Tag Archives: Happiness

Wanna do this!

When the weather is so gorgeous in Dublin, this is what I really wanna do…

hammock boat

If only we could do it on the few good days of weather we have… or will we still need wetsuits?! 😉

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A 5 hour cuppa!

“So, let’s meet for a cup of tea” slowly becomes a lot of giggles, tonnes of laughter, honest chats, confessions, swapping of ideologies, one knows they have found a kindred spirit.

Today was one such day and I want to mark it, mark it for posterity about how wonderful a feeling it is to meet someone special, someone beautiful and someone so very genuine!

If there is one thing I believe in, for a strong foundation of friendships, these moments are important but they are better when they have been a long time coming… a friendship that sparks from the moment you meet is good but inseparables from point 0 fizzles as quickly as it starts and thus, I consider myself extremely lucky that it took us over 3 years, innumerable parties to have this beautiful one on one.

What a fab way to kick off this week! If this is what 2016 has in store, I am even more excited 🙂 x

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I re-emerged!

Tonight, I was out for dinner with 2 of my best friends- these are girls I have known for years, hugged, cried, partied with, laughed with, been in hospitals with (not all at the same time), etc etc etc- these are MY girls. I am VERY lucky that I have a lot of such girlies in my life 🙂

So we did our usual once every 4-6 week dinner catch up and it was, as always, delightful, too short and once again, we had to be removed from the premises because we lost track of time. Yup, even after marriages, babies and such, when we get together, it’s still a little silly (on club oranges too, I will have you know- it’s all the sugar from the fruit, I tells thee!!)

As we were talking, I somehow felt I have come out of a shell, after almost a good few years, I laughed and slagged the way I used to, I talked as much as I used to- I hadn’t realised how much I had changed till I felt like this again- whether it’s the moon, the time of the month, the friends, the mood I was in or just the decision I made last week but all in all, it’s a pretty awesome way to be and I love it.

I am so glad I am on such a high… the high of life… long may it continue xxx

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Boo yeah!

You know the crash after the high??
It’s usually horrible.
But what if it never comes? What if one has genuinely figured a way to just stay at an even keel that even the crash may cause you to be tired but you still feel a sense of calm and contentment?
I have reached that space- mental or whatever, I have. I dunno what this is called, I have no clue how I got here and scarily, I have no clue how to maintain this!!!!!!!

For now, I am gonna enjoy this feeling of pure satisfaction.

F*ck me, I love my life.

change perspective

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A wee pep me up!

Recently, I learnt a good trick to pep me up when I am beginning to dip after a high…

I think of 5 things that made me really happy in the last 24 hours:

1. Falling in love with my 3 day old brother’s kid
2. Making two MASSIVELY HUGE decisions for work
3. Identifying the director I want with me in my company
4. Celebrating good friendships over wine with two very good friends
5. Planning an animated movie Christmas night out with a friend followed by a mountain of food
6. Meeting an absolutely amazingly inspiring lady during work

How awesome a day was it?! 🙂

Here’s to celebrating the little things in life!

every day a chance

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Mov 10, Monday: Gratitude

Dry and Warm Weather
It is wet, windy, cold and I am definitely missing the sun and associated Vitamin D! I am grateful for the few dry, sunny days we get- please let there be more of them for me to appreciate.

Luxury
Went away for a weekend the other day and I realised that I have been spoilt to an extent I cannot appreciate luxury in it’s true sense and that, my dear friends, is proper luxury- I am grateful I have that.

Happiness
Been ages since I thanked happiness for being a part of my life- it does make everything so much more wonderful 🙂

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May 27, Tuesday: A Beautiful Moment

Do you know that feeling of achievement? That feeling of “YESSSSS”? That feeling of “This is it”?

I have been lucky to have had that feeling a good few times- I have had that when:
– I got selected for a certain sports team
– I got it when I got my first order
– I got it when I realised the power of being ethical
– I got it when I sold my first product
– I got it when I made someone happy
– I get it regularly as I recognise the small triumphs in every day life.. isn’t life wonderful? 🙂

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*RANT Alert* Overwhelmed…

… and I don’t know by what!

Why do I feel the way I do?! I truly wish I knew.

There are times I feel I am always trying to exceed my own already high expectations so much that I can’t deal with it… sometimes, I just break down and I cry.

I have had a most wonderful 48 or so hours- everything has been fabulous, good laughs, good friends, good exercise, good everything. I have had soulful conversations, brainstormed ideas, made progress on many deals and really connected with some people in my life. I have been a good friend, a good daughter, a good housemate, a good ‘boss’, a good manager, a good whatever I wanted to be.

And the best thing- everything I did, I did for me. I didn’t do anything with any expectation, with any sense of having but with a sense of wanting so then WHY, why am I sooooooo overwhelmed?! And why, am I feeling so tired, so depleted, so angry, so furious, so bereft of something?

I just don’t get it. Any explanations?!

Is it because I am trying to balance the act of wanting to go to a party, be in Galway and enjoy everything at the same time?
Is it because I am trying to organise food for a day and a half for myself when I have no time?
Is it because I am slightly furious that someone I requested a small thing from just couldn’t do it?
Is it because I sometimes feel just so bloody darned alone and lost?

