with! I loved it- yet another reason to love snow.

So because of all the snow, I didn’t want to take the car out or do anything as it was freezing and I kinda liked the relaxed atmosphere around me… a walk would have been nice but I wasn’t pushed enough to make it happen. The fire, some Nutella dark hot chocolate, pineapple, a nice warm bath and I was a happy bunny. Come dinner time, I decided to cook again and try yet another experiment which worked out really well too.

J’s Special Seafood Pasta

Thawed scallops, crab claws and prawns.

Heated a pot with some olive oil, garlic and scallions. When browned, added in some red peppers, yellow peppers, mushrooms and once slightly cooked, I added in sundried tomato and chili paste (one of those bottled sauce type thingies- yeah I know, I should be ashamed) and cooked it with a wee bit of red wine. Added in some mixed herbs, oregano, basil, parsley and it tasted good.

In another pan, cooked the seafood till it was almost done and then added it, some barbecued salmon, some cooked spaghetti to mix it all in together.

Ah what a treat.

I am loving cooking again, even if I do really miss someone else cutting and cleaning the mess…

On a different note, heading to Dublin tomorrow to spend the evening with Dr. F and his lady- SO excited. Cannot wait!!!! I love me friends.

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It’s the little things that count!

You know today, after ages, my baby sister and I caught up- and all of a sudden, mid -convo, she goes “love you, big sis” and at that moment, the world stopped and all I wanted was to give her a tight hug and hold her close. Oh why do such massive geographical distances exist?! Especially when there are none emotionally?

And now, I am teary-eyed and homesick.

You know, I have come back to edit this post because the nostalgia has hit me real bad- I remember when my little sis was born- I was in a different city and we had to go see her in the hospital because the little trouble-maker that she is, she came early and she came in the middle of nowhere! Seriously, kiddo, cop on, will you? 😉

I remember rejoicing at having another girl in the family, I remember holding her when she was a wee little thing, I remember playing with her as if she were a doll, I remember the drama that she was, I remember the days she was a meek little thing (oh how I miss those days!), I remember when she first started walking, I remember when she first pee’d all over my homework and I had to redo it (if I hadn’t loved you so, you’d be so dead), I remember when she became an elder sister herself, I remember her first crush, I remember her first boyfriend, I remember her telling me of her first kiss, I remember her becoming chubby, I remember her losing weight, I remember the first time she bought me ice-cream (that was SO adorable), I remember the times she made me birthday cards, I remember the first time she swore in front of me, I remember the first time she cried, I remember the first time she danced, I remember the first time she hurt herself, I remember the sleepovers we had (and will have), I remember the naughty antics I taught her, I remember the naughty antics she taught me, I remember the fun times, I remember the fights, I remember the first time she let out of my secrets, I remember the pride she felt when I did something right, I remember the pride I feel every single day for having her as my sister. I remember her as a little lassie, I remember as a painful teenager, I remember her as an elegant lady and I remember her always, as my little sister.

Kiddo, I miss you LOADS.

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Coincidence…?

I was having a chat with a mate a few days ago and this just dawned on us that I’ve had 3 really key intimate relationships and they have ALL finally ended this week- the week of July 19.

Relationship #1:

My first love (FL). Yeah, call in puppy love or whatever- I loved him and that’s all I believe in. He was my best friend for years and then we started dating… we were hardly together a few months when he moved to a different city (long distance #1). Even though we were complete kids and didn’t realise the depth of our decisions, we decided to get married or well, make a promise to each other for when it was legal! However a month later, he drowned in the violent sea and I lost the will to swim and to believe in love. FL, you know who you are and I still love you. This happened July 19, 1996. 14 years on, I still feel the pain and I still miss you.

Relationship #2:

My second love (SL) and I had an up and down relationship from the very beginning. We were never on the same page, yet we had a great time together- we loved each other, we shared some amazing chemistry and we were together for 5 years- on and off. We were more off than on and mostly due to us being in different cities in the same country. Whenever we weren’t together we had other relationships too but somehow we ended up coming back to each other for the chats, the laughs, the comfort and the love. I’ll be lying if I didn’t admit to our fantastic sex life too- it was beautiful. Finally, in 2007, July 21- we called in quits- I think the main reason was I had been with another guy (TL) and was on a break with him but missed him and couldn’t do a thing with SL. We are still friends, we still tend to gravitate towards each other when single but realise there is no future for us together and so have made a conscious effort to be just friends and finally succeeded at it. However, he will always be the one I’ll remember for his patience and his care to help me deal with my parent’s split and the one who made me believe in love again. Thank you SL- I hope you find a lady worthy of your love and a lady who has the capacity to give you a lot more than I can!

Relationship #3:

My third love (TL). Known him since I was 8, we were mates as kids, we were friends through the teenage years, we knew each other through each other’s relationships, we knew everything good and bad about each other and we cared for each other ALOT. A few years ago, we started talking on the phone a lot and so we got closer and closer to the extent we were talking to each other about 5-6 hours a week! Slowly the friendship turned to love for TL, while I was still with SL. Not wanting to cheat, I told him that. However, everytime I broke up with SL, TL would be there- as a friend but wanting more and then it happened, he got more. And so did I. We got engaged Dec 31, 2007- technically only a few months after we really got exclusive but we were very comfortable with the idea and we loved each other and we had a very strong foundation. Exactly 2 years ago today, July 24, 2008- I gave back the ring. I couldn’t marry someone who was competing with me- we were meant to support each other and not feel threatened by each other’s careers. I love you TL- I always will- but sadly, only as a friend. I am too ambitious for you and I want you to reach the potential you have in you but I can’t stand on the side and see you just coast along and be happy. I wanted you to be a man, my man but sadly I got a boy and I just couldn’t deal with it. I am sorry for the pain I have caused and I hope someday you’ll realise the amazing person you are. I wish you luck, love and happiness. I hope someday you have the strength to be with a strong woman and not a yes-woman, as a friend who has known you for so many years, I really do. I miss you and I miss our friendship but I do not miss our relationship.

Weird eh?

3 major loves- many other relationships but not love-

3 heart breaks- well more too but not as bad as these-

3 different dates- 3 different years but all in the same week!

Is this a coincidence or because they come in threes, I can now move on?!

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