‘cos it’s a tiny world!

Tis amazing how many time in the last few weeks I have bumped into people who have more in common than I expected:

  • Last weekend, almost everyone I met, there was a person in common. Some of us had even been at the same wedding last year
  • Yesterday, my colleague told me about a call she made to someone I used to know at one point and when she mentioned it to me, I knew exactly who she had been talking about and was truly surprised by the way the call went
  • A couple of days ago, met a client and turns out he comes from my sister school, sister college and we were in the same society, and both of us were within 4 kms radius back when we were in India

These connections and so many odd coincidences….


…. I feel absolutely amazing and am truly, madly, deeply in love with life!

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Tonight Tonight

Tonight… I spent tonight on my own.
I cancelled my plans, sent Red out, popped open 2 tubs of ice-cream, played a movie and just chilled.

Pure pure pure bliss. Something beautiful about an evening with myself, reading, colouring, movie-ing, eating, shopping… everything!

Loving life, hope you’re having an awesome Saturday evening wherever you ware and remember, take a moment and be kind to yourself.

Love xx

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THIS February

I feel it in my bones… and no, I am not referring to the utter, bitter, horrible, freezing cold but to the fact that something magical is unveiling and I somehow don’t know it yet!

comfort zone

You heard it here first! Exciting exciting exciting times await xx

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Evil Energy

After ages today, I went for an energy healing session. It has been a very long time since I dipped my toe in this sort of a world.

During the energy, she asked me of the evil energy- so far in my life, I have only come across 3 times when I have felt it and it has been a VERY long time since I was aware of them so the question threw me off guard. I have really cleaned up my act in many ways and to find out that I was somehow still leaving myself exposed to someone else’s evil energy really shook me.

Here’s to clearing myself again but more so, ensuring I am guarded from the elements to avoid such a startling question again- fortunately, all the evil energy I had in my life is no longer a part of my life, despite the heart breaks that came with it. And now to keep it that way, inshallah!

I wish someday, we will all be rid of the evil energies around us.


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Dewy Grass

Yesterday morning, I walked to the office as I often do. It was a blistery wintery morning- a little bit of rain and a lot of wind, nothing too unusual for Ireland really.

But wait, there was! It was also a little sunny. And I suppose being dressed for the occasion meant I could deal with the cold and the misery without much trouble and so I marched along with my head in the clouds.

And as I entered a park, I saw something beautiful, something almost magical and something I wish I could somehow have captured- I saw the wind blow the dew on the grass. It may seem trivial but on a not quite grey morning, it was a sight to behold and enjoy- I truly wish all of you get to see something so pretty yourselves.

Here’s to the little things! x


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Lose it!

Yeah, lose the fear.

accept being wrong.jpg

Wise Wednesday Words x

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A 5 hour cuppa!

“So, let’s meet for a cup of tea” slowly becomes a lot of giggles, tonnes of laughter, honest chats, confessions, swapping of ideologies, one knows they have found a kindred spirit.

Today was one such day and I want to mark it, mark it for posterity about how wonderful a feeling it is to meet someone special, someone beautiful and someone so very genuine!

If there is one thing I believe in, for a strong foundation of friendships, these moments are important but they are better when they have been a long time coming… a friendship that sparks from the moment you meet is good but inseparables from point 0 fizzles as quickly as it starts and thus, I consider myself extremely lucky that it took us over 3 years, innumerable parties to have this beautiful one on one.

What a fab way to kick off this week! If this is what 2016 has in store, I am even more excited :) x

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Grateful as can be

There are days when things so amazingly well.
There are days when nothing goes to plan.
There are days when one is buzzing with energy.
There are days when no amount of good food can pep one up.
And then, there are days where everything seems that extra bit beautiful.

Today, I am grateful:
– Grateful for the family I am born into
– Grateful for the family members I have adopted along the way
– Grateful for Red
– Grateful for the fantastic relationship I have with Red’s family
– Grateful for the friends I have
– Grateful for the fun times I have with my friends
– Grateful for my professional life- bar 2 bad moves, it has been awesome and those 2 have gotten me along the life path I am on today
– Grateful for my health- have my ups and downs but it’s there
– Grateful for dancing- one always needs to bust a few moves
– Grateful for laughs- so glad I have these in my life
– Grateful for music
– Grateful for books
– Grateful for being able to walk
– Grateful I can cook healthy foods
– Grateful I have led the life I have
– Grateful to have all the materialistic pleasures I have
– Grateful to have the disposition towards materialistic things I have
– Grateful to be spiritual
– Grateful to be grateful

Enjoy a moment and be grateful for what you have- trust me, it’s a beautiful feeling. Enjoy x

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The year that was…

2015 will remain ingrained in my mind as one of the best years ever…

  • Some fantastic holidays
  • Great personal learnings
  • Key achievements realised
  • Good friendships strengthened and weaker friendships let go
  • Put myself first and accepted it without guilt
  • Meditated, loads and love the feeling
  • Hosted some epic parties
  • Attended some amazing parties
  • Loved more than I disliked about the year
  • Fantastic relationship with Red

And MOST importantly

  • I have learnt to accept my opinion- it’s not about sharing it with anyone else or even acting on it but being at a place where I can see the facts for what they truly are

I am going to miss you 2015. Looking forward to an even better 2016.
I made a promise in Dec 2012 to never let any other year be that horrible and am delighted to find each year get better and better and better.

