Category Archives: Management

Your Taste is Killer

A loving reminder, keep at it, stay creative, be arty and have faith in your skills.

Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through. ― Ira Glass

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Bwahahah

Yup, been there, called the fireman, never took up the date offer though!

business cat meme

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Make me some money

So, according to my money guru- Denise Duffield Thomas (Congrats on the baby, by the way!), here’s what I need to do:

Deal with my money stuff
– I will never have enough
– I shouldn’t be seen to be rich
– I shouldn’t come across successful
– Certain people can’t handle my success

Write down what I need
– I need enough for the investment I want to make for my business (€22,000)
– I need enough for the investment I need to make in the next 3 months (€15,000. Off which €10,500 should come to me soon)
– I need enough for the investment in India (€8,000)
– I need enough to feel comfortable to make a certain move I want (€40,000)
Total: 85,000 by March 31, 2014

Acknowledge everything I make
I will acknowledge everything that comes in, including the 10,500 that is owed to me!

Take Action
– Talk to some more people about it
– Run a new ad campaign on fb
– Run a new ad campaign on twitter
– Get an investor in
– Speak to the bank
– Get PR
– Do up a new marketing plan
– Get all the debts cleared
– Start making the steps towards the dream- Steal a bank! (Kidding!!!!)
– Speak to PE
– Speak to angel investors
– Consider talking to one of Red’s mates
– Create a new board with Red’s mother
– Work on the feminine angle
– Find synergies with other companies

This is my time and I am ready for it!

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“It’s all in words”

Yeah, cheesy me just quoted the BeeGees!

The image below is so beautiful and so true

a text can change the attitude

I had mentioned to a mate I was going for a very important meeting the other day and about 5 mins before the meeting, I got a text telling me how wonderful I am and how amazing it is that he knows me. Beautiful words to buoy my confidence and further enhance my mood for the meeting… thank you, you know who, for your support. I look forward to many more scones and chats!

So go on, send someone a few kind words today- you never know how it could lift them!

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If only we all communicate clearly…

All of world’s problems simply come down to miscommunication, I have discovered.

If India & Pakistan could understand each other’s wishes & needs, we may not be at war.
If Northern Ireland could have itself understood, it would not be so confused.
If 2 people who had fallen out actually spoke & understood each other’s perspectives, there may be no need to fall out.
If an employer and an employee heard each other’s concerns, there may be loyalty in the workplace.
If any 2 parties basically communicated, communicated such that they were understood, such that the other party still felt respected, still felt understood and still felt a winner, we would ALL be in a much happier world… and there in lies the answer to world peace.

Miscommunication and misunderstandings are the reason why we keep getting into the evil spiral we do. Simple as. See I told you, I is wise 😉

There we go- my 2 cents worth for the day!

Do all you loveSo if we come from a place of love and do everything with love, especially communicate, we may, just may be able to eradicate our issues… wishful thinking!

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It just needs a little more tweaking

The other day, I was sitting, introspecting and thinking about life in general… I realised, I am in great nick:

Friends: can’t be luckier. As certain friendships were transitioning into different forms of friendships, others came in to give me the support I needed and provide me with the laughs and the craic
Family: Despite all that has been happening with them, they are all well. Much love and wellness to them all.
Relationships: For the first time in ages, I am in one where I am not thinking beyond the next day. It’s kinda teenager-y for me, and I am having fun- who cares about the rest.
Work: Enjoying it, loving it, feeling fulfilled but feeling underemployed, underchallenged, underfocused and so I decided to take a leaf from a post about relationships last year and redefine this aspect of my life.

Set a goal- be specific but leave room for manouver

I aim to have reshuffled my various business and work commitments by August 1 so that I feel sufficiently challenged, strike the work-life balance I like and be earning the amount of money that matches the goals I have set.

– Not necessarily a job- could be my own company, a project I am consulting to, a role I have been employed in- a maximum of 6 that allows me to focus and give it the attention it all deserves
– Of the 6, 2 roles are towards the voluntary roles I already perform- these take a small amount of my time and effort and allow me to give back to the community in areas I genuinely care about
– Of the 6, 2 roles are towards the companies I own, am building, already love and am passionate about
– Of the 6, I am now ready to look for 2 more roles as 1 of the current ones is about to come to an end…

Make peace with the past

Till almost last week, I was holding grudges against certain people I felt wronged by. I have been forgiving them, blessing them and wishing them love. I am letting the past remain the past and know that all the work I am doing will help me deal with it all.

Thank you Universe for everything- I know that everything has happened for a reason. Some of the lessons I have learnt have cost me a tiny fortune, some of the things I have done have caused people pain (unintentionally), some of the work I have done has been subpar but I made the best decisions with all the knowledge I had at the time I made them and as such, I am at peace with myself. I thank myself, I forgive myself and I love myself for the person I am.

List the qualities you want

For my 2 companies:
– a structured approach by all the owner/ investor parties concerned
– a “N” environment
– a strategic direction
– success in terms of turnover and not just profit
– growth of at least 100% in both the areas I am focusing on
– an ability for me to draw a salary without feeling guilty
– an ability for me to continue growing the current pool of talent
– hiring of at least 2 new staff members between the 2 organisations- may be shared
– should take about 10 hours a week of my time
– a proper Dublin office

For my 2 voluntary roles:
– stay as is, pretty much
– be more structured, be more thought out, be more strategic
– should take about 2 hours a week of my time, on an average

For my other 2 roles:
– the roles will allow me to work on my own times
– the roles will allow to be employed in a manner that keeps me engaged and challenged
– I will have a defined job description, clear roles, tangible results
– I will have my own space to do the role and will be allowed to come in and leave as I please
– will take about 20 hours a week of my time

In addition to all the 6 roles, I will
– spend some time networking
– spend some time meeting people to keep in touch with the news and the business pulse
– spend some time doing PR for the companies

In everything I do:
– I will be successful
– I will deliver results
– I will beat expectations
– I will be ethical and moral
– I will be kind to everyone I work with
– I will inspire
– I will be a pleasure to work with
– I will learn
– I will travel
– I will teach
– I will have fun
– I will enjoy all I do
– I will strike a good work-life balance
– I will have good work place banter with like minded people
– I will be in a primarily ‘N’ environment

Learning, growth and sustainability

Don’t be self-destructive

I am good at what I do. I am capable of all I do. I perform well at my tasks. I forgive those I have worked with in the past who have let me down. I ask for forgiveness from those I have let down. Love to all.

I am going to continue being good to myself.

Declutter

Cleaning binge- here I come, again.

Cleaning of the physical space, cleaning of the soul, cleaning of the brain, cleaning of the negativity- I am full of life, vitality and optimism. I am a beacon of hope and I spread goodwill everywhere I go.

Take An Action

Every day I will do something different to the previous day, however small a task or move it may be in the right direction.

At least once a week, I will reach out to at least one business contact I don’t usually say hello to.

Feel

Genuinely, I haven’t felt better than the last few weeks. Things are happening, change is coming and I feel it in my bones. I just do. It’s that womanly intuition I keep hearing about. It’s all well. Life is beautiful.

