Tag Archives: Dreams

You think and IT happens

I love the surprises life holds.
Last year, I defined a role I really wanted to pursue when I was in talks about ending my role with the company then… Knew it was kinda a thought and maybe not even ideal for me but I just knew, I wanted it!

Well, fast forward to 9 months later, it has come on a silver platter to me. You got to love the way things work out- only time will tell what I will decide…. 🙂

dreams that come true

And sometimes, the dreams that come true are the drams you had forgotten you had!


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And then, it happened again!

Well, this time it wasn’t a dream both of us had but once again I dreamed of the same person as a few days ago!

In this dream, I was out for a run with the help of a physio, with Red and bump into the girl I used to think was my best friend. She started helping me, much to my astonishment and so I asked her ‘why’. And she responded by saying “‘cos she cared”.

It was a sad and poignant feeling- I realised I still care for the two of them, knowing me- I always will and it’s sad it has come to this stage. While driving today, I realised how I feel.

Imagine a playground and in the middle of it, a glasshouse. In this playground, there’s a lot of stones, gravel and bits kids throw around and play with using the glasshouse as something to avoid. One day, a kid throws a stone breaking the glasshouse. It’s not the fault of the person who put up in the glasshouse in the wrong place obviously but of the kid who threw the stone.

I am that kid. Well, at least I feel like that. I truly thought I had achieved closure but right now, I wonder and I sincerely hope it comes soon. I am done with this sh!t.


Filed under Friends, My Day

Freaky or freaky?!

Like almost every other Sunday morning, I woke up, stretched and snuggled into Red… and as I woke up a little bit at a time, I started chatting…

It’s VERY rare for me to remember a dream but I mentioned having a dream about 2 people I used to be friends with and cared (probably weirdly still do) about and imagining a complete parallel reality that would not have been true even if things hadn’t gone down the route they did. That was not so weird, I am doing my whole washing off and assimilating 2015 internally thing BUT Red admitting he dreamt of the 4 of us too but a different scenario- again one not possible either. HOW IS THAT NOT WEIRD?!

Somehow though this has helped me understand the whole situation better and find closure- I understand the role each one of us has played, how each and every one of us is at fault and how it truly started with me not listening to my gut the first, second or third time! I am glad I did NOT listen to my gut to ask her down for a weekend in one of the most beautiful houses I know for some R&R earlier this summer- to catch up, to figure what’s going on and to maybe make it possible to be civil. I know things may be nicer today but I think despite all the other casualties, despite the others affected, despite the pain all of us have felt, I am glad we all know where we stand and I can, somehow, accept it all.

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Breathe, Breathe, Try Again

Yeah, picture captures it all!

Dreams don't expireSweet dreams xx



Filed under Ramblings

April 15, Tuesday: A Beautiful Moment

Kinda obvious and surprising I haven’t written off this at some stage but one of my favourite memories remains of me in the Antarctica! The day I stepped on that ice for the very first time remains special and is a constant reminder of how dreams do come true.

Now my dreams have changed, they have evolved as have I but my faith in them has gotten stronger. I see around me so many dreams coming true every day- sometimes, we forget the dreams don\t always have to be lofty (I do think some of them should be though!)

All in all, my next dream is 10,000- I know this makes no sense to anyone else but me but I hope to see that number in the correct context soon.

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It just needs a little more tweaking

The other day, I was sitting, introspecting and thinking about life in general… I realised, I am in great nick:

Friends: can’t be luckier. As certain friendships were transitioning into different forms of friendships, others came in to give me the support I needed and provide me with the laughs and the craic
Family: Despite all that has been happening with them, they are all well. Much love and wellness to them all.
Relationships: For the first time in ages, I am in one where I am not thinking beyond the next day. It’s kinda teenager-y for me, and I am having fun- who cares about the rest.
Work: Enjoying it, loving it, feeling fulfilled but feeling underemployed, underchallenged, underfocused and so I decided to take a leaf from a post about relationships last year and redefine this aspect of my life.

Set a goal- be specific but leave room for manouver

I aim to have reshuffled my various business and work commitments by August 1 so that I feel sufficiently challenged, strike the work-life balance I like and be earning the amount of money that matches the goals I have set.

