Almost anytime one has tried to end a relationship without hurting the other party, the words “It’s not you, it’s me” have been used. I have used them, I have also been on the receiving end of them (if only the once) and in neither scenario does it feel nice to use those words.
The other day I got thinking and realised it was actually me. I was not JUST saying it- it was true. I was so scared to let myself go, I was so scared of depending on someone else, I was so scared of letting go of the past memories that the fault was in me- I was NOT ready.
And so, I took a step in a different direction– I went back to the thinking I had early last year- trying to show more of my femininity and the sort of woman a man I am with would appreciate (without compromising on any aspect of me!) and there were a lot of signs telling me a lot of things but I just needed to sit down, introspect and focus on me.
I started off by evaluating each aspect of my life:
– Family: fantastic family, doing well- at least my maternal side and I rarely am in contact with my paternal one
– Friends: couldn’t ask for a better bunch!
– etc. etc. etc. and stumbled upon a seminar that Denise had given a few months ago- now I know it focuses on soulmates, but the principles in it are so true for everything else.
Set a goal- be specific but leave room for manouver.
To have made the decision about a certain by the end of July and have started taking the required action. Additionally, there are some elements to my goal that I am unwilling to make public but there are very definitely clear in my head.
Make peace with the past.
This is something that has been coming up since December time in conversations. However, I loved the explanation Denise gave- forgive your parents, forgive your past, forgive those who have hurt you and forgive those you haven’t even thought about ‘cos it does no harm to forgive, it does a lot of good infact and it allows you to really move on, especially when you may not understand what’s holding you back!
In terms of love, I think I really need to forgive my teacher and my father- both have caused more pain than not. I have a lot of fantastic men to thank as well for having taught me that there are some amazing people out there but yeah, I do potentially need to really forgive those 2 gentlemen in particular, my mother for certain things she caught me while I was growing up (including the need to be an island) and heal myself.
And most importantly, I need to forgive myself and not constantly do the typically Irish thing of constantly putting myself down. I have a lot going for me- I love me.
List the qualities you want
You know, I came across my dreamboard the other day and this is what I described for my ideal role:
– An ‘N’ environment (MBTI description)
– A senior management entrepreneurial role
– A role that allows me to feel challenged and add real value
– A role that allows me the freedom to design my team, my day, my projects
– A role that affects the bottom line positively
– A certain salary (figure undisclosed)
– A role that allows me to travel a certain amount and mix pleasure with business
– A role that allows me to use my Indian-ness and Irish-ness to the best of my abilities
– A role that makes me jump out of bed everyday
– A role that I love
– An atmosphere that allows me to form strong relationships with my colleagues
– An atmosphere that strives towards learning, growth and sustainability
In terms of the qualities (or the mix of) I would like to have in my partner, the ones that come straight to my head are:
– Loving- not just of me and himself but in general of the people he cares about
– Intellectual- not just with his nose in books but to actually apply the learning, be able to have interesting conversations and form own opinions
– A go-getter
– Secure and confident
– Someone who doesn’t just think from his own perspective but of others too
– Someone who values me and my role in his life
– Someone with whom I share mutual trust, respect, loyalty, admiration
– Someone who inspires me to be the best I can be
– Someone who enjoys driving and knows how to drive
– Someone with a sense of style, who knows how to dress sharp and carry himself well
– Someone I can inspire to be the best he can be
– Someone who enjoys cuddling and watching a movie in as much as going out and having a good time in the nightclub or at parties
– Someone romantic
– Someone who will “protect” me
– Someone who will help me break down my walls
– Someone who understands my need for space but still is able to be there for me, in his own way
– Someone who can be cheesy enough to enjoy a dance in the moonlight and laugh at ourselves
– Someone who understands the relationship I share with Ryan and is not threatened by it (in fact this is also a wish I have for the partner Ryan finds!)