With exercise 1 done, I am now going to take advise from another post regarding making the visualisation work and add that to this post:

I want to achieve the feeling of contentment and satisfaction that comes from doing a job well.

I will first achieve this by
– ensuring the Irish arm of company 1 is up and running
– ensuring that company 2 is ready to trade
– performing the best I can in my current role and delivering the project as per plan
– ensuring I continue to grow and learn and keep myself challenged
– finding the right mix of the work I want to be doing

I can achieve this because
– I have the right skills and experience needed to perform
– I am a diligent worker and ultimately, focus on the long term sustainability
– I care about what I do and hence, focus on delivering quality

I will achieve this by July 31, 2013

I will reward myself by
– company 1 up & running: a new scarf. After 100 full paying Irish orders, I will take The Shrew to Monart for a weekend and will take Harry for a good dinner
– company 2 trading: a new pair of shoes. After I draw my first salary, I will take a fellow Indian with his own company here for a night of cocktails
– current project: by getting a new project
– ensuring growth: end of the year, evaluate growth by having done at least 3 new types of project tasks and thus, earning myself a new dress
– finding the right mix: end of Nov 2013, if I have achieved the balance I am aiming for that I know is right in my head and heart even if not perfectly articulated here, I will buy myself the bike I have been talking of

The 3 important benefits of achieving this goal are:
– I will be much more content than I am currently when I get the satisfaction of using my brain the way I want to
– I will be able to give more to the society, including my mother
– I will be able to focus on improving other aspects of my life

Richard Wiseman also suggested following the doublethink, so here goes:

Why achieve? Self- satisfaction & Contentment
The feeling of satisfaction and the feeling of contentment of being able to put your feet up, enjoy your life knowing that you have performed correctly, done it all to the best of your ability and have the means to enjoy the life you are leading is pretty awesome!

Barrier: not finding the right role
This is a huge challenge in the current economy and in the current market environment. Additionally, it is tough to find the right mix. As a kid, I wanted to have my pick of projects I worked on and I am delighted to be at that point of my life and career.

Another word why? Happiness & Success
Self satisfaction and contentment together define happiness to me and by achieving that inner happiness, I have reached my personal pinnacle of success. By knowing I have enough to enjoy all I want in life, I know I have come to the point where I need to decide to either keep a steady pace or define a new success.

Another barrier: My mental attitude
I can be my ow enemy at times. It is something I am aware of and am working on it, here’s hoping I can overcome this hurdle sooner than I realise…

cannot become by remainingThank you Denise Duffield-Thomas and Richard Wiseman for your advise and guidance.
Thank you Universe for giving me the strength, the courage and the future I imagine.

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Creativity….

Incase you need some inspiration on how to remain creative 🙂

33 staying creative ways

See… creativity ain’t that tough 😉

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Doublethink

Still on about 59 seconds by Richard Wiseman- yeah, I know, this is my 3rd post and potentially not the last!

To motivate you to achieve your goal and get over the procrastination:

Define the goal
Potential benefits and setbacks:
– one word to reflect why achieving this would make life better
– one word to reflect a significant barrier in the way
– one other word to reflect why achieving this would make life better
– one other word to reflect a significant barrier in the way
Elaborate all the 4 points above

I think ideally this should be done in conjunction with the earlier exercise. Together this may be a long enough exercise to do but no point starting a journey without some planning- sometimes getting lost is fun but sometimes its good to have a plan!

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Move over, visualisations

So, I am still digesting bit of this book I was raving about last week!

I do believe in the power of imaging the goal but I do agree that without the right effort alongside, there is NO way one can get to the destination. Richard Wiseman gives us a template on how to do it:

1. Define the overall goal
2. Create a step-by-step plan:
Break the goal into 5 smaller steps- they should all follow the SMART thinking and identify a reward for achieving each step
3. List 3 benefits of achieving the overall goal
4. Tell the world

Fill in this form

I want to achieve…
I will first achieve… (do this for all 5 sub goals)
I can achieve this because…
To achieve this, I need to…
I will achieve this by…
I will reward myself  by…
The 3 important benefits of achieving my overall goal are…

I know what my next few Wednesdays posts are gonna be now 😉

I think combining this plan with the feeling of success at the very end will together allow for happiness and success in our lives but visulaising on its own may not get us the results we need- ‘cos at the end of the day, effort is needed!

difficult to wait but worse to regret

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Spring in the step

It’s the simple things in life that make one happy.

Today, I got sunburnt- normally not something to be happy about but it’s great to have the sun on my face for so long, the long drive in my car, despite the weather…

Today, I also caught up with 2 very good friends- one that I see regularly enough and one that I don’t see too often despite being very fond of her…

Today, I also had a smile on my face due to some random texting with Red…

Today, though I hardly slept, though I am exhausted beyond belief, I am delighted with the reaction a customer had to something we delivered to them…

Today, my energy levels are shot, I am getting ready to go away for a weekend with practically nothing packed, with stress levels being very high and all that, BUT I have a spring in my step ‘cos a lot of small things came together to make it a great day!

Thank you Universe. I truly appreciate all the love you are sending my way.

everything is extraordinary

Life is fabulous right now. I feel absolutely great! I wish to bottle this feeling and smell it every time I feel a little down or share it with anyone who doesn’t have a smile on their face!

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Dream Teams…

For those of you who plan to see ‘Inkaar’- spoiler alert! I may have given away a lot in my post!!!

So today I saw a Bollywood film that touches on a very serious topic- sexual harassment in the work place. I am delighted to see such films coming out in the cinema- at first I thought it was gonna be like Disclosure but no, it went a step further and in pure Bollywood fashion, added in the love twist.

What I liked about it was the play of Alpha parties. What I also liked was the build-up of a dream team (a pure high performance team!) and then their crash. And how the crash affects around. I personally have been a part of it myself. And it IS not fun.

However, there were a few points that got me thinking:

– Are women forced to become Alphas?
– Do we behave in a manner that we perceive is correct rather than portray who we are?
– Why do we feel the need to prove ourselves before we get the guy we want/ the job we want etc? And of course, everyone needs to prove themselves to some extent but why do some of us go way beyond and in the process, get lost (from the original and usually, true path)?

One of the biggest lessons I have learnt in life is that to beat a man in the office, be a lady- they know how to deal with men, they know how to deal with women trying to be men but few know how to deal with ladies (‘cos very few of us know how to be that in an office environment!!!!).

i am enough

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Brilliant business discussion!

The image below captures it all really- I wish I could recall the article I shot this from to credit it- however, this is the best discussion to capture the importance of a good team.

Today, being the day of entrepreneur awards, I am reminded of the lesson yet again! So go on you business owners, managers and everyone else in power, surround yourself with a good team.

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Focus on the positive!

I suppose the last while I have been very busy, very busy focusing on what lies ahead of me- the next few define the plan in terms of my life, my mother’s life, my companies and where they are going…

The one trick that has always propelled me and I used to originally share it on my blog is the process of taking a moment to think of the positive, focus on what’s going right, celebrate the little wins and take a moment to let it all sink in- reading this article on the impact Stanford experiment has and reversing it can have is so powerful- ‘cos it provides the data and the figures behind a habit I knew was doing some good.