Or is this that dreaded PMS they talk about?
Or is it possible to have post-natal-depression without even going through the 9 month journey?
Or is this just the down of having had such a good run?

Either way, please everyone send me a smile and a wish for all I want to be achieved. Thank you- I appreciate your support x

Lots of love.

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April 8, Tuesday: A Beautiful Moment

While I was parking my car outside my house today, a random gentleman came up to me and told me he always admires my car when he walks by it. For obvious reasons, it made me smile, feel good about my car and fall in love with it all over again.

Today, 3+ years on from having bought her, she still brings a smile to my face every time I see her, she still is a pleasure to drive and she still is my most prized material possession (along with my photography gear)- I am so glad I bought her when I did, despite all the naysayers, despite all the doubts, despite everything- she has been worth every moment of it and no matter how many more I spend with her, she will always remain the first set of wheels I ever bought for myself.

Thank you for the drives, Black Beauty!

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How do you know ‘It’s the one’?

You know, whenever I read fairytales, was told of love, it was as if you knew when it would be the one. I have never known. Maybe I haven’t found the one. Maybe I don’t believe in the one.

But I do know that for a good strong relationship, there is one really good sign and that is when one doesn’t have to explain or justify the other person’s methods/ moves/ comments etc.

When I was with JR- his not talking to me for 3 days- I explained it by saying he was busy.
When I was with TL- his lack of willingness to spend- I explained by claiming he earned in INR and me in EUR.
When I was with SL- his lack of wanting to fly to India- I explained through lack of funds- though he could go around South America!
See a pattern?
Not saying Red is the one but saying that being with Red has made me realise that love is truly about accepting the other person, completely unconditionally!

My tips for knowing you have a good one:
1. Acceptance
2. Respect
3. Pride- pride in showing them off
4. Happiness- their happiness increases your happiness.

be yourself

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Jan 5- Last Week

Monday, Dec 30- Gratitude:

– Gifts- I chose them well and I made people happy, I think
– My own bed- Nothing like a few nights in one’s own bed
– Happiness- never to be taken for granted!

Tuesday, Dec 31- A Beautiful Moment

Undoubtedly, drinking on the Pondicherry promenade from juice bottles and enjoying the fresh breeze and the fab moment of peace and pure, unadulterated fun!

Wednesday, Jan 1- The Future

The things I want to achieve this year come down to health, love, a better residence and business.

Thursday, Jan 2- Letter

To My Paternal Granny

I saw your pics at my cousin’s wedding recently and I realised how time has gone by- you have changed, you are now much older than I recall and yet, there is a certain inner peace about you- it is good, it is nice to see you happy. Many of my memories of you are just surviving while you moved from one son to another but since you moved on your own, you are happy and I hope everyone finds such peace and happiness in their lives, despite all the obstacles. In your own way, you taught me independence, the need to enjoy the odd sugar parantha with cream, the acceptance of a changed world and the need to constantly keep adapting. I see you rarely, I speak to you less than I should but in no way does this mean I love or respect any less. Thank you for being the influence that you are.

Love,
Joy.

Friday, Jan 3- The Week Gone By

– Cooked a 6 course dinner with Red for our friends
– Caught up on work that I had been postponing for a while…
– Balanced the sheets for the year gone by!

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Dec 29- Jumbo Post for Last Week

Dec 23: Gratitude:

– Savings- I managed to spend loads and save the aimed amount
– Love- tis the season
– Liver- read above

Dec 24: Moment:

My first Christmases- in India, in school, in Ireland, hosting, with Snoopy, with Ryan’s family, with friends at Ryan’s family and now added in, Red’s

Dec 26: Letter– read post below 😉

Dec 27: Week Gone By:

– Survived Christmas- think my presents went well and I was definitely spoilt by the ones I got!
– Got comfortable in Red’s family home to an extent where I didn’t constantly feel the need to be on guard.
– Got some major deadlines met despite all the obstacles!

Rant:

This article written by Brad Pitt really irked me- no woman is a reflection of her man- yes, her man and any other person in her life can affect her love and self confidence but herself is not a reflection of him but of how he may make her feel! At the end of the day, each person is an individual and so it should remain!!! Any one who thinks their happiness is dependent on another person, get a grip and anyone who thinks they hold the key to someone else’s happiness, come back down to earth- we are all responsible for our own happiness, we give others the power to make us happy- they don’t have it automatically!

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October 21 Monday: Gratitude

Ability to Talk
I gave a speech on Saturday about life and living, achieving dreams etc- was brilliant craic and even though I spoke for 50% the time I originally planned to, I had a great time and I think the crowd response was brilliant.

Friends
I am very very very lucky to have great friends and even luckier to have found some amazing new ones through Red. Was out with them over the weekend and they have all agreed to a teen-patti and Indian themed night to help with my homesickness! And the best bit- Red gets to host it 😉

Happiness
I am happy, genuinely happy. Scared of some decisions I am taking, nervously excited about what the future holds but happy. Sometimes, we forget how lucky we are.