Happy new year all- enjoy 2016 at least as much as I enjoyed 2015. Love x

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So I am going to have a 4 week sugar free period starting Monday and to stick to it, I am trying to use up everything for the various parties we are going to so it’s not me or Red eating it all ourselves.

One of my favourite recipes is these lemon bars: http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/bake-sale-lemon-bars

SOOOOOO bad for you but so good!

So for NYE, I have:
– rice crispie slices
– rocky road
– nutella and kahlua cupcakes with ferrero rocher toppings
– lemon bars

For the 2nd, NY celebration, I have:
– more rice crispie bars, different recipe!
– leftover lemon bars
– no bake nutella cheesecake- yum, you read that right!

How delish do they sound?! And I am actually going to share it too!! ;) xx

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I am a statistic

Honestly, I never thought I would actually outloud admit it but that’s the fact- we are all exactly alike, we want exactly the same thing and we end up doing the same things!

Here’s an interesting read someone sent me earlier today: http://www.girlfriendcircles.com/blog/index.php/2014/01/the-5-biggest-mistakes-women-make-in-their-friendships/

#1: Agreed. I bow down to the persistence of many friends who kept trying to meet more and more and eventually I did and today, they are amongst my favourite people

#2: Amen. Bittersweet truth- my friends have changed, a lot of the very old ones are around but many have changed, some I didn’t expect and some I did… c’est la vie. I have added in many new friends in my group in the last while too though so whoop!

#3: My biggest issue. I feel I am constantly making an effort and sometimes when I step back, I realise I was and so the friendship does fall off the charts completely or sometimes I realise the different strengths. Now I am in friendships where I take more initiative and some where they do… overall, there is a balance in the relationship that works for us!

#4: This bit is fortunately not true at the moment. Or so I wanna believe. Hopefully I will always remain mindful of it.

#5: Guilty. Absolutely do but I think I do it when someone makes me happy too- I exaggerate on both ends but mostly on this space or in my head. I use it as a form of justification for my actions too…

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And then, it happened again!

Well, this time it wasn’t a dream both of us had but once again I dreamed of the same person as a few days ago!

In this dream, I was out for a run with the help of a physio, with Red and bump into the girl I used to think was my best friend. She started helping me, much to my astonishment and so I asked her ‘why’. And she responded by saying “‘cos she cared”.

It was a sad and poignant feeling- I realised I still care for the two of them, knowing me- I always will and it’s sad it has come to this stage. While driving today, I realised how I feel.

Imagine a playground and in the middle of it, a glasshouse. In this playground, there’s a lot of stones, gravel and bits kids throw around and play with using the glasshouse as something to avoid. One day, a kid throws a stone breaking the glasshouse. It’s not the fault of the person who put up in the glasshouse in the wrong place obviously but of the kid who threw the stone.

I am that kid. Well, at least I feel like that. I truly thought I had achieved closure but right now, I wonder and I sincerely hope it comes soon. I am done with this sh!t.


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And now for Christmas!

Bring it on!

This is the first year I have partied as little as I have and had a total of 3/4 days at home but if anything, I have learnt a lot this Christmas season:

  • I am older, I don’t mind not going to the new bar that’s just opened
  • I can’t drink as much as often, I need more recovery time
  • I prefer small intimate groups to big celebrations
  • I love that big night out or two coming up to christmas
  • I love the traditions certain groups have started
  • I have an alcoholic theme to my presents this year, yup!
  • I love shopping for others
  • I love cocktails and prosecco, not always together
  • I am very lucky to have the friends I do
  • I am becoming rather domesticated with hosting my parties and baking loads of nibbles/ desserts
  • Life is awesome

Have a fabulous, safe and very merry christmas all. Love xxx

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Freaky or freaky?!

Like almost every other Sunday morning, I woke up, stretched and snuggled into Red… and as I woke up a little bit at a time, I started chatting…

It’s VERY rare for me to remember a dream but I mentioned having a dream about 2 people I used to be friends with and cared (probably weirdly still do) about and imagining a complete parallel reality that would not have been true even if things hadn’t gone down the route they did. That was not so weird, I am doing my whole washing off and assimilating 2015 internally thing BUT Red admitting he dreamt of the 4 of us too but a different scenario- again one not possible either. HOW IS THAT NOT WEIRD?!

Somehow though this has helped me understand the whole situation better and find closure- I understand the role each one of us has played, how each and every one of us is at fault and how it truly started with me not listening to my gut the first, second or third time! I am glad I did NOT listen to my gut to ask her down for a weekend in one of the most beautiful houses I know for some R&R earlier this summer- to catch up, to figure what’s going on and to maybe make it possible to be civil. I know things may be nicer today but I think despite all the other casualties, despite the others affected, despite the pain all of us have felt, I am glad we all know where we stand and I can, somehow, accept it all.

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The scale of funny…

Hehe, I like this…!


Any way, doesn’t matter the scale, go laugh! I have laughed a lot this weekend and hope you have to

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So, last week I cooked for a tiny army and so was left with tonnes of aquafaba- my new favourite ingredient to play with!

If you aren’t aware of it, it’s basically an egg white substitute and is originally the brine from a can of chickpeas (or other beans but primarily chickpeas). Can be used to make pancakes, cakes, brownies, meringues and everything else with eggs in it really.