– Not necessarily a job- could be my own company, a project I am consulting to, a role I have been employed in- a maximum of 6 that allows me to focus and give it the attention it all deserves
– Of the 6, 2 roles are towards the voluntary roles I already perform- these take a small amount of my time and effort and allow me to give back to the community in areas I genuinely care about
– Of the 6, 2 roles are towards the companies I own, am building, already love and am passionate about
– Of the 6, I am now ready to look for 2 more roles as 1 of the current ones is about to come to an end…

Make peace with the past

Till almost last week, I was holding grudges against certain people I felt wronged by. I have been forgiving them, blessing them and wishing them love. I am letting the past remain the past and know that all the work I am doing will help me deal with it all.

Thank you Universe for everything- I know that everything has happened for a reason. Some of the lessons I have learnt have cost me a tiny fortune, some of the things I have done have caused people pain (unintentionally), some of the work I have done has been subpar but I made the best decisions with all the knowledge I had at the time I made them and as such, I am at peace with myself. I thank myself, I forgive myself and I love myself for the person I am.

List the qualities you want

For my 2 companies:
– a structured approach by all the owner/ investor parties concerned
– a “N” environment
– a strategic direction
– success in terms of turnover and not just profit
– growth of at least 100% in both the areas I am focusing on
– an ability for me to draw a salary without feeling guilty
– an ability for me to continue growing the current pool of talent
– hiring of at least 2 new staff members between the 2 organisations- may be shared
– should take about 10 hours a week of my time
– a proper Dublin office

For my 2 voluntary roles:
– stay as is, pretty much
– be more structured, be more thought out, be more strategic
– should take about 2 hours a week of my time, on an average

For my other 2 roles:
– the roles will allow me to work on my own times
– the roles will allow to be employed in a manner that keeps me engaged and challenged
– I will have a defined job description, clear roles, tangible results
– I will have my own space to do the role and will be allowed to come in and leave as I please
– will take about 20 hours a week of my time

In addition to all the 6 roles, I will
– spend some time networking
– spend some time meeting people to keep in touch with the news and the business pulse
– spend some time doing PR for the companies

In everything I do:
– I will be successful
– I will deliver results
– I will beat expectations
– I will be ethical and moral
– I will be kind to everyone I work with
– I will inspire
– I will be a pleasure to work with
– I will learn
– I will travel
– I will teach
– I will have fun
– I will enjoy all I do
– I will strike a good work-life balance
– I will have good work place banter with like minded people
– I will be in a primarily ‘N’ environment

Learning, growth and sustainability

Don’t be self-destructive

I am good at what I do. I am capable of all I do. I perform well at my tasks. I forgive those I have worked with in the past who have let me down. I ask for forgiveness from those I have let down. Love to all.

I am going to continue being good to myself.


Cleaning binge- here I come, again.

Cleaning of the physical space, cleaning of the soul, cleaning of the brain, cleaning of the negativity- I am full of life, vitality and optimism. I am a beacon of hope and I spread goodwill everywhere I go.

Take An Action

Every day I will do something different to the previous day, however small a task or move it may be in the right direction.

At least once a week, I will reach out to at least one business contact I don’t usually say hello to.


Genuinely, I haven’t felt better than the last few weeks. Things are happening, change is coming and I feel it in my bones. I just do. It’s that womanly intuition I keep hearing about. It’s all well. Life is beautiful.

With exercise 1 done, I am now going to take advise from another post regarding making the visualisation work and add that to this post:

I want to achieve the feeling of contentment and satisfaction that comes from doing a job well.

I will first achieve this by
– ensuring the Irish arm of company 1 is up and running
– ensuring that company 2 is ready to trade
– performing the best I can in my current role and delivering the project as per plan
– ensuring I continue to grow and learn and keep myself challenged
– finding the right mix of the work I want to be doing

I can achieve this because
– I have the right skills and experience needed to perform
– I am a diligent worker and ultimately, focus on the long term sustainability
– I care about what I do and hence, focus on delivering quality

I will achieve this by July 31, 2013

I will reward myself by
– company 1 up & running: a new scarf. After 100 full paying Irish orders, I will take The Shrew to Monart for a weekend and will take Harry for a good dinner
– company 2 trading: a new pair of shoes. After I draw my first salary, I will take a fellow Indian with his own company here for a night of cocktails
– current project: by getting a new project
– ensuring growth: end of the year, evaluate growth by having done at least 3 new types of project tasks and thus, earning myself a new dress
– finding the right mix: end of Nov 2013, if I have achieved the balance I am aiming for that I know is right in my head and heart even if not perfectly articulated here, I will buy myself the bike I have been talking of

The 3 important benefits of achieving this goal are:
– I will be much more content than I am currently when I get the satisfaction of using my brain the way I want to
– I will be able to give more to the society, including my mother
– I will be able to focus on improving other aspects of my life

Richard Wiseman also suggested following the doublethink, so here goes:

Why achieve? Self- satisfaction & Contentment
The feeling of satisfaction and the feeling of contentment of being able to put your feet up, enjoy your life knowing that you have performed correctly, done it all to the best of your ability and have the means to enjoy the life you are leading is pretty awesome!