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June 7 Monday: Gratitude

1. Happiness
Whether it is spending time with an old friend, whether it is reconnecting with a lost friend, whether it is sharing lunch with a new friend, whether it is having a laugh with good friends, whether it is a phone call from your family- being able to feel happy is pretty darn good and I love the fact that I can.

2. Romance
I am not the most romantic. I am not the couply sort but I enjoy my type of romance- be it silly giggles in the bed, a shared moment in a nightclub, a long hug to say bye, seeing a movie the other one really likes or whatever little thing that shows one cares. I may not be in a serious relationship and I know we are just having fun but that’s no reason to not care or not have some romance. The little things over the last few weeks have been really nice and brought many a smile to my face.

3. Friends
Connected to just about everything in my life- I love my friends, I am very lucky to have them, I am even luckier to be able to salvage the friendships when they reach a point where it could be a point of no return and I don’t ever want to take them for granted.

Thank you for everything in my life, dear World. It’s been a tough one but a fun & blessed one!

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A random act of kindness

Last year, I tried an experiment– many of you emailed me about it- I was overwhelmed as to how many people it reached.

This year, I am gonna urge you to watch this video. Remember, what goes around comes around- it’s karma.

BeIf we want to be the sort of people who are surrounded by other kind people, by other considerate people, by other fabulous people, we need to become one ourselves.

So peeps, stay awesome!

Much love, kindness and happiness to all.

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Captured in a cartoon

This is MY life- defined to the tee- I couldn’t have put it better, if I tried!

Happy & No Direction = Right Life

So So So So So So So True!

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Harry vs Tolkien

So, today I met up with Harry for a coffee- remember Harry from early 2011? He was interested, I wasn’t sure and then I knew I wanted nothing… well, we have kept in touch and we go for a coffee every so often and we are friendly- I am obviously a much closer friend of his than he is of mine and for some reason, he has NO concept of personal space- seriously, like, seriously- if we go to the cinema, I am huddled up in a corner usually ‘cos half his body is on my seat, he sits as if we are a couple and I move away and pretty much all my body language resents him implying/ wanting anything more than him as a mate.

But well, since Tolkien is being, well, difficult (even though he did text me at 9 am today!), I was evaluating the two extremes. With Tolkien, my body language is different- when we are in the cinema, we sit sorta into each other’s space, we are usually touching at some level when we are sitting together and pretty much both of our body languages imply a more-than-platonic connection.

With Harry- I will always be on a pedestal, I will always be looked after, I will have no craic, I will be bored but I will be worshipped!

With Tolkien- I will always be wondering, I will always have to fight my way, I will have fab craic, I doubt I could be bored but I will be content!

Being worshipped & bored vs being content & having the lolz- I think it’s a no brainer.

Be someone

With Harry, I am arguementative and I take controversial stances- just to get him to get out of his closemindedness.

With Tolkien, I am myself and I am happy. So if I follow the pic, I am happy and with someone who makes me happy so yeah, once again, no contest.

This is why I don’t settle- I know there are men like Tolkien out there- a rare breed but there nevertheless- will we be together- who knows? But as I said a few days ago- Tolkien has given me hope and made me believe that there is someone out there who meets my insane requirements and can make falling in love again a real possibility. And keep it easy, without the games!

PS Both men are NTs and one is willing to meet halfway, guess which one- shows how he is willing to change to be more like a man I would rather be with and still nowhere close!

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For the days that’s in it…

… these words are a good way to capture why some relationships change!

Be strong, believe in yourself and don’t settle for anything but the best ‘cos as L’Oreal says “You’re worth it”.

Also, till we don’t get rid of those we don’t need, we can’t add in those we do need! So, remember- cull! Be ruthless, be clear of your motivations and cull.

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Just some images to help capture my current feeling!

There are moments (and they are fleeting, fortunately- but strong, like the scorned moment earlier in the week) like these:

And since they are so quick and they pass me by so swiftly, I am almost constantly reminded of:

And the BEST bit about it all is I remember the value of the small things!

And I am so glad that despite everything, today I can truly say “I am happy” and I am glad I am enjoying the present as much as I am, ‘cos after the past few months, I am not sure what the future truly holds!

All I know, as Calvin keeps reminding me:

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Pass it on!

I am VERY keen to try an experiment- I don’t know how many of you will do it, but I would urge everyone to try their best.

I have a theory- a theory that makes logical, simple sense- if we all passed on a smile, an act of kindness, a cheerful word and didn’t focus on the negative and how it could be better, we would be happier and this would eventually lead to more harmony and peace amongst us all. So today, I want to try and make a change- a change that starts from you and me and I really, really, really urge you to help me here by spreading the word, please.

What I want you to do is go out and be kinder than usual- especially to a random stranger and do it not because I am requesting you but because of the sense of happiness and contentment you will feel… it’s really not that difficult- here are a few suggestions of what you could do.

And remember, the law of happiness and kindess states that “What goes around, comes around”

If you can share your stories with me (via email, twitter or blog), I would really, really, really appreciate it.

