Tag Archives: Love

Encased

There are moments… when out of the blue… I feel so warm, cosy and fuzzy. It is not because someone wrapped me in a blanket or because someone did something for me but it is a sense of security in knowing you are surrounded by a massive amount of love and there’s nothing that can penetrate that amazing layer.

I am in a genuinely enviable position to be with a man who doesn’t have me on a pedestal and he ain’t on one either (unless it is to change a frigging bulb) but a man who recognises me as an equal, who respects me for who I am, who does little things to make me smile and big things to get a rise out of me, who may not always understand my point of view but always empathises with me, a man who truly wants to look after me knowing full well that that is exactly what I want to do for him.

I haven’t seen him in a few days. When I am sick and tired as I am, it feels like a lifetime. Yet, I go to bed knowing I am a very lucky lady to have my friends, my family and Red.

I hope you feel as secure, content and loved and know the feeling I am trying to capture in words. Good night x

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Dear Mammy

It’s Mother’s Day in Ireland today. One of the reasons I have always loved the fact that they are different in India and Ireland is I have 2 mothers- one in India and one in Ireland.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, my Irish Mammy and I are no longer in touch and haven’t spoken in months. I understand and appreciate her predicament even if I feel a little upset about her stance but so were my deeds at least as she is to perceive them.

I do miss her. And especially today, I would like to let her know she is loved, appreciated and cared for by me, no matter what. A beautiful lady, inside and out, she taught me about being genuine, considerate and calm in a way very different to my mum.

Love you mammy, here’s wishing you a very Happy Mother’s Day.
Xx

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Whoop!! I called it!

February has been AN epic month:

  • Work has kicked a$$
  • I have had surprise lunches, dinners, spontaneous plans that have been fun
  • Attended parties, enjoyed massages, had dates with me
  • Opened up some amazing conversations with people I enjoy discussions with
  • Cooked some delish dishes
  • Written out my plan for the next while
  • Embraced some beautiful moments with friends and family
  • Soaked in some rays
  • Planned a new adventure
  • Accepted (what feels like a million) wedding invites of people I care about
  • Laughed, laughed and laughed some more
  • Loved, loved my friends, loved my family, loved myself and loved my life

I am a truly happy person today, cocooned in happiness that radiates from every pore of me!

Told you it was going to rock, didn’t I?!
Hope you had a fab Feb too and here’s to an amazing March! May it be as brilliant 🙂 xx

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2 sets of everything…

I live a life where I have almost two of everything- 2 black trousers, 2 black jumpers, 2 black pairs of boots, 2 pairs of black high heels, 2 sets of outfits for most occasions, 2 things of regularly used spices, 2 shampoos, 2, 2, 2…

Yup, it seems like a waste in many ways but there’s a lot of freedom in it too… I have the option to enjoy my buzzing, constantly on the go city life when I want and the calm, big garden oasis close to town; I have the option to have my own space when I want it and the option to share it with someone when I do; I have my own little woman cave and my own entertaining pad… the practicality of it is anyway amazing but the benefits are too UNTIL I realise I only have 1 thing of gelatin and it’s in my townhouse and I am too lazy to go back for it- I mean, it’s easier to go to a shop and buy some more instead.

Sometimes, there’s a dark lining in a usually silver cloud and I love this space to write about it, deal with the momentary obstacle and get on with my busy life 🙂

Boo hiss to no salmon terrine but boo yeah to everything else!

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And now for Christmas!

Bring it on!

This is the first year I have partied as little as I have and had a total of 3/4 days at home but if anything, I have learnt a lot this Christmas season:

  • I am older, I don’t mind not going to the new bar that’s just opened
  • I can’t drink as much as often, I need more recovery time
  • I prefer small intimate groups to big celebrations
  • I love that big night out or two coming up to christmas
  • I love the traditions certain groups have started
  • I have an alcoholic theme to my presents this year, yup!
  • I love shopping for others
  • I love cocktails and prosecco, not always together
  • I am very lucky to have the friends I do
  • I am becoming rather domesticated with hosting my parties and baking loads of nibbles/ desserts
  • Life is awesome

Have a fabulous, safe and very merry christmas all. Love xxx

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Happy Diwali

I love Diwali. Holi is my favourite festival but I love Diwali- there is something special about Diwali- the love, the brightness, the sense of freshness, the sweets, the family time… everything, the package that is Diwali is just awesome 🙂

Screen Shot 2015-11-10 at 19.23.53

Light a candle, pop in a malteser, eat a festive meal, drink some good whiskey, play some cards, hug your nearest and dearest and perhaps, take a moment to introspect and be grateful for all you have and plan for all you want.

Love, light and peace xx

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So Lucky!

This week has been amazingly good at making me feel SO very lucky to be with Red- he has been the biggest support, my cheerleader, my fan, my rock and also the one to pull me when I was wrong, the one to correct me when I was likely to go the wrong way and the one to pick me one when things were down but still, his motorbike and his DIY skills win tops!

boy vs gentleman

I don’t even know if others are jealous but I sure am lucky.

Full of love, gratitude and contentment xx

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The good and the bad

So, as you know, about 6 weeks ago, I aired my concerns about my understanding of love. I have since spent a lot of time trying to understand what it means to me, personally. I realise this definition may not fit anyone else and it may change as I get more mature but for now, this is what it is all about.