Barrier: not finding the right role
This is a huge challenge in the current economy and in the current market environment. Additionally, it is tough to find the right mix. As a kid, I wanted to have my pick of projects I worked on and I am delighted to be at that point of my life and career.

Another word why? Happiness & Success
Self satisfaction and contentment together define happiness to me and by achieving that inner happiness, I have reached my personal pinnacle of success. By knowing I have enough to enjoy all I want in life, I know I have come to the point where I need to decide to either keep a steady pace or define a new success.

Another barrier: My mental attitude
I can be my ow enemy at times. It is something I am aware of and am working on it, here’s hoping I can overcome this hurdle sooner than I realise…

cannot become by remainingThank you Denise Duffield-Thomas and Richard Wiseman for your advise and guidance.
Thank you Universe for giving me the strength, the courage and the future I imagine.

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Things that will happen

These are a few home visions/ affirmations, in a very cryptic manner so as to keep them close to myself yet put them out there:

1. I will make the amount of money I intend to make by the date I intend to make it by
2. I will go to Havana/ Cuba in July with Winnie
3. I will do the trip I intend to do with the person I intend to do it with by April 30th 2014
4. I will stop being as shy as I am about my company and my identity in real life and be more open about it- to the extent, I will feature in at least one article by April 30th 2014
5. I will be living the life I imagine in my head as part 1 of my long term dream by Dec 20, 2013

Future, watch out, here I come.
Life, be warned, I am taking control.
Universe, thank you, for giving me the strength!

Love & peace to all.

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An Ideal Scenario

Today, while talking to a friend, we decided to not just think short 1 year visions or any such thing but describe an ideal scenario, that’s slightly realistic and what a day in our lives might look like in 3 yrs, 7 yrs and 10 yrs. I tried my best and am not sure how realistic I am being but hey, it’s just a dream, right?

dream is in your heart

3 years

In 3 years time, I hope to be living in with my partner, with at least 1 company doing really well and me being in the process of selling the other one. I wake up in the morning and go for a walk/ swim/ ride close to the house or else we are living on the land where my dream house will be built. After this, a good long shower, we share a healthy breakfast and then I head on to work in my office. At work, I have an excellent team with great passion for their work (and yes, an EA to assist me!). During the day, I take at least 3 breaks- one lunch to catch up with a mate in a nice restaurant, 2 coffee breaks to catch up with people.I go for a walk post work or some such activity while catching up with a friend before heading home to a nice dinner over a glass of wine, maybe sitting on a swing, looking into the distance and having a great chat with my partner (potentially planning adventures!). At night, I sleep well (well, after some vigourous exercise perhaps!) and wake up refreshed the next morning.
Additionally, I am driving a car similar to my current one but a more updated model, have my bike, get regular massages, am healthy and maintaining my weight at the optimal value. I am not worried about money and am leading a fairly secure life. Am potentially already married and in a comfortable loving relationship, possibly planning a family. My family are all doing well and I have few worries. I am in a happy spot.

Happy = looking beyond imperfections

7 years

In 7 years time, I hope to be with my partner and potentially 1/2 kids. If possible, I would like to have adopted a kid (law allowing!). I should have sold 2 companies (inc the one I sold in 3rd year) at this stage and am running a small startup or am in a comfortable job that allows me the freedom I want, getting a salary I really appreciate. At this point, I am hopefully living in my dream house, with my dream car and dream bike.
I wake up in the morning- go for a nice, long walk. I come home to have a quick swim before a shower and good breakfast with the family (yeah, we have a nanny to mind the kids and a housekeeper to cook/ clean/ help around the house). After breakfast, I drop the kids to creche/ school and head to work. At lunchtime, I head away for lunch with a friend before bringing the kids home. Once home, the kids do their activities while I work from my home study and then the kids and I spend some time getting some fresh air/ exercise before they get ready for their dinner and bed. At this stage, my partner returns home, we have dinner, enjoy a beautiful evening before going and using our jacuzzi under the stars and heading to a nice, relaxing sleep.
I am healthy, getting massages regularly, doing well financially, enjoying life, sharing life with a good set of friends, spending a lot of time in both India & Ireland & traveling. I see a lot of my family (also, my partner’s cos it’s mine too) and we are a healthy unit. All in all, it’s a happy world. I am still involved in the community, I am still pursuing my hobbies and I am a strong individual with a good dependant relationship with my partner.

