Category Archives: Family

Encased

There are moments… when out of the blue… I feel so warm, cosy and fuzzy. It is not because someone wrapped me in a blanket or because someone did something for me but it is a sense of security in knowing you are surrounded by a massive amount of love and there’s nothing that can penetrate that amazing layer.

I am in a genuinely enviable position to be with a man who doesn’t have me on a pedestal and he ain’t on one either (unless it is to change a frigging bulb) but a man who recognises me as an equal, who respects me for who I am, who does little things to make me smile and big things to get a rise out of me, who may not always understand my point of view but always empathises with me, a man who truly wants to look after me knowing full well that that is exactly what I want to do for him.

I haven’t seen him in a few days. When I am sick and tired as I am, it feels like a lifetime. Yet, I go to bed knowing I am a very lucky lady to have my friends, my family and Red.

I hope you feel as secure, content and loved and know the feeling I am trying to capture in words. Good night x

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Dear Mammy

It’s Mother’s Day in Ireland today. One of the reasons I have always loved the fact that they are different in India and Ireland is I have 2 mothers- one in India and one in Ireland.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, my Irish Mammy and I are no longer in touch and haven’t spoken in months. I understand and appreciate her predicament even if I feel a little upset about her stance but so were my deeds at least as she is to perceive them.

I do miss her. And especially today, I would like to let her know she is loved, appreciated and cared for by me, no matter what. A beautiful lady, inside and out, she taught me about being genuine, considerate and calm in a way very different to my mum.

Love you mammy, here’s wishing you a very Happy Mother’s Day.
Xx

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We all have wings…

The other day I was chatting to my granny and she reminded me of the one thing she wants from me, she has been saying this for a decade and I have come close to being able to give it to her in the past but never quite managed it and of course, someday I hope to but it has to work for me too as it affects me greatly.

Somehow, this image below reminded me of that conversation:

shadow angel

Don’t focus on the burden that something may cause you, look at the wings it provides and take positive energy from it! Let everything lift you above and above and above till you can soar and reach the goal.

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Strength!

It’s 14 years- 14 years of life without a father and I am very lucky
– very lucky to not have someone around me who would have tried to control my life
– very lucky to not be around someone with antiquated thinking, despite his intelligence
– very lucky to have so many other male role models who stepped forward

I know I am lucky but in no way does it make it easier.

There are two people you expect to always support you, to always be there, to envelop you with a bear hug, to pick you up when you are down, to unconditionally love you- your mum and dad. Every one else is someone you choose to give that power to.

I have dealt with it, I have the power to get on with life and I have overcome every situation it has placed in my path, but I miss him.

I don’t miss a father, I miss dad. And for all intents and purposes, he is dead to me but wherever he is- I wish him well, I hope he is at peace and at least, somewhere deep down he found the feeling of contentment he was looking for.

girl and flowers

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Jul 22, Tuesday: A Beautiful Moment

Yesterday, friends and I were talking of pets and I was reminded of a moment with my first dog ever.

We were out playing one evening as we did almost every day- rain, sunshine, wind- nothing stopped us going out (much to the adults’ frustration!). It was during the  monsoons and there were frogs EVERYWHERE! The dog being curious, decided to eat a frog- in reality, she only swallowed it. The memory of her retching up a few minutes ago is not very pretty but the look of confusion on her face, the look of amazement of my friends and me is something I would never forget- ‘cos as she was throwing up, the frog came out and leaped away as if nothing had happened.

Some 20+ years on, I still wonder if that scarred the poor frog for life!

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Re-prioritising….

You know the biggest advantage of writing my weekly person is in actually counting the people in my head I think of writing of and latching on to the one I haven’t written of- sometimes, I use people who are on my mind because I have had some recent interaction with them.

Sometimes, I avoid writing of some people even when I have thought of them because I realise there are no longer important to me- call it being selfish, bold or whatever but in the past 2 years, I have switched my life completely, some people were part of the ride just because, some people forced me to get on the ride and some people have supported me through it.

The past 2 years have been a tumble in many ways, have taught me about life and people more than I could have ever imagined and truly taught me the value of karma and forgiveness. I have seen it do it’s ‘thang’.

I am definitely a better person today than I was two years ago- albeit short of a lot of sleep and more stressed and panicked. I am also definitely a stronger human being than I was two years ago- mostly because of people like my mother, her partner, Red, Winnie, Shrew. I am most definitely more confident- if that were even possible. AND most importantly, I am definitely happier than I was two years ago- 2012 was and remains one of the worst years of my life but I am glad I went through it and I am so glad I endured it and stuck it through.

My priorities over the past few years have changed.
The people I care about over the past few years have changed.
I am glad my value system over the past few years has remained.

