Tag Archives: Stress

Dreams!

Today I got a tarot card that said some beautiful words:

And followed soon after, I saw this pic on a site…

Additionally, I am feeling nervous, excited and stressed due to a meeting I have tomorrow which has suddenly changed format and it could make my dreams come true, sooner than I expected. If this is a sign, it’s a pretty optimistic one- fingers crossed!

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Filed under Management, My Day

Cold…

Sniff, cough, sneeze, sniff, sniff, cough- that’s what I sound like these days!

So today, I went investigating what causes so much phlegm in my system and there are a lot of different reasons, primarily the sign of bacteria and infection being in my system- I could have told you that :/

Interestingly, different colours of phlegm mean different things- my doctor even went as far as suggesting the colour of mine could signify “cystic fibrosis”- yeah whatever, I may have a lot of things but that is SO not a condition I have- I have absolutely no other symptoms and this is the first time this has been thrown up! Seriously, Irish medical association needs to pull itself together.

However, apparently the psychological reason is “Too much going on at once“- SOOOO true! Now this makes so much more sense to me. I am trying to get my life into a simple pattern and struggling big time- here’s hoping little will be going on at once and I can focus only on the things I need to focus on!

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Whoaaaa

I know I am tender and fragile but I didn’t realise how much till I just burst into tears tonight. I feel SO alone right now, it’s not funny.

I feel like a tree without any roots, a punching bag without any ceiling to hang from, a rock in an ocean with no sand to anchor on. I feel alone and desolate. I feel there is no one out there to just hold me and remind me things will get better.

Everything around me seems to be falling. Yes, my midas touch is working away but I also know it isn’t as effective as it can be and I suppose that’s irritating me.

I take pride in whatever I do, I am confident about myself and what the world holds in store for me but I wish I was happy- right now, there is a gap I can’t seem to figure out 😦

I also wonder how much of what I am feeling is because of the way I feel unappreciated and taken for granted, unintentionally- it all comes down to lack of communication but sure, one can’t force a conversation!

Another part of me wonders how much is it because we both are trying to find partners for ourselves and looking for someone who loves us more than we love each other. I need someone who understands the importance of Ryan in my life and loves me for who I am- and yes, I expect my partner to love me more than Ryan does and I expect him to be my support more than Ryan is. Similarly, I expect the same of Ryan’s partner. Yet I know this is a bug ask- obviously it will take time for someone to get to those levels but let’s be honest, one can judge potential pretty darn quickly!

All in all, I know my life is falling apart everywhere- I have no idea where I am going, I have no clue what’s happening with me, I am earning less than ever, I am worth less than ever, I have more responsibilities more than ever, I have more needs more than ever and so, yes, I am scared. I am scared sh!tless and I have no idea how to even start dealing with it.

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Filed under Family, Friends, Management, My Day

This is where the magic happens!

You know when people talk about magic, think about magic or dream about magic, it’s almost always a happy feeling and something, pun intended, magical. Something beautiful, somewhat whimsical, somewhat romantic, something that brings a smile to your face and leaves you wondering and more often than not, wanting.

Stepping out of my comfort zone was the place for the magic to happen and despite everything, it is happening. Yes, I am peeved off as can be, stressed as can be, cranky as can be, yet I know, as does Ryan, we are changing worlds and we will be the I team again, somehow, someday.

The magic I am wielding, feeling, living is darker than you expect it to be, it has not lived up to the ideals I had in my head. It’s not as dream-like and nowhere as whimsical as I had imagined in my head. Perhaps, the first 4 months were so good that it was easier to deal with but as time goes by, I realise I am out of my comfort zone EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

Every day I am walking on egg shells, around my team, around my staff, around my best friends so I don’t upset them and so this feeling of doom and fragility in me is not being expressed outwardly! Everyday I am facing a new problem and have lesser support than the day before. I know being on top is lonely but in the past, I have had my friends and family- now I have no friends or family closeby. For those at the other side of the phone, thank you, thank you, thank you. But sometimes, you need someone to sit you down and just make you a cup of tea, talk to you, make you laugh and give you a hug. And in this period, when I am getting absolutely no laughs, when all I am getting in negativity from every angle and absolutely no one is there by my side, I am beginning to flay.

I am tired. I am shattered. I am feeling the magic but slowly, being out of my comfort zone is becoming my comfort zone and a zone I am not happy about 😦

I can’t wait for the apprenticeship of this magic to get over so I can truly enjoy what the REAL MAGIC is- right now, it’s just an illusion and a far off one that I am finding difficult to believe in.

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And then I discovered levels!

No, I am not talking of levels in Angry Birds, Bejeweled or any games, I mean in stress! I thought it was a case of black and white for so long that only after this weekend do I realise how wrong I truly was!

My day on my own was one of the best things EVER (like, evah!!!!)- the idea of being with myself, finding myself, re-connecting with myself is all just awesome! It was so nice to be decadent for a day and just be me, have a good time and really just focus on nothing but relaxing. And what a place to do it too. The place is built to allow one to unwind and relax- the best bit is there are NO kids allowed on the estate so no howling or crying, their relaxations rooms are amazing and I have gotten so many ideas for my dream house now, it ain’t even funny!

I understood so much about not just me but people in my life by being away too- sometimes it was their reactions that made me realise a bit more about them- for example, Snoopy completed overstepped the mark as an irritating friend by texting me as a customer, Ryan couldn’t fathom the concept, Tigger/ Winnie/ Candy/ Mrs F/ Curly- all supported me so much and pushed me to do this that I am absolutely over the moon to have such friends who understand me and care for my health.

The time to think cleared away cobwebs, it made me focus on what is making me unhappy and what I can do to deal with the current situation till I move back to the land of the living, it made me realise why I am losing respect for Ryan constantly, it made me face up to certain aspects I have been hiding from myself, it made me  plan out steps I need to make to be more the person I want to be, it made me realise the different levels of stress.

On Friday, I unwound a little, the massage put me to sleep and gave me pain due to the amount of pressure they had to use to undo my knots and get rid of the toxins in me! On Saturday, I unwound even more and by the time Sunday came about, I was much better- I could see the difference on my face, in  my skin, in my spirit but I also realised that there is still a huge hole- I need a lot of looking after to repair myself and till I don’t get it right, I ain’t gonna be able to move forward completely in the direction I want.

I also wonder what does it mean to be relaxed?! I mean, will I ever stop worrying about something- be it the company I am working in, be it the company I sit on the board of, be it my personal finances, be it my baby brothers and sisters, be it my mother/ aunts/ uncles etc- is it an age thing? Or is relaxation knowing that worrying is no good and it allows one to find solutions?! I hope, someday- sooner rather than later, I learn about it and in the meantime, I hope to get away more often on weekends such as this ‘cos the fatigue I felt Thursday night is no way to be.

Here’s sending peace, love and harmony to the world. Be good all. Love.

PS In other news, when the evil spirit darkened my doorstep after so many days, this piece came to mind and I am so glad I could follow it- I just avoid her ‘cos of the negativity it brings up in me and that’s just SO wrong!

Wise words

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Filed under Friends, My Day

Sometimes

All one wants to do is scream and since I couldn’t do that today, I ended up crying- non-stop, uncontrollably and to be honest, I have no reason why.

I am so ashamed to even admit it ‘cos I feel it’s a weakness but well- here it is, I cried, I sat on the couch in the darkness, put my feet up and sobbed for a good 45 minutes- all dried up now.

Goodnight world- hope I wake up in a better state tomorrow.

Love.

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