Tag Archives: Contentment

Encased

There are moments… when out of the blue… I feel so warm, cosy and fuzzy. It is not because someone wrapped me in a blanket or because someone did something for me but it is a sense of security in knowing you are surrounded by a massive amount of love and there’s nothing that can penetrate that amazing layer.

I am in a genuinely enviable position to be with a man who doesn’t have me on a pedestal and he ain’t on one either (unless it is to change a frigging bulb) but a man who recognises me as an equal, who respects me for who I am, who does little things to make me smile and big things to get a rise out of me, who may not always understand my point of view but always empathises with me, a man who truly wants to look after me knowing full well that that is exactly what I want to do for him.

I haven’t seen him in a few days. When I am sick and tired as I am, it feels like a lifetime. Yet, I go to bed knowing I am a very lucky lady to have my friends, my family and Red.

I hope you feel as secure, content and loved and know the feeling I am trying to capture in words. Good night x

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Boo yeah!

You know the crash after the high??
It’s usually horrible.
But what if it never comes? What if one has genuinely figured a way to just stay at an even keel that even the crash may cause you to be tired but you still feel a sense of calm and contentment?
I have reached that space- mental or whatever, I have. I dunno what this is called, I have no clue how I got here and scarily, I have no clue how to maintain this!!!!!!!

For now, I am gonna enjoy this feeling of pure satisfaction.

F*ck me, I love my life.

change perspective

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Happy Mondays!

Today, I got the news a friend of mine who I suspect I would have been close in different circumstances got engaged. Now, I must admit, I find her partner dull and a bitta cardboard for my style but it works for them and he has been amazing for her- calming her down, giving her support when she needed and just being an all round sound guy.

In the last 4 weeks, at least 10 couples I know personally have gotten engaged and about 5 couples eloped- this just got me wondering:

a. Am I at that age where the second phase of weddings have started?
b. Is it really such a cliched seasonal thing?
c. Am I just more aware of it now myself?!

If it’s ‘a’, I feel a lot older all of a sudden, ‘b’ then so be it and ‘c’, then I am worried, very worried for myself- when did I become that sort of a girl who notices engagements and weddings?!

<20 mins later>

When I dig deeper into this, I realise I have become more aware. The awareness itself doesn’t stem from envy or jealousy but from a place of contentment and a place of knowing who I genuinely want to care for.

– the contentment comes from knowing I am happy- yes, being with Red is part of it but I like to believe I would be happy irrespective and that I have in the last 18 odd months figured out more about myself, more about where I want to go and more about where I come from within

– the caring comes from having been vulnerable to others too many times, knowing I am choosing my friends now and knowing who matters to me means that when something important happens to them, I am delighted and therefore, more aware. Yes, the numbers above do include people I wouldn’t really count as my close friends but it is nice to know of the big events of their life!

So there, happy Monday or what- that’s one way to beat the blues, eh?! Cosy up, snuggle up and enjoy the love in your lives- be it a dog, a friend or most importantly, just yourself xxx

Love = miracles

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Oct 28, Tuesday: Beautiful Moment

And I am back!! Miss me? 😉

So… with the day that it is- cold, miserable and wet, I am craving a bit of duveting with hot chocolates and soups! Alas, not to be.

I have a crazy busy day of getting myself fixed up for a very important meeting- preparing, reading, makeuping, hairstyling and things that take me ages but make for the right impact… I am transported back to the days of pure relaxation and today, I am transported back to the moment with Winnie, sitting in a beach, water lapping up against us, not a soul in sight, perfect weather and high on the surroundings and life- I am reliving the moment and re-enjoying the absolute joy of travel, contentment and being in the presence.

