Tag Archives: Introspection

The year that was…

2015 will remain ingrained in my mind as one of the best years ever…

  • Some fantastic holidays
  • Great personal learnings
  • Key achievements realised
  • Good friendships strengthened and weaker friendships let go
  • Put myself first and accepted it without guilt
  • Meditated, loads and love the feeling
  • Hosted some epic parties
  • Attended some amazing parties
  • Loved more than I disliked about the year
  • Fantastic relationship with Red

And MOST importantly

  • I have learnt to accept my opinion- it’s not about sharing it with anyone else or even acting on it but being at a place where I can see the facts for what they truly are

I am going to miss you 2015. Looking forward to an even better 2016.
I made a promise in Dec 2012 to never let any other year be that horrible and am delighted to find each year get better and better and better.

Happy new year all- enjoy 2016 at least as much as I enjoyed 2015. Love x

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There, I admit it!

Last weekend, within 24 hours, 4 friends got engaged- that’s 4 different couples, even if the partners are friends of mine too and another one got married. For the first time ever, I wondered if the Sex and the City of all the women finding their partners and their love etc is something more real than not.

I have always admitted I want to get married, have a family and enjoy that lifestyle but not until I am ready- however, when I see everyone around me going down the path, I do begin to wonder, am I in denial or am I expecting some sort of a thunderclap?!

It was weird, about 10 days, my first ever boyfriend got married and that impacted me more than any of my ex’s ever! It truly got me thinking of an alternate universe where I wasn’t such a party girl, where I was married, where I had kids and where I wasn’t living my dream. Additionally, I went through a whole introspection of my 20s and realised I spent it having fun- I did none of the sensible things one is expected to do- I didn’t save, I don’t own property, I didn’t get married, I don’t have a responsible job etc etc etc.

And I also realised in 2015, I can have NO frigging holiday because I will be spending all my free time in weddings- 7 close friends and family at last count- there may be a few more yet! I had thought I had gone through that wave and was in the baby wave but alas, life has other plans obviously and it has got me wondering…

Is this the beginning of the transition? Will this be where I get cranky and nary about the lack of a legal name to my relationship with Red?

I will admit, I am scared about the future! Wish me luck, peeps.

reality

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“It’s not you, it’s me”

Classic break up line all right but is that all it is? Or is there some truth in there?

Since 2010, I have lived with 2 separate friends and in each, I have initiated a change in our relationship- whether it was colleagues, housemates, business partners, etc. Both of them were my best friends when it started but somehow I felt like I had been through a break up each time!

(Somehow, romantic breakups are easier to take!)

I decided to take a moment to step back, reflect and see what the learning in this was- after all, losing friends is never fun. In both scenarios, I still consider them friends and will be there for them, should they reach out.

1. Court a friendship: If a friend is not interested in responding to your courting attempts, take the hint!
2. Know your boundaries: When we start dating, we know what we wouldn’t take for in our partners. Similarly, know the boundaries and when you are not feeling the love, distance yourself.
3. Stick to your morals: I believe in friendship forever, I do believe it transitions shape and form through the years. So if a person has been a friend and we haven’t had a falling out, I will always do my best to be there for them.
4. Quality time: The BIGGEST thing to me. In both those cases, we were spending a lot of time together but never truly quality time. Sometimes it is about the time together, doing something different, experiencing a new activity or whatever else!

After having spoken to friends who have known me a lot longer, a lot shorter, a lot better, only a little, I feel no one is ever at fault- I am sure I did something to upset them for them to stop considering me a friend or showing me the love at least but I hope that in the process, no one was really hurt!

Enemy vs friend

Reach out and let your friends know you care!

 

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Re-prioritising….

You know the biggest advantage of writing my weekly person is in actually counting the people in my head I think of writing of and latching on to the one I haven’t written of- sometimes, I use people who are on my mind because I have had some recent interaction with them.