Thank you for being SO awesome and kind 🙂

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Green is my new Red

For those who know me, I have (for the longest period of my life) been synonymous with red- red shoes, red clothes, red bags, red lipstick, red, red, red- my wardrobe is practically ALL red- but over the past 12 months or so, I haven’t bought too many new red items- maybe a bathrobe, a pair of runners but that’s pretty much it.

What surprised me is when I was in India this time, looking at everything in the shops- there were some beautiful red prints- they looked fantastic, the cuts, the colours but I just didn’t want any of them for me. I mean, my mother thought I was unwell (she hadn’t taken me seriously when I had said it to her earlier that day- Geez, mothers!)

I think one of the primary reasons was I realised my personality is fairly strong and outspoken, the red only accentuated the alphaness and kinda took away from the lady I can be- demure, sophisticated. And I think, it’s just everywhere- earlier, it was a symbol of confidence but when everyone starts using it, it’s no fun- to redefine myself now!

(and we all know I am not short of courage and kinda like to stand out!)

Instead, I am constantly in awe of yellows, oranges, greens, mustards these days- is it called maturing up, do you think?! Or are those the new colours that make me happy? 😉

And talking of happiness and the post I wrote earlier today, this is pretty darn good advice!

Go on, people, dance in the rain, laugh with friends, play with babies, kiss the one you love, splash in a pool with a dog, travel an unexplored road, do whatever it is that makes you happy!

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Happy happy people!

Apparently there are 15 things happy people do differently:

I know I am an eternal optimist, even if currently, my foundation has been slightly shaken, and so I am can’t help but evaluate each one of these- ‘cos after all, I like to believe, I am one of the happiest people around (at least in my own bubble ;))

1. I definitely have a lot of fear in me- the fear of so many things- the fear of letting my mother down, the fear of not achieving certain things I want to achieve, the fear of hurting people I care about yet I have a lot of love for the people around me- almost everything I do is motivated by love
2. I have learnt to not worry about things I can’t change and I suppose, in my own way, I define this as acceptance
3. I can forgive easy peasy- but I rarely forget and I know this is a huge thing but so far, I haven’t succeeded 😦 Someday I hope to learn
4. I trust those I really trust and once I trust, I am an open book unless I find reasons to not trust- the levels of trust may vary based on other circumstances too but for the most part, I only trust a very small circle of people- I believe in self preservation- I am not sure I have the energy and strength to go through the pain of being back stabbed ever again in my life
5. I am very ambitious- to me, my ambition is driven by the meaning it brings to my life so in this instance I am not sure of the difference between these two- to me, they are almost the same thing
6. I usually praise more than I criticise. I also realise I expect of others the same levels I expect of me- not a good thing, ‘cos I am setting myself up for failure- no one else. I need to stop finding the small things that bug me and truly enjoy the small things that make me smile- like a hug from my niece Anarkalli
7. I love challenges, I thrive on them- my current challenge is dealing with all the challenges that I am facing together
8. I am definitely not the most selfless person around but then I can’t think of anyone who is completely selfless- everything is driven by some sense of want or need and doesn’t that inherently mean some level of selfishness?
9. Despite my meagre income currently, I am abundantly surrounded by the love, laughter, friends that I really need- if my trip to India was anything to go by, I have learnt even more how lucky I truly am
10. Who defines our reality?! This is a discussion Roark and I seem to be having on a very regular basis these days as we both try to define our reality as a potential couple but yeah, in the meantime let’s keep dreaming
11. I believe I am considerate and this is my way of showing kindness- I may not give the homeless food but I like to believe I always have a nice word for the people I come across
12. I am very grateful for a lot of the things I have in my life- even if I do take some things for granted every so often! Thank you dear universe, once again, for all that I have- especially, my health- the past few scares have been well, very scary
13. I don’t always succeed in this instance- I often go too many steps forward in my own head, I go off tangents, I analyse the past, I think of all the potentials in the future and yeah, often I do enjoy the moment but at the moment, I am truly failing at this one
14. I am an optimist- no doubt here!
15. I do tend to blame (more often something within my myself than not) but still there is room for improvement here

Wow- if I make the changes I obviously can, I wonder how I will handle all this happiness! Hopefully, I will manage to improve on my weaknesses and spread more happiness, smiles and laughs in the world…

And I personally think, happier people hug more- they like hugs, they like showing the people around them they care and after all, hugs are therapeutic!
Here is another article re 15 things to give up to be happy– not sure I completely agree on all of them either but that’s for another day!

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Create!

I came across this piece of advise today and it is absolutely freaking awesome (just like 2012 is gonna be!)

Maybe that’s what I have been doing wrong, in the process of creating myself, I have been trying to find answers to some of the traditional questions too- time to let go and re-create, ‘cos as the image below captures, we all have our canvas to claim!

And sometimes, the best way to make our lives a masterpiece is to just BE HAPPY! So here are some easy ways:

I find happiness in spending time with my foster family in their holiday home on the beach and so I am going there for the weekend, bring it on! A few hours cat nap and then a good few hours of TLC, pampering, laughs and time with people I love 🙂 This is the life.