For all of you out there facing your tough times, hang in there.
For all of you who have made it through, well done you.
For all of you who will face it, never lose faith in yourself and the wonder that is life.

Love to all.

worst thing could be the best thing

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Jan 5- Last Week

Monday, Dec 30- Gratitude:

– Gifts- I chose them well and I made people happy, I think
– My own bed- Nothing like a few nights in one’s own bed
– Happiness- never to be taken for granted!

Tuesday, Dec 31- A Beautiful Moment

Undoubtedly, drinking on the Pondicherry promenade from juice bottles and enjoying the fresh breeze and the fab moment of peace and pure, unadulterated fun!

Wednesday, Jan 1- The Future

The things I want to achieve this year come down to health, love, a better residence and business.

Thursday, Jan 2- Letter

To My Paternal Granny

I saw your pics at my cousin’s wedding recently and I realised how time has gone by- you have changed, you are now much older than I recall and yet, there is a certain inner peace about you- it is good, it is nice to see you happy. Many of my memories of you are just surviving while you moved from one son to another but since you moved on your own, you are happy and I hope everyone finds such peace and happiness in their lives, despite all the obstacles. In your own way, you taught me independence, the need to enjoy the odd sugar parantha with cream, the acceptance of a changed world and the need to constantly keep adapting. I see you rarely, I speak to you less than I should but in no way does this mean I love or respect any less. Thank you for being the influence that you are.

Love,
Joy.

Friday, Jan 3- The Week Gone By

– Cooked a 6 course dinner with Red for our friends
– Caught up on work that I had been postponing for a while…
– Balanced the sheets for the year gone by!

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Filed under Family, Weekly Achievements, Weekly Gratitude, Weekly Memory, Weekly Person

Dec 26 Thursday: Letter

Dear Mammy

A person is lucky if they have one loving parent- I am absolutely delighted I have two. You have been there for me through thick and thin- things may have been tough between your blood son and foster daughter at times but you never took sides or got involved and loved us both the same. You have given me a safety net when I needed it, a cuddle when I am tired, a kick up my backside when I needed it, a dose of truth when I am being stubborn, a pull back to earth when I went into fancy land and love all the time. I am so very lucky to have a family at yours and to always have a place on your dinner table- at events or just ‘cos. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I love you loads and am so fortunate to have a friend and a parent in you. My favourite Christmas present this year was the look of delight on your face when you saw what I got for you- that made my day, my week, my month and probably, my whole year. It captured why I do what I do.

Love,
Joy.

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Dec 12 Thursday: Letter

Dear Dad,

Exactly 13 years ago, I gave you a peck on the cheek as I went off to college, thinking I will see you 3 days later. Little did I know, that was the last time I was looking at you as Dad- for the time we spent together, we fought, we argued, we didn’t share ideologies but we also had fun, we danced, we shared a love for food, we went on drives, we discussed politics and sport and whatever else. You took away my innocence and you also taught me not to trust anyone but you didn’t take away my belief in the good. The inherent good. There are times I miss you, or is it more the idea of you, I am not sure but more often, I am glad you aren’t there around me today ‘cos all I can sense is disapproval for my travels, for the men I choose, for the way I live and every other choice that has made me the person I am today.

I am glad you were a part of my life. I do hope you are happy and well wherever you are. I also hope that someday you have the courage and nerve to apologise to your mother and mine.

For now, I love you, I thank you, I forgive you and I am sorry.

Your (by blood only) daughter,
Joy.

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Nov 28 Thursday: Letter

Dear mum’s elder sis,

When I was a kid, you were the scary one and you disciplined us. As I grew older, I got to know you better and then, I started spending every weekend (and then some more days) at yours as your sons and I got up to all sorts of mischief and then, one day, you became confidante and then another day, a friend and now I feel today, I have to look after you more than you look after me. It doesn’t matter whether we chat over our shared love for the Indian Chinese food, pastries or simple share an ice cream sundae- what matters is that despite everything in our lives, we are still as connected as we are and can remain so strong.

Thank you for everything.

Love,
Joy.

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Aug 20 Tuesday: A Brilliant Moment

When I was a kid, every couple of weekends, my mum would bundle 2 of my brothers and me into public transport and take us for a day out- we would go to the science museum, amusement parks, doll museum, craft museum or something else fun/ adventurous/ silly/ educational.

At that time, I enjoyed those trips- we laughed, we talked, we bonded.
Today, I think of those trips VERY fondly- those were good times, especially when I realise how tough it may have been for mum to look after 3 stubborn kids, how difficult it may have been financially at times, how many sacrifices it may have meant… they were good times- no, they were great times.

