Yeah, lose the fear.
Wise Wednesday Words x
Yeah, lose the fear.
Wise Wednesday Words x
We all know I love a spot of introspection every so often! I know looking back is never a good idea but I think there’s a difference in looking back to learn and staying in the past.
So I had a moment of clarity a few days ago- you gotta thank relaxing in Monart for this- there’s something about sitting and chilling yourself to have those hallelujah moments- stillness is where it’s at. In 2012, I declared myself to be more about me and putting myself first and doing things that I want to do. I still believe that decision and I still love the fact that when we can balance the difference between putting ourselves first and being selfish, it’s the right attitude to have. I do believe that though I said it in 2012, it’s only now I truly believe it!
A good few years ago I was convinced I should walk away from a situation, to some extent I did but I wasn’t willing to let go. So I stayed on. Today, I look back and realise I was not giving myself the self-respect I deserved and needed. I knew I had a lot of supports around me but I stayed on because I couldn’t imagine the change I would have to undergo if I broke free.
Down the line, a friend of mine is in a similar position and I am advising her to break free and not make the mistake I did. And she is scared. It’s only human nature- that’s why I didn’t do it. I do wonder how much we hold ourselves back because we are scared!
Here’s to me having learnt my lesson, realising my worth, standing up for myself and decloaking all the uselessness I used to carry. And here’s to everyone else taking that brave step forward.
Peace out x
A lot happens in a year- I truly believe this:
This time last year, I would have counted Tigger and Ryan as two of my closest friends, Candy & I were going through our own transition, I cared a fair amount more than I do about Chammiya, I didn’t really know Lady, I hadn’t met The Shrew.
However, more than that, I think I have finally understood why I hated 2012 as much as I did.
1. Of my trilogy of “best” friends, two of them were not there for me. The rocks and support I had were moved from under me and I felt my absolute core shift and me not understand it. I have always kept myself guarded in the past ‘cos of my dad- I let it down most to certain people and two of them used it to hurt me. And boy, they hurt me- not by getting together (I couldn’t be bothered by that) but by not realising that it affected my relationships with them individually. At no point, did they try to preserve the individual friendships we had but that’s the passion of a new relationship. At least they are happy. And hopefully soon, things will calm down a little. I do hope the image below always reminds me of the sort of romantic relationship I want and how I want to ensure my friendships remain unaffected so as not to be on this side of the scale.
2. I felt I was more like my dad than not and I didn’t like it. I had ended my downward relationship with TL and been made to feel guilty. I ended my downward business relationship with Ryan and the guilt in me wrecked me. I felt I had walked out on 2 people who expected more from me, who wanted more from me and to whom I couldn’t give. I broke ties the way my father did. TSG was awesome in making me realise how different I really am.
3. I was with Roark this time last year and kinda hopeful about it. This year, I have been with Red for over 2 months now, we are not in a relationship and we may never have a future but I feel more safe and secure with him than I have in the longest time. He gets me. I do hope we are given a chance to figure out “us” but then again, c’est la vie.
Last year, according to many friends I was stressed, I was wound up, I was scared, I came across unhappy and I truly lacked focus. I needed the year to build myself up. This year, everyone has seen a calmer sense in me- I have accepted my faults, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. I am stronger, I am softer and I am ready for the challenge that life throws my way- I have been lucky to have found some amazing people who have stepped in and decided to help me out. I am truly blessed. I am lucky. I have a fabulous life.
I also realised I have been second guessing everything, been looking for my father’s approval, been wanting to do it right and in the process, have gone against my instinct and therefore, ended up on a longer route to where I may have been going but hey, it’s finally beginning to get there- slow and steady eh? 😉
All my adult life, I have had a fear of not being independent, of depending on someone else and of not having complete control over my life.
I grew up thinking I could depend on certain people but my father (the biological dude, I mean) taught me I couldn’t. I took that to be gospel and built my life around myself and my bubble so it couldn’t be penetrated and I couldn’t be hurt.
However, everyone in my life asked me to bring down my barriers, let myself be free, let myself live, let myself depend. And slowly, I started- SL, Ryan, Winnie, mum, everyone around me- all of them pushed me to learn to trust, learn to depend and to understand that life is about communication and interdependence.
Slowly, I started opening up, sharing with my friends and turning to them, realising it was easier to trust again and open up and depend on others. But every time, and I mean, every single time, I seem to realise that there is a fine balance between dependence, interdependence and independence and I realise I am happiest in the latter- I know the status quo there but I realise I am not as strong anymore and I need some interdependence- lately I dream of falling, of falling and being caught- I want that trust, I want that support, I crave it.