almost like my dream house

10 years

This is the year I would ideally like to soft retire. I have sold off all my companies, sit on about 5 company boards and 2 charities. On the side, I am doing projects that keep me happy and I feel challenged by. This way I get to enjoy a good work-life balance.
Life just keeps getting better and better.
I wake up in the morning and go for a ride on the horses. After a good ride, I get home to shower/ swim before breakfast with the family. The breakfast is a happy affair which gets everyone in the mood for the day. After breakfast, kids head on to school and I head into my office (potentially at home) to work. I step out at lunch to meet a friend/ colleague and also have a coffee out. Late afternoon is time for some activities with the kids before my partner arrives home. We eat a beautiful meal/ go for a walk/ have some friends over/enjoy some time together before getting a good night sleep.
I am still enjoying life and it is becoming better day by day by day.

future is based on today

Things I am going to just expect as part of my life: my time with my friends, my time with my family, my strong personality, I will have something to do with education, I will start a trust fund, I will be a part of the society, I will be in a strong dependent relationship which allows both of us to maintain our individuality, I will still be shooting, I will travel loads, I will maintain my standards of health and body, I will maintain my defined standards of care and maintenance, I will head out socially on a regular basis, I will buy the necklace I want, have an active life and a strong relationship (in exercising terms too!). I will be happy, I will be content and I will be successful. This is not a case of waiting 3-10 years but always, from today/ tomorrow/ as the right time for it to be a part of my life arrives- the sooner, the better!

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Actions speak louder than words!

The other day, I was back in my old office talking to the second most senior person- someone I have admired from my first interaction and someone I genuinely have a lot of time for. She is also one of the really few people I have always been inspired by- for her simple ways, her warmth, her encouragement, her dedication and her passion. So, to hear words like “you overwhelm me and make me feel inadequate” are high praise in themselves, but when she invites you to talk to * wait for this *
** breathe ** (me, not you)
*** drum rolls *** (again, for me, not you)
… to the WHOLE office- I don’t mean the Dublin office, or the Irish office- I mean, internationally- .i.e. almost 250,000 people globally- and these are some of the brightest minds in the world, then, well… you know her words were not just words.

STILL overwhelmed by her reaction. STILL in shock. STILL in complete awe of the lady.

And today, I have A LOT more self belief- so dear world, watch out- ‘cos I come with renewed energy (even if my sickness means I need to sleep every 3-4 hours and I feel like death warmed up) and optimism and faith. The world is definitely my oyster and here I am to take over as that meek engineer who actually makes the ship get to its course while the captain is too busy dancing and prancing around.

Boo yeah. Whoever said 2012 is going to be awesome was so right. Oh wait, that was me- see, already coming true!

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Exotic Capital

So apparently there are a few different types of capital that people are generally evaluated on, it’s kinda of the new caste system. Three of these being monetary capital (your financial  situation), your intellect capital (education and intelligence), your social capital (who you know) and the fourth being identified as the erotic capital. I personally believe, for many, there is a fifth- Exotic Capital.

Exotic has a different meaning to different people (’tis all about the perspective) and it is valued differently by them- some think the colour of the skin, the accent, the nationality, the nativity, the culture define it; some believe it is the way you think, what you do that defines it. I believe it is the “je ne sais quas” (spellings were never my forte), that unknown quality that really makes the other person stand out for us, because it’s that ethereal value/ quality about someone that drives one crazy- for example, geekiness is definitely something that grabs my attention and I find geeky men that little bit more exotic, even though I am a geek too. I also am fascinated by new accents and height…

So basically, at the end of the day, when I am evaluating whether I really want to have someone in my life, it is on a combination of those 5 capital scales and I suppose inherently there is a score that helps me determine the effort I will make towards a friendship…

Yet another reason to embrace your extraordinary and live big (I have a similar poster on my wall inspired by some words shared by a friend many moons ago and again by another earlier today as a reminder to live one’s dreams!)