Today, I baked brownies for a friend’s surprise birthday party- risky to try a new recipe I know but it’s the only way I was gonna be baking tonight. Think I would add a little more butter as mine seemed a little flaky but here’s the recipe I followed: http://frieddandelions.com/perfect-brownies/

I would say the recipe would work well on its own as is but being in need to finish all the leftovers in the fridge, I used up the salted caramel to replace the amount of maple syrup in it.

Just took a test bite and I want it all! NOM!!


And this is what I want to use the frozen aquafaba (there’s just so much in the fridge!!) for:
And for the lemon curd: http://atravellingcook.com/2015/05/egg-free-lemon-butter.html#more-883

And perhaps for breakfast tomorrow- a good brekkie does kill a hangover: http://avirtualvegan.com/vegan-omelette/

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In the last 3 days, I have been caught in pyjamas 3 times when I least expected it but once, I chose to put them on (the least flaterring ones infact) and sit down with Red and a good friend of his!

child in us

Now I am obviously very comfortable with Red but to be so comfortable with his friend is a good feeling and you know you have made some right choices in life when you are surrounded by such folks in your life.

I am a lucky girl.

Today I am grateful for the love in my life- romantic, family and friends; comfortable clothes I love and a happy disposition towards everything.
And the epic 10 hour sleep I had earlier. Yes!! #winning

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So, this happened!

Earlier today I was driving home, shattered and wrecked- looking forward to my bed.

And then, I came to a stop at a red light in the middle lane and realised the guy on my right was indicating to come into my lane so obviously I acknowledged I would let him in but realised he wanted to ask me out for a drink.

Now, I have had men hit on me in numerous places but never when I am looking like a zombie and in pure sign language a metre and a half apart.

One way to feel pretty damn good about myself and go to bed on the high from it :) Feel beautiful world, you are awesome x

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For something different…

Genius is the person who dreamt up this bed- so pretty and so funky. I can see a lot of mess building up on it though ;)

boat bed

If only… Sigh!

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The First Hello…

… after the last goodbye!

Yes, I had one of those moments yesterday where, at a ball, I glimpsed a guy I was with.

Now this is potentially the only guy in the world I really imagined a future with and it went nowhere, I was definitely very upset and confused when it all unfolded. And I always assumed we would bump into each other at some point but just not at a black tie ball- the advantage there is we both looked well :)

So, re-applied my bright red lipstick, shook my hair till it looked just messy enough to be cool, in my towering high heels, I walked up to the guy and said hello. And then he rose, all the tallness of him and I recalled why I was so attracted to him- still an imposing figure, still a good looking face and still someone who could fill a suit well.

And then we chatted, we chatted for a few minutes catching up on the major aspects of life. And then we chatted about the smaller things and then we chatted of things we hadn’t really spoken much about at that time. And as we chatted, I realised he was a good guy (phew, I hadn’t messed up on that front at least) but an unhappy one (despite major changes since we had met, and all of them good, he still wasn’t content), with a few regrets in life and so, it made me appreciate Red so much more.

The moment we finished our chat, I knew it was time for me to head home, head home to the man I love the most, the man who stands up to me when I am wrong, the man who pushes me to be the best I can be, the man who gets silly with me when I want to, the man who scrubs up well and escorts me to all the fancy balls we go to, the man who makes my ‘ovaries swing’… I knew the story that started 3 years ago is the one I want to be a part of for the rest of my life and I am really glad I got the closure with Tolkein without ever actually needing it.


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Watch this NOW!

This IS worth stopping everything for:

You are welcome.

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We all have wings…

The other day I was chatting to my granny and she reminded me of the one thing she wants from me, she has been saying this for a decade and I have come close to being able to give it to her in the past but never quite managed it and of course, someday I hope to but it has to work for me too as it affects me greatly.

Somehow, this image below reminded me of that conversation:

shadow angel

Don’t focus on the burden that something may cause you, look at the wings it provides and take positive energy from it! Let everything lift you above and above and above till you can soar and reach the goal.

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Happy Diwali

I love Diwali. Holi is my favourite festival but I love Diwali- there is something special about Diwali- the love, the brightness, the sense of freshness, the sweets, the family time… everything, the package that is Diwali is just awesome :)

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 19.23.53

Light a candle, pop in a malteser, eat a festive meal, drink some good whiskey, play some cards, hug your nearest and dearest and perhaps, take a moment to introspect and be grateful for all you have and plan for all you want.

Love, light and peace xx

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Dear Duvet

Sometimes there are days and then there are days, every so often I like to make a booty call to my duvet and just go for it…

booty call

So would love a good day cuddled up in my duvet, with hot chocolate, having built me a fort and watching all the crap movies in the world there are! Sigh.

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Gratitude, Pure Gratefulness.

The month of October was a gratitude month for me where I wrote a journal for each day and why I was gratitude. Looking at it now I realise I am such a darn, lucky person!

I am free

And I had many opportunities last month to play the game but I am exceptionally grateful to take a moment and map out what I really want and what the next steps should be for me… it’s an exciting time now and I am unsure of where things will head but I have a pretty good idea of the path that lies ahead of me. I have a feeling 2016 is gonna be effing epic and I just cannot wait!

Bring on the excitement of the life ahead and the journey ahead… the change this week alone has been terrifying, tough and exciting and I keep feeling this is just the calm before the real storm and I know it’s gonna be tough but I am ready for the challenge… BRING IT ON!

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I re-emerged!