Times that taught me a lot:
– taught me to connect with my brothers and family
– taught me educational stuff
– taught me about organising
– taught me about facilitating & manipulating
– taught me about just learning to live the moment
– taught me how lucky I am!

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Aug 1 Thursday: Letter

Dear Elder Bro

I miss you! I miss you loads. Thanks for looking after me all these years, especially when you thought I didn’t know. Thanks for teaching me the tricks to stay out of trouble, “thanks” for making me the responsible one you a$$ and thanks for being you. I love our random chats, our infrequent conversations and the bond we share.

Love you loads- here’s wishing you the luck you need!
Joy.

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Jul 25 Thursday: Letter

Dear Mum’s Bro

As you turn 50, I just want to thank you for my red engine, for my pink dolls, for my many scars, for my many hugs, for the philosophy lessons when you got drunk, for the lectures when I got drunk, for never taking me to the cinema, for letting me wear your shirts, for being you. I am so glad you are a part of my life, so glad you are still there for me and so glad we have grown to be more than a niece and an uncle to being two friends!

Much love to you. Happy birthday!

Joy.

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May 23 Thursday: Letter

Dear “baby” bro

We may have had only 6 months of an age difference, but we have decades of maturity differences… but no matter what, I adore you and love you. I was very upset when I got the news of your attack even if I acted nonchalant with my devil-may-care attitude. You infuriate me more than anyone else I know, you drive me nuts but deep down I know we both understand each other and we care for each other. I do hope someday we can be friends the way we used to be but I also suspect we have let the gulf get too wide. You are a fantastic person- exceptionally intelligent, slightly non-directional, very immature, exceptionally unaware of your responsibilities but very capable and I want to see you rise to your potential someday soon. Much love and much power to you- c’mon prove the world wrong, kick those bad habits and stun us all with your brilliance.

Love,
Your “elder” sister

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Things that will happen

These are a few home visions/ affirmations, in a very cryptic manner so as to keep them close to myself yet put them out there:

1. I will make the amount of money I intend to make by the date I intend to make it by
2. I will go to Havana/ Cuba in July with Winnie
3. I will do the trip I intend to do with the person I intend to do it with by April 30th 2014
4. I will stop being as shy as I am about my company and my identity in real life and be more open about it- to the extent, I will feature in at least one article by April 30th 2014
5. I will be living the life I imagine in my head as part 1 of my long term dream by Dec 20, 2013

Future, watch out, here I come.
Life, be warned, I am taking control.
Universe, thank you, for giving me the strength!

Love & peace to all.

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The kind of Love we all aspire to…

I seem to be getting a lot of love stories these days and they are very sappy and cheesy but kinda cute….

Here’s another I like!

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman, probably in his 80’s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,

‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

‘That is the kind of love I want in my life.’

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Life= storm and dancing

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Meeting the Parents?!

So… next month is going to be a little interesting… I know for a fact things have changed a little for Red and me but it seems, I am finally going to an event with his family. So far, I have met the friends and the sibling but this is scary and exciting.

I know for a fact that for once, my nationality will probably work in my favour rather than against! After 5 years with SL and dealing with his parents, I am tired of it all!!!!

On a different note, I am a little annoyed at one of my mates going on about another mate’s mother and her apparent issue with the non Irish! Seriously, people need to get over this and chill out.

But yeah, I know in Ireland, at least in out current “relationship situation”, meeting the parents is not a big deal but I am Indian, and to me, it is still a step in a different direction, even if its only in my head. Either which way, I am looking forward to it- they sound like a fun bunch to be around!

One day at a time….relationship status = dont know

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May 16 Thursday: Letter

This week I am really missing my baby sister so this one is for her!

Dear baby sister,

I was the only girl in the family till you came along. I was THE happiest to have another girl- I expected you to be a tomboy like me, to be as competitive as me, to want to kick our brothers’ asses just the way I did but well, you were the girl, the quieter one, the one who did it all correct and as such, teach me more about life too and people. I cannot imagine our childhood without midnight treats watching telly, I cannot imagine our childhood without all the silliness we shared and even more I cannot imagine my trips to India every year when we go for some of our favourite icecream and talk all sorts of stuff. I wanna tell you so much, I wanna protect you so bad, I want you to be so happy but most of all, I want you to know that you are my baby sister always and I love to bits.

Love

Di

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True Love… Nothing good gets away

Saw this post on facebook today, thanks to a friend- absolutely brilliant!!

Letter John Steinbeck wrote to his teenage son Thom who had just fallen in love –

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Da

Everyone needs a dad telling their son this!

love and better

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I totes agree with this sentiment!

want my mum

I would give an arm and a leg for her to hold me tight and hug me! Sigh, distance sucks.