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Where I am today

I have felt the last 2 days have been very unproductive for my usual standards- a part of me is wondering if this is what I want to do and realising it is, a part of me wonders if it will go the way I want it to because as Will Smith said…

And so I am working towards getting it, but every so often, i reach an obstacle- be it a writer’s block, a moment of doubt, a fight with my partner or the need to catch up on sleep or just this horrible, chesty cough that has come to revisit me.

And then I recall Ira Glass’s words

Words that remind me that sometimes, it is ok to take a moment and take it slow- ‘cos if you don’t, your work can suffer (read this article for more about good ideas- good read!).

So hopefully, I am now back up on my feet and am gonna kick some a$$! 🙂

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Today I got a tarot card that said some beautiful words:

And followed soon after, I saw this pic on a site…

Additionally, I am feeling nervous, excited and stressed due to a meeting I have tomorrow which has suddenly changed format and it could make my dreams come true, sooner than I expected. If this is a sign, it’s a pretty optimistic one- fingers crossed!

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What am I looking for?!

I know I am looking for no obstacles, I know what my dreams for 2012 are, I know howt to get there, yet every so often, a spanner comes in my plans.

From about 4:00pm on today, the day just went topsy-turvy and I have no clue what happened and why everything started going WRONG!

But I definitely have a better idea of what I want, even more- tossing a coin always does the trick!

 ¡ʎɐp ʎʌɹnʇ ʎsdoʇ ɐ ɟo ʇıq ɐ ƃuıʌɐH

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Dreams for 2012

I have been meaning to write down all I want to achieve this year: here are some images!

1. The BIGGEST decision of my life potentially but one that makes me excited, tingly and happy 🙂

2. I know I look good but there is something about feeling good- inside and out. I have ignored yoga and my body for ages but this year, I want it to change. It is not just about turning heads when I walk in about doing a double-take everytime I catch a glimpse of me in the mirror! Too vain, perhaps but it’s what I want for me.

3. My blog name says it, my very ethos is about it and I really miss it. I cannot wait to go on a new adventure. I am hoping I don’t have too long a wait.

4. What’s the point of owning a beautiful car like mine if I don’t take it for an adventure- bring on summer, hood down, foot on accelerator and just a weekend of giggles, photography, chats, fun- boyfriend optional 😉 Well, to make it that bit more special, it would be nice to go with him!

5. Goes back to #1. When I start earning, I can start saving. It’s a vicious circle.

6. With the changes coming my way, with the roller-coaster I have been through in the past few months, with the decisions I have made in the past few years, I have forgotten myself- my values have remained, I have adapted but I have not always been honest to myself- this year, I find myself again.

Honestly, I am not even sure what this means but it sounds AWESOME and so I am somehow gonna define it this year for myself and make it happen!

And when I find myself, define magic for myself, I can be who I want to be- again. It is time to reinvent myself.

7. Have fun, live life, be happy

So what if this is my last moment on earth- as I have said, I would rather die doing something fun and memorable than sick and bored…

Part of finding myself is to accept myself too!

This means finding a different type of strength, maybe not so unladylike though:

AND confidence- the confidence to be me!

And now that I have begun the process of finding inner peace, I hope to always

8. While finding my new strengths, I shouldn’t forget the old ones in my life:

I am SO SO SO SO SO lucky to have the people I have in my life- thank you! If I am cranky, if I am tired, if I am insufferable over the next while- forgive me and keep giving me the strength!

And why wait to find a mistletoe… 😉

A hard call- I do know this is always tough to judge and very intangible but I really hope to achieve it the best I can:

9. Something small, something materialistic and something that makes me smile: I am going to own my own Loubotins by the end of 2012!

10. A full bar to me symbolises friends coming in, good times, the ability to afford the finer things and a sign of laughs and memories that have been shared and that will be created 🙂

And no point of drink, without some food, esp exotic food- nom nom nom!

11. I also want to read more, write more, see more plays, have more laughs, explore more and just let the year be the year of awesome!

2012: the year of living, the year of dreams and the year of living my dreams! 🙂



Filed under Dating, Food, Friends, Travel

6 in 6 days!

