Tag Archives: Thought

Thoughts…

I came across a diagram today that captures 2 of my favourite things- the anatomy of a thought and mindmaps 😉 Yeah, I am a GEEK and darn proud of it too!

At least I now understand why I find it so difficult to say what’s on my mind at times!

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Light at the end of tunnel?

Apparently the light has been switched off!

So much for hope.

Today certainly feels like there is NO light.

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Whoaaaa

I know I am tender and fragile but I didn’t realise how much till I just burst into tears tonight. I feel SO alone right now, it’s not funny.

I feel like a tree without any roots, a punching bag without any ceiling to hang from, a rock in an ocean with no sand to anchor on. I feel alone and desolate. I feel there is no one out there to just hold me and remind me things will get better.

Everything around me seems to be falling. Yes, my midas touch is working away but I also know it isn’t as effective as it can be and I suppose that’s irritating me.

I take pride in whatever I do, I am confident about myself and what the world holds in store for me but I wish I was happy- right now, there is a gap I can’t seem to figure out 😦

I also wonder how much of what I am feeling is because of the way I feel unappreciated and taken for granted, unintentionally- it all comes down to lack of communication but sure, one can’t force a conversation!

Another part of me wonders how much is it because we both are trying to find partners for ourselves and looking for someone who loves us more than we love each other. I need someone who understands the importance of Ryan in my life and loves me for who I am- and yes, I expect my partner to love me more than Ryan does and I expect him to be my support more than Ryan is. Similarly, I expect the same of Ryan’s partner. Yet I know this is a bug ask- obviously it will take time for someone to get to those levels but let’s be honest, one can judge potential pretty darn quickly!

All in all, I know my life is falling apart everywhere- I have no idea where I am going, I have no clue what’s happening with me, I am earning less than ever, I am worth less than ever, I have more responsibilities more than ever, I have more needs more than ever and so, yes, I am scared. I am scared sh!tless and I have no idea how to even start dealing with it.

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Laugh, Smile & Remember

 

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Life Story

Sometimes, pictures are better than words!

🙂 so beautiful.

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What a week!

I need to repeat, WHAT A WEEK!!

The past few days have been just insane. I have had about 10 hours sleep in the last 4 days, not really celebrated Diwali properly- even though Candy, Ryan and Stewie did make a wee bit of a fuss…

Last night, I broached the subject about making some changes in our team and Ryan agreed- phew. I had the sh!ttiest day yesterday and was very willing to just walk away from it all- darn my loyalty and my emotional involvement in this project. Would have happily left them all to make their mistakes and not correct the stuff they were doing wrong. Apparently while I was away, things went mental (I went to run some errands) and one of the girls stopped everyone and said “if we all do what J has said, it makes sense” and when someone mentioned it to me, it made me smile!

Despite everything, I suspect, I will someday, turn up and remember magical moments!

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When it rains, it pours!

It’s bleedin’ miserable out there- it’s been raining, everything is flooded and I am still in the office. It’s gone crazy!

And at almost 2 am, I am still alone in the office trying to solve issues! And now, it’s 4 and I haven’t even managed to finish writing this- I have at least 1 more hour’s work so I should be in bed for about 6 am 😉

Woohoo!

Anyhow, this kinda captures me:

Am I really a quitter for wanting to give up ‘cos I see that the one other person who needs to be thinking along my lines isn’t?

Am I quitting because of my own high standards or is it genuinely a hindrance to my growth?

Am I surviving ‘cos I am the one pushing and motivating myself?

Am I beating myself? Our today’s achievements alone a defining moment?? Or will next year really be defining, ‘cos if I stay it is because things will be more the way I want them to be and that would mean at least 25-30% growth…

Who knows what the future holds but it’s worth dreaming! I am glad to see the rain has kinda subsided- wonder when Rower will come down now- Tues or Wed :/ I kinda want him on both days! Is it soppy, smitten or just plain greedy?!

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When the tough snap

…they really snap. And today, I snapped. I haven’t felt as abused, as disrespected, as taken for granted as I did today.

I am beyond help- I broke, I have cried for hours, I have been helped by Curly and Ryan’s mum A LOT but I am very fragile and when I cant do what the right thing is, it hurts. I am making decisions that are not the best decisions knowing that and it doesn’t meet my value system, and certainly not those of the organisation either.

I really, truly wish someone would hold me and just let me cry- Ryan’s mother did and it helped but I was embarrassed especially since she knew how in the wrong he was!

These words just seem to have been written with today in mind for me. Hopefully I will wake up more optimistic tomorrow!

I am SO lucky I have the sense to realise what’s wrong and hopefully I can make the right decisions to curtail as much as I can and contain in as much as I can!

All, wish me luck before I end up saying something to someone that will make me regret it later!!! HAPPY DIWALI all- celebrate, eat sweets, light candles and most of all, be happy!

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Scream & wring

I wanna scream, I wanna wring a few necks, I wanna make a lot of changes and I feel I can’t. I want out.

Thank god for Rower- he is an absolute darling and it was really good to have him available for a long chat today. He is really kinda cute 😉

And there is no thought of the day that makes me feel better today but this one made me smile and I hope, eventually, I will look at the brighter side of things!

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Dream BIG!

Last night, I was surrounded by tonnes of high profile people, who think similarly, who are equally passionate about work and trying something new and the funny thing that bound everyone together was that each and everyone was unique and worth remembering, in their own way. Now I know everyone is unique and all but not everyone leaves an impression that leaves one in awe.

Last night, Ryan, Stewie and I celebrated a new record for us. We partied, we laughed, we talked, we hugged, we danced, we drank and we celebrated US. With the deadline looming so close by, it was absolutely epic to get the 3 of us together letting our hair down without any worries for a few hours.

And the thing about these celebrations, these people, this sense of ambition in the room is that they are all about one thing and that is they all….

So peeps, GO OUT & BE REMARKABLE!

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Life is weird

You know the situation I am currently in is pretty enviable- an amazing guy to date and another amazing guy who will eventually consciously realise he is in love with me yet I am as confused as can be!

And this quotation is pretty cute and certainly puts love in perspective 🙂

Enviably, I have weird compatibility with both yet am no closer to knowing what I should do!!

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Wonderful Wednesday

Have you ever been so tired, you are delirious with happiness?! And you go around just getting through the day to get a lot of other things dealt with than the most important ‘cos you actually can’t function sensibly enough and seem to constantly be chasing your tail!

Candy sent me an awesome text earlier telling me how I am doing great ‘cos she thought I could use the motivation- the sort of thing I used to do to Ryan 2 years ago. What goes around does come around eh?!

And so this Wednesday is absolutely wonderful and you know sometimes, as a photographer, I am sad that we can’t capture the moment on a photograph and this quote captures my thoughts much more articulately:

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Tired Tuesday

After a fabulous day in Dublin for numerous reasons:

  • got recognised by my country’s government for some of my achievements
  • spent a lovely evening baking with Rower and then just drifting to sleep while talking about death penalty, relationships, perspectives and other such meaningful topics
  • got away from the office and actually got a chance to breathe some air,

I am VERY tired and having been up since 730 am, my body is beginning to flay in energy yet I am in a good spot.

Bearing all this, this is a beautiful quote which really captures the essence of life:

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Manic Monday

Walked into the office to be attacked by one of the managers without ANY basis- day started on wrong foot- can’t wait to get a cuddle from Rower later! At least something to look forward to so here’s my thought of the day!

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