Love to me is about the kind of fights I wrote about- maybe without the fear of actual physical abuse but with the passion of emotion that we shared. But more so, despite the hurt and the pain, it is about moving on from it and focusing on all that’s good.

Love to me is about telling the other person when they are wrong, not mincing your words and going as far as telling them things they may not want to hear. This is mostly to avoid the issue of groupthink within any relationship.

Love to me is very strongly about being two individuals- those who are comfortable within their own right, those who can speak for themselves, those who decide on their own but those who care for the other one’s opinion, who take into account the feelings of their partner, who looks out for a relationship more than for themselves.

Love to me is about silliness- be it a fit of giggles over something silly, a hug for the sake of it, a random present cos you thought of the person, a funny card… basically, a lot of laughs.

Love to me is about being so secure with one another that a third person feels comfortable in your presence- there needn’t be a show of constant affection, constant canoodling, constant ego-upping of the other person- the occasional putdown is pretty acceptable.

Love to me is about thinking of the other person when you are happy, sad, when you wake up, when you go to bed.

Love to me is about wanting to spend more time with the other person the more you spend it with them- sounds weird but it makes sense in my head.

Love to me is about knowing I am so loved and that I love someone so much we know when the other one is not being themselves and accept it and move on.

Love to me is about doing something because it makes you happy to make them happy! And realising that has been a big, big, big thing for me.

Will I ever forget the fight? Almost a year now and I can easily say no.
Have I forgiven the person who caused it? To the best of my ability, I have.
Do I still to heal? Probably yes but that’s not as much about Red and me but about me dealing with the trust issues I have.

And with that, I leave you with love. Love, love, love xxx

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The year of 13 weddings!!

Yup, you read that right! It’s been a busy year for love.
Fortunately, we managed to choose the ones most important and relevant to us and went to only 6.

ONLY 6 eh!
Weddings are a good day out but they sure take their toll!
Financially- pretty expensive for the attendees and even more expensive for the couple getting married-it’s an insane money making racket! The diamond ring, the white dress, the whole shebang- fantastic marketing ploy.

It was a tricky one when we had 3 weddings in 3 different locations in 2 different countries on the same day. Unfortunately, Red won that round and so we went to his friends- compromise, compromise, that’s what it’s all about! (The funny bit though was knowing that 2 of those couples and another couple whose wedding we had been at a few weeks earlier had- all ended up in the same country for their honeymoon hehe!)

The best thing about the days is that whether you care for the couple much (in one case, I didn’t really know them well!) or whatever you may think of them, you do get all involved in genuinely wishing them well and hoping it all works out for them and you truly have a great time just celebrating their love and relationship.

Each wedding was great craic with obviously my brother’s being my favourite!
There was one wedding I was a little apprehensive of- there were 2 people I was exceptionally close to- the guy said one statement one day that made me question if there was ever a friendship and I think on its own I could have handled that but when she meddled, dragged Red in and said things to him about me that caused the worst night of my life, I decided to move away and keep my distance. Being the forgiving sort, I decided to let it be and just not be very friendly ever again and I was really glad I stayed that way- considering I hadn’t heard from those guys at all since that night, I was delighted when all of us could be mature adults and enjoy a good chat in civility without once crossing the border to showing any real bond on the day. I was definitely surprised when the next day it all fell apart- personally I was more surprised that anyone would have time to focus on anything but their new spouse on the day after their wedding! I knew then there was no going back and I was willing to accept that too. But today, something made me question it all… I am all for civility and so is Red but there’s them still remaining connected to him and speaking to him and I am exceptionally proud of him to be civil and still maintain a relationship, even if a part of me is aware to the outside world it could read as him  not supporting my stance. Or is it just that we are different and realise everyone has their faults, choose to work around them and still be nice to people, knowing full well things have changed?! Or are we just naive??

Even thought that post wedding memory will always stick out the most, all the wedding memories (blame the drunken brain) gel into each other, I remember some epic parties, some fun times, some great chats, some silly ideas and lots of dancing- lots and lots of dancing! I must admit I am delighted we have so many friends falling in love and declaring it so romantically but I must also admit I am looking forward to a bit of a calm before the 2016 weddings take off! All this partying… tiring work, I tells thee!! I think I am still not recovered and it’s been a week since the last one we were at.

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Sep 29, Monday: Gratitude

1. Health
Being sick last week really took it out of me and I realised, once again, how important health is and how lucky we are!

2. Family
Yesterday I met a whole load of Red’s family for the first time. It reminded me of mine and I am so lucky to have mine and so lucky to be with someone who cares so much about his.

3. Love
The love of a dog, the love of a friend, the love of a parent, the love of a partner, the love we feel, the love that we have, the love.

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Aug 11, Monday: Gratitude

1. Love
I am lucky- lucky to be loved the way I am, lucky to love the people I do, lucky to have the love in my life. Love is like oxygen and I am so very lucky to have it in my life. And yes, I still want a puppy for the unconditional love too!

2. Money
When things are slightly tough and tight, being able to spend money is a plus. In fact, I started a treat wallet for myself- I need to put in it the leftover from my budget every week and can only spend it on extravagance- nothing like just a weekend away or festivals or anything- a designer pair of shoes, bags or spa break kinda thing. I am looking forward to making the most of this for myself.