This is a NEW record for me- I have always been head-hunted, I have always had opportunities come my way but in the last 6 working days, I have had 6 job offers!

Almost all of them have been very enticing, very exciting, very tempting. I have been thinking about it alot and decided to try and identify what is it that I love so much about what’s on offer and what I have so here goes:

On Offer:

  • An opportunity to make my own team- in most cases, I will have 1 or 2 old people but need to bring in other talent as I deem fit
  • Money- not just the money but the expense account, the options to spend and get the lifestyle I need
  • Travel- all offer me an expat package of X trips to India (and the ones not in Ireland are even willing to thrown in a trip to Ireland annually!!!!!)
  • Intelligence- the roles are tough but the people I will be with will have intelligence
  • Assistant- I need one. Simple as. No doubts.
  • Structures- I usually dislike these but I do see the need to have certain structures, reviews, documents etc to udnerstand what’s happening
  • Not living in the Urgent land- The idea of pre-planning is something I embrace
  • Company- I am not a lone wolf
  • Support- Interesting networking opportunities, interesting people to meet etc
  • Did I mention BRAINS? And I don’t mean the ones zombies look for!
  • Financial responsibility- not budgets etc but when who gets paid etc- the actual process

What I love here:

  • Freedom- I come and go as I please. This does me feel guilty and I track to do about 80 hours of work a week- double of what I am technically supposed to
  • Opportunity- there is so much growth possible, there are so many things we can do but we need to plan and get the right team together and I am finding it tough to do that- when the coach you have hired doesn’t think one has the right team, you know you are in trouble
  • Responsibility- I have an awesome scope- I can do what I want, the lack of some structure (for lack of better word) upsets me to some extent but the rest is pretty darn awesome
  • Living my dream- I can actually see the dream life in my head unfold if certain things go as I imagine they should/ will
  • Emotional attachment- this is MY baby- Ryan may have done the initial hardwork and all- he carried the baby for the gestation period but when it was time to change the nappies, wake up to feed it and do all the dirty work, I was in there with the sleeves rolled up. He may not admit it, but I had a huge part of the decision and achievements wracked up by this organisaton even before I came in full-time. Just when the baby is beginning to start walking, it would be wrong of me to not be there to make sure the gates are closed, the stairs padded yet show the baby the path it needs to go down ‘cos watch out world, we are gonna rule the roost and beyond!
  • Pride- No one and I mean no one else can do what I am doing in the organisation- not someone new, not Ryan, not any of the current team, no one- a lot of factors work towards this realisation. Not saying I am not replaceable- just as easily can be but no one can else get the organisation to perform the way I can, partly cos of the visions I have and the way Ryan and I think and are linked.

However, it’s weird when I was writing the good, a lot of the negative points came up too and I feel, I just do, I need to pen it down:

  • I am unhappy- unhappy not ‘cos I am doing something I don’t want to but ‘cos I care and I am doing something I want yet I have a sh!t team- I change any words I might have said in the past- wipe them all out and let’s start afresh. The organisation has grown, they have been asked to grow and they are not growing the way they need to- I am beginning to wonder if they have the capacity to?!
  • I have NO support- as a friend or as a colleague- if I open my mouth- I am apparently being too chatty, being too whingy, being too sulky or being too judgemental- f*ck you all. And this article helps me realise even more that I am not going completely insane.
  • Almost every time I have an idea, it’s dismissed and then fed back to me a few days later- sometimes I feel its a power play but most of the time, I think it takes that long for him to assimilate the idea and by the time he does, he forgets where it came from and then wonders why I have no original thoughts
  • I feel guilty if I am not working every single moment
  • I can’t afford the life I want- I came here for 3 months and am still here 13 months later and have nothing to show for it
  • I can’t implement the changes I want, I can’t base the office in a place that makes sense (tacit knowledge/ hub/ proximity/ safety), I can’t make decisions
  • I don’t have certain powers I want- I will always remain ready to fly till I have that security and till I know I have it cos I have earned it- Crystal, Ryan, Spartacus telling me they will look after me no matter what is not the security I can live with
  • I HATE, HATE, HATE the official title I have- it’s missing the most important aspect about my role- the aspect I love and the very aspect I do least of
  • I really dislike not being a team in the office and the lack of communication we have- telepathy has it’s limitations
  • I don’t like the fact that Ryan’s loyalty doesn’t allow me to hold people as accountable as I would like
  • I don’t like that Ryan feels he is above everything and be excluded form procedures
  • I don’t like the fact that I seem to be constantly picking up Ryan’s sh!t and he doesn’t realise that- how long does toilet training really take?!
  • Lack of intelligence- I am tired of talking to myself, I crave human interaction.
  • Lack of meeting new people- I get ideas, perspectives, thoughts from interactions and not from reading or lectures- at the end of the day, a coffee is so much more fruitful
  • I feel I am constantly banging my head against a wall
  • I know I am constantly banging my head against a wall
  • My ‘team’ can’t perform and I am constantly doing things to make their targets achievable without anyone else knowing to project them in a good light but how long can I run myself this thin?