Not saying I could or would have been a criminal but you know, I could have gone down a negative spiral, at one stage, I almost did and I could have really wasted a lot of time and I could have done a lot of damage, but in the end, I have come out stronger, still positive, still with tonnes of options and still achieving- everyday. I am glad I focus on the positives. I urge you to do the same.

 

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And this captures my thinking very well!

The other day, I was discussing the situation of my past company and why I left ‘cos I had no faith in certain members of the team. When I read #4 on this post about firing, I feel I made the right decision- I couldn’t fire the person so I jumped ship as I didn’t believe in the organisation.

Today, I feel good about that decision. I don’t really need the external validation but every so often, it feels good.

Let’s help the company find the people who fit the roles correctly and let those people find their niche ‘cos not everyone can do everything right! So go ahead, fire that person. You could be doing them the biggest favour ever!

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No fury like a woman scorned!

You know, when people talk of women being scorned, it’s often in the context of romance but there are other aspects to our lives too.

Over the past few days, I have felt betrayed- VERY betrayed. And that to by someone VERY close to me. A part of me expected this behaviour and is not surprised, another part of me is VERY shocked.

However, the strategic is me had put a few things in motion and you know what, someone will regret crossing their path with me ALOT.

a VERY disappointed me!

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Define your time.

I got a really good piece of advice off a mate today as part of a conversation

“Don’t look as time as money. Define your time as intellectual property. If people are going to use your advise exponentially, how can you charge an hourly rate?!”

Honestly, I never looked at myself with so much self worth- I love these words. I may not take them all at face value but I will certainly consider them when trying to monetise my current consultancy, especially as it is focused more and more towards the startup world.

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Women…

Happy Women’s Day folks- even if I am not sure what the purpose of today is- shouldn’t everyday be everyone’s?!

I am very fond of Drake’s words- I know I expect a guy to jump through hoops and often tar them with a guilty brush and expect them to clean up other people’s mess- yeah, messed up is me! But I am aware and I try not to take it out on the men I date most of the time :/

For a women in business/ careers perspective, here is a video that shares some thoughts/ results on the matter- I am one of the few statistics who actively manages her career (even if I sometimes suspect I have failed), makes changes despite the risks at large (even if it means losing everything) and change roles when unhappy.

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Actions speak louder than words!

The other day, I was back in my old office talking to the second most senior person- someone I have admired from my first interaction and someone I genuinely have a lot of time for. She is also one of the really few people I have always been inspired by- for her simple ways, her warmth, her encouragement, her dedication and her passion. So, to hear words like “you overwhelm me and make me feel inadequate” are high praise in themselves, but when she invites you to talk to * wait for this *
** breathe ** (me, not you)
*** drum rolls *** (again, for me, not you)
… to the WHOLE office- I don’t mean the Dublin office, or the Irish office- I mean, internationally- .i.e. almost 250,000 people globally- and these are some of the brightest minds in the world, then, well… you know her words were not just words.

STILL overwhelmed by her reaction. STILL in shock. STILL in complete awe of the lady.

And today, I have A LOT more self belief- so dear world, watch out- ‘cos I come with renewed energy (even if my sickness means I need to sleep every 3-4 hours and I feel like death warmed up) and optimism and faith. The world is definitely my oyster and here I am to take over as that meek engineer who actually makes the ship get to its course while the captain is too busy dancing and prancing around.

Boo yeah. Whoever said 2012 is going to be awesome was so right. Oh wait, that was me- see, already coming true!

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Gullible me!

No matter what movie I watch, I feel there is a part of my life being represented in it- is this just me being gullible or is it the directors doing a brilliant job…

Today it is “Two week’s notice”- the relationship between Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, and their professional relationship- the interesting bit is the end… and is it that these fantasies make me believe in the best of everyone and everything. And is this why I expect too much at times- like expecting my best friend to come visit me when I am sick, like a hug from my mother (well I would have gotten that if things could be!), like expecting people to do the right thing and not get caught up in their bloody ego wars!

The argument about perfection reminds me so much of exactly what a friend and I used to fight about- he said those very words to me and so it amuses me to see them being repeated, word for word on telly. Sigh.

Someday, I am going to make the time, if I could care enough, to put together my life through movies… have often been asked to write a book so this may be the easy option out hehehe.

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What I do…

So this seems to have gone viral… loved this one!

So far I haven’t seen one for CEOs, Managers or Consultants- wonder how long before they emerge as well. Love the photography, event management ones too, btw.

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The state of Ireland…

For those in Ireland, we all know we are f*cked.
For those not in Ireland, you know we are f*cked.

Enjoy these- ‘cos though they are funny, they actually may turn out to be true!!

For an Indian, this is even funnier:

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And even more images!

I seem to be following a path of just sharing images and not really penning my thoughts but meh, my blog, my world!

I particularly like this one- when people think looking after me is selfish and I try to get my point across that if I don’t look after myself, I can’t look after anything- this is what I am trying to explain:

And then there is this- was meant to be funny but for some reason humour is lost on me- it at least depicts pretty well how being an entrepreneur isn’t all fun and games!

And finally, this one- just becayse it makes me smile- I love the colours, the lines, the smoothness, the beauty of it all!

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Partly a guy!

A part of me IS definitely a guy! I absolute dislike/ hate/ abhor playing games!

The game I do play is BUSINESS! 🙂 Now that’s a game worth playing…

And even though a part of me has taken a knock right now- I know I was a second class citizen in paradise and am trying to be a queen in a world I don’t want (Plan B may need to be activated a lot quicker than I had realised!), I know I am a happier person and making the right decision for my soul.

Spent an hour talking to a girl I used to manage in the previous role and it made me cry- it hurt. She was SO unhappy, she felt she wanted to leave and move on and she knew the only reason she was staying was convenience and financial and not ‘cos she loved it- she identified the 3 people she really disliked, she blamed the big boss and she blamed me for leaving. She told me things that have worked out practically exactly the way I expected them to, she told me incidents that made my blood boil, she told me how unhappy the environment was and I felt terrible. But a part of me is happy- happy to see the dude I worked with struggle, happy to see him want to discuss a few things with me, happy to see the organisation having problems, happy the old team still come to me to discuss their ideas and options, happy to know that I made the best decision for me. (Told you, I love the game of business and I am a lot like a guy!)

Personally, I feel terrible- it’s sad that one person’s leaving can affect the office so badly, sad to realise that people have been allowed to grow their egos so much that they don’t feel the need to perform, sad to see that a guy with so much potential is making such silly mistakes, sad to know I have to be a spectator with the perfect ringside seats and may never get a chance to get in and referee it again.

The past week has taken a knock on my system- on one hand, there have been some massive positives- some amazing friends, some amazing moments, some amazing realisations and on the other, some very upsetting downsides- some things that have really knocked my faith in myself, some things that have really made me rethink a lot of things again and I am once again realising that the road ahead is still very trying. Thank God 2012 is gonna be awesome!