3. Visualise
Being able to imagine things in my brain about they would look and then seeing them work out is always good. A simple example is my new room and the way I visualised it is very different to the way anyone else would have used it! Being different is also something to be grateful for but seeing a visualised concept taking shape is way cooler 🙂

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Jun 9, Monday: Gratitude

1. Love
Exactly 18 years was the first time I acknowledged I was in love for the first time ever- it was with FL, he meant loads to me as a friend, as a boyfriend (the way one can at that age!) and as the first person I ever truly wanted to be in a bubble with. Today, many years later, many boyfriends later, I am lucky to have that sort of love again. However, what is amazing is the love I also have in the form of friends and family. Lucky, lucky me. Thank you all.

2. Excitement and Opportunities
As I am coming up to the most exciting phase of my life so far, where I am making plans that could affect my whole life, I am full of the prospects ahead, the optimism of it all working it, the potential in life itself- certainly very exciting, did I mention VERY?

3. Values
Mid conversation regarding something this weekend, we were discussing the value system and the core beliefs each person has. I am delighted I have the ones I do- even if they tend to cause me pain cos I (irrationally) expect others to have the same. They have made me the person I am, they have stood by me through test of time and they have never deterred through my highs and my lows- it’s like that set of few friends I have- they have just been there, no matter what.

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I know, I am breaking my own rule!

But I genuinely have the best partner in the world. FACT!

Red, you are awesome- when you should be working on your own stuff, you are helping me with mine so I don’t freak out and giving me all the support I need- you rock! You are an absolute rockstar and I adore you loads.

Definition of love

Love,
Joy.

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How do you know ‘It’s the one’?

You know, whenever I read fairytales, was told of love, it was as if you knew when it would be the one. I have never known. Maybe I haven’t found the one. Maybe I don’t believe in the one.

But I do know that for a good strong relationship, there is one really good sign and that is when one doesn’t have to explain or justify the other person’s methods/ moves/ comments etc.

When I was with JR- his not talking to me for 3 days- I explained it by saying he was busy.
When I was with TL- his lack of willingness to spend- I explained by claiming he earned in INR and me in EUR.
When I was with SL- his lack of wanting to fly to India- I explained through lack of funds- though he could go around South America!
See a pattern?
Not saying Red is the one but saying that being with Red has made me realise that love is truly about accepting the other person, completely unconditionally!

My tips for knowing you have a good one:
1. Acceptance
2. Respect
3. Pride- pride in showing them off
4. Happiness- their happiness increases your happiness.

be yourself

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Cheese Alert- this may be a bit over the top!

How can this not make one’s day go better:

photo.PNGAnd it just makes one feel happier and so loved. Well… we all want that feeling!

So Red, this is for you:

better person without changing youThank you for making me want to be better (even if I still don’t wanna do the dishes!) and for making me feel like the luckiest girl alive.

I hope everyone can experience love like this at some stage of their lives 🙂

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Dec 29- Jumbo Post for Last Week

Dec 23: Gratitude:

– Savings- I managed to spend loads and save the aimed amount
– Love- tis the season
– Liver- read above

Dec 24: Moment:

My first Christmases- in India, in school, in Ireland, hosting, with Snoopy, with Ryan’s family, with friends at Ryan’s family and now added in, Red’s

Dec 26: Letter– read post below 😉

Dec 27: Week Gone By:

– Survived Christmas- think my presents went well and I was definitely spoilt by the ones I got!
– Got comfortable in Red’s family home to an extent where I didn’t constantly feel the need to be on guard.
– Got some major deadlines met despite all the obstacles!

Rant:

This article written by Brad Pitt really irked me- no woman is a reflection of her man- yes, her man and any other person in her life can affect her love and self confidence but herself is not a reflection of him but of how he may make her feel! At the end of the day, each person is an individual and so it should remain!!! Any one who thinks their happiness is dependent on another person, get a grip and anyone who thinks they hold the key to someone else’s happiness, come back down to earth- we are all responsible for our own happiness, we give others the power to make us happy- they don’t have it automatically!

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Why I love Red

I was out for dinner with Daddy Long Legs earlier today and I realised 2 very important things about why I am so much happier in this relationship than I have ever been in the past. I do realise I may have already said these but it’s always good to have a new reminder 🙂

1. We are two individuals. We go out with others, meet others, talk to different people, acknowledge the presence of the other person but don’t necessarily talk to the other person. When together, we are a unit- we are a strong couple, we deal with our issues and we can be a team when needed but to us our individualities are important. Yes, I am Red’s girlfriend and yes he is my boyfriend (ugh, hate those terms) but we are different people and hope to continue to remain so.

2. He grounds me. I go into flights of fancy and even though he joins me, he adds an elements of practicality. Similarly, he goes off into his flights of fancy and lets me join me. Together we both continue being our mad, quirky selves while knowing when to put a stop for the other person. Well, at least I hope I do the same for him.

Yes, they are not new, they are exclusive to us but they are very important to me and I am glad I got those two! A third but not so important but still fairly important is the fact that he can go from moshing with me in a dirty pit to scrubbing up for a black tie event, if needs be and knows how to hold his own in both those situations.