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Brimming head!

My head is brimming with ideas, thoughts, issues, options, positives, negatives etc etc etc- however, I can’t seem to keep them for longer than a few seconds and certainly can’t seem to make any sense of it…

In any case, this is worth sharing- go be happy!

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‘You look pretty’

This week, I heard these words a fair bit- and not from guys trying to hit on me in a pub but from close mates of mine- Candy and TSG being two of them. These are people who are seeing me regularly, so coming from them, these words hold a special meaning and it’s obviously nice to be told I look pretty!

And then I caught up with old colleagues and they all said I look absolutely stunning and well.

Great ego boost 🙂

Now if only I knew what was it that made me look different:

– New makeup? Nothing has changed, except maybe I have become more adept at using it?
– Exercising and fresh air? Potentially!
– SATC life? Could be…
– Getting snuggled, licked and loved by a dog? Definitely one of the factors!
– City living?
– New business?
– Making peace about a certain decision (thanks Candy, I adore you!)
– Or, maybe ‘cos it’s 2012 and therefore, awesome?

Not sure what the reason is but if it gets me so many compliments, whatever it is, please don’t change hehe 😉

And on that note, I bid you goodnight. Sleep tight and sweet dreams, dear world! Love.

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5 rules to be happy

Here’s some rules to be happy! Go on, skip, hope, jump, dance- be happy!!

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Dreams for 2012

I have been meaning to write down all I want to achieve this year: here are some images!

1. The BIGGEST decision of my life potentially but one that makes me excited, tingly and happy 🙂

2. I know I look good but there is something about feeling good- inside and out. I have ignored yoga and my body for ages but this year, I want it to change. It is not just about turning heads when I walk in about doing a double-take everytime I catch a glimpse of me in the mirror! Too vain, perhaps but it’s what I want for me.

3. My blog name says it, my very ethos is about it and I really miss it. I cannot wait to go on a new adventure. I am hoping I don’t have too long a wait.

4. What’s the point of owning a beautiful car like mine if I don’t take it for an adventure- bring on summer, hood down, foot on accelerator and just a weekend of giggles, photography, chats, fun- boyfriend optional 😉 Well, to make it that bit more special, it would be nice to go with him!

5. Goes back to #1. When I start earning, I can start saving. It’s a vicious circle.

6. With the changes coming my way, with the roller-coaster I have been through in the past few months, with the decisions I have made in the past few years, I have forgotten myself- my values have remained, I have adapted but I have not always been honest to myself- this year, I find myself again.

Honestly, I am not even sure what this means but it sounds AWESOME and so I am somehow gonna define it this year for myself and make it happen!

And when I find myself, define magic for myself, I can be who I want to be- again. It is time to reinvent myself.

7. Have fun, live life, be happy

So what if this is my last moment on earth- as I have said, I would rather die doing something fun and memorable than sick and bored…

Part of finding myself is to accept myself too!

This means finding a different type of strength, maybe not so unladylike though:

AND confidence- the confidence to be me!

And now that I have begun the process of finding inner peace, I hope to always

8. While finding my new strengths, I shouldn’t forget the old ones in my life:

I am SO SO SO SO SO lucky to have the people I have in my life- thank you! If I am cranky, if I am tired, if I am insufferable over the next while- forgive me and keep giving me the strength!

And why wait to find a mistletoe… 😉

A hard call- I do know this is always tough to judge and very intangible but I really hope to achieve it the best I can:

9. Something small, something materialistic and something that makes me smile: I am going to own my own Loubotins by the end of 2012!

10. A full bar to me symbolises friends coming in, good times, the ability to afford the finer things and a sign of laughs and memories that have been shared and that will be created 🙂

And no point of drink, without some food, esp exotic food- nom nom nom!

11. I also want to read more, write more, see more plays, have more laughs, explore more and just let the year be the year of awesome!

2012: the year of living, the year of dreams and the year of living my dreams! 🙂

So…

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When I am dying…

This article on the most common things people think of while dying got me thinking about what I would like to say when I am on my deathbed:

– I achieved everything I really wanted to: In fairness, when I was 25, I said that one a call to my mother from Antarctica and recall saying “if I die now, I will die knowing I achieved what I was put on earth for”

– I am glad I worked so hard- it gave me a sense of fulfilment and allowed me to explore areas & boundaries I may not always have managed. However, I would like to be able to add: “I managed to strike a balance so I could also make time for all the things that I wanted to- time for myself, my friends, my family, my hobbies, my interests and the things that I wanted to achieve by working as hard I did”

– I was honest about my feelings- Yes, I know I keep some a secret and I perhaps always will- I don’t think anyone will ever know how deeply I truly felt about FL, or how much I actually detest the guy who took my innocence away, or how hurt I was when my father walked away or so many other instances but when it affects someone else or someone can do something about it, I usually do share what’s on my mind- good, bad and the ugly!