Tonight, I was out for dinner with 2 of my best friends- these are girls I have known for years, hugged, cried, partied with, laughed with, been in hospitals with (not all at the same time), etc etc etc- these are MY girls. I am VERY lucky that I have a lot of such girlies in my life :)

So we did our usual once every 4-6 week dinner catch up and it was, as always, delightful, too short and once again, we had to be removed from the premises because we lost track of time. Yup, even after marriages, babies and such, when we get together, it’s still a little silly (on club oranges too, I will have you know- it’s all the sugar from the fruit, I tells thee!!)

As we were talking, I somehow felt I have come out of a shell, after almost a good few years, I laughed and slagged the way I used to, I talked as much as I used to- I hadn’t realised how much I had changed till I felt like this again- whether it’s the moon, the time of the month, the friends, the mood I was in or just the decision I made last week but all in all, it’s a pretty awesome way to be and I love it.

I am so glad I am on such a high… the high of life… long may it continue xxx

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Choices, Changes, Cha-ching

Yup, I just went for alliteration in the title, sometimes playing with words is fun ;)

I am in an interesting situation at the moment- I have 2 exceptionally fantastic options and they both could lead me down the path I want to go- 1 is easier and makes me a fair bit of money, 2nd is tougher and keeps me saner. When put so plainly, the latter is obvious but there is a love for the former option because it allows me flexibility, gives me peace of mind and lets me move on to the next piece of work exceptionally easily. The point being that the next piece is unidentified as yet.

I have a very clear vision of where I want to be in 10 years time but that’s no good today as both the options could lead me down the path and both options could mess me along the way so it’s more about how I manage this situation than anything- I am at a crossroads, an exciting crossroads, probably the most exciting in my life and I have to make a decision that will impact every other aspect of my life… no pressure, eh?!

I am so glad I am in a position such as this and the issues in my life are down to how things make me feel… a few years ago I was in a minutely similar situation and at that time, I knew sanity was my only option. In this case, I suspect I have more- I just need to explore them all and the clock is ticking… 4pm today, which way will I head… decisions, decisions, decisions! Send me  powerful good luck vibes please :) x

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Yup, we can…

Often, we start on a path and realise we need to amend it but are unable to do so  because of our ego, our belief we should stick to the original plan or some other influencing factor…

But sometimes, changing the path IS the best thing ever- I have altered mine and I am over the moon because of it. BRING it on! :) Whoop.

brand new ending

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Guilt, Be gone!

A few years I made a decision. A decision to put myself first.
This cascaded into minute impacts all over the place- they started off tiny but they were huge.
Some of these impacts I have been feeling guilty about… and some of the consequences I am not happy about, but that’s life and I understand it.

The longer I live, the longer I analyse the decisions I made:
– Was I right to move countries?
– Should I have said no to certain ideas?
– Would I be better off back in the corporate world that I left?
– Have I made the ethical decisions?
– Did I ever break my own values?

And yes, I made mistakes. Who doesn’t?
And yes, I wasted time following certain thoughts.
And yes, I let myself be influenced by factors that shouldn’t have influenced me.
And yes, I got to the point that I am at today.

A point in my life, where I am with a wonderful partner, a fantastic set of friends (many that I have known since I was 3/4), an amazing family despite all our faults, a great experience, financially debt free, able to take the holidays I want and enjoy most of what I need and yet, I worry myself with guilt.

FFS, Guilt, be gone. I am a happy person focusing on the right things in life and it’s time, I said goodbye to all things toxic- the past 3 years of cleansing has been good and I feel I might actually be at the cusp of a new inner revelation.

I love life. Especially  on evenings after god-knows-how-many-months that I have actually managed to paint my nails and sit with them in the air while doing nothing else, guilt-free. Whoop!

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Influenced or not…

As we get older, we are always taught to think for your own, not to care about what others think, follow our gut, believe our instinct and so on… Truly, they all make sense, self esteem, having faith in our decisions and making our own choices are important.

However, I wonder if it is truly possible to not be influenced by the people around us. If that was the case, why do the 5 people we spend the most time with affect us? If that was so, why do we hope our families get along? if that was the case, why are we all not completely selfish? Inately, it is because we are human and we don’t like to be all on our own and as a community, we genuinely look out for each other.

The other way, I was chatting about certain decisions I have made in my life and how things have worked out.. I would love to say I made the decisions all by myself and was not affected by the comments others made but that would be lying to myself. I was, am and almost definitely will be affected by what people think but I think as I get older, I have the ability to discern who are the people who truly matter- as life happens, some of my closest friends are not the ones I see most often, nor are they the peeps I speak to the most and there are others I have become very close to and care loads about but I know which camp impacts certain decisions for me more than the others.

With so many self empowering slogans flying around, I think we need to take a moment to reflect on all the support we get from everyone else and how weak we would be without them on our sides! Thank you to those of you who mean the world to me, who genuinely care, who truly want the best for me and still the best ones to go out on the tiles with. Love you all! x

good friends & real friends

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Stop crying!

Get a move on- cry, learn and move on… c’mon, you can do it x

dont cry at the same thing

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The balance of the good hearted moaners!

The other day, I was chatting to this couple with whom I have become very good friends- we were realising how friendships have changed and how some we thought would always be around are no longer important, cherished, easy or possible.