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Break Ups!

With Valentine’s Day round the corner, many people are either remembering their break ups, focusing on break up or like me, just wanting the day to move on… However, the one good thing is the theory going around about how Valentine’s Day is cancelled because: 14-2-12=0 (for the geek in me, it’s caused many a giggle). And the other is this image- not necessarily a valentine one but well, still only come my way at this time… And oh so true, we women tend to assimilate facts, get used to the new ways things are happening and move on whereas men feel the crash later, much later. And in a completely different universe, my personal and professional avatars are fighting- I am delighted Ryan is having trouble with some official stuff and still likes to get my opinions but at the same time, as a mate, I want to help and know that I can’t till he asks me! Wish things could be simpler but sometimes, you just need to let the people make their mistakes and come out flying the other side (hopefully) or else let them make them.mistakes and be there to pick them up the other side (preferably not). Ah well… life’s a journey and an interesting one at that… here’s to the shenanigans coming my way!

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Hooray!

Got to love this Venn diagram- it is awesome- SO lucky I have almost always worked in the Hooray zone or recognised when the Hooray zone doesn’t remain such so I can make the necessary changes…

It’s all VERY exciting- thinking of changing my path currently for a period of 2 years… let’s see! All in all, tiresome, stressed, busy but fun and exciting times ahead- bring it on 🙂

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Strength

There is something to be said about organising things right!

So go on, organise, unite and conquer!

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Will I ever learn?!

Somedays I feel like such a sucker, and today- I feel like the biggest sucker ever!

16 years ago- suckered for the first time by the only guy I ever caught cheating on me
14 years ago- suckered for the first time by a guy I thought genuinely cared for me
12 years ago- suckered by my own father
and the list goes on…. till
Last year- suckered by my best friend (surprisingly Calvin has been through this before and the 2 of us only realised the similarities today- well I knew about them earlier but we only talked of them today)
Today- my own lecturer.

The funny thing is all of them have been men- the men who have tried to manipulate me in some way, who have taken advantage of my niceness and my brain for their own gain and at some point, I truly need to f*cking grow the f*ck up.

I think 2012 will truly be as awesome as I expect it to be only when I really grow up.

On the other hand, Calvin offered an option to play with a new idea and go forward with it- considering he is one of my only two male friends I feel the way I do about, it is a very tempting option and I have told him I will get back to him end March with hopefully a negative…. fingers crossed it works out that all I do is advise him as I have in the past.

Here’s to things actually working out, and for once, in my favour.

Mind f*cked and braindead- hope you are all having a better day!
J

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Where I am today

I have felt the last 2 days have been very unproductive for my usual standards- a part of me is wondering if this is what I want to do and realising it is, a part of me wonders if it will go the way I want it to because as Will Smith said…


And so I am working towards getting it, but every so often, i reach an obstacle- be it a writer’s block, a moment of doubt, a fight with my partner or the need to catch up on sleep or just this horrible, chesty cough that has come to revisit me.

And then I recall Ira Glass’s words

Words that remind me that sometimes, it is ok to take a moment and take it slow- ‘cos if you don’t, your work can suffer (read this article for more about good ideas- good read!).

So hopefully, I am now back up on my feet and am gonna kick some a$$! 🙂

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Bringing me back to earth

Today I was talking to one of my favourite people in the world- Calvin- he has been a part of my life for over a decade and even though we rarely get time to see each other, when we do, we really do catch up. It’s a funny friendship- few realise it’s depth yet the two of us care a lot for each other. He is one of the only two friends in my life that I would actually consider marrying.

So today, I was talking to him about some stuff in my life and taking his advice on a certain dilemma I am facing and catching up on his news, when I realised the last few months may have been the world’s way of bringing me back to earth.

Many people had advised me to sign paper work with Ryan before joining hands with him the last time and I scoffed at the very idea- I trusted him, and still do. However, I was definitely taken for a ride- in exactly the same manner my mum’s boyfriend had been 20 years ago- the similarities are so scary that the two of us were shaken to our very core.

I used to have a guard around me that I had built to not be hurt and I think being hurt by my best friend actually felt worse than being hurt by my father. At least with my best friend, I made the decision based on my own intuition and information and it was incorrect. I fought for him, I stood by him, I increased his profile in little ways, I built his empire and I am going in again and it seems, he unconsciously wants to f*ck me over again!

Will I ever learn my lesson? Ryan, will you please realise what you are doing and stop making me be the bad person in the whole thing?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH- just when I thought it was all over and was willing to close the chapter, it reopens and so does the wound and my self-doubt.

I am hoping this comes true!

Am I being really naive doing what I am doing?! Wish there was an easy answer. Every fibre in my gut says I am making the right decision but then again, it did that the last 15 months too…. Someone, Anyone, Angels, God, The Powers that Be- help me!

Thank you 🙂

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Dreams!

Today I got a tarot card that said some beautiful words:

And followed soon after, I saw this pic on a site…

Additionally, I am feeling nervous, excited and stressed due to a meeting I have tomorrow which has suddenly changed format and it could make my dreams come true, sooner than I expected. If this is a sign, it’s a pretty optimistic one- fingers crossed!

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So in 2012, one should…

I think this should be the philosophy one lives by- about balancing! I suspect the workaholic in me needs a real break and though I hope to work less, I hope to achieve a lot more through the dreams, through better planning and through smart working!

Roll on 2012. SOOOOO excited!

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This is ME right now.

Bring on the future 🙂

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Fall

…’cos you can pick yourself up, brush off the failure, learn from the lessons and try something new.

But do it- ‘cos YOU WANT TO!

At the end of the day, the whole life is a risk.

So go hence forth and take THAT risk- yup that VERY risk you are thinking twice about 🙂

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When I am dying…

This article on the most common things people think of while dying got me thinking about what I would like to say when I am on my deathbed:

– I achieved everything I really wanted to: In fairness, when I was 25, I said that one a call to my mother from Antarctica and recall saying “if I die now, I will die knowing I achieved what I was put on earth for”

– I am glad I worked so hard- it gave me a sense of fulfilment and allowed me to explore areas & boundaries I may not always have managed. However, I would like to be able to add: “I managed to strike a balance so I could also make time for all the things that I wanted to- time for myself, my friends, my family, my hobbies, my interests and the things that I wanted to achieve by working as hard I did”

– I was honest about my feelings- Yes, I know I keep some a secret and I perhaps always will- I don’t think anyone will ever know how deeply I truly felt about FL, or how much I actually detest the guy who took my innocence away, or how hurt I was when my father walked away or so many other instances but when it affects someone else or someone can do something about it, I usually do share what’s on my mind- good, bad and the ugly!