– I always made time for what was important to me- my friends, my family- see #2. I was wholesome- whatever I did, I gave it my all- be it hanging out with friends, nurturing my family, looking after my adults etc etc etc

– I stopped doing anything that made me unhappy- I quit a job I was brilliant at, I broke a perfectly good relationship (actually 2 of them- SL and TL), I walked away from a company I totally love (Well, about to), I stopped meeting friends I didn’t want to be with and so many other example

So far, I have traversed the roads that I have and amde the decisions I have made for my happiness which allow me to keep most of the regrets people have away from my life- here’s hoping I succeed. I want to be remembered for my smile, my optimism, my zest for life, my need to always do something different and my ability to always and always be wholesome & honest.

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:) Home is where one can smile

Walking into this every morning makes my day!

My living room, my office for the next while, my home.

Thank you Candy for finding us a great spot and for adding so many colours to the picture below, for the memories we already have here- be it sparkly reindeer or peppercorn dinners or pasta bake or for the memories we are gonna create 🙂

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Be Happy

After my last rant, I need to go to bed on a more positive note and so here’s a few fabulous tips to be happy!

I am gonna incorporate some of these in 2012 dream board (better start working on it NOW!)

By stepping back into somewhat of a comfort zone, I think I will be happier again 🙂 Bring on the next challenge- I am ready for it (well, after I get a weekend of only sleeping ;))

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Decision Made

I am taking back the right to MY happiness back from whoever took it. Simple as.

Today has been a tough day- when I am being told I am bullsh!tting, given out for correcting people when they have practically lied to me/ underperformed/ not done anything for the benefit of the organisation, the person giving out to me deserves to be shot especially since the person doesn’t know how to manage.

And when I am asked why I am so angry and I say “I told you yesterday”, the reaction is “you mean, this is about a dinner?” FFS- Not about dinner, YOU TWAT, it’s about the conversation I referred to. The one we need to have for me to carry on without affecting the business.

So I have made a decision, I have till Sunday evening to make this dinner happen- ideal day for me is Thursday in Dublin- somewhere quiet. Till then, I am not going into the office- I will go for the 2 meetings I have on Tuesday, 1 on Wednesday and then I am gonna feck off somewhere few can find me- somewhere I can relax, somewhere I can chill, somewhere I can get a walk, somewhere I can be me, somewhere I can try and feel better, somewhere where I don’t feel the need to kill someone.

And if the dinner has not happened till then, come Monday, I walk into the office and print a letter that I certainly don’t want to print in these circumstances.

This means I will potentially be homeless, a best-friend short, jobless, desperately sad but relieved and at the end of it all, happy.

Thank you Dr. F, you have done it again. I adores you.
Thank you all my friends who called me today- whether offering to come down to give me a hug/ take me out for dinner/ drive me somewhere else or those who offered to pay for a flight for me to wherever they were or those who called me to just hear me cry. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO very lucky to have the support and the people I have.

If 3 of my friends (and one of them is pretty impatient herself) who know I am not patient think I have shown the patience and restraint of a dozen saints, think I have been treated like scum, think I have been disrespected, think I have made the wrong decision and realise I am now at breaking point, I can only imagine how broken I must have sounded on the phone today.

I am not in a good spot- even breaking my engagement and having my whole life taken away, even seeing my horse die, even getting r@ped (sorry, I can’t spell it still), even knowing my father will never come back in my life has not made me realise how weak I truly am without contentment.

Dear world, dear angels, dear universe, dear friends- thank you for the strength so far but I am now very vulnerable and weak and need it more than ever- sorry about that- I promise to get better soon, I have made a decision and now I need to bide my time till either of the moves happen- it’s not been easy.

And now to plaster a smile and go on a “first” date with this runner I met recently.

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An Unexpected Call

Earlier today, I was sitting and enjoying a movie at home, doing some work, flirting on text with a couple of different guys and just planning a few different things in my life…

I finally managed to speak to my oldest mate- not old in age but the one I have known for the longest time of my life! It was good to take stock with her, she knows me better than anyone else, she sees things I don’t see, she takes me for who I am and she is the one person who has truly taught me the value, the truth, the beauty of unconditional love.

And then I spoke to my closest mate. It was nice talking to him, even if only for about 20 mins, it was good to talk and have his attention. I miss the conversations we used to have and I think he does too. He agreed with a lot of different things on my plate and made some points that I had been trying to get him to see for the past while.

I commented saying it’s weird he and I were thinking alike and he thought it was an odd comment since “we always think alike”- I had forgotten that about us and I kinda let it slip that I have more of a conversation in store, face to face.

There was no plan for us to talk, I thought he was doing many things and so I didn’t expect to see him till Sunday night and maybe only have a very boringly polite conversation.

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6 in 6 days!

This is a NEW record for me- I have always been head-hunted, I have always had opportunities come my way but in the last 6 working days, I have had 6 job offers!