Take a moment and go back to your very own moment of pure bliss- it makes up for the slight dip in your day! Have a happy Tuesday xx

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Winds of Change

I feel the winds of change blowing- don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how. I don’t know the details but…

I feel a shift- a shift towards a more peaceful me
I feel a calmness- a calm that is not pre storm but the calm of positivity
I feel an excitement- an excitement of what is coming
I feel content- content knowing I have done my best and the future is exciting as can be

I am impatient, I am like a kid waiting for their birthday presents, I want the changes, I want to feel the wind and I am really really really looking forward to it!

serenity

Did I say really?! 😉 I truly, really AM! Woohoo!

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Satisfaction & Contentment

I met a mate for lunch today- and she was ranting about certain people we know. I had my own rant at her and realised I am VERY wise 😉(if i may so myself hehehe)

We were talking about a certain friend of ours who puts EVERYTHING on her facebook and posts pictures of her losing weight, of her new jewellery etc and whatever else. She makes it sound like she has the most amazing life but none of us believe it and in fact the two of us think she is depressed and exceptionally unhappy with her life. She is married to a wimp and she has a beautiful daughter, a decent job but seems to think she knows it all, has it all and in reality, can’t figure out where she went wrong.

I think it’s actually a very easy issue- most people are living in the world of SHOULD, the world the society has told them is what they need and so they expect that happiness, that satisfaction, that contentment when they hit the goals the society has said they should but because they never really decided they wanted it for themselves, they are still seeking that feeling of “I have done it”, “I have achieved it”, “I have made it”, “I did it” but they cannot get it till they set themselves a goal because they want to achieve something.And even more importantly- achievement is NOT monetary but just a feeling of having reached a certain goalpost.

For example, today I booked Cuba- yup, deposit paid, flights booked, cannot cancel, and only informed the boss now- so fingers crossed that will not be a problem! And I am frigging ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!!!!! OMG- I am SO effing excited!

July, I cannot wait to meet you! Come quick. Just having booked the holiday makes me feel as if I am in a bath as beautiful as this pic:

Beautiful bath

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Dreams for 2012

I have been meaning to write down all I want to achieve this year: here are some images!

1. The BIGGEST decision of my life potentially but one that makes me excited, tingly and happy 🙂

2. I know I look good but there is something about feeling good- inside and out. I have ignored yoga and my body for ages but this year, I want it to change. It is not just about turning heads when I walk in about doing a double-take everytime I catch a glimpse of me in the mirror! Too vain, perhaps but it’s what I want for me.

3. My blog name says it, my very ethos is about it and I really miss it. I cannot wait to go on a new adventure. I am hoping I don’t have too long a wait.

4. What’s the point of owning a beautiful car like mine if I don’t take it for an adventure- bring on summer, hood down, foot on accelerator and just a weekend of giggles, photography, chats, fun- boyfriend optional 😉 Well, to make it that bit more special, it would be nice to go with him!

5. Goes back to #1. When I start earning, I can start saving. It’s a vicious circle.

6. With the changes coming my way, with the roller-coaster I have been through in the past few months, with the decisions I have made in the past few years, I have forgotten myself- my values have remained, I have adapted but I have not always been honest to myself- this year, I find myself again.

Honestly, I am not even sure what this means but it sounds AWESOME and so I am somehow gonna define it this year for myself and make it happen!

And when I find myself, define magic for myself, I can be who I want to be- again. It is time to reinvent myself.

7. Have fun, live life, be happy

So what if this is my last moment on earth- as I have said, I would rather die doing something fun and memorable than sick and bored…

Part of finding myself is to accept myself too!

This means finding a different type of strength, maybe not so unladylike though:

AND confidence- the confidence to be me!

And now that I have begun the process of finding inner peace, I hope to always

8. While finding my new strengths, I shouldn’t forget the old ones in my life:

I am SO SO SO SO SO lucky to have the people I have in my life- thank you! If I am cranky, if I am tired, if I am insufferable over the next while- forgive me and keep giving me the strength!

And why wait to find a mistletoe… 😉

A hard call- I do know this is always tough to judge and very intangible but I really hope to achieve it the best I can:

9. Something small, something materialistic and something that makes me smile: I am going to own my own Loubotins by the end of 2012!