– I always made time for what was important to me- my friends, my family- see #2. I was wholesome- whatever I did, I gave it my all- be it hanging out with friends, nurturing my family, looking after my adults etc etc etc

– I stopped doing anything that made me unhappy- I quit a job I was brilliant at, I broke a perfectly good relationship (actually 2 of them- SL and TL), I walked away from a company I totally love (Well, about to), I stopped meeting friends I didn’t want to be with and so many other example

So far, I have traversed the roads that I have and amde the decisions I have made for my happiness which allow me to keep most of the regrets people have away from my life- here’s hoping I succeed. I want to be remembered for my smile, my optimism, my zest for life, my need to always do something different and my ability to always and always be wholesome & honest.

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Strength

“A loser doesn’t know what he’ll do if he loses, but talks about what he’ll do if he wins, and a winner doesn’t talk about what he’ll do if he wins, but knows what he’ll do if he loses.”

The past fortnight has been tough, very tough- I felt lower than I have in a while. A part of me wonders if that’s just a November thing as my body deals with the change in weather and the lack of adrenalin at the end of our annual project.

I got the courage to speak to Ryan. I spoke to him- yes, it was ill-timed but that was not by design; yes, I pushed him out of his comfort zone but that’s something I am one of the few people who can; yes, I knew I was potentially losing one of the most important friendships in my life but I couldn’t carry on the way I was.

In the end, I didn’t get everything I wanted. Infact, I gave in to something that at one stage was a deal breaker to me but in the bigger picture, if I am partly involved, I cannot/ cannot/ cannot completely walk away.

So, I am leaving the current role in the current organisation, returning to my advisory role to an organisation that’s grown to it’s peak pretty much but starting a brand new venture- with the team, the boundaries, the role, the rules I want.

This is IT- I am cutting my past losses and moving forward and hopefully the I’s will be back someday!

All in all, after months, I saw my best friend again- the boy I so truly care for and I know in the past few days, I did push his limits but hey, if I don’t, who will 😉

In other news, Miss Piggy called me up wanting gossip about us and even went as far as making it a point to say she was not sleeping with him- errr… I was born yesterday, yeah?

And in even bigger news, I am moving back to Dublin- Candy and I will be living together and we can do all we want, whenever, wherever ‘cos we are young, free and single! Boom!!

Last week, I almost fell apart- I realised Ryan is like my right arm- I am that dependant on him- emotionally and mentally. I realised I love what I do and I hated what had become of it. I realised I am the luckiest b!tch to have the friends I do- my bra tripod came together very strongly as did many others. However, through it all, I knew and had faith, it will get better and that optimism held me together and the truth reigned- I tend to find the people around me who help me through and guide me down the right path.

Last week, I found strength again and I want to thank all of you who helped me through the journey.

As I said in a message last week- SUCCESS IS ME.

Love x

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Since I can’t…

SCREAM where I am, here goes-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

PS There is a small part of me delighted thoughts can’t kill ‘cos I would certainly be a few friends down today (1 whom I would have killed and others ‘cos they wouldn’t be associated with me after that act!)

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Punch

“That man’s stress is this woman’s burden.”- I took this quote off another blog.

I so agree with the sentiment this mistress is feeling, sometimes I feel like the other woman in Ryan’s life.

For the past 3 days, I have wanted to give him the card I bought for him, I left it on his bed one day and then removed it- I don’t have the heart to give up something that is definitely likely to worry him a little till I know he can take it- he is SO tired and stressed that my heart goes out to him. Candy made a very valid point- she think I shouldn’t be a cowardly b!tch (my words, not hers) and should give it to him in his hand. It’s the least I should do. There was a part of me that wanted to leave it for him to find it on Saturday when he is alone in the house but I suppose I can wait till Monday night or Tuesday evening.

Adding to the list that bugs me, the most is potentially how he lives in the Urgent+Important box whereas I plan to stay out of that box so when something does crop I can work with it and neither of us is really willing to adapt. He is constantly expecting everyone to adapt to him and not willing to give and it has lead to many a frustrated work colleague.

I cannot, cannot, CANNOT remain a punching bag forever. I need an out.

On a different  note, I suppose the reason I choose my life the way it is, even if unhappily, is summed by these words:

At the end of the day, I care. I care about the organisation and the people who make it.

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6 in 6 days!

This is a NEW record for me- I have always been head-hunted, I have always had opportunities come my way but in the last 6 working days, I have had 6 job offers!

Almost all of them have been very enticing, very exciting, very tempting. I have been thinking about it alot and decided to try and identify what is it that I love so much about what’s on offer and what I have so here goes:

On Offer:

  • An opportunity to make my own team- in most cases, I will have 1 or 2 old people but need to bring in other talent as I deem fit
  • Money- not just the money but the expense account, the options to spend and get the lifestyle I need
  • Travel- all offer me an expat package of X trips to India (and the ones not in Ireland are even willing to thrown in a trip to Ireland annually!!!!!)
  • Intelligence- the roles are tough but the people I will be with will have intelligence
  • Assistant- I need one. Simple as. No doubts.
  • Structures- I usually dislike these but I do see the need to have certain structures, reviews, documents etc to udnerstand what’s happening
  • Not living in the Urgent land- The idea of pre-planning is something I embrace
  • Company- I am not a lone wolf
  • Support- Interesting networking opportunities, interesting people to meet etc
  • Did I mention BRAINS? And I don’t mean the ones zombies look for!
  • Financial responsibility- not budgets etc but when who gets paid etc- the actual process

What I love here:

  • Freedom- I come and go as I please. This does me feel guilty and I track to do about 80 hours of work a week- double of what I am technically supposed to
  • Opportunity- there is so much growth possible, there are so many things we can do but we need to plan and get the right team together and I am finding it tough to do that- when the coach you have hired doesn’t think one has the right team, you know you are in trouble
  • Responsibility- I have an awesome scope- I can do what I want, the lack of some structure (for lack of better word) upsets me to some extent but the rest is pretty darn awesome
  • Living my dream- I can actually see the dream life in my head unfold if certain things go as I imagine they should/ will
  • Emotional attachment- this is MY baby- Ryan may have done the initial hardwork and all- he carried the baby for the gestation period but when it was time to change the nappies, wake up to feed it and do all the dirty work, I was in there with the sleeves rolled up. He may not admit it, but I had a huge part of the decision and achievements wracked up by this organisaton even before I came in full-time. Just when the baby is beginning to start walking, it would be wrong of me to not be there to make sure the gates are closed, the stairs padded yet show the baby the path it needs to go down ‘cos watch out world, we are gonna rule the roost and beyond!
  • Pride- No one and I mean no one else can do what I am doing in the organisation- not someone new, not Ryan, not any of the current team, no one- a lot of factors work towards this realisation. Not saying I am not replaceable- just as easily can be but no one can else get the organisation to perform the way I can, partly cos of the visions I have and the way Ryan and I think and are linked.