Almost all of them have been very enticing, very exciting, very tempting. I have been thinking about it alot and decided to try and identify what is it that I love so much about what’s on offer and what I have so here goes:

On Offer:

  • An opportunity to make my own team- in most cases, I will have 1 or 2 old people but need to bring in other talent as I deem fit
  • Money- not just the money but the expense account, the options to spend and get the lifestyle I need
  • Travel- all offer me an expat package of X trips to India (and the ones not in Ireland are even willing to thrown in a trip to Ireland annually!!!!!)
  • Intelligence- the roles are tough but the people I will be with will have intelligence
  • Assistant- I need one. Simple as. No doubts.
  • Structures- I usually dislike these but I do see the need to have certain structures, reviews, documents etc to udnerstand what’s happening
  • Not living in the Urgent land- The idea of pre-planning is something I embrace
  • Company- I am not a lone wolf
  • Support- Interesting networking opportunities, interesting people to meet etc
  • Did I mention BRAINS? And I don’t mean the ones zombies look for!
  • Financial responsibility- not budgets etc but when who gets paid etc- the actual process

What I love here:

  • Freedom- I come and go as I please. This does me feel guilty and I track to do about 80 hours of work a week- double of what I am technically supposed to
  • Opportunity- there is so much growth possible, there are so many things we can do but we need to plan and get the right team together and I am finding it tough to do that- when the coach you have hired doesn’t think one has the right team, you know you are in trouble
  • Responsibility- I have an awesome scope- I can do what I want, the lack of some structure (for lack of better word) upsets me to some extent but the rest is pretty darn awesome
  • Living my dream- I can actually see the dream life in my head unfold if certain things go as I imagine they should/ will
  • Emotional attachment- this is MY baby- Ryan may have done the initial hardwork and all- he carried the baby for the gestation period but when it was time to change the nappies, wake up to feed it and do all the dirty work, I was in there with the sleeves rolled up. He may not admit it, but I had a huge part of the decision and achievements wracked up by this organisaton even before I came in full-time. Just when the baby is beginning to start walking, it would be wrong of me to not be there to make sure the gates are closed, the stairs padded yet show the baby the path it needs to go down ‘cos watch out world, we are gonna rule the roost and beyond!
  • Pride- No one and I mean no one else can do what I am doing in the organisation- not someone new, not Ryan, not any of the current team, no one- a lot of factors work towards this realisation. Not saying I am not replaceable- just as easily can be but no one can else get the organisation to perform the way I can, partly cos of the visions I have and the way Ryan and I think and are linked.

However, it’s weird when I was writing the good, a lot of the negative points came up too and I feel, I just do, I need to pen it down:

  • I am unhappy- unhappy not ‘cos I am doing something I don’t want to but ‘cos I care and I am doing something I want yet I have a sh!t team- I change any words I might have said in the past- wipe them all out and let’s start afresh. The organisation has grown, they have been asked to grow and they are not growing the way they need to- I am beginning to wonder if they have the capacity to?!
  • I have NO support- as a friend or as a colleague- if I open my mouth- I am apparently being too chatty, being too whingy, being too sulky or being too judgemental- f*ck you all. And this article helps me realise even more that I am not going completely insane.
  • Almost every time I have an idea, it’s dismissed and then fed back to me a few days later- sometimes I feel its a power play but most of the time, I think it takes that long for him to assimilate the idea and by the time he does, he forgets where it came from and then wonders why I have no original thoughts
  • I feel guilty if I am not working every single moment
  • I can’t afford the life I want- I came here for 3 months and am still here 13 months later and have nothing to show for it
  • I can’t implement the changes I want, I can’t base the office in a place that makes sense (tacit knowledge/ hub/ proximity/ safety), I can’t make decisions
  • I don’t have certain powers I want- I will always remain ready to fly till I have that security and till I know I have it cos I have earned it- Crystal, Ryan, Spartacus telling me they will look after me no matter what is not the security I can live with
  • I HATE, HATE, HATE the official title I have- it’s missing the most important aspect about my role- the aspect I love and the very aspect I do least of
  • I really dislike not being a team in the office and the lack of communication we have- telepathy has it’s limitations
  • I don’t like the fact that Ryan’s loyalty doesn’t allow me to hold people as accountable as I would like
  • I don’t like that Ryan feels he is above everything and be excluded form procedures
  • I don’t like the fact that I seem to be constantly picking up Ryan’s sh!t and he doesn’t realise that- how long does toilet training really take?!
  • Lack of intelligence- I am tired of talking to myself, I crave human interaction.
  • Lack of meeting new people- I get ideas, perspectives, thoughts from interactions and not from reading or lectures- at the end of the day, a coffee is so much more fruitful
  • I feel I am constantly banging my head against a wall
  • I know I am constantly banging my head against a wall
  • My ‘team’ can’t perform and I am constantly doing things to make their targets achievable without anyone else knowing to project them in a good light but how long can I run myself this thin?

Sorry about this peeps, what started off as a WOW moment ended up as a rant- if I told my mother today that she may have an unemployed daughter on her hands today, things must be bad.