But the one reason that is not as practical yet overpowers them all is that he makes me laugh.

come out strongerI hope we have the basis to be that sort of a couple and someday, we will get there…. only time will tell!

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It’s in the little things

My sappiness continues… things Red did in the last while that were just very thoughtful:

– Despite being very tired, he went looking for a phone charger for me so I could charge my phone when I came down to visit
– I was working late and he went to bed before me- kept my side of the bed warm, switched on the light when I walked in so I wouldn’t trip and generally made me feel all fuzzy and warm
– Learnt how to cook a dish I love so he could cook it for me, my way!
– Made a cosy spot for me to work from in his place
– Left a toothbrush on my bag so I wouldn’t have to go looking for it when I woke up
– Made me feel like the most loved lady

Thanks Red for making me feel so loved and so cared for and for breaking down my defenses- all these things you do are not unnoticed or unappreciated.

actions are stronger than words

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Oct 22: A Beautiful Moment

I remember the first time I kissed a guy, I remember the first time I fell in love and over the last while, I have been thinking of FL a little and realise I was very lucky to have lived that romance at the young age that I did.

Of course I miss him but I have lived longer without him than I did with him a part of my life and I am now with someone who I never compared him to yet somehow shares a lot of characteristics with. The way FL always made me feel amazingly special and wanted to help me whichever way he could is almost as awesome as the way Red makes me feel.

And what I truly adore is that though I was special to these guys, the way they care about all the people in their lives is fantastic and to know that you are sharing your (current and potentially future) life with someone that wonderful is most definitely one of the most beautiful moments and definitely a feeling I hope to relive again and again and again.

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Oct 14 Monday: Gratitude

Festivals
I mean the religious kind and even if I may not believe in God, they are awesome. Dusshera, Diwali, Christmas- they are all coming up and I cannot effing wait! I love the festival cheer and the socialising, the madness, the partying, the everything that goes with it!
Brains
I ner doubted my intelligence and now I am even happier about it- I am glad I think the way I do and I am glad that I have been taught to think the way I have. I love having brains over beauty, any day!

Love
I am blessed, truly blessed, to have the love I have in my life- friends and family alike! I love it.

 

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Sep 24 Tuesday: A Brilliant Moment

Yesterday I saw a pic of SL in the newspaper and it reminded me of the many good times we shared.

Whether it was a surprise trip on a boat to help me keep my get out once a month promise, or
Whether it was a trip to F1 for  my birthday, or
Whether it was an overnight picnic on a secluded beach. or
Whether it was the laughs and the conversations we shared…

Seeing his unchanged smile, seeing him happy, seeing him following his passion I was reminded of us, the 5 years we spent together, the years we wasted to some extent but the years that probably made both of us the people we are together.

Can’t wait for our next catch up, wherever it may be, SL.All the best and love.

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Jul 29 Monday: Gratitude

A few hours late as I have been away but here goes:

1. Friends
I am exceptionally blessed with my friends- the last couple of days have reminded me that even more- seeing Tigger twice in 3 days, having some very honest chats with Lady, indoor picnics, partying with tonnes of others has been absolutely amazing and I have enjoyed each moment of it 🙂

2. Photography
I love taking photographs and I love traveling- combine the two and I am VERY happy. Going through my pictures and identifying the good from the bad has been/ is time consuming but SO much fun!

3. Love
And not just the romantic kind. I know I am not in a relationship with Red but to deny the romance is pure silliness. He may not be a poet, he may not buy me flowers but he does his own style and it works for me- I really enjoy it all! However, I am lucky to have ALL the love I have in my life.

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Life is pretty darn good

These days all seems to be going well… I was talking to a friend of mine who was trying to understand my “relationship” with Red and I surprised myself by saying this:

Screen shot 2013-06-04 at 22.56.27I have almost always been the relationship sort of a girl, I have fun but don’t get serious but this time, there is something different. Lady keeps wondering if I am compromising on what I want but the truth is out there- I am happy, I am having fun and yes, I would be keen to know if we have a future but hey, there’s no crystal ball!

break, forgive, kiss, love, laugh, no regrets, smileAnd you know what, I might be doing something unconventional, I might be playing with fire but I am creating memories that make me smile and hopefully always will.

AND I am meeting some amazing people 🙂 All in all, I am pretty damn happy with the way my life is!

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If only we all communicate clearly…

All of world’s problems simply come down to miscommunication, I have discovered.

If India & Pakistan could understand each other’s wishes & needs, we may not be at war.
If Northern Ireland could have itself understood, it would not be so confused.
If 2 people who had fallen out actually spoke & understood each other’s perspectives, there may be no need to fall out.
If an employer and an employee heard each other’s concerns, there may be loyalty in the workplace.
If any 2 parties basically communicated, communicated such that they were understood, such that the other party still felt respected, still felt understood and still felt a winner, we would ALL be in a much happier world… and there in lies the answer to world peace.

Miscommunication and misunderstandings are the reason why we keep getting into the evil spiral we do. Simple as. See I told you, I is wise 😉

There we go- my 2 cents worth for the day!

Do all you loveSo if we come from a place of love and do everything with love, especially communicate, we may, just may be able to eradicate our issues… wishful thinking!

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The kind of Love we all aspire to…

I seem to be getting a lot of love stories these days and they are very sappy and cheesy but kinda cute….

