Tag Archives: Decisions

Choices, Changes, Cha-ching

Yup, I just went for alliteration in the title, sometimes playing with words is fun 😉

I am in an interesting situation at the moment- I have 2 exceptionally fantastic options and they both could lead me down the path I want to go- 1 is easier and makes me a fair bit of money, 2nd is tougher and keeps me saner. When put so plainly, the latter is obvious but there is a love for the former option because it allows me flexibility, gives me peace of mind and lets me move on to the next piece of work exceptionally easily. The point being that the next piece is unidentified as yet.

I have a very clear vision of where I want to be in 10 years time but that’s no good today as both the options could lead me down the path and both options could mess me along the way so it’s more about how I manage this situation than anything- I am at a crossroads, an exciting crossroads, probably the most exciting in my life and I have to make a decision that will impact every other aspect of my life… no pressure, eh?!

I am so glad I am in a position such as this and the issues in my life are down to how things make me feel… a few years ago I was in a minutely similar situation and at that time, I knew sanity was my only option. In this case, I suspect I have more- I just need to explore them all and the clock is ticking… 4pm today, which way will I head… decisions, decisions, decisions! Send me  powerful good luck vibes please 🙂 x

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Guilt, Be gone!

A few years I made a decision. A decision to put myself first.
This cascaded into minute impacts all over the place- they started off tiny but they were huge.
Some of these impacts I have been feeling guilty about… and some of the consequences I am not happy about, but that’s life and I understand it.

The longer I live, the longer I analyse the decisions I made:
– Was I right to move countries?
– Should I have said no to certain ideas?
– Would I be better off back in the corporate world that I left?
– Have I made the ethical decisions?
– Did I ever break my own values?

And yes, I made mistakes. Who doesn’t?
And yes, I wasted time following certain thoughts.
And yes, I let myself be influenced by factors that shouldn’t have influenced me.
And yes, I got to the point that I am at today.

A point in my life, where I am with a wonderful partner, a fantastic set of friends (many that I have known since I was 3/4), an amazing family despite all our faults, a great experience, financially debt free, able to take the holidays I want and enjoy most of what I need and yet, I worry myself with guilt.

FFS, Guilt, be gone. I am a happy person focusing on the right things in life and it’s time, I said goodbye to all things toxic- the past 3 years of cleansing has been good and I feel I might actually be at the cusp of a new inner revelation.

I love life. Especially  on evenings after god-knows-how-many-months that I have actually managed to paint my nails and sit with them in the air while doing nothing else, guilt-free. Whoop!

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Relations, Decisions, Ownership…

You know, life is a funny curve- no matter what, the other side seems greener! This is in no means an admission that you aren’t happy but maybe not always satisfied… I am in a really good place, life is fantastic and everything seems to be working out just the way I want it to AND I love it!

And then there are the tough decisions that no matter what the result, even if it what you want it to be, it doesn’t make for easy discussions or easy journeys to a decision. I somehow seem to be caught bang in the middle of three massive decisions, of which none is immediate so therefore tonnes of hypotheticals being built in one’s head and no real action as it is impossible to do so.

The decisions of owning certain assets together, the decisions of the right time to have kids, the decision to adopt kids, the decision of where to live, the decision of moving to different continents for one’s career, the decision to plan holidays around certain big events that mean a lot to one person, the decision to share the responsibility of a pet, the decisions that would potentially be easy when in the thick of things but tricky when you have time to think…

Oh for just a few moments I wish I was single and carefree but the support, the love, the laughter and mostly, the silliness, I will put up with this all this growing up jazz that gets thrown our way. 

Sigh!

Finding your kind of crazy

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May 12, Monday: Gratitude

1. Being loved
I have had a weekend of feeling totally spoilt and loved with Red- he made me feel like I was the only thing that mattered and just oh-so-special.

2. Decisions
Sometimes, one’s gotta make a decision and sometimes the decision is in not making a decision but each decision is a liberating feeling and I am glad I have it in me to make the hard calls and stand by them.

3. Pampering
Being pampered by my friends, by my family, by myself- we all like to be pampered and sometimes breakfast in bed is just what the doctor orders!

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And this is why we make those BIG changes!

have I questioned myself before making the change? Yes!
have I reprimanded myself for taking the unknown path? Yes!
have I regretted making the decisions I have made? No!
has it been worth it? Finally, when it all seems to falling into place, Yes!

Career and all- falling into place, check
Lovelife- falling into place, nope- broke up again last week
Travel- going everywhere, not quite
Everything else- getting there

All in all, doing pretty well- the changes were well worth it so you know what, go embrace that decision, scary and all as it is, ‘cos you only live once!

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Was it a mistake?!

The other day, I was out with another Indian friend of mine- smart cookie, pretty enough- even though she needs lessons on how to really carry herself and she tries too hard but either way, a lovely girl.