However, it’s weird when I was writing the good, a lot of the negative points came up too and I feel, I just do, I need to pen it down:

  • I am unhappy- unhappy not ‘cos I am doing something I don’t want to but ‘cos I care and I am doing something I want yet I have a sh!t team- I change any words I might have said in the past- wipe them all out and let’s start afresh. The organisation has grown, they have been asked to grow and they are not growing the way they need to- I am beginning to wonder if they have the capacity to?!
  • I have NO support- as a friend or as a colleague- if I open my mouth- I am apparently being too chatty, being too whingy, being too sulky or being too judgemental- f*ck you all. And this article helps me realise even more that I am not going completely insane.
  • Almost every time I have an idea, it’s dismissed and then fed back to me a few days later- sometimes I feel its a power play but most of the time, I think it takes that long for him to assimilate the idea and by the time he does, he forgets where it came from and then wonders why I have no original thoughts
  • I feel guilty if I am not working every single moment
  • I can’t afford the life I want- I came here for 3 months and am still here 13 months later and have nothing to show for it
  • I can’t implement the changes I want, I can’t base the office in a place that makes sense (tacit knowledge/ hub/ proximity/ safety), I can’t make decisions
  • I don’t have certain powers I want- I will always remain ready to fly till I have that security and till I know I have it cos I have earned it- Crystal, Ryan, Spartacus telling me they will look after me no matter what is not the security I can live with
  • I HATE, HATE, HATE the official title I have- it’s missing the most important aspect about my role- the aspect I love and the very aspect I do least of
  • I really dislike not being a team in the office and the lack of communication we have- telepathy has it’s limitations
  • I don’t like the fact that Ryan’s loyalty doesn’t allow me to hold people as accountable as I would like
  • I don’t like that Ryan feels he is above everything and be excluded form procedures
  • I don’t like the fact that I seem to be constantly picking up Ryan’s sh!t and he doesn’t realise that- how long does toilet training really take?!
  • Lack of intelligence- I am tired of talking to myself, I crave human interaction.
  • Lack of meeting new people- I get ideas, perspectives, thoughts from interactions and not from reading or lectures- at the end of the day, a coffee is so much more fruitful
  • I feel I am constantly banging my head against a wall
  • I know I am constantly banging my head against a wall
  • My ‘team’ can’t perform and I am constantly doing things to make their targets achievable without anyone else knowing to project them in a good light but how long can I run myself this thin?

Sorry about this peeps, what started off as a WOW moment ended up as a rant- if I told my mother today that she may have an unemployed daughter on her hands today, things must be bad.

I wrote Ryan a card asking for time and undivided attention and then I chickened and removed it ‘cos of the day he has had- see, I protect him constantly- the best friend, the mate, the love in me can’t hurt him even for his own good yet a part of me is hurting and crying for attention- sitting in the same room for 2 hours with 5 mins of chatting helped me feel it’s all ok even if it’s a false sense of security- at the end of the day, I want simple things and happiness and contentment- I want my dreams to come true, I want to have the relationship I deserve, I want to lead the organisation to heights it deserves to go to, I want to support my mother in a lifestyle she deserves, I want to look after my aunts and uncles, I want to be able to go on the holidays I need to just survive- I am considering a sun day for Gawd’s sake, I want to be able to buy a magazine without wondering if I can afford it if that’s what I choose to do, I want to laugh, I want to smile, I want to be the person I always imagined I will be, I want to be able to buy the €1000 pair of shoes I am drooling over ‘cos I will appreciate them and want them, I want to be able to get the handbag I actually need and not settle for something sub-par cos it’s in my budget, I want the house I planned years ago.

I don’t have high expectations of me, do I? 😉

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To stay or not to stay…

I am at that junction in life (AGAIN) where I am confused, disillusioned, cynical, depressed, peeved off and f*cking confused (yes, I said confused twice, deliberately).

I have NO idea where my life is going, I have NO clue what to do to get what I want, I have NO real love (yes, my family and friends rock but they are not always there for me and those that are, I feel terrible about using them so much constantly that I now feel alone), I have NO assets to speak of (big boobs don’t count!!!!), I have NO way of talking to my bestest friend cos he has NO time for me or anything else on this planet bar himself, I have NO plans about what’s happening next and I have NOTHING in my life going my way- AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

And no, it’s not hormonal.

Wish I knew what to decide, how to decide, I know what I want but I have NO clue how to get it all. I am tired, tired of trying to play games, tired of carrying the weight I carry on my shoulders, tired of being taken for granted, tired of being told I am useless, tired of having a happy mask on my face, tired of life. There are times I genuinely wish I was weak enough to give it all up and throw the towel in.

Baby steps- should I stay in my current job? should I stay in Dublin? should I stay in Ireland?

I got an awesome job offer- what a package, the benefits, the salary and all came up to almost half a million in a fairly decent currency- I could get the car, the house, the clothes, the gadgets, the lifestyle I wanted in a flash and I am pretty certain it would help in many other ways but the role and location didn’t excite me enough- turning it down was one of the most interesting conversations in my life.

Nothing is making me happy at the moment. Nothing! I feel like an utter failure.

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Guilty EVEN when proven innocent!!

The other day, I had to make my annual pilgrimage to get my visa sorted. I find that a simple 20 min task to get both immigration and visa sorted spans over 2 days and is bl**dy painful.

Simple changes could really make things SO efficient:

  • Have one window do both the tasks- so what if they are 2 different departments?!
  • Get people to book appointments so they can do other things and don’t spend hours sitting there
  • Provide desks for those who want to work on the move so the productivity element can carry on
  • Why have someone stand there to hand out tickets? If they are checking the documents anyway, maybe they can figure a quicker way of processing them too?
  • Why not let someone be efficient by giving them a ticket while they go get a postal order- saves them time and has people out quicker- win-win!
  • Why not accept credit cards and not make people waste money on getting a postal order?
  • Allow the visa and registration to last longer than a year
  • Make the long-term visa quicker to get so people don’t have to do this annually
  • Make it possible to renew online
  • Treat people with respect- if they are in the immigration office, they are either working, married to someone who is working or studying here and therefore, in all instances, they are bringing money into the economy!
  • Maybe have a separate process for the different stamps or priority queues or something
  • And why oh why close the office of the second step so much earlier than the first step- it means, people have to return the next day and therefore, need 2 days away for this bureaucratic sh!te!!

Worst thing is the way the people treat you in there- even if you have all the paperwork, you have everything done right, you are treated with disrespect and piece of sh!t- it’s as if you are guilty despite having been proven innocent and it’s as if you are worse than scum.

Basically, it’s a horrible experience and one I truly dislike, especially since it could be so quick, so efficient, so pleasant for all involved. Is this what I pay my taxes plus the f*cking expensive registration fees for?! I mean, I paid a HUGE amount for a green card, and then I have to pay for registration and finally for a visa- POINTLESS!!!! Do it in one go and charge me an extra 50- the saved time is well worth it or rather, don’t charge SO much every single time.

 

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Whoaaaa

I know I am tender and fragile but I didn’t realise how much till I just burst into tears tonight. I feel SO alone right now, it’s not funny.

I feel like a tree without any roots, a punching bag without any ceiling to hang from, a rock in an ocean with no sand to anchor on. I feel alone and desolate. I feel there is no one out there to just hold me and remind me things will get better.

Everything around me seems to be falling. Yes, my midas touch is working away but I also know it isn’t as effective as it can be and I suppose that’s irritating me.