Here’s another I like!

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman, probably in his 80’s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

‘That is the kind of love I want in my life.’

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Life= storm and dancing

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True Love… Nothing good gets away

Saw this post on facebook today, thanks to a friend- absolutely brilliant!!

Letter John Steinbeck wrote to his teenage son Thom who had just fallen in love –

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Da

Everyone needs a dad telling their son this!

love and better

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May 14 Tuesday: A Brilliant Moment

The moment I first realised I was in love- goes back to when I was a teenager. I remember being with FL and having a great time- we had bumped into each other in a night club and it was when he told me he was moving to a different city… it was one of those rare moments when both our families were in the same place and we had to act as just friends 😉

When I learnt I was gonna have a very short time with the guy I had known since I was a kid, with the guy I had gotten to know as more than a boyfriend, I knew I felt something I had never felt before- it was not a case of feeling abandoned, of feeling I was losing anything, or any such but a feeling of serene calm knowing that together, we could face it- together, we were going to be a unit and together, we would enjoy life and face this obstacle.

FL, you know this- at least every July if not on any other day- I miss you. Thank you so much for leaving me with such beautiful memories.

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If music be the food of love…

… I have had the most romantic 3 days EVER!

I have been to many music festivals, I have heard lots of bands but the last 3 days have been just different… I hadn’t planned any of it, it kinda all just happened and I am on a HUGE high!!!!

I even went away for the day to see John Grant perform- it was amazing- so much more electronica than I had expected. All in all, amazing!

musicSo today I went to the county that Red was spending his weekend in. Bumped into a lot of his friends too. He didn’t know I was there and I still haven’t informed him. I feel I shouldn’t need to- just cos we are in the same place doesn’t mean we should meet… am I weird that way?! Many of my friends think so but he had his plans and we hadn’t really been in touch… Of course I will tell him when I see him- we even put a pic on his friend’s fb just to let him know! Ah well… I am still too much on a music high to give a damn!

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Ability & Trust

Since I am now in a forgiving and loving mood!

ability & trust

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If things were normal, life would be too boring

And this captures the current state of my love life (and every other aspect) absolutely perfectly!

normal vs my love lifeI wish I knew what I want in my relationship with Red- I can’t blame him since I can’t articulate it myself yet- aaaargh! It’s such a case of the blink leading the blind!

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In the past year…

A lot happens in a year- I truly believe this:

a year

This time last year, I would have counted Tigger and Ryan as two of my closest friends, Candy & I were going through our own transition, I cared a fair amount more than I do about Chammiya, I didn’t really know Lady, I hadn’t met The Shrew.

However, more than that, I think I have finally understood why I hated 2012 as much as I did.

1. Of my trilogy of “best” friends, two of them were not there for me. The rocks and support I had were moved from under me and I felt my absolute core shift and me not understand it. I have always kept myself guarded in the past ‘cos of my dad- I let it down most to certain people and two of them used it to hurt me. And boy, they hurt me- not by getting together (I couldn’t be bothered by that) but by not realising that it affected my relationships with them individually. At no point, did they try to preserve the individual friendships we had but that’s the passion of a new relationship. At least they are happy. And hopefully soon, things will calm down a little. I do hope the image below always reminds me of the sort of romantic relationship I want and how I want to ensure my friendships remain unaffected so as not to be on this side of the scale.

relationship happiness

2. I felt I was more like my dad than not and I didn’t like it. I had ended my downward relationship with TL and been made to feel guilty. I ended my downward business relationship with Ryan and the guilt in me wrecked me. I felt I had walked out on 2 people who expected more from me, who wanted more from me and to whom I couldn’t give. I broke ties the way my father did. TSG was awesome in making me realise how different I really am.

Bitchology

3. I was with Roark this time last year and kinda hopeful about it. This year, I have been with Red for over 2 months now, we are not in a relationship and we may never have a future but I feel more safe and secure with him than I have in the longest time. He gets me. I do hope we are given a chance to figure out “us” but then again, c’est la vie.

when you both want

Last year, according to many friends I was stressed, I was wound up, I was scared, I came across unhappy and I truly lacked focus. I needed the year to build myself up. This year, everyone has seen a calmer sense in me- I have accepted my faults, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. I am stronger, I am softer and I am ready for the challenge that life throws my way- I have been lucky to have found some amazing people who have stepped in and decided to help me out. I am truly blessed. I am lucky. I have a fabulous life.

accept, confidence, fear

I also realised I have been second guessing everything, been looking for my father’s approval, been wanting to do it right and in the process, have gone against my instinct and therefore, ended up on a longer route to where I may have been going but hey, it’s finally beginning to get there- slow and steady eh? 😉

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Cowardice…

I like this definition- came across it today on email and even though it doesn’t reflect my personal situation, I can well relate to it.

biggest coward(though it goes all ways- any human doing it to any other human, it needn’t just be a man to a woman!)

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An alpha and an alpha

The other day, a mate and I were talking about relationships- we both agreed that the best/ ideal scenario is when a couple can retain their identities as individuals and form a new identity as themselves. Also, we know that it is not too idealistic a scenario as we have seen a lot of examples of such in our lives.

However, I was chatting to another mate and they commented that an Alpha and an Alpha could never gel. For obvious reasons, this got my goat! We have seen how many posts I have written about the brilliance that is the combination of these two.