Sometimes, I avoid writing of some people even when I have thought of them because I realise there are no longer important to me- call it being selfish, bold or whatever but in the past 2 years, I have switched my life completely, some people were part of the ride just because, some people forced me to get on the ride and some people have supported me through it.

The past 2 years have been a tumble in many ways, have taught me about life and people more than I could have ever imagined and truly taught me the value of karma and forgiveness. I have seen it do it’s ‘thang’.

I am definitely a better person today than I was two years ago- albeit short of a lot of sleep and more stressed and panicked. I am also definitely a stronger human being than I was two years ago- mostly because of people like my mother, her partner, Red, Winnie, Shrew. I am most definitely more confident- if that were even possible. AND most importantly, I am definitely happier than I was two years ago- 2012 was and remains one of the worst years of my life but I am glad I went through it and I am so glad I endured it and stuck it through.

My priorities over the past few years have changed.
The people I care about over the past few years have changed.
I am glad my value system over the past few years has remained.

For all of you out there facing your tough times, hang in there.
For all of you who have made it through, well done you.
For all of you who will face it, never lose faith in yourself and the wonder that is life.

Love to all.

worst thing could be the best thing

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May 28 Tuesday: A Brilliant Moment

I have realised recently that when I spend too much time with me, I need my 10 minutes alone at night to just wash the day away in my own head- a weird thing maybe, but hey, it works for me and it grounds me.

Very often, people don’t get it- whether it’s my mother when I am in India and I don’t go to bed the same time as her or whether it’s friends I travel with or whatever- sometimes I read on my iPad, sometimes I read a book, sometimes I play a game.

And I recall the happiness I feel, even if I am in the same room as a person I care a lot for. One such moment is playing Bejeweled on Tigger’s phone- I certainly did get addicted to it but I think the addiction was more my way of trying to understand her penchant of playing it mid conversation with people but more importantly, it was my time for me in a day I had no time alone.

So even though I am a people person and rarely like to be on my own, I love my alone time, my introspection time, my self time and I think the memories of many such moments is to be thanked for the person I am today.

Much love to me.

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In the past year…

A lot happens in a year- I truly believe this:

a year

This time last year, I would have counted Tigger and Ryan as two of my closest friends, Candy & I were going through our own transition, I cared a fair amount more than I do about Chammiya, I didn’t really know Lady, I hadn’t met The Shrew.

However, more than that, I think I have finally understood why I hated 2012 as much as I did.

1. Of my trilogy of “best” friends, two of them were not there for me. The rocks and support I had were moved from under me and I felt my absolute core shift and me not understand it. I have always kept myself guarded in the past ‘cos of my dad- I let it down most to certain people and two of them used it to hurt me. And boy, they hurt me- not by getting together (I couldn’t be bothered by that) but by not realising that it affected my relationships with them individually. At no point, did they try to preserve the individual friendships we had but that’s the passion of a new relationship. At least they are happy. And hopefully soon, things will calm down a little. I do hope the image below always reminds me of the sort of romantic relationship I want and how I want to ensure my friendships remain unaffected so as not to be on this side of the scale.

relationship happiness

2. I felt I was more like my dad than not and I didn’t like it. I had ended my downward relationship with TL and been made to feel guilty. I ended my downward business relationship with Ryan and the guilt in me wrecked me. I felt I had walked out on 2 people who expected more from me, who wanted more from me and to whom I couldn’t give. I broke ties the way my father did. TSG was awesome in making me realise how different I really am.

Bitchology

3. I was with Roark this time last year and kinda hopeful about it. This year, I have been with Red for over 2 months now, we are not in a relationship and we may never have a future but I feel more safe and secure with him than I have in the longest time. He gets me. I do hope we are given a chance to figure out “us” but then again, c’est la vie.

when you both want

Last year, according to many friends I was stressed, I was wound up, I was scared, I came across unhappy and I truly lacked focus. I needed the year to build myself up. This year, everyone has seen a calmer sense in me- I have accepted my faults, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. I am stronger, I am softer and I am ready for the challenge that life throws my way- I have been lucky to have found some amazing people who have stepped in and decided to help me out. I am truly blessed. I am lucky. I have a fabulous life.

accept, confidence, fear

I also realised I have been second guessing everything, been looking for my father’s approval, been wanting to do it right and in the process, have gone against my instinct and therefore, ended up on a longer route to where I may have been going but hey, it’s finally beginning to get there- slow and steady eh? 😉

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Some interesting introspective lessons!