I take pride in whatever I do, I am confident about myself and what the world holds in store for me but I wish I was happy- right now, there is a gap I can’t seem to figure out 😦

I also wonder how much of what I am feeling is because of the way I feel unappreciated and taken for granted, unintentionally- it all comes down to lack of communication but sure, one can’t force a conversation!

Another part of me wonders how much is it because we both are trying to find partners for ourselves and looking for someone who loves us more than we love each other. I need someone who understands the importance of Ryan in my life and loves me for who I am- and yes, I expect my partner to love me more than Ryan does and I expect him to be my support more than Ryan is. Similarly, I expect the same of Ryan’s partner. Yet I know this is a bug ask- obviously it will take time for someone to get to those levels but let’s be honest, one can judge potential pretty darn quickly!

All in all, I know my life is falling apart everywhere- I have no idea where I am going, I have no clue what’s happening with me, I am earning less than ever, I am worth less than ever, I have more responsibilities more than ever, I have more needs more than ever and so, yes, I am scared. I am scared sh!tless and I have no idea how to even start dealing with it.

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When the tough snap

…they really snap. And today, I snapped. I haven’t felt as abused, as disrespected, as taken for granted as I did today.

I am beyond help- I broke, I have cried for hours, I have been helped by Curly and Ryan’s mum A LOT but I am very fragile and when I cant do what the right thing is, it hurts. I am making decisions that are not the best decisions knowing that and it doesn’t meet my value system, and certainly not those of the organisation either.

I really, truly wish someone would hold me and just let me cry- Ryan’s mother did and it helped but I was embarrassed especially since she knew how in the wrong he was!

These words just seem to have been written with today in mind for me. Hopefully I will wake up more optimistic tomorrow!

I am SO lucky I have the sense to realise what’s wrong and hopefully I can make the right decisions to curtail as much as I can and contain in as much as I can!

All, wish me luck before I end up saying something to someone that will make me regret it later!!! HAPPY DIWALI all- celebrate, eat sweets, light candles and most of all, be happy!

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Is it backbiting?!

If you are releasing frustrations about someone to their mother?!

I just needed an outlet, a vent, a rant and because it was about someone I love to much, I didn’t wanna turn to anyone else and used his mum as a punching bag.

She was absolutely brilliant and gave me some invaluable advice. Here’s hoping I don’t need to pull the ultimatum next month to have him choose between a certain employee and me. Fingers crossed.

Night world!

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And then he…

So much has happened since my last post.

Blondie got married and looked absolutely stunning on her wedding day and radiant since she realised she was going to spend her life with the man she loves. She got me emotional a few times during the day and I just am so totally over the moon for the happy couple. I hope they remain as happy, if not happier! Curly felt a huge stab of jealousy when she saw their happiness and was surprised I didn’t. Somehow it made me realise that I was happy for my friends and was so happy that the lack of love in my own life didn’t even figure! Part of me wonders if its because I am confident that one of these days I will have that sort of all-consuming love and I know it’s round the corner or maybe it’s just cos I am happy as is in my life… either way, I am happy and that’s the bottom line!

However, the very next day, something weird happened- a certain friend of mine and I got together! He declared his undying, unconditional love to me- the second time in about 6 months and it kinda freaked me out. We ended up kissing and it was only ‘cos I didn’t want to do it drunk that I pulled back. This has been playing on my mind A LOT. I really like the guy, he is convinced I am too good for him and I do believe the two of us wll be good together but I want to go into it with both of us being on the same page and with eyes wide open- not a drunken snog leading us to being awkward. The weird thing is he doesn’t remember a thing 😦 I really really really don’t know what to do!

And then, there’s the Rower- a guy I have been seeing for a couple of weeks- a Gemini who might be a ‘S’- scary thought yet someone who makes me very happy and someone I have fun with. In his sleep he once told me “I was very beautiful and I wear such lovely clothes” and even though the words aren’t much, they made me smile ‘cos of the way he said them. He likes me and we are both scared of discussing what will happen next but to some extent, I want to just have fun and go with the flow, especially as I head into the busiest period of work!

Talking of work, I feel I am being asked to make pearls of dirt without being given the condusive conditions- turning coal into diamonds is a long process and not always possible. My team needs a lot of work and its driving me insane! Here’s hoping I manage to get them through the project without losing too much hair… at least there is Halloween to look forward to- here’s to choosing my Halloween costume, the annual feature for October!

Somehow, this year, I am not so sure about partying though- a friend I respected highly passed away very suddenly today and I am still in shock. He had a headache, was diagnosed with leukemia and passed away- all in less than 100 hours- he was in coma for the past few hours. He beat me once at an election and it changed the direction of my life, for better or worse, he shared my idealogies, he knew how to have fun and take risks, he was a lovely person through and through and though if anything, he has reminded me of my friends, the need to keep more in contact, the need to enjoy life, a part of me is too stunted to move. RIP PO, you will be missed.

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My year as a country-bumpkin!

So, it was just over a year ago, I moved away from Dublin to live in rural Ireland. And what a year it has been! I know for a fact country living is NOT for me- at least not yet. I can see it someday but on my terms and in the manner, I choose. This is not it. Being a “Paki in a fancy car” and standing out as a sore thumb is certainly not how I like to be!

When I moved here, I thought it would be fun, a different experience, challenging yet exciting, For the first 3 months, it was exactly that! Then, I went traveling and when I came back, something had changed- things became weirder at work, I stopped having as much fun and it changed- and all for the worse.

As I mark being a year in the current company, I take stock of all that it has been and I am beginning to wonder if I am in the right place or is it matter of not being here at the right time.

Things going in my favour:

  • I enjoy what I do
  • I am good at what I do- meeting the deadlines today in the office are proof of it
  • I have brought experience to this organisation that few others could
  • I am happy with the role I have- I would love to make a few tweaks to it but I think that will happen in the next while, it’s a matter of me being patient
  • I have learnt to lower my own standards and expect lesser from others- cos few are as driven as me
  • I finally got myself a car
  • I know what I am truly worth and even though I know I am being paid a pittance of that, I can see it being worthwhile in the future

Things that p!ss me off:

  • I live in the f*cking middle of nowhere
  • I have NO friends close by- there are 2 girls I really like but I manage them and so it doesn’t count as I can’t just be the true me with them
  • I am unhappy personally
  • When I get into a half decent relationship, the distance completely kills it
  • I am not closer to knowing if I am on the right path for my life- I am so disillusioned right now that I don’t even know where to start again
  • I am away from my friends- I miss Dr F, I miss Tigger, I miss Candy, I miss Winnie, I miss Spartacus, I miss Crystal, I miss Curly, I miss Daddy Long Legs and yes, most of them are all over the world, if I had a few of them near me, it would make life so much easier

When I count all this, the negatives out number the positives and some of the negatives outweigh everything else.

How in the world am I supposed to not cry myself to sleep every other day when I am this unhappy?! Gosh, I can’t wait for the really busy period in the office to start- at least it will exhilarate me and not give me a chance to think and the end of it means moving back to the land of the living.