It basically got us talking about the different philosophies we all choose to decide who to stay with and who to avoid… and I spoke of the dilemma I had gone through a few months ago where during my cull, I had realised there are some people I quite like, who mean well and are genuinely nice people but just not the ones I want to spend a lot of time with as they can be rather dull or stubborn and more often than not, end up complaining loads. A tricky one eh… how does it all balance up and I found the easiest solution was to reduce the amount of time I spent with them, switch off the brain that gets irked up and just stay calm till I get home and punch a pillow or breathe deeply on the walk home or do the forgiving exercise until I am comfortable enough with it.

Am I doing the right thing or this is the philosophy to follow… I dunno but it works for me, it allows me to keep good people around me in a way I like… all about the balance!

Focus on those who make you smile

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So Lucky!

This week has been amazingly good at making me feel SO very lucky to be with Red- he has been the biggest support, my cheerleader, my fan, my rock and also the one to pull me when I was wrong, the one to correct me when I was likely to go the wrong way and the one to pick me one when things were down but still, his motorbike and his DIY skills win tops!

boy vs gentleman

I don’t even know if others are jealous but I sure am lucky.

Full of love, gratitude and contentment xx

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Good idea

I am an exceptionally lucky lady and very grateful for that- I have an amazing partner (even as I do consider the possibility of us having to let practicality win and me head away) and some of the world’s most fantastic people in my circle of friends. I was reminded of this as I spent an amazing weekend with some fun people who I can laugh with, experiment my cooking on, be silly with and share serious conversations with.

Always, surround yourself with the people you love and admire. Boo to the negativity and the hassle of anything else.


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I looked back…

We all know I love a spot of introspection every so often! I know looking back is never a good idea but I think there’s a difference in looking back to learn and staying in the past.

So I had a moment of clarity a few days ago- you gotta thank relaxing in Monart for this- there’s something about sitting and chilling yourself to have those hallelujah moments- stillness is where it’s at. In 2012, I declared myself to be more about me and putting myself first and doing things that I want to do. I still believe that decision and I still love the fact that when we can balance the difference between putting ourselves first and being selfish, it’s the right attitude to have. I do believe that though I said it in 2012, it’s only now I truly believe it!

A good few years ago I was convinced I should walk away from a situation, to some extent I did but I wasn’t willing to let go. So I stayed on. Today, I look back and realise I was not giving myself the self-respect I deserved and needed. I knew I had a lot of supports around me but I stayed on because I couldn’t imagine the change I would have to undergo if I broke free.

Down the line, a friend of mine is in a similar position and I am advising her to break free and not make the mistake I did. And she is scared. It’s only human nature- that’s why I didn’t do it. I do wonder how much we hold ourselves back because we are scared!


Here’s to me having learnt my lesson, realising my worth, standing up for myself and decloaking all the uselessness I used to carry. And here’s to everyone else taking that brave step forward.

Peace out x

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The good and the bad

So, as you know, about 6 weeks ago, I aired my concerns about my understanding of love. I have since spent a lot of time trying to understand what it means to me, personally. I realise this definition may not fit anyone else and it may change as I get more mature but for now, this is what it is all about.

Love to me is about the kind of fights I wrote about- maybe without the fear of actual physical abuse but with the passion of emotion that we shared. But more so, despite the hurt and the pain, it is about moving on from it and focusing on all that’s good.

Love to me is about telling the other person when they are wrong, not mincing your words and going as far as telling them things they may not want to hear. This is mostly to avoid the issue of groupthink within any relationship.

Love to me is very strongly about being two individuals- those who are comfortable within their own right, those who can speak for themselves, those who decide on their own but those who care for the other one’s opinion, who take into account the feelings of their partner, who looks out for a relationship more than for themselves.

Love to me is about silliness- be it a fit of giggles over something silly, a hug for the sake of it, a random present cos you thought of the person, a funny card… basically, a lot of laughs.

Love to me is about being so secure with one another that a third person feels comfortable in your presence- there needn’t be a show of constant affection, constant canoodling, constant ego-upping of the other person- the occasional putdown is pretty acceptable.

Love to me is about thinking of the other person when you are happy, sad, when you wake up, when you go to bed.

Love to me is about wanting to spend more time with the other person the more you spend it with them- sounds weird but it makes sense in my head.

Love to me is about knowing I am so loved and that I love someone so much we know when the other one is not being themselves and accept it and move on.

Love to me is about doing something because it makes you happy to make them happy! And realising that has been a big, big, big thing for me.

Will I ever forget the fight? Almost a year now and I can easily say no.
Have I forgiven the person who caused it? To the best of my ability, I have.
Do I still to heal? Probably yes but that’s not as much about Red and me but about me dealing with the trust issues I have.

And with that, I leave you with love. Love, love, love xxx

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Somedays you wake up…

… and realise it’s gonna be an absolutely awesome day!
It’s only noon and today kicks ass!!

2 very strong negotiations in
1 very strong inkling of my next steps
Multiple ideas

I love days like today and am very very very very very excited about the way the next 5 weeks unfold… which direction will it swing… India vs Ireland….!

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Bacon vs everything…

Bacon! drool…

exercise... bacon

You got to, got to, got to, see this:

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Eventually glass cracks!

Those in glass houses should not throw rocks- this was one of my English teachers’ favourite idioms.
She was so poetic about it, it went on to become one of my core beliefs and till date, I am anti-hypocrisy. I am sure there are times I have come across as one, people have misconstrued my intentions and thought so or whatever the case, I do know that I have tried to be as honest and unhypocritical (s that even a word?!) always.