And this got me thinking… so here’s what makes a good Alpha-Alpha relation work and be awesome, in my opinion. A lot of these are good relationship rules in my head but then again- I have never understood a non-Alpha-Alpha relationship so…. :

– They need to be friends first
– They need to have their own interests and know what they like or don’t
– Their relationship needs to be built on trust, loyalty, respect
– The relationship needs to be well balanced between depending and letting the other person depend
– The relationship needs to have more areas of support than of competition
– Both people need to retain their individual personalities- Goes without saying, they need to have awesome chemistry

In other words, if two strong personalities can be supportive friends and also be lovers, it could really work. Idealism or realism, I am not sure but I like to believe the latter!

perfect relationship

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And why just on Valentines…

We should go about sowing love everywhere 🙂

Plant some love

Happy Non Valentines Day!

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And cos of the day that’s in it…

Love even them grouchy ones, or rather, especially the grouchy ones.

Love showerSo SHOWER THEM WITH LOVE, eh?!

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Happy Valentine’s Day :)

A bite meh, but I am tired and too lazy to find a better one but it does capture nice beyond the naffness….

love is close in heartHope you are nice, cuddly and warm today!

Great day for date 1 for me, eh? 😉

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And so begins 2013…

… a new adventure
… some new excitement
… a better year- well, it really can’t get worse than the last!

And what better way to capture it than a facebook status I saw!

new year wishes

Dear 2012- thanks for all the lessons, the joys, the downs, the hope, the darkness and the memories- good & bad, but it seems, we were at an impasse and not going anywhere so here’s to us parting ways. I am sorry I met another year- it’s called 2013 and it promises to be full of promise, optimism, results and achievements!

dance, love, sing, live

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It’s all about the giving.

Generosity

I have often been told true generosity is in giving and I agree, it is in giving without expecting anything back.

I also think love is somewhat like that- even through the angry moments, even through the fights, you actually reach out and care- sometimes even without the other one realising… and to a great extent, it is about that sense of security that comes with it… ‘cos that sense of security is just beautiful!

True love

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Unlucky in cards, lucky in love…

Myth or reality… time will tell. Tolkien and I have been flirting but a few dates in, it’s way too soon to call it love- so far, it’s a laugh but will it ever be more, who knows- we do have a few others on the scene, not that any of them are serious or hold my interest!

So…. dare I believe this?! I have been plagued by this for a very long time- the weird thing is I knew I would lose the money this year before I played a hand, before I saw my cards, before I made a move- what is it all about?!

Oh I am confused!!

Maybe the gamble is life itself… only time shall tell what is going on in my head!

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Some interesting introspective lessons!

Today was a moment of realisation sort of a day for me:

1. Chivalry is not dead- I was in a diplomatic office today and as a lady, got a seat offered to and help from another gentleman. Neither asked for number or anything else- they did it out of respect and out of consideration for the fair sex.

2. My life is a lot more in movies, than not- Cocktail (the Hindi one) came close in some instances. It made me realise I still have no clue how to show my true self to the world- I still come across confident and authoritative, no matter how soft I may be inside. And it made me realise people are not to be trusted as much as I would have liked to believe.

3. Maybe it is time for new friends- I love my current ones but tonight, I holed myself up and cried. Cried tears while chatting to a fourteen year old ‘cos I didn’t know who else to talk to- this 14 yo is dead and immatue- I am caught in  my own whirlwind of emotions and feel I cannot turn to anyone. I also realised the anger I feel towards certain people in my life- in their throwaway comments, in their selfish focus, in their insecurities and in their constant need to tell me “I look great/ I did something great etc”- a true friend would break down that barrier and make me spill my gut out- warts and all.

4. In attempts to follow my dreams, I have practically given away 3 apartments in India or 1 nice 2 bed apartment in city centre Dublin- given away, in full, no  mortgage, no nothing- practically handed it on silver platter to the world and all its glory- with NO clue where or how I am going to make it all back again.

5. I am scared. I am excited but I am scared- I just need to take the jump- this time, I canNOT back out- I need to leap, I have come too far and I need to do it alone. I have a very exciting journey- extremely challenging, unpredictable and scary (yup, repetitive, I know) but I am scared.

6. I am beginning to wonder about my capacity to love- I never had any trouble finding a man, keeping him charmed, getting him under a spell to marry me or declare undying love. For the last 4 years since I returned my ring, I have had little luck- I have met some amazing people, I have shared laughs with many, kissed a few, been intimate wit fewer still but not one has managed to keep me interested and not once have I tried to charm anyone. Is it cos I feel I am going to be on my own forever? Is it cos I have grown up and don’t play ANY games at all (even one of being a charming lady)? Is it that I have no faith in the fairytale notion?

7. I am keeping up with the Joneses- not materialistically, not physically, not emotionally but outwardly- to all, I am a rock, I am confident, I am a success whereas inside I am tired, cynical, as much in need of some support as anyone else.

8. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am tired. I need TLC. I need rest. I need pampering. I need love. I need a dream in my head that I cannot articulate and I just, miraculously, want it to appear.

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And this is why we make those BIG changes!

have I questioned myself before making the change? Yes!
have I reprimanded myself for taking the unknown path? Yes!
have I regretted making the decisions I have made? No!
has it been worth it? Finally, when it all seems to falling into place, Yes!

