So, it was just over a year ago, I moved away from Dublin to live in rural Ireland. And what a year it has been! I know for a fact country living is NOT for me- at least not yet. I can see it someday but on my terms and in the manner, I choose. This is not it. Being a “Paki in a fancy car” and standing out as a sore thumb is certainly not how I like to be!
When I moved here, I thought it would be fun, a different experience, challenging yet exciting, For the first 3 months, it was exactly that! Then, I went traveling and when I came back, something had changed- things became weirder at work, I stopped having as much fun and it changed- and all for the worse.
As I mark being a year in the current company, I take stock of all that it has been and I am beginning to wonder if I am in the right place or is it matter of not being here at the right time.
Things going in my favour:
- I enjoy what I do
- I am good at what I do- meeting the deadlines today in the office are proof of it
- I have brought experience to this organisation that few others could
- I am happy with the role I have- I would love to make a few tweaks to it but I think that will happen in the next while, it’s a matter of me being patient
- I have learnt to lower my own standards and expect lesser from others- cos few are as driven as me
- I finally got myself a car
- I know what I am truly worth and even though I know I am being paid a pittance of that, I can see it being worthwhile in the future
Things that p!ss me off:
- I live in the f*cking middle of nowhere
- I have NO friends close by- there are 2 girls I really like but I manage them and so it doesn’t count as I can’t just be the true me with them
- I am unhappy personally
- When I get into a half decent relationship, the distance completely kills it
- I am not closer to knowing if I am on the right path for my life- I am so disillusioned right now that I don’t even know where to start again
- I am away from my friends- I miss Dr F, I miss Tigger, I miss Candy, I miss Winnie, I miss Spartacus, I miss Crystal, I miss Curly, I miss Daddy Long Legs and yes, most of them are all over the world, if I had a few of them near me, it would make life so much easier
When I count all this, the negatives out number the positives and some of the negatives outweigh everything else.
How in the world am I supposed to not cry myself to sleep every other day when I am this unhappy?! Gosh, I can’t wait for the really busy period in the office to start- at least it will exhilarate me and not give me a chance to think and the end of it means moving back to the land of the living.
Today I had an argument in the office- what a way to celebrate moving here for work, eh. What upset me are so many different things that I don’t even know where to start:
- I stereotyped a group that I have done for years and slagged them- he took offense and lashed back by saying “J hates everyone” in front of another work colleague
- I was dismissed and something I wanted to say wasn’t heard- I am a effing partner here and I am treated like sh!t at times, we both need other ways to vent our frustrations
Seriously, why in the world do I feel I am caught between a rock and a hard place?! Is there an end to this in sight?
Why oh why do I after having as many friends as I do miss having a true friend in my life. Oh Winnie, I so, so, so wish you were here with me. Oh Tigger, I so wish you were here too.
How many times can a person hit rock bottom? How much can a person be tried? How much can my will be tested? What do I need to get out of this rut?!