Today was a moment of realisation sort of a day for me:

1. Chivalry is not dead- I was in a diplomatic office today and as a lady, got a seat offered to and help from another gentleman. Neither asked for number or anything else- they did it out of respect and out of consideration for the fair sex.

2. My life is a lot more in movies, than not- Cocktail (the Hindi one) came close in some instances. It made me realise I still have no clue how to show my true self to the world- I still come across confident and authoritative, no matter how soft I may be inside. And it made me realise people are not to be trusted as much as I would have liked to believe.

3. Maybe it is time for new friends- I love my current ones but tonight, I holed myself up and cried. Cried tears while chatting to a fourteen year old ‘cos I didn’t know who else to talk to- this 14 yo is dead and immatue- I am caught in  my own whirlwind of emotions and feel I cannot turn to anyone. I also realised the anger I feel towards certain people in my life- in their throwaway comments, in their selfish focus, in their insecurities and in their constant need to tell me “I look great/ I did something great etc”- a true friend would break down that barrier and make me spill my gut out- warts and all.

4. In attempts to follow my dreams, I have practically given away 3 apartments in India or 1 nice 2 bed apartment in city centre Dublin- given away, in full, no  mortgage, no nothing- practically handed it on silver platter to the world and all its glory- with NO clue where or how I am going to make it all back again.

5. I am scared. I am excited but I am scared- I just need to take the jump- this time, I canNOT back out- I need to leap, I have come too far and I need to do it alone. I have a very exciting journey- extremely challenging, unpredictable and scary (yup, repetitive, I know) but I am scared.

6. I am beginning to wonder about my capacity to love- I never had any trouble finding a man, keeping him charmed, getting him under a spell to marry me or declare undying love. For the last 4 years since I returned my ring, I have had little luck- I have met some amazing people, I have shared laughs with many, kissed a few, been intimate wit fewer still but not one has managed to keep me interested and not once have I tried to charm anyone. Is it cos I feel I am going to be on my own forever? Is it cos I have grown up and don’t play ANY games at all (even one of being a charming lady)? Is it that I have no faith in the fairytale notion?

7. I am keeping up with the Joneses- not materialistically, not physically, not emotionally but outwardly- to all, I am a rock, I am confident, I am a success whereas inside I am tired, cynical, as much in need of some support as anyone else.

8. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am tired. I need TLC. I need rest. I need pampering. I need love. I need a dream in my head that I cannot articulate and I just, miraculously, want it to appear.

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“It’s not you, it’s me”

Almost anytime one has tried to end a relationship without hurting the other party, the words “It’s not you, it’s me” have been used. I have used them, I have also been on the receiving end of them (if only the once) and in neither scenario does it feel nice to use those words.

The other day I got thinking and realised it was actually me. I was not JUST saying it- it was true. I was so scared to let myself go, I was so scared of depending on someone else, I was so scared of letting go of the past memories that the fault was in me- I was NOT ready.

And so, I took a step in a different direction– I went back to the thinking I had early last year- trying to show more of my femininity and the sort of woman a man I am with would appreciate (without compromising on any aspect of me!) and there were a lot of signs telling me a lot of things but I just needed to sit down, introspect and focus on me.

I started off by evaluating each aspect of my life:

– Family: fantastic family, doing well- at least my maternal side and I rarely am in contact with my paternal one
– Friends: couldn’t ask for a better bunch!
– etc. etc. etc. and stumbled upon a seminar that Denise had given a few months ago- now I know it focuses on soulmates, but the principles in it are so true for everything else.