One of the things I prided myself on as a kid was the ability to see things in the varying shades of grey- to me, no situation, no scenario, no truth, no fact was completely black and white. Ok maybe, some facts- especially the one stating every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I am hoping this gets combined with karma and it really is a case of whatever you sow, you shall reap because in my opinion and experience, those who do throw stones froma glasshouse eventually do see them shatter!

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The year of 13 weddings!!

Yup, you read that right! It’s been a busy year for love.
Fortunately, we managed to choose the ones most important and relevant to us and went to only 6.

ONLY 6 eh!
Weddings are a good day out but they sure take their toll!
Financially- pretty expensive for the attendees and even more expensive for the couple getting married-it’s an insane money making racket! The diamond ring, the white dress, the whole shebang- fantastic marketing ploy.

It was a tricky one when we had 3 weddings in 3 different locations in 2 different countries on the same day. Unfortunately, Red won that round and so we went to his friends- compromise, compromise, that’s what it’s all about! (The funny bit though was knowing that 2 of those couples and another couple whose wedding we had been at a few weeks earlier had- all ended up in the same country for their honeymoon hehe!)

The best thing about the days is that whether you care for the couple much (in one case, I didn’t really know them well!) or whatever you may think of them, you do get all involved in genuinely wishing them well and hoping it all works out for them and you truly have a great time just celebrating their love and relationship.

Each wedding was great craic with obviously my brother’s being my favourite!
There was one wedding I was a little apprehensive of- there were 2 people I was exceptionally close to- the guy said one statement one day that made me question if there was ever a friendship and I think on its own I could have handled that but when she meddled, dragged Red in and said things to him about me that caused the worst night of my life, I decided to move away and keep my distance. Being the forgiving sort, I decided to let it be and just not be very friendly ever again and I was really glad I stayed that way- considering I hadn’t heard from those guys at all since that night, I was delighted when all of us could be mature adults and enjoy a good chat in civility without once crossing the border to showing any real bond on the day. I was definitely surprised when the next day it all fell apart- personally I was more surprised that anyone would have time to focus on anything but their new spouse on the day after their wedding! I knew then there was no going back and I was willing to accept that too. But today, something made me question it all… I am all for civility and so is Red but there’s them still remaining connected to him and speaking to him and I am exceptionally proud of him to be civil and still maintain a relationship, even if a part of me is aware to the outside world it could read as him  not supporting my stance. Or is it just that we are different and realise everyone has their faults, choose to work around them and still be nice to people, knowing full well things have changed?! Or are we just naive??

Even thought that post wedding memory will always stick out the most, all the wedding memories (blame the drunken brain) gel into each other, I remember some epic parties, some fun times, some great chats, some silly ideas and lots of dancing- lots and lots of dancing! I must admit I am delighted we have so many friends falling in love and declaring it so romantically but I must also admit I am looking forward to a bit of a calm before the 2016 weddings take off! All this partying… tiring work, I tells thee!! I think I am still not recovered and it’s been a week since the last one we were at.

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Jump, now.

Let’s avoid this trap!

dont wait

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Something beautiful

So the other day I was talking about the end of a very close friendship to another friend.

For obvious reasons, I am sad- it’s a huge part of my life and I do feel sad that thing went this sour but they do make for great memories.

She said to me, “The best way to look at it is that for each of you, the most beautiful thing of your lives emerged from the embers of this friendship.”

That’s such a beautiful thought!

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Some days are just beauty!

There are days and then there are days we always remember.
I had a great day yesterday with 4 friends at different times and some time with Red, while getting a lot of work done…
That was beautiful- productive, enlightening, loving and beautiful.

But today- today is a BEAUTY!
I am tired, I slept little, woke up early…
I enjoyed some beautiful people watching with a cup of tea by the canal in the wee hours
I meditated and took some me time
I did yoga
And had 2 amazing meetings!

There’s some fantastic people out there, there are great conversations to be had but I truly wish I could bottle this euphoria, this feeling of calm, this feeling of excitement, this feeling of love and this feeling of achievement. It partly comes from a realisation that 3 years ago I started a form of meditation focusing on the life I wanted in about 3 years and today, I have 80% of it- the 80% that truly matters but it comes mostly from a place deep within that I am not sure even has a name… I hope we all have many more beautiful days like these in the many years to come!

Thank you world for this wonderful experience and feeling I am so blessed to enjoy :)

EDIT: Added afterwords

Today I reached out to TL to congratulate him and ended up reading some of the past messages we had shared when we were dating. I am so lucky to have dated such great guys- yes, it didn’t work out with them but they are such fantastic people and I feel lucky and honoured to still have them in my life in some part, however tiny and minimal it truly is!

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Every goodbye is a sad goodbye

When I was young my mother always warned me to not resist a transition- she advised me that each relationship will eventually change and the best thing to do is adapt with it. Most of the times, I have.

In each case, I have learnt that the other person has adapted too.
In those, where either one of us has been unable to adapt, we have moved apart- sad as it may be, such is life.

Each goodbye hurts, some more than others, for sure.
The ones that hurt the most are the ones where you realise that everyone involved potentially wasted their time because at the end of it all- no matter what, each friendship gives people something beautiful but sometimes you wonder does it all weigh up!