So, how many people can you be you with?! Right now, I don’t know any 😥 Ok, that’s a lie- Daddy Long Legs, Freud both have taught me that but still… I feel alone, I feel lonely, I feel tired and I am scared. There, I said it- I am scared.
Apparently there are 15 things happy people do differently:
I know I am an eternal optimist, even if currently, my foundation has been slightly shaken, and so I am can’t help but evaluate each one of these- ‘cos after all, I like to believe, I am one of the happiest people around (at least in my own bubble ;))
1. I definitely have a lot of fear in me- the fear of so many things- the fear of letting my mother down, the fear of not achieving certain things I want to achieve, the fear of hurting people I care about yet I have a lot of love for the people around me- almost everything I do is motivated by love
2. I have learnt to not worry about things I can’t change and I suppose, in my own way, I define this as acceptance
3. I can forgive easy peasy- but I rarely forget and I know this is a huge thing but so far, I haven’t succeeded 😦 Someday I hope to learn
4. I trust those I really trust and once I trust, I am an open book unless I find reasons to not trust- the levels of trust may vary based on other circumstances too but for the most part, I only trust a very small circle of people- I believe in self preservation- I am not sure I have the energy and strength to go through the pain of being back stabbed ever again in my life
5. I am very ambitious- to me, my ambition is driven by the meaning it brings to my life so in this instance I am not sure of the difference between these two- to me, they are almost the same thing
6. I usually praise more than I criticise. I also realise I expect of others the same levels I expect of me- not a good thing, ‘cos I am setting myself up for failure- no one else. I need to stop finding the small things that bug me and truly enjoy the small things that make me smile- like a hug from my niece Anarkalli
7. I love challenges, I thrive on them- my current challenge is dealing with all the challenges that I am facing together
8. I am definitely not the most selfless person around but then I can’t think of anyone who is completely selfless- everything is driven by some sense of want or need and doesn’t that inherently mean some level of selfishness?
9. Despite my meagre income currently, I am abundantly surrounded by the love, laughter, friends that I really need- if my trip to India was anything to go by, I have learnt even more how lucky I truly am
10. Who defines our reality?! This is a discussion Roark and I seem to be having on a very regular basis these days as we both try to define our reality as a potential couple but yeah, in the meantime let’s keep dreaming
11. I believe I am considerate and this is my way of showing kindness- I may not give the homeless food but I like to believe I always have a nice word for the people I come across
12. I am very grateful for a lot of the things I have in my life- even if I do take some things for granted every so often! Thank you dear universe, once again, for all that I have- especially, my health- the past few scares have been well, very scary
13. I don’t always succeed in this instance- I often go too many steps forward in my own head, I go off tangents, I analyse the past, I think of all the potentials in the future and yeah, often I do enjoy the moment but at the moment, I am truly failing at this one
14. I am an optimist- no doubt here!
15. I do tend to blame (more often something within my myself than not) but still there is room for improvement here
Wow- if I make the changes I obviously can, I wonder how I will handle all this happiness! Hopefully, I will manage to improve on my weaknesses and spread more happiness, smiles and laughs in the world…
And I personally think, happier people hug more- they like hugs, they like showing the people around them they care and after all, hugs are therapeutic!
Here is another article re 15 things to give up to be happy– not sure I completely agree on all of them either but that’s for another day!
I think this should be the philosophy one lives by- about balancing! I suspect the workaholic in me needs a real break and though I hope to work less, I hope to achieve a lot more through the dreams, through better planning and through smart working!
Roll on 2012. SOOOOO excited!
Heheh- the title sounds so much more dramatic than I mean it to but it kinda fits…
On Friday, I decided to go to the cinema after ages and forgetting how busy Dublin is, I could only go for the Jennifer Aniston- Adam Sandler movie- ‘Just go with it’ or something like that. Perfect Friday night movie when one wants to sit back and laugh, chill, forget their brain but it was weird, it kinda made me re-open the thoughts of my relationship with certain friends in my life. And then today I saw ‘Eat, Pray, Love’- a pretty interesting concept, very badly executed, even Julia is not at her finest but it does remind me that I need to let go of my fear and open myself to love again, I need to get scraped again, it has been a long time. Yes, I am scared.
But why am I scared? I have the most awesome security net ever. I have a great family and some of the most amazing friends possible… they have always been there for me, they will always be there for me and they have wiped my tears in the past, covered my scars, healed my wounds, gotten drunk and everything else so why am I so scared of letting go and falling down again? Whats yet another broken bone, after so many already?!
Dear universe, please, give me the strength to open up to hurt again. I am ready or so I believe but something is holding me back, yet again. Please help me.