Set a goal- be specific but leave room for manouver.

To have made the decision about a certain by the end of July and have started taking the required action. Additionally, there are some elements to my goal that I am unwilling to make public but there are very definitely clear in my head.

Make peace with the past.

This is something that has been coming up since December time in conversations. However, I loved the explanation Denise gave- forgive your parents, forgive your past, forgive those who have hurt you and forgive those you haven’t even thought about ‘cos it does no harm to forgive, it does a lot of good infact and it allows you to really move on, especially when you may not understand what’s holding you back!

In terms of love, I think I really need to forgive my teacher and my father- both have caused more pain than not. I have a lot of fantastic men to thank as well for having taught me that there are some amazing people out there but yeah, I do potentially need to really forgive those 2 gentlemen in particular, my mother for certain things she caught me while I was growing up (including the need to be an island) and heal myself.

And most importantly, I need to forgive myself and not constantly do the typically Irish thing of constantly putting myself down. I have a lot going for me- I love me.

List the qualities you want

You know, I came across my dreamboard the other day and this is what I described for my ideal role:
– An ‘N’ environment (MBTI description)
– A senior management entrepreneurial role
– A role that allows me to feel challenged and add real value
– A role that allows me the freedom to design my team, my day, my projects
– A role that affects the bottom line positively
– A certain salary (figure undisclosed)
– A role that allows me to travel a certain amount and mix pleasure with business
– A role that allows me to use my Indian-ness and Irish-ness to the best of my abilities
– A role that makes me jump out of bed everyday
– A role that I love
– An atmosphere that allows me to form strong relationships with my colleagues
– An atmosphere that strives towards learning, growth and sustainability

In terms of the qualities (or the mix of) I would like to have in my partner, the ones that come straight to my head are:
– Loving- not just of me and himself but in general of the people he cares about
– Intellectual- not just with his nose in books but to actually apply the learning, be able to have interesting conversations and form own opinions
– Caring
– A go-getter
– Secure and confident
– Someone who doesn’t just think from his own perspective but of others too
– Someone who values me and my role in his life
– Someone with whom I share mutual trust, respect, loyalty, admiration
– Someone who inspires me to be the best I can be
– Someone who enjoys driving and knows how to drive
– Someone with a sense of style, who knows how to dress sharp and carry himself well
– Someone I can inspire to be the best he can be
– Someone who enjoys cuddling and watching a movie in as much as going out and having a good time in the nightclub or at parties
– Someone romantic
– Someone who will “protect” me
– Someone who will help me break down my walls
– Someone who understands my need for space but still is able to be there for me, in his own way
– Someone who can be cheesy enough to enjoy a dance in the moonlight and laugh at ourselves
– Someone who understands the relationship I share with Ryan and is not threatened by it (in fact this is also a wish I have for the partner Ryan finds!)
– Someone who is as comfortable camping as he is in a luxury spa
– Someone who loves listening to live music and going to gigs
– Someone who loves doing what he is and has the potential to provide comfortably for us and our family
– Someone who understands my passion for life and provides me with the right type of anchor I need
– Someone who has his own sense of identity and hobbies
– Someone with the social skills to interact with the various walks of life I come in contact with
– Someone with similar interests to me so we can enjoy some hobbies together
– Someone who has an enterprising spirit and thinks big
– Someone whose MBTI is definitely a ‘N’
– Some taller than me in heels, who is fit and athletic
– Someone who makes me like the most awesome lady on earth
– Someone who understands he is exceptionally lucky to have me and my support behind him but also realises I feel exactly the same way about his support
– Someone not too cheesy, sappy or needy but yet someone who can share his feelings and give me the touch and the hugs I need
– Someone who realises that I do have some emotional baggage and will help me unpack it
– Someone who will share his emotional baggage and let me help him unpack it
– Someone my equal
– Someone who has a sense of rhythm
– Someone who enjoys sex
– Someone who is willing to push the boundaries and not care about conforming
– Someone who gets along with my friends and family
– Someone whose family I get along with
– Someone who wants to make an effort to understand my culture and country
– Someone who is keen to travel and explore the world with me
– Someone who is willing to work with me towards a life that could be fairly disruptive with my need to be in India and Ireland
– Someone within 2-3 years of my age (yeah, I am an agist, sorry!)
– Someone who truly makes me laugh and someone I can have fun with
– Someone who is willing to start a family with me (at some stage)
– Someone with a fantastic smile
– Someone I share fantastic chemistry with and can fall head over heels in love with
– Someone who showers me with the kind of attention I like- be it whisking me to great dates or surprising me with a fantastic meal and someone who keeps the relationship alive with me
– Someone who doesn’t make my friends (whether single or coupled up) feel like a third wheel in our company
– Someone who isn’t short-tempered or hot-tempered
– Someone who is as much an extension of me as he is his own identity
– Someone who makes me go weak in my knees (shallow me)
– Someone who spoons at night and doesn’t snore
– Someone who finds my quirks cute and encourages them
– Someone whose quirks I find cute
– Someone who is willing to try new things and constantly self develop