And then there are ones that despite having been dead for a good few years, keep showing up in some form and each time, the hurt deepens and doesn’t get better with time. I look forward to the day when I can look back at each goodbye with that sense of contentment knowing we all gave it our best, it wasn’t to be but there’s no pain on either side (not that I will be able to judge the other side).

In the meantime, to all the friendships I refer to above:
I thank you, I forgive you, I am sorry, I love you, Go in peace.

PS happy birthday FL, I miss you (or the idea of you, I dunno which!!) and that was a goodbye I never got to say.

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The beautiful colours!

I love the autumn colours, ALOT!

colours of autumnEventually I will dislike the winter, the rain, the cold and the perpetual gloomy mood everyone seems to be in but for now, I am looking forward to the shades of yellow and brown and the beauty it brings!


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The emotional vs logical scare

Ever been in a fight where you were scared of being beaten up?
Ever been in an argument so bad that the taxi driver wanted to call the cops for one’s safety?
Ever been in a scenario where one is so scared that it’s only some perverse sort of faith that lets you realise it’s a certain mix of words from others, anger, hurt, disdain and alcohol. Or is this love?

When it happened, I cried for ages and I knew the words he had said to me weren’t his but those of someone he had spent a long time talking to, the anger wasn’t directed at me per se but he needed to lash- all this made sense at a logical level yet it hurt, it hurt more than most things have in life. Through it, I cried to my friends, I re-evaluated certain people and their so-called motivation to help, I re-evaluated our whole relationship- trust me, this is tricky when you are trying to keep it hidden from the world beyond. I considered moving countries, I considered running away the way my father did, I considered many exit routes and knew none of them make me as happy as good day with Red. I would have survived, I would have found someone else eventually, I would have created a new circle of friends and a new life but I knew, I knew it wasn’t him. Logically I knew I had nothing to fear and emotionally I knew he would never hurt me, yet I was upset and I cried.

Recently the person who had instigated this kinda came back into the periphery of my life and once again, the wound was reopened. This time, it was way trickier as I was once again, having to put on a happy face and deal with it internally. Red and I have spoken about this in length since, he has understood the deep pain I was caused, the person who instigated it remains clueless and I have no intention of changing that but I wonder if this is what love is- despite the worst pain, you know the person doesn’t mean to hurt you, contrary to what it may look to the outside world. Or is this stupidity? I know we are in a much stronger place together as this situation could have risen again but we knew how to handle it much better this time. The fact that a previous hurt I had dealt with is coming back to haunt me is making me question things I was very content with and I am very confused about what I should be doing (again!).

I am SO confused- he is such a good person, he cares for me deeply, he makes me smile by just saying hey or making his presence known, he tells me when I am wrong, he inspires me to be a better and kinder person, makes me follow my dreams and shares his with me, takes advice off me and in all respects, we are a solid team but this deep, deep pain, which is technically not his fault, needs to be dealt with and I don’t know how!

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A Downward Spiral…

I was in such a vortex about 3 years ago- 2012 was a terrible year for me in many ways.
There were some 3 people that hurt me with their actions deeply, a lot of words said that broke my confidence, factors that made me wonder about the viability of a lot of things and because each thing was upsetting me more than the last and each disappointment was coming on top of another, I was on a downward spiral.

Through a lot of introspection, a lot of logic, a lot of sense, a tiny group of trusted confidantes, a busy social life, I faked it till I pulled myself out of the spiral. Every so often, I see people in that place. Sometimes I try and speak to them, sometimes I stage an intervention and sometimes despite my saying anything, they choose to ignore it.

The worst bit is when I see a friend/ an acquaintance/ someone I know going through this and not realising it. What I often also see is people in that state is their negativity is so strong they aren’t open to hearing the truth- how do you go about this?! Any ideas, peeps?It’s sad to see a person find negativity in everything even if it’s not meant to be!

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Somedays all one wants to do is remember the boxing days, don on some gloves and punch the sh!t out of a punching bag!
The one thing that keep it sane for me is the really good set of people around me to pick me up, guide me, help me, make me laugh and just the ones who also understand trust and loyalty along the same vein that I do.

The only thing stopping me from truly having a punching session is a recent conversation with a friend after almost a year. For us, that’s usual- we tend to do that. She has seen me through so much, known aspects of me that few others have (mostly due to the fact that she has known me so long), been there when I broke my heart each time, turned to me every time her heart was broken, advised me when I took a misstep, looked at me for guidance when things weren’t necessarily perfect for her… it has been about 4 years since we saw each other in person, but when we are in 2 different continents and travel patterns differ, it can be tricky to make paths cross! It is also a confirmation yet again that my gut tends to be right.

Her words to me made me feel great, happy and accepting of the life situation I am in currently- the good, the bad, the exceptionally ugly, the not so ugly, the stressing, the irritating and the fun and the challenging. Her belief in my ethical compass and morals has further grounded me in my journey of life.

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Cha- cha- cha- changing…!

