When I was 16, I was on top of the world. Well, to the outside world, that was the case- I was captain of many different teams, I was on national, regional, state level teams for a variety of teams, I was doing well in school, I was recognised for my talents, I was considered pretty, I was considered humble and I was considered a legend- yeah baby, I rocked 😉
I had the world eating out of my hands and that should have pretty much been the most awesome thing for a teen, but no- I craved for acceptance from my parents- for them, I could always do better, I could reach further, I could go beyond and it was never enough- being a gold medalist globally, being 1 of the top 3 nationally, leading teams regionally, singing with international singers, getting decently good grades, having a fantastic circle of friends were things everyone balanced regularly. At the same time, I had been sexually violated for the second time in my life and was told to brush it off ‘cos these things happen and I shouldn’t let it affect me.
So when my school recognised me for all my achievements and more, I lied to my parents and told them someone had played a prank and they shouldn’t come see me- not ‘cos I didn’t feel pride in my self but ‘cos I thought (and till date, still believe) they wouldn’t have been happy for the award I won but would have felt I could have won more/ gotten a different one or something else- and this is when I got what I consider the most special award- they had to create one to encompass all I had done!
Last night, for the first time ever, I acknowledged why I didn’t let my parents come that day to see me enjoy my moment, to see me get an award from one of my favourite leaders (yeah, the school organised it specially for me) and cried. I felt sad for both my dad and mum not seeing me up there on the podium, I felt sad for how much they pushed their daughter that an achievement was about how well it compared to others so much that even the best wasn’t enough, I felt sad for the kid who tried and tried and tried and just couldn’t get what she wanted.
Today, the same level of pushing me has gotten me where I am but what’s the point of it all if I feel I always need to be doing more because what I am doing is not enough- I compare everything and sometimes make the wrong decision because I feel I should do better, not because I want to- I always did the ‘right’ thing- I got engaged to the so-called-perfect guy, I got the career breaking job, I traveled to places few traverse- but I never felt I had done enough- if I did something in one field, I was lacking in another. And now, I don’t know the difference between right and wrong, between what I want and what I need, or so I think.
I want to be happy, I want success, I want to achieve, I want to build, I want to travel and they are all interlinked yet the scale for identifying success, achievements, travels is so messed up in my own head that I am not sure what leads to happiness. Doing what I am doing should be making me happy but I can’t enjoy it because in the process I seem to have lost a friend in Ryan. Oh, he’s there, we haven’t fought but I genuinely can’t recall having a good time and a laugh with him in a very long time- what happened to us coming home laughing, feeling good about a productive day and excited about the days ahead?! What happened to us sharing the good and the bad things in our life?! What happened to me being honest when he asked me for my opinion?! What happened to him being there for me when I needed him?! Why should I only need a hug when things are sh!t in my life?! What happened to us dancing in the kitchen, slagging each other and just having a great time? And because my only friend around is hardly there for me, I am lonely- yes, I know being on top is lonely but it hurts so much more when I know my friends are only 100 kms down the road, the ones who are always there at the other end of the phone but sometimes, you just need a hug and maybe no talk, just comfortable silence- for a person who usually aims for 8 hugs a day, when I get 8 hugs a week, life is definitely that wee bit tougher and with my mum so far away, at times, bleaker and lonelier.
And then there is the guilt- I earn well, why shouldn’t I spend it on me? Why do I feel so bad about taking myself on an extravagant weekend away because my spirit, body and soul all need reviving?! Why do I feel guilty about having made the decision to go away from the traditional suit-wearing corporate world? And why do I feel guilty about wanting to go back there and leaving the organisation I am in? Why do I feel guilty about making the decision based on my personal circumstance more than the amount of fun/ learning/ challenge I am having/ gaining/ facing at work?! Why do I feel guilty about even trying to make a decision?!!!
To top it off, today is FL’s 30th birthday. And yes, I have accepted he has passed away and I have moved on but I miss him, ALOT. I so wish I could be sitting with him on the pier right now, talking of dreams, sharing ideas, discussing philosophy and just being ourselves. It has been 15 years yet there are times it feels like yesterday. I wish I had celebrated him 30th in a more befitting manner rather than sitting through an exceptionally boring dinner with Ryan’s new floozy- she might be a nice person but she is boring as can be.
And I am scared- so scared about the new project coming up in our office which will have been busy for the next 3 months- I have planned it so much that if it doesn’t meet my expectations, I will be gutted.
Why oh why is so complicated?! The mix of emotions- nostalgia, love, loneliness, anger, frustration, being taken for granted, nervous, guilt make a horribly vile tasting cocktail. I sure as hell wouldn’t get my worst enemy to even try it, ever!