I am taking back the right to MY happiness back from whoever took it. Simple as.
Today has been a tough day- when I am being told I am bullsh!tting, given out for correcting people when they have practically lied to me/ underperformed/ not done anything for the benefit of the organisation, the person giving out to me deserves to be shot especially since the person doesn’t know how to manage.
And when I am asked why I am so angry and I say “I told you yesterday”, the reaction is “you mean, this is about a dinner?” FFS- Not about dinner, YOU TWAT, it’s about the conversation I referred to. The one we need to have for me to carry on without affecting the business.
So I have made a decision, I have till Sunday evening to make this dinner happen- ideal day for me is Thursday in Dublin- somewhere quiet. Till then, I am not going into the office- I will go for the 2 meetings I have on Tuesday, 1 on Wednesday and then I am gonna feck off somewhere few can find me- somewhere I can relax, somewhere I can chill, somewhere I can get a walk, somewhere I can be me, somewhere I can try and feel better, somewhere where I don’t feel the need to kill someone.
And if the dinner has not happened till then, come Monday, I walk into the office and print a letter that I certainly don’t want to print in these circumstances.
This means I will potentially be homeless, a best-friend short, jobless, desperately sad but relieved and at the end of it all, happy.
Thank you Dr. F, you have done it again. I adores you.
Thank you all my friends who called me today- whether offering to come down to give me a hug/ take me out for dinner/ drive me somewhere else or those who offered to pay for a flight for me to wherever they were or those who called me to just hear me cry. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO very lucky to have the support and the people I have.
If 3 of my friends (and one of them is pretty impatient herself) who know I am not patient think I have shown the patience and restraint of a dozen saints, think I have been treated like scum, think I have been disrespected, think I have made the wrong decision and realise I am now at breaking point, I can only imagine how broken I must have sounded on the phone today.
I am not in a good spot- even breaking my engagement and having my whole life taken away, even seeing my horse die, even getting r@ped (sorry, I can’t spell it still), even knowing my father will never come back in my life has not made me realise how weak I truly am without contentment.
Dear world, dear angels, dear universe, dear friends- thank you for the strength so far but I am now very vulnerable and weak and need it more than ever- sorry about that- I promise to get better soon, I have made a decision and now I need to bide my time till either of the moves happen- it’s not been easy.
And now to plaster a smile and go on a “first” date with this runner I met recently.