– Someone who is as comfortable camping as he is in a luxury spa
– Someone who loves listening to live music and going to gigs
– Someone who loves doing what he is and has the potential to provide comfortably for us and our family
– Someone who understands my passion for life and provides me with the right type of anchor I need
– Someone who has his own sense of identity and hobbies
– Someone with the social skills to interact with the various walks of life I come in contact with
– Someone with similar interests to me so we can enjoy some hobbies together
– Someone who has an enterprising spirit and thinks big
– Someone whose MBTI is definitely a ‘N’
– Some taller than me in heels, who is fit and athletic
– Someone who makes me like the most awesome lady on earth
– Someone who understands he is exceptionally lucky to have me and my support behind him but also realises I feel exactly the same way about his support
– Someone not too cheesy, sappy or needy but yet someone who can share his feelings and give me the touch and the hugs I need
– Someone who realises that I do have some emotional baggage and will help me unpack it
– Someone who will share his emotional baggage and let me help him unpack it
– Someone my equal
– Someone who has a sense of rhythm
– Someone who enjoys sex
– Someone who is willing to push the boundaries and not care about conforming
– Someone who gets along with my friends and family
– Someone whose family I get along with
– Someone who wants to make an effort to understand my culture and country
– Someone who is keen to travel and explore the world with me
– Someone who is willing to work with me towards a life that could be fairly disruptive with my need to be in India and Ireland
– Someone within 2-3 years of my age (yeah, I am an agist, sorry!)
– Someone who truly makes me laugh and someone I can have fun with
– Someone who is willing to start a family with me (at some stage)
– Someone with a fantastic smile
– Someone I share fantastic chemistry with and can fall head over heels in love with
– Someone who showers me with the kind of attention I like- be it whisking me to great dates or surprising me with a fantastic meal and someone who keeps the relationship alive with me
– Someone who doesn’t make my friends (whether single or coupled up) feel like a third wheel in our company
– Someone who isn’t short-tempered or hot-tempered
– Someone who is as much an extension of me as he is his own identity
– Someone who makes me go weak in my knees (shallow me)
– Someone who spoons at night and doesn’t snore
– Someone who finds my quirks cute and encourages them
– Someone whose quirks I find cute
– Someone who is willing to try new things and constantly self develop
(Wow, I ask for A LOT!- ouch, is this why I think it’s me and isn’t this just the type of thinking I should be banning, oops!)
Don’t be self destructive
Forgive my body. Love my body. Shouldn’t manifest self blame.
I should lead the life I want (I actually do), live in a place I like (love where I am), be comfortable in my body (I adore my curves!) and even though my work is somewhat in a flux, I am the happiest I have ever been!
This I have done- my life is definitely free to make space for my new role, a new person and I certainly know how to rearrange things to manage everything I want in my life. I have been busy de-cluttering certain people in my life too (remember, getting rid of the drainers…)
Take an Action
I have- I have applied for the sort of roles I would like to be considered for. So far, nothing really has bitten and the ones that have come close have fallen on the wayside because obviously the universe has something better for me.
I have started internet dating (and yes, DDT- it has been quite a project ;)), I did (even if I was arm twisted) go to a singles night, I have let my friends set me up on blind dates and so let’s see what the universe has to offer. I am lucky to have been in love 3 times, I am lucky to have the soulmates I do (Winnie, TSG, Ryan are definitely in this list- still evaluating Roark)
I know in her speech, Denise said “be in love before you are in love” but it’s not just about love, it’s about loving the work before you get that work, it’s about being on a holiday even before you book it!
One of the things that makes me feel great is fresh flowers and almost always I have a bunch of fresh flowers in my house- I absolutely love seeing them in my living room and it really makes me smile. I only ever wear underwear that makes me feel all woman and my wardrobe is almost all skirts and dresses for me to be more feminine. So I know I love myself and feel I am worthy of all I am getting.
For what started of as being a little introspection on my dating life and relationships, it ended up being a lot more- it’s quite the dump of my thoughts but you know what, i feel a change coming and I know it’s gonna be momentous and awesome. I am so excited that I am practically impatient- f*ck, practically, I am exceptionally impatient. There is a new chapter waiting to be written and I just cannot wait. BRING IT ON!
On a side note, the match today was upsetting to see the Irish team lose but fair play to the lads- they did their best and the fans were awesome. One of the things that really struck me was the fact that they didn’t care that we were losing, they believed. And when we lost, they didn’t feel the need to burn posters or cause riots or take to the streets in a violent manner. Dear Indian fans, please take note and learn.