Sorry about this peeps, what started off as a WOW moment ended up as a rant- if I told my mother today that she may have an unemployed daughter on her hands today, things must be bad.

I wrote Ryan a card asking for time and undivided attention and then I chickened and removed it ‘cos of the day he has had- see, I protect him constantly- the best friend, the mate, the love in me can’t hurt him even for his own good yet a part of me is hurting and crying for attention- sitting in the same room for 2 hours with 5 mins of chatting helped me feel it’s all ok even if it’s a false sense of security- at the end of the day, I want simple things and happiness and contentment- I want my dreams to come true, I want to have the relationship I deserve, I want to lead the organisation to heights it deserves to go to, I want to support my mother in a lifestyle she deserves, I want to look after my aunts and uncles, I want to be able to go on the holidays I need to just survive- I am considering a sun day for Gawd’s sake, I want to be able to buy a magazine without wondering if I can afford it if that’s what I choose to do, I want to laugh, I want to smile, I want to be the person I always imagined I will be, I want to be able to buy the €1000 pair of shoes I am drooling over ‘cos I will appreciate them and want them, I want to be able to get the handbag I actually need and not settle for something sub-par cos it’s in my budget, I want the house I planned years ago.

I don’t have high expectations of me, do I? 😉

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When it rains, it pours!

It’s bleedin’ miserable out there- it’s been raining, everything is flooded and I am still in the office. It’s gone crazy!

And at almost 2 am, I am still alone in the office trying to solve issues! And now, it’s 4 and I haven’t even managed to finish writing this- I have at least 1 more hour’s work so I should be in bed for about 6 am 😉


Anyhow, this kinda captures me:

Am I really a quitter for wanting to give up ‘cos I see that the one other person who needs to be thinking along my lines isn’t?

Am I quitting because of my own high standards or is it genuinely a hindrance to my growth?

Am I surviving ‘cos I am the one pushing and motivating myself?

Am I beating myself? Our today’s achievements alone a defining moment?? Or will next year really be defining, ‘cos if I stay it is because things will be more the way I want them to be and that would mean at least 25-30% growth…

Who knows what the future holds but it’s worth dreaming! I am glad to see the rain has kinda subsided- wonder when Rower will come down now- Tues or Wed :/ I kinda want him on both days! Is it soppy, smitten or just plain greedy?!

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Taking a moment to breathe and take stock

And sometimes, I do think at the turn of a new year, or my birthday or just randomly, I did so today… decided to take a glass of wine, sit in the garden to watch the sun go down and just count my blessings.

And blessings are aplenty-

  • I have a brilliant family- yes, I have had my differences with some but there are so many others who just absolutely rock and are amazing. And they are the ones who make life so much crazier and fun. Yes, I miss having my own sibling to create havoc with but I had my own fair share of fun with all the other mischief my brothers and I got up to, and not to miss the midnight shenanigans with my little sister
  • I must be the luckiest person with the friends I have- from my own mother to the millions of others- Crystal, Spartacus, Ryan, Tigger, Winnie, Dr F, Snoopy, Curly, Daddy long legs to name a few… infact, one of them just said the nicest words to me on Facebook an dmade me cry- happy tears but cry nevertheless
  • I enjoy what I do
  • I almost always manage to achieve all I want to- yes, I am still a bit away from the dream I have in my head but then again, that dream changes goal posts every time I think of it and so the plan has to be tweaked accordingly…. right?

All in all, life rocks and the cherry was when one of my favourite entrepreneurs and a guy I admire loads offered me a pretty cool job with all the trimmings I could want! There is something very pleasurable and upsetting about turning it down- bittersweet!

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Filed under Family, Friends, Management, My Day, Ramblings