Ever been in a fight where you were scared of being beaten up?
Ever been in an argument so bad that the taxi driver wanted to call the cops for one’s safety?
Ever been in a scenario where one is so scared that it’s only some perverse sort of faith that lets you realise it’s a certain mix of words from others, anger, hurt, disdain and alcohol. Or is this love?
When it happened, I cried for ages and I knew the words he had said to me weren’t his but those of someone he had spent a long time talking to, the anger wasn’t directed at me per se but he needed to lash- all this made sense at a logical level yet it hurt, it hurt more than most things have in life. Through it, I cried to my friends, I re-evaluated certain people and their so-called motivation to help, I re-evaluated our whole relationship- trust me, this is tricky when you are trying to keep it hidden from the world beyond. I considered moving countries, I considered running away the way my father did, I considered many exit routes and knew none of them make me as happy as good day with Red. I would have survived, I would have found someone else eventually, I would have created a new circle of friends and a new life but I knew, I knew it wasn’t him. Logically I knew I had nothing to fear and emotionally I knew he would never hurt me, yet I was upset and I cried.
Recently the person who had instigated this kinda came back into the periphery of my life and once again, the wound was reopened. This time, it was way trickier as I was once again, having to put on a happy face and deal with it internally. Red and I have spoken about this in length since, he has understood the deep pain I was caused, the person who instigated it remains clueless and I have no intention of changing that but I wonder if this is what love is- despite the worst pain, you know the person doesn’t mean to hurt you, contrary to what it may look to the outside world. Or is this stupidity? I know we are in a much stronger place together as this situation could have risen again but we knew how to handle it much better this time. The fact that a previous hurt I had dealt with is coming back to haunt me is making me question things I was very content with and I am very confused about what I should be doing (again!).
I am SO confused- he is such a good person, he cares for me deeply, he makes me smile by just saying hey or making his presence known, he tells me when I am wrong, he inspires me to be a better and kinder person, makes me follow my dreams and shares his with me, takes advice off me and in all respects, we are a solid team but this deep, deep pain, which is technically not his fault, needs to be dealt with and I don’t know how!