Career and all- falling into place, check
Lovelife- falling into place, nope- broke up again last week
Travel- going everywhere, not quite
Everything else- getting there

All in all, doing pretty well- the changes were well worth it so you know what, go embrace that decision, scary and all as it is, ‘cos you only live once!

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Just sharing, nuthin else ;)

So simple, so profound, so beautiful!

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Dear World, Please Smile More

Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was just in a grumpy mood all day long. In the evening, I went for a meditation session and still came out feeling like sh!te. I couldn’t figure out why. Through it all, I still had a smile on my face.

I went into town for coffee with NLP and realised, very few people were smiling- whether they were alone or with people- and it made me feel even worse.
I still couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way and then while chatting to NLP, I realised- today is the day. It is the day when I started maturing up in a sense that one can’t explain. It is the day I realised that the first cut is the deepest. It is the day I lost my best friend and my partner.

Weird, my body always knows, and my subconscious always knows but I always forget. Sigh.

Dear world, please smile- life is too short not to.

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Falling in love, a la Joy!

This article re behaving as if you are in love is an interesting read and got me thinking about my own self… I realised maybe this is why I believe in the idea of eloping- if we have made the decision, made the commitment, then it is a lot easier to just focus on making it work. Passion is important but dedication is what really makes it last.

Funny that some of these things also came up in conversation with NLP today and I admitted the following to him too:

– I tend to really only get anxious about men I really like
– I am either 0 or 100 about a relationship- I don’t focus on playing the game and I am as intense about it from the start as I will be till the dying day (relationship death, that is)
– If I have made a decision, I will make it work
– I always get more offers when I have someone on the scene
– Love is mental, controlled and mathematical
– Emotion can be broken down into maths eventually
– It is hugely a matter of right place and right time

Am I a heartless b!tch so?!

I also realised I truly want a relationship where both people are constantly pushing each other. And so now the challenge is to find a guy who is so awesome that we both inspire each other to be constantly better, support one another, push each other positively and who will run away with me in that moment of madness….

No matter how pragmatic an approach I take, I still let my heart rule my head!

Did I just contradict myself?! I think I did… primarily ‘cos I think I might be interested in NLP knowing full well he has no interest in me at all, despite he kinda describes me as his perfect woman (except the fact I am not as tall as his usual type!)

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Green is my new Red

For those who know me, I have (for the longest period of my life) been synonymous with red- red shoes, red clothes, red bags, red lipstick, red, red, red- my wardrobe is practically ALL red- but over the past 12 months or so, I haven’t bought too many new red items- maybe a bathrobe, a pair of runners but that’s pretty much it.

What surprised me is when I was in India this time, looking at everything in the shops- there were some beautiful red prints- they looked fantastic, the cuts, the colours but I just didn’t want any of them for me. I mean, my mother thought I was unwell (she hadn’t taken me seriously when I had said it to her earlier that day- Geez, mothers!)

I think one of the primary reasons was I realised my personality is fairly strong and outspoken, the red only accentuated the alphaness and kinda took away from the lady I can be- demure, sophisticated. And I think, it’s just everywhere- earlier, it was a symbol of confidence but when everyone starts using it, it’s no fun- to redefine myself now!

(and we all know I am not short of courage and kinda like to stand out!)

Instead, I am constantly in awe of yellows, oranges, greens, mustards these days- is it called maturing up, do you think?! Or are those the new colours that make me happy? 😉

And talking of happiness and the post I wrote earlier today, this is pretty darn good advice!

Go on, people, dance in the rain, laugh with friends, play with babies, kiss the one you love, splash in a pool with a dog, travel an unexplored road, do whatever it is that makes you happy!

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Happy happy people!

Apparently there are 15 things happy people do differently:

I know I am an eternal optimist, even if currently, my foundation has been slightly shaken, and so I am can’t help but evaluate each one of these- ‘cos after all, I like to believe, I am one of the happiest people around (at least in my own bubble ;))

1. I definitely have a lot of fear in me- the fear of so many things- the fear of letting my mother down, the fear of not achieving certain things I want to achieve, the fear of hurting people I care about yet I have a lot of love for the people around me- almost everything I do is motivated by love
2. I have learnt to not worry about things I can’t change and I suppose, in my own way, I define this as acceptance
3. I can forgive easy peasy- but I rarely forget and I know this is a huge thing but so far, I haven’t succeeded 😦 Someday I hope to learn
4. I trust those I really trust and once I trust, I am an open book unless I find reasons to not trust- the levels of trust may vary based on other circumstances too but for the most part, I only trust a very small circle of people- I believe in self preservation- I am not sure I have the energy and strength to go through the pain of being back stabbed ever again in my life
5. I am very ambitious- to me, my ambition is driven by the meaning it brings to my life so in this instance I am not sure of the difference between these two- to me, they are almost the same thing
6. I usually praise more than I criticise. I also realise I expect of others the same levels I expect of me- not a good thing, ‘cos I am setting myself up for failure- no one else. I need to stop finding the small things that bug me and truly enjoy the small things that make me smile- like a hug from my niece Anarkalli
7. I love challenges, I thrive on them- my current challenge is dealing with all the challenges that I am facing together
8. I am definitely not the most selfless person around but then I can’t think of anyone who is completely selfless- everything is driven by some sense of want or need and doesn’t that inherently mean some level of selfishness?
9. Despite my meagre income currently, I am abundantly surrounded by the love, laughter, friends that I really need- if my trip to India was anything to go by, I have learnt even more how lucky I truly am
10. Who defines our reality?! This is a discussion Roark and I seem to be having on a very regular basis these days as we both try to define our reality as a potential couple but yeah, in the meantime let’s keep dreaming
11. I believe I am considerate and this is my way of showing kindness- I may not give the homeless food but I like to believe I always have a nice word for the people I come across
12. I am very grateful for a lot of the things I have in my life- even if I do take some things for granted every so often! Thank you dear universe, once again, for all that I have- especially, my health- the past few scares have been well, very scary
13. I don’t always succeed in this instance- I often go too many steps forward in my own head, I go off tangents, I analyse the past, I think of all the potentials in the future and yeah, often I do enjoy the moment but at the moment, I am truly failing at this one
14. I am an optimist- no doubt here!
15. I do tend to blame (more often something within my myself than not) but still there is room for improvement here