Yesterday, after a very long time, I was at home in the evening, chatting to some friends I needed to catch up with, reading a book and just being me. So I decided to take some time out and focus on myself and see how I have changed, what are the good things I have taken on and what not so good. So overall, I am happy with the person I am, there are areas I need to work on and not wanting to completely beat myself up, I am gonna go with the classic sandwich approach and talk about the ways I have changed…

1. Priorities
I am waaay better at prioritising things I want to do, people I want to see, goals I want to achieve, places I want to visit etc. Every time I am juggling a million things, I still seem to know what is the best thing for me to put my energy towards. For example, recently I had the option of going to a gig with a good few bands I wanted to see playing, horse riding, sailing and a party- knowing I would have way more fun at the party and the importance of it for me was the one I chose whereas, it would normally have been horseriding that would have won. Similarly, at work, doing my morning to-do lists and prioritising my focus means I achieve what I want to achieve! And definitely way better at ensuring I have time for the people I appreciate in my life and those who appreciate me. And definitely know a pair of Louboitins win over a whole week of healthy dinners ;) (yeah, I did that! I said I have improved not that I am perfect!!)

2. Communication
What used to be a very good skill of mine is somehow slipping away from me. I seem to have less time, too many platforms and maybe cos I am always in a rush to get it done, I don’t weigh what I am saying and somehow a few times, it has been misconstrued but never once intended that way. I definitely need to improve on this skill and at least go back to the level I was at it.

3. Quality Time
The busier I get, the less I want to party- partly because the next day hangover means one less day of getting things done! I am not a workaholic but I am a busyaholic and I do seem to prefer a good conversation and a coffee over a night full of cocktails. It also means that when I do have a cocktail full night, it’s great craic and I have an absolutely brilliant time!

4. Ranting
I never used to be a ranter before- this is something new that seems to have come about in the last 3/4 years. Somehow it has crept into my daily life and I really don’t like it. I need to give out less, get less offended about things and stay more positive. I am an optimistic person, usually quite happy with the way life is going but when something peeves me off now, I let it affect me longer than it should. I need to go back to not caring about things I can’t change!

5. Self esteem
I have always enjoyed good self-esteem and self-confidence. These are not areas that have needed work or so I thought. I have further identified the values I believe in, the morals I stand for and the ethics that define me. These have become much stronger guiding principles in my life and I always seem to be working with as the way I make the tougher decisions in life. Where in the past I may have been more forgiving, a lot softer and definitely a lot more understanding, I make tougher calls with these ideologies and try to surround myself only with the people who are similar, things that match my way of thinking and focus on creating the life I want, full of positivity, happiness and contentment.

6. PMS Irrationality
Definitely the hormonal issue most girls can’t avoid… pity! I have tried a few different things to fix it but chocolate seems to be the only thing that sustains me through the 3 days of pure irrationality- I feel like screaming, I say things I don’t necessarily mean to say, I fight with Red (he’s a saint) and I cry for no reason. I really don’t like it but bar going on the pill and messing up my insides completely (& potentially losing any interest in Red), I need to figure out a way to deal with it. Something that has started in the last 2 years cannot define the next 2 decades pre menopause for 10% of every month!!!

7. Trust
I have always had issues with trust. My teacher, my dad, my bestfriends have all hurt me at some level in the past. I have been backstabbed a few times. The last year or so have helped me define my own boundaries for trust. There is only person in the world I trust and that’s me. Sad but true. I do have a lot of trust for other people but the levels vary and the number of people I keep in that group is smaller than ever. I care for more people than I have but I trust fewer than I have and I love it like this. Those few who are in that circle of trust have proven to me time and again that they deserve it and I know that the moment they make a small mistake, I am not gonna share. Earning my trust is definitely getting tougher and I hope this doesn’t end up affecting my kindness at any level as Red has taught me new levels of kindness in the last while and the few times I have tried following his principles, I have ended up getting into the odd mess!

8. Confrontation
I don’t avoid them anymore. I prefer to meet and clear out things. Texting, emailing and all these other forms have never been my preferred choice and now I do all I can to avoid it. I suspect a face to face conversation clears out more issues quicker than anything else. I have in the past preferred to apologise, ignore issues etc but no I prefer to just get them dealt with in a no nonsense manner and get them out of my way.

9. Happiness
I am constantly understanding what happiness means to me and able to therefore amend my plans accordingly to keep my happiness level at almost always optimum.

10. Balance
It’s taken me a while but I have eventually found a balance- a balance between work and life, a balance in the ‘office’, a balance in my career, a balance in my spending etc. And definitely more spiritually balanced too as I have meditating more and doing more yoga. I dunno about vibrating at higher level lark but I feel loads better.

All in all, yes, I have a few areas to work on that have changed from before and a few areas I have identified that still need help but I hope I keep making amends constantly and hope most of them are for the better. Here’s to all of us being better people when we wake up than when we went to sleep!

Love xx

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An Innocent Bystander

I realised the biggest downside of being in a relationship- it possibly took me forever to learn the lesson that others have inherently known but I did. I have always treated each relationship as between two people but the more I see the world, the more I realise everyone isn’t as clearcut about relationships.

Recently, there was a bit of a fall out between someone I thought was a friend and me- things came to a head yesterday and we have agreed to go on differing paths.

There were a few things that upset me:
– it was yet another miscommunication issue
– after a great day on Saturday, I felt a change to some extent was actually possible but so was not the case
– Red getting affecting without needing to


There are a few lessons here for me:
– not to trust anyone the way I have in the past ever again
– to really try and read the worst in what I say/ write as it will be picked up in that vein way more than it would be in the way I intended
– to think of every relationship from a couple stand point yet treat it as my own singular one

I sincerely hope I can amend my ways before I cause anyone else unintended hurt.
As way of somehow putting it all to an end for me, I wish the people affected the very best and truly hope they get all they deserve. They have been good friends at different times to me and I sincerely wish them well.

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