Today I had an argument in the office- what a way to celebrate moving here for work, eh. What upset me are so many different things that I don’t even know where to start:

  • I stereotyped a group that I have done for years and slagged them- he took offense and lashed back by saying “J hates everyone” in front of another work colleague
  • I was dismissed and something I wanted to say wasn’t heard- I am a effing partner here and I am treated like sh!t at times, we both need other ways to vent our frustrations

Seriously, why in the world do I feel I am caught between a rock and a hard place?! Is there an end to this in sight?

Why oh why do I after having as many friends as I do miss having a true friend in my life. Oh Winnie, I so, so, so wish  you were here with me. Oh Tigger, I so wish you were here too.

How many times can a person hit rock bottom? How much can a person be tried? How much can my will be tested? What do I need to get out of this rut?!

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It’s all about the people!

So a few days ago, I was talking of a mini hub that power couples form, and here’s an example of a lady who has her mini hub with her partner and few other individuals who she uses as sounding boards, as feedback generators and confidantes.

At the end of the day, you are the sum of the people you hang out most with! And that’s why I choose people with drive and ambition to achieve happiness and success in their own lives, people who think differently to me yet respect my opinion, people who have their own lives yet balance making time for the important things in their lives (ie friends and certain activities), people who think big, people who imagine, people who live and not just survive.

So today, think about who you surround yourself with? Because that could be the limiting factor in your success!

PS Does this mean I need to purge a few relationships?! Hmmmm…. food for thought!

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This is why I am a workaholic!

‎"Are you bored with life? 
Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all 
your heart, live for it, die for it, 
and you will find happiness 
that you had thought could never be yours"
-Dale Carnegie

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Mini Hub

This topic has been playing in my head for a few days and so I finally decided to write it down! The other day I was talking to someone and they wondered how I sustained a relationship while I was on the top of my martial arts game.

I realised, the main reason we were both on the top of the game was because we both egged each other on, we competed with each other, yet we pushed each other and helped each other constantly up the game and get better, focus on the important things and find the best way to deal with everything. The two people in a similar situation will always understand each other better than anyone else.

Think about it, in my previous company- one of those names that everyone likes on their CV- always tried to get people to get together with other people from the same organisation! I used to think it was a form of talent retention but didn’t realise how deep it truly was!!!

So what really makes sense in all this? I think it is the same formula as why Silicon Valley and other such hubs form- it’s basic tacit knowledge! If I have knowledge of something and some skills and my partner has some other knowledge and complementary skills, we will always be better than a team with the same thing ‘cos my partner and I would be spending all our time together and due to similar interests, share more of the knowledge that you don’t tend to put on a mail or send as a memo. It also makes more sense as to why power couples become more powerful as every day goes by!

It’s funny, even when I put it in a platonic context, Ryan and I were so much better as a team when we hung out all the time and drove to work together cos we talked of things that weren’t directly related to work and I have seen our results plummeting a bit becos of us not driving to work together…. weird but true!

And this ain’t just in business,every successful couple are both top of their game (don’t need to be C level to be on top of one’s game!) and are constantly pushing and egging the other one forward, to truly realise their inner potential and be the awesome people they are.

And sometimes, it isn’t about even being in the same profession- take politicians and their wives (stereotyping but mostly the case), the wives get information from other wives and committee members of charity boards etc and this is all a part of the political agenda of gathering information and garnering more votes and popularity. See, networking is SO important 😉

I truly believe, to be truly powerful, you need the right support- in the family, the friends and most importantly, your partner ‘cos at the end of the day that is the heart of the hub you form around you and it truly reflects in your achievements- maybe that’s why i am surrounded by such winners (we all support each other!).

Here’s to forming my own mini-hub someday! Cheers. And since I wrote this post some 10 months ago, not rewriting it but feeling this way today- I miss a cuddle 😦

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What makes a CEO?

So, my title states I am a part of the ‘C’ suite. My behaviour certainly is that. My life is mostly about work so it goes to show but it doesn’t mean that growth isn’t something I focus on.

I focus on growing myself and growing the organisation too. Infact, I think it is very important for self to grow for the organisation to keep growing.

But one thing I disagree with is the basis of this article- I don’t believe good CEOs are born and can’t be taught. Seriously, are we to believe that all the really successful business leaders out there have that inate quality in them and no one else can get it? That pretty much kills the chance for everyone else. Take me, for example, I was always brought up to believe I was awesome, I was amazing and I would be the chairperson of a big business. Was it that environment and reinforcement that made me the person I am today or was it my nationality or was I just ‘born with it’?

I do believe the fact that I am Indian (and a bania, to top it off, for the Indians who follow me) has definitely helped me be a success today. I do believe the environmental reinforcing has helped me too. But I do believe the skills I have learnt over the years have definitely helped me get to where I am. I was always somewhat strategic- perhaps, yes; definitely, no. I was always very good with people- perhaps, yes; definitely- not! I was always good at organising and executing things- perhaps, yes; definitely, no.

So basically, my personal understanding of what makes a CEO is someone who has the IQ to think big and think of the steps needed to get there and the EQ to bring along the team (which may not always be the perfect mix) to that vision while managing their stress levels and having a successful personal life.

Infact, to me, the last 2 factors are exceptionally important- being able to not lose one;s temper is exceptionally important and being surrounded by a close family is almost a necessity. Yes, I speak from experience.

I have always performed best when I am happy in all fields- when I am loved up, when I know I have that partner, when I have time with my friends, when I get exercise, when I eat healthy, when I get them massages, when I read a good book, when I enjoy a good dinner, when I go for that awesome holiday and not when I am tired, cranky and always feeling like a doormat. It’s important to be content and that comes from within and that’s what helps me perform, or so I believe naively perhaps.

And so today, I went kickboxing 🙂

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Taking a moment to breathe and take stock

And sometimes, I do think at the turn of a new year, or my birthday or just randomly, I did so today… decided to take a glass of wine, sit in the garden to watch the sun go down and just count my blessings.

And blessings are aplenty-

  • I have a brilliant family- yes, I have had my differences with some but there are so many others who just absolutely rock and are amazing. And they are the ones who make life so much crazier and fun. Yes, I miss having my own sibling to create havoc with but I had my own fair share of fun with all the other mischief my brothers and I got up to, and not to miss the midnight shenanigans with my little sister
  • I must be the luckiest person with the friends I have- from my own mother to the millions of others- Crystal, Spartacus, Ryan, Tigger, Winnie, Dr F, Snoopy, Curly, Daddy long legs to name a few… infact, one of them just said the nicest words to me on Facebook an dmade me cry- happy tears but cry nevertheless
  • I enjoy what I do
  • I almost always manage to achieve all I want to- yes, I am still a bit away from the dream I have in my head but then again, that dream changes goal posts every time I think of it and so the plan has to be tweaked accordingly…. right?

All in all, life rocks and the cherry was when one of my favourite entrepreneurs and a guy I admire loads offered me a pretty cool job with all the trimmings I could want! There is something very pleasurable and upsetting about turning it down- bittersweet!

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