(Wow, I ask for A LOT!- ouch, is this why I think it’s me and isn’t this just the type of thinking I should be banning, oops!)

Don’t be self destructive

Forgive my body. Love my body. Shouldn’t manifest self blame.
I should lead the life I want (I actually do), live in a place I like (love where I am), be comfortable in my body (I adore my curves!) and even though my work is somewhat in a flux, I am the happiest I have ever been!

Declutter

This I have done- my life is definitely free to make space for my new role, a new person and I certainly know how to rearrange things to manage everything I want in my life. I have been busy de-cluttering certain people in my life too (remember, getting rid of the drainers…)

Take an Action

I have- I have applied for the sort of roles I would like to be considered for. So far, nothing really has bitten and the ones that have come close have fallen on the wayside because obviously the universe has something better for me.

I have started internet dating (and yes, DDT- it has been quite a project ;)), I did (even if I was arm twisted) go to a singles night, I have let my friends set me up on blind dates and so let’s see what the universe has to offer. I am lucky to have been in love 3 times, I am lucky to have the soulmates I do (Winnie, TSG, Ryan are definitely in this list- still evaluating Roark)

Feel

I know in her speech, Denise said “be in love before you are in love” but it’s not just about love, it’s about loving the work before you get that work, it’s about being on a holiday even before you book it!

One of the things that makes me feel great is fresh flowers and almost always I have a bunch of fresh flowers in my house- I absolutely love seeing them in my living room and it really makes me smile. I only ever wear underwear that makes me feel all woman and my wardrobe is almost all skirts and dresses for me to be more feminine. So I know I love myself and feel I am worthy of all I am getting.

For what started of as being a little introspection on my dating life and relationships, it ended up being a lot more- it’s quite the dump of my thoughts but you know what, i feel a change coming and I know it’s gonna be momentous and awesome. I am so excited that I am practically impatient- f*ck, practically, I am exceptionally impatient. There is a new chapter waiting to be written and I just cannot wait. BRING IT ON!

On a side note, the match today was upsetting to see the Irish team lose but fair play to the lads- they did their best and the fans were awesome. One of the things that really struck me was the fact that they didn’t care that we were losing, they believed. And when we lost, they didn’t feel the need to burn posters or cause riots or take to the streets in a violent manner. Dear Indian fans, please take note and learn.

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And the Rower rows

So have I done the right thing or not… I will never know… but tonight, the Rower and I decided to part ways. There were many reasons for it but the primary one being the ambition in me, the drive in me, the need in me to do what I want to do.

He found it difficult to understand how important my work in and how much pride I take in what I do.

His ‘S’ness is no match for my ‘N’ness.

Last night, I was thinking whether I wanted to give this a shot. Today, when I got into the car, I was 80% sure, I was gonna make a decision one way or another by the end of the fortnight and the opportunity presented itself today. I know I have hurt him. I know I am hurting. But both Tigger and I agree it was the right thing to do.