10. A full bar to me symbolises friends coming in, good times, the ability to afford the finer things and a sign of laughs and memories that have been shared and that will be created 🙂

And no point of drink, without some food, esp exotic food- nom nom nom!

11. I also want to read more, write more, see more plays, have more laughs, explore more and just let the year be the year of awesome!

2012: the year of living, the year of dreams and the year of living my dreams! 🙂

So…

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When I am dying…

This article on the most common things people think of while dying got me thinking about what I would like to say when I am on my deathbed:

– I achieved everything I really wanted to: In fairness, when I was 25, I said that one a call to my mother from Antarctica and recall saying “if I die now, I will die knowing I achieved what I was put on earth for”

– I am glad I worked so hard- it gave me a sense of fulfilment and allowed me to explore areas & boundaries I may not always have managed. However, I would like to be able to add: “I managed to strike a balance so I could also make time for all the things that I wanted to- time for myself, my friends, my family, my hobbies, my interests and the things that I wanted to achieve by working as hard I did”

– I was honest about my feelings- Yes, I know I keep some a secret and I perhaps always will- I don’t think anyone will ever know how deeply I truly felt about FL, or how much I actually detest the guy who took my innocence away, or how hurt I was when my father walked away or so many other instances but when it affects someone else or someone can do something about it, I usually do share what’s on my mind- good, bad and the ugly!

– I always made time for what was important to me- my friends, my family- see #2. I was wholesome- whatever I did, I gave it my all- be it hanging out with friends, nurturing my family, looking after my adults etc etc etc

– I stopped doing anything that made me unhappy- I quit a job I was brilliant at, I broke a perfectly good relationship (actually 2 of them- SL and TL), I walked away from a company I totally love (Well, about to), I stopped meeting friends I didn’t want to be with and so many other example

So far, I have traversed the roads that I have and amde the decisions I have made for my happiness which allow me to keep most of the regrets people have away from my life- here’s hoping I succeed. I want to be remembered for my smile, my optimism, my zest for life, my need to always do something different and my ability to always and always be wholesome & honest.

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Filed under Family, Friends, Management, Ramblings

6 in 6 days!

This is a NEW record for me- I have always been head-hunted, I have always had opportunities come my way but in the last 6 working days, I have had 6 job offers!

Almost all of them have been very enticing, very exciting, very tempting. I have been thinking about it alot and decided to try and identify what is it that I love so much about what’s on offer and what I have so here goes:

On Offer:

  • An opportunity to make my own team- in most cases, I will have 1 or 2 old people but need to bring in other talent as I deem fit
  • Money- not just the money but the expense account, the options to spend and get the lifestyle I need
  • Travel- all offer me an expat package of X trips to India (and the ones not in Ireland are even willing to thrown in a trip to Ireland annually!!!!!)
  • Intelligence- the roles are tough but the people I will be with will have intelligence
  • Assistant- I need one. Simple as. No doubts.
  • Structures- I usually dislike these but I do see the need to have certain structures, reviews, documents etc to udnerstand what’s happening
  • Not living in the Urgent land- The idea of pre-planning is something I embrace
  • Company- I am not a lone wolf
  • Support- Interesting networking opportunities, interesting people to meet etc
  • Did I mention BRAINS? And I don’t mean the ones zombies look for!
  • Financial responsibility- not budgets etc but when who gets paid etc- the actual process

What I love here:

  • Freedom- I come and go as I please. This does me feel guilty and I track to do about 80 hours of work a week- double of what I am technically supposed to
  • Opportunity- there is so much growth possible, there are so many things we can do but we need to plan and get the right team together and I am finding it tough to do that- when the coach you have hired doesn’t think one has the right team, you know you are in trouble
  • Responsibility- I have an awesome scope- I can do what I want, the lack of some structure (for lack of better word) upsets me to some extent but the rest is pretty darn awesome
  • Living my dream- I can actually see the dream life in my head unfold if certain things go as I imagine they should/ will
  • Emotional attachment- this is MY baby- Ryan may have done the initial hardwork and all- he carried the baby for the gestation period but when it was time to change the nappies, wake up to feed it and do all the dirty work, I was in there with the sleeves rolled up. He may not admit it, but I had a huge part of the decision and achievements wracked up by this organisaton even before I came in full-time. Just when the baby is beginning to start walking, it would be wrong of me to not be there to make sure the gates are closed, the stairs padded yet show the baby the path it needs to go down ‘cos watch out world, we are gonna rule the roost and beyond!
  • Pride- No one and I mean no one else can do what I am doing in the organisation- not someone new, not Ryan, not any of the current team, no one- a lot of factors work towards this realisation. Not saying I am not replaceable- just as easily can be but no one can else get the organisation to perform the way I can, partly cos of the visions I have and the way Ryan and I think and are linked.

However, it’s weird when I was writing the good, a lot of the negative points came up too and I feel, I just do, I need to pen it down:

  • I am unhappy- unhappy not ‘cos I am doing something I don’t want to but ‘cos I care and I am doing something I want yet I have a sh!t team- I change any words I might have said in the past- wipe them all out and let’s start afresh. The organisation has grown, they have been asked to grow and they are not growing the way they need to- I am beginning to wonder if they have the capacity to?!
  • I have NO support- as a friend or as a colleague- if I open my mouth- I am apparently being too chatty, being too whingy, being too sulky or being too judgemental- f*ck you all. And this article helps me realise even more that I am not going completely insane.
  • Almost every time I have an idea, it’s dismissed and then fed back to me a few days later- sometimes I feel its a power play but most of the time, I think it takes that long for him to assimilate the idea and by the time he does, he forgets where it came from and then wonders why I have no original thoughts
  • I feel guilty if I am not working every single moment
  • I can’t afford the life I want- I came here for 3 months and am still here 13 months later and have nothing to show for it
  • I can’t implement the changes I want, I can’t base the office in a place that makes sense (tacit knowledge/ hub/ proximity/ safety), I can’t make decisions
  • I don’t have certain powers I want- I will always remain ready to fly till I have that security and till I know I have it cos I have earned it- Crystal, Ryan, Spartacus telling me they will look after me no matter what is not the security I can live with
  • I HATE, HATE, HATE the official title I have- it’s missing the most important aspect about my role- the aspect I love and the very aspect I do least of
  • I really dislike not being a team in the office and the lack of communication we have- telepathy has it’s limitations
  • I don’t like the fact that Ryan’s loyalty doesn’t allow me to hold people as accountable as I would like
  • I don’t like that Ryan feels he is above everything and be excluded form procedures
  • I don’t like the fact that I seem to be constantly picking up Ryan’s sh!t and he doesn’t realise that- how long does toilet training really take?!
  • Lack of intelligence- I am tired of talking to myself, I crave human interaction.
  • Lack of meeting new people- I get ideas, perspectives, thoughts from interactions and not from reading or lectures- at the end of the day, a coffee is so much more fruitful
  • I feel I am constantly banging my head against a wall
  • I know I am constantly banging my head against a wall
  • My ‘team’ can’t perform and I am constantly doing things to make their targets achievable without anyone else knowing to project them in a good light but how long can I run myself this thin?

Sorry about this peeps, what started off as a WOW moment ended up as a rant- if I told my mother today that she may have an unemployed daughter on her hands today, things must be bad.

I wrote Ryan a card asking for time and undivided attention and then I chickened and removed it ‘cos of the day he has had- see, I protect him constantly- the best friend, the mate, the love in me can’t hurt him even for his own good yet a part of me is hurting and crying for attention- sitting in the same room for 2 hours with 5 mins of chatting helped me feel it’s all ok even if it’s a false sense of security- at the end of the day, I want simple things and happiness and contentment- I want my dreams to come true, I want to have the relationship I deserve, I want to lead the organisation to heights it deserves to go to, I want to support my mother in a lifestyle she deserves, I want to look after my aunts and uncles, I want to be able to go on the holidays I need to just survive- I am considering a sun day for Gawd’s sake, I want to be able to buy a magazine without wondering if I can afford it if that’s what I choose to do, I want to laugh, I want to smile, I want to be the person I always imagined I will be, I want to be able to buy the €1000 pair of shoes I am drooling over ‘cos I will appreciate them and want them, I want to be able to get the handbag I actually need and not settle for something sub-par cos it’s in my budget, I want the house I planned years ago.