I wrote Ryan a card asking for time and undivided attention and then I chickened and removed it ‘cos of the day he has had- see, I protect him constantly- the best friend, the mate, the love in me can’t hurt him even for his own good yet a part of me is hurting and crying for attention- sitting in the same room for 2 hours with 5 mins of chatting helped me feel it’s all ok even if it’s a false sense of security- at the end of the day, I want simple things and happiness and contentment- I want my dreams to come true, I want to have the relationship I deserve, I want to lead the organisation to heights it deserves to go to, I want to support my mother in a lifestyle she deserves, I want to look after my aunts and uncles, I want to be able to go on the holidays I need to just survive- I am considering a sun day for Gawd’s sake, I want to be able to buy a magazine without wondering if I can afford it if that’s what I choose to do, I want to laugh, I want to smile, I want to be the person I always imagined I will be, I want to be able to buy the €1000 pair of shoes I am drooling over ‘cos I will appreciate them and want them, I want to be able to get the handbag I actually need and not settle for something sub-par cos it’s in my budget, I want the house I planned years ago.

I don’t have high expectations of me, do I? 😉

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It’s all about the people!

So a few days ago, I was talking of a mini hub that power couples form, and here’s an example of a lady who has her mini hub with her partner and few other individuals who she uses as sounding boards, as feedback generators and confidantes.

At the end of the day, you are the sum of the people you hang out most with! And that’s why I choose people with drive and ambition to achieve happiness and success in their own lives, people who think differently to me yet respect my opinion, people who have their own lives yet balance making time for the important things in their lives (ie friends and certain activities), people who think big, people who imagine, people who live and not just survive.

So today, think about who you surround yourself with? Because that could be the limiting factor in your success!

PS Does this mean I need to purge a few relationships?! Hmmmm…. food for thought!

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This is why I am a workaholic!

‎"Are you bored with life? 
Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all 
your heart, live for it, die for it, 
and you will find happiness 
that you had thought could never be yours"
-Dale Carnegie

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Loving myself.

You know, the other day I came across an interesting blogpost written by a friend of another fellow Indo-Irish. My friend thinks this lady is quite something- and that’s saying something since she hasn’t seen Denise in almost a decade.

This same friend introduced me to a beautiful Indian actress– well, not literally, even though apparently she does know her but she downplays it so I really don’t know but, I was introduced to her in a movie called Monsoon Wedding. Today, I saw her support another real cool Indian actress who has a certain panache in yet another movie that seems to capture my life- Turning 30.

Things over the past few days have made me question a few aspects of my own life:

  • Why do I feel I have entitled to get upset about Ryan’s women? Well, simple- I care about him, I care about him not as business partner, not as a colleague, not as a housemate but mostly as a friend- a best friend who always hated (and still does hate) seeing people waste their potential. I have always found this to be the biggest issue with anyone and the fact that my own best friends, one of those people who I have on a pedestal because they are such amazingly, awesome people and when they completely waste this awesomeness, I feel sad. And so, yes, when Ryan manages to sniff out yet another manipulative b!tch (he has a knack, trust me on it), it upsets me, not just because of the fact he is wasting his potential and time but because of who he becomes around them.
  • Tigger is happily in love and it makes me really happy. She is a tough cookie but like me, she has a very soft interior. And like me, she is high maintenance but the thing is we are high maintenance on ourselves- we have high standards, yes but we maintain our needs ourselves- it’s not like we need loves to complete us, we need it to further enrich our brilliant lives.
  • Spartacus, Crystal and Winnie are busy leading the busiest lives but they are so happy and excited about everything that it is very infectious and I love it that they are satisfied.
  • My moment of realising some home-truths about me- I have VERY high standards and I am my own worst critic so even though this is my year, I am still notfulfiling my own emotional needs and so I have decided:
    • I am going to pamper myself more- going to a spa for a 3 hour long session tomorrow- to be repeated as and when my soul needs it
    • I am not going to eat better- not always healthier and not always a diet of chocolate but what works (moderately) for my soul
    • I am going to meditate more often- because when I do meditate, I feel better and when I feel better, my soul feels better

So basically, the year about me is becoming a little clearer- it is as Denise said, about self love. I live in a fantastic house, I drive a fabulous car (I am in love with her, did I mention), I work in a great organisation, I have the most amazing friends to surround me, I am a part of a bl**dy brilliant family and I am not having any moments that make me want to change my life- all in all, it is pretty brilliant but there is a part of me that’s feeling unfulfilled- that keeps going back to the past- to my parents, to that b@stard who called himself my teacher, to the things that for some reason that hold me back. I need to get back that feeling of contentment that is my mojo.

I know there is a future, I know things are going to work out the way I want, I mean I have managed 2 of my 3 goals I discussed with Dr. F 7 years ago! I also know it’s the final one that will actually make things a lot better but I also know I have to bide my time and wait for it to come.

Such drama- maybe a publisher will come to me as they did to Gul Panag and ask me to write a book too- after all, I am almost 30!

Things have changed for me, the past few years have been tumultous, I have been trying to deal with my broken relationships, with juggling many men at the same time, with putting on a smile on my face when I don’t want to. Maybe it is time for me to start over because risky as it is, it also is exciting- it allows for a new beginning.

Time to go shopping so? 😉 maybe my soul needs it hehhe- oooh, I can see me using my soul’s needs for SO many things because after all, 2011 is the year about me and my soul.

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