I am glad I had Rower’s support over the last few weeks. I am glad I met him. I am glad I was smitten once again- it had been ages since I was courted. I am glad we parted on a note where we will still be friends.

But, there is a part of me that wonders if there is a guy out there strong enough to be with me. The one I know can’t admit to being in love with me and yes, that was part of the reason I made the decision I did (I am a romantic fool) but that was not a deciding factor and either way, what I did needed to be done.

Onwards and Upwards, or so they say.

I am tender, world- emotionally, physically, spiritually- my aura has too many holes, I need some healing, I need some loving, I need to go back to being me- strong and vulnerable in equal doses.

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Iron Maiden

And no, I am not referring to the music band whose many a song I have covered in my yesteryears but to the nickname those close to me have given me for always being strong and always holding to my resolve.

The other day, however, a friend I have known for years saw me cry for the very first time- and he was the one who helped me understand how I was so completely out of my comfort zone! And well, I have discussed that a  bit over the past few weeks, especially since they have been exceptionally tough on me.

However, earlier today I stumbled across this quote and I so totally agree with it:

It’s now my time to let it all out and be supported- I have been strong for too long. This tree now needs support ‘cos the good old roots I had have gone weak 😦

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I got to thinking…

… of how cool life really is when I have a moment to stop and smell the roses…

And then I realised that the one thing I did miss about not blogging last month was my weekly achievements- so even though it seems forever, I am gonna try my best to pen them down:

Week ending October 4:

  • Managed to make time to understand certain external truths about my industry while being insanely busy at work
  • Went for a looooong walk around the block as I got stressed at work
  • Made a friend feel slightly better by just cooking some chicken, chips and beans!

Week ending Oct 11:

  • One of my friends who I turn to for advise every so often came down to visit me- he came all the way only to spend some time with me- how cool is that?! Made me ever so thankful for the little things in life
  • Met a very interesting serial entrepreneur
  • Spent an interesting week with a dog that drove me nuts- seriously- I don’t understand poodles but I got over my initial aversion and became friendly with it. Love dogs and animals but still… go me.

Week ending Oct 17:

  • Officially gave up on any life outside work- even stopped filling my daily calendar with certain information and lived on adrenalin
  • Fired the most number of people I have in a day- and then I went and cried a little- glad to know I haven’t become a corporate b!tch in a suit
  • Remembered certain key dates, despite everything- like Elethiomel’s birthday, Dusshera, talking to my family etc

Week ending October 24:

  • Managed to diffuse many a situation in the office before it got to head- politics is obviously in my blood!
  • Despite the lack of sleep, didn’t completely lose my temper with anyone
  • Had a great night out with some of the key business people in this world… was great to be back in the circuit, was great to meet new people, was great to catch up with old mates

Finally, the week just gone by- week ending Oct 31:

  • Wrote my first emotionally fuelled resignation letter but had the rational sense to not hand it in
  • Went for a short long walk while everyone was in the office and managed to switch off from work
  • Completed 2 months in my new job, completed a project successfully, completely realised that business and personal lives can indeed be intertwined, even if it ain’t ideal

Yes, it’s very work heavy but for the past 6 weeks, my life hasn’t had much else- I got legalised again and won the visa appeal, got the certificate to get my learner’s license, started really planning my Asia trip, “hired” one of my classmates that I admire and respect tremendously to help me during crunch time!

Key personal learnings from last month:

  • When upset, let the person know
  • When happy, celebrate- the bottles of champagne on Sunday night went down real smooth
  • When stressed, take time out- go for a walk, spend time with friends- even if for 10 mins, eat a meal on your own etc
  • When hungry, eat- simple as
  • When sad, cry- even if I feel ashamed, it feels good to deal with it
  • When leading, keep your composure- no matter how many doubts I had internally, I took a stand and dealt with it
  • When exhausted, call a time-out- one’s human after all.

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