I don’t have high expectations of me, do I? 😉

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Loving myself.

You know, the other day I came across an interesting blogpost written by a friend of another fellow Indo-Irish. My friend thinks this lady is quite something- and that’s saying something since she hasn’t seen Denise in almost a decade.

This same friend introduced me to a beautiful Indian actress– well, not literally, even though apparently she does know her but she downplays it so I really don’t know but, I was introduced to her in a movie called Monsoon Wedding. Today, I saw her support another real cool Indian actress who has a certain panache in yet another movie that seems to capture my life- Turning 30.

Things over the past few days have made me question a few aspects of my own life:

  • Why do I feel I have entitled to get upset about Ryan’s women? Well, simple- I care about him, I care about him not as business partner, not as a colleague, not as a housemate but mostly as a friend- a best friend who always hated (and still does hate) seeing people waste their potential. I have always found this to be the biggest issue with anyone and the fact that my own best friends, one of those people who I have on a pedestal because they are such amazingly, awesome people and when they completely waste this awesomeness, I feel sad. And so, yes, when Ryan manages to sniff out yet another manipulative b!tch (he has a knack, trust me on it), it upsets me, not just because of the fact he is wasting his potential and time but because of who he becomes around them.
  • Tigger is happily in love and it makes me really happy. She is a tough cookie but like me, she has a very soft interior. And like me, she is high maintenance but the thing is we are high maintenance on ourselves- we have high standards, yes but we maintain our needs ourselves- it’s not like we need loves to complete us, we need it to further enrich our brilliant lives.
  • Spartacus, Crystal and Winnie are busy leading the busiest lives but they are so happy and excited about everything that it is very infectious and I love it that they are satisfied.
  • My moment of realising some home-truths about me- I have VERY high standards and I am my own worst critic so even though this is my year, I am still notfulfiling my own emotional needs and so I have decided:
    • I am going to pamper myself more- going to a spa for a 3 hour long session tomorrow- to be repeated as and when my soul needs it
    • I am not going to eat better- not always healthier and not always a diet of chocolate but what works (moderately) for my soul
    • I am going to meditate more often- because when I do meditate, I feel better and when I feel better, my soul feels better

So basically, the year about me is becoming a little clearer- it is as Denise said, about self love. I live in a fantastic house, I drive a fabulous car (I am in love with her, did I mention), I work in a great organisation, I have the most amazing friends to surround me, I am a part of a bl**dy brilliant family and I am not having any moments that make me want to change my life- all in all, it is pretty brilliant but there is a part of me that’s feeling unfulfilled- that keeps going back to the past- to my parents, to that b@stard who called himself my teacher, to the things that for some reason that hold me back. I need to get back that feeling of contentment that is my mojo.

I know there is a future, I know things are going to work out the way I want, I mean I have managed 2 of my 3 goals I discussed with Dr. F 7 years ago! I also know it’s the final one that will actually make things a lot better but I also know I have to bide my time and wait for it to come.

Such drama- maybe a publisher will come to me as they did to Gul Panag and ask me to write a book too- after all, I am almost 30!

Things have changed for me, the past few years have been tumultous, I have been trying to deal with my broken relationships, with juggling many men at the same time, with putting on a smile on my face when I don’t want to. Maybe it is time for me to start over because risky as it is, it also is exciting- it allows for a new beginning.

Time to go shopping so? 😉 maybe my soul needs it hehhe- oooh, I can see me using my soul’s needs for SO many things because after all, 2011 is the year about me and my soul.

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