She is a few years older than me, married, has a gorgeous little daughter and works in a well-recognised outfit in Ireland. She seems to have played the cards well- she married a guy who is well below her intellect, who jumps to her every bidding and adores the ground she walks on. She had a daughter before the family pressure got too much. And now, she goes out “for work” about 4 times a week (we work 5 days in Ireland), parties most Fridays and Saturdays and all usually without her husband. We know who wears the trousers in that relationship.

Sometimes I wonder if I should SETTLE for that? Maybe if I had married TL, that would have been life- he would have been happy to have me on his arm when he needed and I could have had all the fun on the side. But to me, that IS so wrong. That’s not he way I define happiness but she seems happy and content with her life and doesn’t have the added pressures she has to deal with.

Today, while talking to one of my best mates, we were discussing his marriage, my engagement, our lives and all that we have been through in the past few years and sometimes I wonder, were the choices I made a mistake?!

Are the choices I am making now a mistake?!
How do you really know what would have the life like had you made the other choice?
How do you know when you have made the right choice?

For me, it’s the fact I can stare at myself in the mirror and know it was the right decision at the time. I hope I never have to shy from my own gaze ‘cos in the end, nothing else matters.

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Decision Made

I am taking back the right to MY happiness back from whoever took it. Simple as.

Today has been a tough day- when I am being told I am bullsh!tting, given out for correcting people when they have practically lied to me/ underperformed/ not done anything for the benefit of the organisation, the person giving out to me deserves to be shot especially since the person doesn’t know how to manage.

And when I am asked why I am so angry and I say “I told you yesterday”, the reaction is “you mean, this is about a dinner?” FFS- Not about dinner, YOU TWAT, it’s about the conversation I referred to. The one we need to have for me to carry on without affecting the business.

So I have made a decision, I have till Sunday evening to make this dinner happen- ideal day for me is Thursday in Dublin- somewhere quiet. Till then, I am not going into the office- I will go for the 2 meetings I have on Tuesday, 1 on Wednesday and then I am gonna feck off somewhere few can find me- somewhere I can relax, somewhere I can chill, somewhere I can get a walk, somewhere I can be me, somewhere I can try and feel better, somewhere where I don’t feel the need to kill someone.

And if the dinner has not happened till then, come Monday, I walk into the office and print a letter that I certainly don’t want to print in these circumstances.

This means I will potentially be homeless, a best-friend short, jobless, desperately sad but relieved and at the end of it all, happy.

Thank you Dr. F, you have done it again. I adores you.
Thank you all my friends who called me today- whether offering to come down to give me a hug/ take me out for dinner/ drive me somewhere else or those who offered to pay for a flight for me to wherever they were or those who called me to just hear me cry. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO very lucky to have the support and the people I have.

If 3 of my friends (and one of them is pretty impatient herself) who know I am not patient think I have shown the patience and restraint of a dozen saints, think I have been treated like scum, think I have been disrespected, think I have made the wrong decision and realise I am now at breaking point, I can only imagine how broken I must have sounded on the phone today.

I am not in a good spot- even breaking my engagement and having my whole life taken away, even seeing my horse die, even getting r@ped (sorry, I can’t spell it still), even knowing my father will never come back in my life has not made me realise how weak I truly am without contentment.

Dear world, dear angels, dear universe, dear friends- thank you for the strength so far but I am now very vulnerable and weak and need it more than ever- sorry about that- I promise to get better soon, I have made a decision and now I need to bide my time till either of the moves happen- it’s not been easy.

And now to plaster a smile and go on a “first” date with this runner I met recently.

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To stay or not to stay…

I am at that junction in life (AGAIN) where I am confused, disillusioned, cynical, depressed, peeved off and f*cking confused (yes, I said confused twice, deliberately).

I have NO idea where my life is going, I have NO clue what to do to get what I want, I have NO real love (yes, my family and friends rock but they are not always there for me and those that are, I feel terrible about using them so much constantly that I now feel alone), I have NO assets to speak of (big boobs don’t count!!!!), I have NO way of talking to my bestest friend cos he has NO time for me or anything else on this planet bar himself, I have NO plans about what’s happening next and I have NOTHING in my life going my way- AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

And no, it’s not hormonal.

Wish I knew what to decide, how to decide, I know what I want but I have NO clue how to get it all. I am tired, tired of trying to play games, tired of carrying the weight I carry on my shoulders, tired of being taken for granted, tired of being told I am useless, tired of having a happy mask on my face, tired of life. There are times I genuinely wish I was weak enough to give it all up and throw the towel in.

Baby steps- should I stay in my current job? should I stay in Dublin? should I stay in Ireland?

I got an awesome job offer- what a package, the benefits, the salary and all came up to almost half a million in a fairly decent currency- I could get the car, the house, the clothes, the gadgets, the lifestyle I wanted in a flash and I am pretty certain it would help in many other ways but the role and location didn’t excite me enough- turning it down was one of the most interesting conversations in my life.

Nothing is making me happy at the moment. Nothing! I feel like an utter failure.

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Filed under Management, My Day