The emotional vs logical scare

Ever been in a fight where you were scared of being beaten up?
Ever been in an argument so bad that the taxi driver wanted to call the cops for one’s safety?
Ever been in a scenario where one is so scared that it’s only some perverse sort of faith that lets you realise it’s a certain mix of words from others, anger, hurt, disdain and alcohol. Or is this love?

When it happened, I cried for ages and I knew the words he had said to me weren’t his but those of someone he had spent a long time talking to, the anger wasn’t directed at me per se but he needed to lash- all this made sense at a logical level yet it hurt, it hurt more than most things have in life. Through it, I cried to my friends, I re-evaluated certain people and their so-called motivation to help, I re-evaluated our whole relationship- trust me, this is tricky when you are trying to keep it hidden from the world beyond. I considered moving countries, I considered running away the way my father did, I considered many exit routes and knew none of them make me as happy as good day with Red. I would have survived, I would have found someone else eventually, I would have created a new circle of friends and a new life but I knew, I knew it wasn’t him. Logically I knew I had nothing to fear and emotionally I knew he would never hurt me, yet I was upset and I cried.

Recently the person who had instigated this kinda came back into the periphery of my life and once again, the wound was reopened. This time, it was way trickier as I was once again, having to put on a happy face and deal with it internally. Red and I have spoken about this in length since, he has understood the deep pain I was caused, the person who instigated it remains clueless and I have no intention of changing that but I wonder if this is what love is- despite the worst pain, you know the person doesn’t mean to hurt you, contrary to what it may look to the outside world. Or is this stupidity? I know we are in a much stronger place together as this situation could have risen again but we knew how to handle it much better this time. The fact that a previous hurt I had dealt with is coming back to haunt me is making me question things I was very content with and I am very confused about what I should be doing (again!).

I am SO confused- he is such a good person, he cares for me deeply, he makes me smile by just saying hey or making his presence known, he tells me when I am wrong, he inspires me to be a better and kinder person, makes me follow my dreams and shares his with me, takes advice off me and in all respects, we are a solid team but this deep, deep pain, which is technically not his fault, needs to be dealt with and I don’t know how!

Punch!

Somedays all one wants to do is remember the boxing days, don on some gloves and punch the sh!t out of a punching bag!
The one thing that keep it sane for me is the really good set of people around me to pick me up, guide me, help me, make me laugh and just the ones who also understand trust and loyalty along the same vein that I do.

The only thing stopping me from truly having a punching session is a recent conversation with a friend after almost a year. For us, that’s usual- we tend to do that. She has seen me through so much, known aspects of me that few others have (mostly due to the fact that she has known me so long), been there when I broke my heart each time, turned to me every time her heart was broken, advised me when I took a misstep, looked at me for guidance when things weren’t necessarily perfect for her… it has been about 4 years since we saw each other in person, but when we are in 2 different continents and travel patterns differ, it can be tricky to make paths cross! It is also a confirmation yet again that my gut tends to be right.

Her words to me made me feel great, happy and accepting of the life situation I am in currently- the good, the bad, the exceptionally ugly, the not so ugly, the stressing, the irritating and the fun and the challenging. Her belief in my ethical compass and morals has further grounded me in my journey of life.

Boom Crash.

The down after a heady day is terrible! I have NO reason for it- I almost got exactly what I wanted earlier today- in life, forget anything else and I still feel MEH.

I know one of the things affecting me is Ryan’s behaviour- he has in the past 8 days, in 2 different conversations, managed to accuse me of something I didn’t do, unlikely to do and instead of starting off by asking, he has just outright assumed the worst. I mean, my own best friend is supposed to know me better. I know it’s not personal and something else is behind this but the fact that I feel helpless about being the mate he potentially needs and I feel angry about these accusations is not nice.

But since that’s such a teeny weeny part of the rest of my life which is finally coming together the way I have envisioned it for years, if a lot slower and if with a lot of strategic change, I should be absolutely over the moon but I feel MEH.

Why oh why?!

In the past 4 years, I have reinvented myself 3 times. In the process I have given away a lot of myself and found a lot of myself. I have laughed, cried, started companies, dropped companies, accepted jobs & offers, rejected jobs & offers, understood my worth, questioned my value but at least realised what I want and who I am- I am the person who gives up money, fame, etc for the laugh I can have with my mates- not quite a waterslide but well… close enough 😉 I would rather a hammock.

No fury like a woman scorned!

You know, when people talk of women being scorned, it’s often in the context of romance but there are other aspects to our lives too.

Over the past few days, I have felt betrayed- VERY betrayed. And that to by someone VERY close to me. A part of me expected this behaviour and is not surprised, another part of me is VERY shocked.

However, the strategic is me had put a few things in motion and you know what, someone will regret crossing their path with me ALOT.

a VERY disappointed me!

Since I can’t…

SCREAM where I am, here goes-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

PS There is a small part of me delighted thoughts can’t kill ‘cos I would certainly be a few friends down today (1 whom I would have killed and others ‘cos they wouldn’t be associated with me after that act!)

One of those days where nothing goes my way!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

I just needed to let it out- especially since my throat doesn’t allow me too.

1. Being sick doesn’t help- no matter how much I sleep, how much I rest, I seem to wake up with a thumping body ache, fever and painful throat 😦

2. I am sick and I want someone around me and I had thought living as part of a family and not as housemates would mean that when I am sick, I have someone to look after me but… that’s just me expecting too much!

3. Issues in the office- sometimes dealing with them is more irritating than the issues themselves.

Seriously… WTF!

Who comes up with such ideas?!!!!

It certainly got the beach-goers attention all right but was it for the right reasons??

AAAAARGH- I am hopping mad at this!

While I am amused in my own bubble, Indians across the globe are upset!

So Joel Stein tried to do a humourous article in TIME magazine about his perception of how Indian culture had impacted his town- Edison in New Jersey, USA but somewhere along the line, the humour was lost!

The anger it has caused though is somewhat shocking in my opinion. However, I am just a bystander who is surprisingly able to see both sides of the coin but unable to comprehend either. I don’t see the humour (it’s his personal opinion!) but I don’t see the need for the outburst from the Indians either.

On that note, snooze, here, I come.