Wow- if I make the changes I obviously can, I wonder how I will handle all this happiness! Hopefully, I will manage to improve on my weaknesses and spread more happiness, smiles and laughs in the world…

And I personally think, happier people hug more- they like hugs, they like showing the people around them they care and after all, hugs are therapeutic!
Here is another article re 15 things to give up to be happy– not sure I completely agree on all of them either but that’s for another day!

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I believe in love

I believe I will find love and when I am ready for it- mentally I so am not.

While I have been sick, while I have been trying to figure out things in my life, while I have been focussing on everything else around me, I have realised the importance of love- not so much marriage but the commitment, the love of having someone to share a laugh with, the love of having someone to hug, the love of being there for someone, just love.

I am so not keen to be taken for granted, I am not so keen to get into a steady rhythm of the usualness, I am not so keen to go down the route TL and I went, I am not so keen to be as mismatched as SL and I were, I am not so keen to as naive as FL and I were.

After all love is a beautiful thing and I believe in it.

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Word!

The power of words is something else! 🙂

A friend of mine shared some amazing words with me earlier today: Do what you love everyday!

Absolutely amazing words of wisdom, for sure- and beautifully bound on red- does it get better?! Another friend shared this image with me and it’s a pretty good reminder to preach what we teach!

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If tomorrow doesn’t go the way I want it to…

For some morbid reason, against all will, I am lying in bed and wondering what would happen if tomorrow doesn’t go my way…

And you know my main regrets are: I haven’t hugged my mother in almost 9 months, haven’t spoken to any of my brothers in months (and potentially wouldn’t for a while), I never did manage a holiday with my baby sister- just us two, some cocktails, some fun, lots of chats, tonnes of laughs, innumerable memories and I have not been totally honest about everything to one of the most important people of my life (never lied either but still…)

And you know what my happiest thoughts are: I am glad I never got married, glad I have experienced love and passion, glad I traveled as much as I did, ate all the good food I did, drank all the champagne and not-champagne alcohol, wrote for an Indian daily, took photographs for the Vogue, started companies, sold companies, got taken for a ride, knew my biological father, had the choice of choosing my “step”father(s), moved to Ireland, left the previous role when I did in December, moved back to Dublin (twice) and mostly for the family I grew up with and family I created in my circle of friends.

I know I am totally over-reacting. I know things are not this bad but you know what, sometimes imagining the absolute worst makes the reality a lot easier to deal with.

I am especially happy for the TRUE friends I have discovered- these are my pillars- and yes, I know Ryan & Winnie are who they are and I call ‘everyone’ my “best friend” but the truth really is- I am genuinely lucky to have an amazingly brilliant circle!

On this positive note, I am going to go to bed- hopefully, still with the smile. And here’s hoping, when I wake up tomorrow, the smile is bigger and wider and less nervous of what lies ahead.

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“One Day”

"I love you so much but I really dislike the person you are 
at the moment"
 "She made you decent and in return, you made her so happy"
 "She was my best friend"

There were just moments in the film that made me think can a man and a woman just be friends, ever?

What is weird though is that it took them 14 years to get together- seriously, at that stage, is it truly love or just companionship? Or is it the latter that one looks for… I mean, I certainly don’t expect “the spark” to last forever and be the only thing- the laughs, the conversations, the discussions are equally important but as we grow older, is it cynicism, is it maturity, is it (yet again) companionship that makes us choose a friend?

I presume, these being questions that have been in the universe forever that answers are going to be few and varied and as such, this shall remain rhetorical.

*Spoiler Alert* Don’t watch the film if you want a romantic ending ‘cos even though it ends on a happy note, the girl dies. What’s the point of making a film where there is no happily ever after?! There is enough tragedy in the real world, at least let the fantasy world be all happy go lucky!

And on a different note- what a coincidence, TSG and I were discussing this film last weekend without realising this was the film ‘cos I hadn’t seen it and he couldn’t remember the name. And if there was ever a relationship that should have been based on the conversations, laughs and spark, that was it but it wasn’t meant to be and today, he is slowly creeping into “my favourite people in the world” list so there, go figure!

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