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May 2 Thursday: Letter

Dear Mum’s boyfriend

I just want to take this opportunity to thank you for being such a father to me when you needn’t give a damn. Having taken on the responsibility that your best friend shirked is not expected but definitely appreciated. Your guidance, your words, your shoulder for me to cry on, your advice, your need to infuriate me every so often- each and every aspect of you is something I am glad I have every day of my life. Thank you for being so very good to my mother in my absence, thank you for being there for my family all the time and thank you for being a part of the person I am.

Love,
Joy.

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Apr 25 Thursday: Letter

Dear Mother

You are the most important person to me- you mean the world to me and I know I am very important to you. For all our fights, for all our arguments, for all our disagreements, I always crave your blessing, your words, your hugs, your acceptance and your love. You may not always know how to deal with me, you may not always know how to make me laugh but you always know how to make me secure, how to make me feel special and how to make me feel loved.

I love you, Mother.

Joy.

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THIS feeling..

This feeling is awesome- ‘cos you realise the power of your emotions, irrespective to anyone else’s.
It may have romantic notions attached but I think it’s a powerful statement for so many relationships- almost all my real friendships in my life have at some stage evoked such a feeling.

be with youSuch a beautiful feeling to want to spend time with someone. I like it, I like it a lot. Thank you all for envoking it in me!

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In the past year…

A lot happens in a year- I truly believe this:

a year

This time last year, I would have counted Tigger and Ryan as two of my closest friends, Candy & I were going through our own transition, I cared a fair amount more than I do about Chammiya, I didn’t really know Lady, I hadn’t met The Shrew.

However, more than that, I think I have finally understood why I hated 2012 as much as I did.

1. Of my trilogy of “best” friends, two of them were not there for me. The rocks and support I had were moved from under me and I felt my absolute core shift and me not understand it. I have always kept myself guarded in the past ‘cos of my dad- I let it down most to certain people and two of them used it to hurt me. And boy, they hurt me- not by getting together (I couldn’t be bothered by that) but by not realising that it affected my relationships with them individually. At no point, did they try to preserve the individual friendships we had but that’s the passion of a new relationship. At least they are happy. And hopefully soon, things will calm down a little. I do hope the image below always reminds me of the sort of romantic relationship I want and how I want to ensure my friendships remain unaffected so as not to be on this side of the scale.

relationship happiness

2. I felt I was more like my dad than not and I didn’t like it. I had ended my downward relationship with TL and been made to feel guilty. I ended my downward business relationship with Ryan and the guilt in me wrecked me. I felt I had walked out on 2 people who expected more from me, who wanted more from me and to whom I couldn’t give. I broke ties the way my father did. TSG was awesome in making me realise how different I really am.

Bitchology

3. I was with Roark this time last year and kinda hopeful about it. This year, I have been with Red for over 2 months now, we are not in a relationship and we may never have a future but I feel more safe and secure with him than I have in the longest time. He gets me. I do hope we are given a chance to figure out “us” but then again, c’est la vie.

when you both want

Last year, according to many friends I was stressed, I was wound up, I was scared, I came across unhappy and I truly lacked focus. I needed the year to build myself up. This year, everyone has seen a calmer sense in me- I have accepted my faults, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. I am stronger, I am softer and I am ready for the challenge that life throws my way- I have been lucky to have found some amazing people who have stepped in and decided to help me out. I am truly blessed. I am lucky. I have a fabulous life.

accept, confidence, fear

I also realised I have been second guessing everything, been looking for my father’s approval, been wanting to do it right and in the process, have gone against my instinct and therefore, ended up on a longer route to where I may have been going but hey, it’s finally beginning to get there- slow and steady eh? 😉

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Need to act my age!?

It’s hitting me now- most of my friends are married, 4 of my close friends are expecting babies in the next 6 months and I am beginning to freak out ‘cos for the first time I feel I am being left behind…

And I truly wonder why am I letting someone else’s yard stick define my life?!

I am in a great place- I own a few businesses (with massive potential), I have a good contract at the moment (even if not for long), I have a good few job leads (and one of them more so-The Shrew is helping me there and she has the Midas touch), I have a fantastic set of friends, I have an amazingly fabulous family and I have achieved 90% of all that was on my bucket list (I definitely need a new list but am waiting to achieve the last thing I want to before I turn 35 before I start setting myself new goals!) so why am I comparing myself to others?! It is apples and pears. Their priorities were different to mine. Their wants and needs were not the same as mine.

So then why do I feel as if I am alone here?!
Why do I feel I have not achieved?!
Am I beginning to give in to social conformity?!
Have I lost the will to try and fight?!
What is going on… why do I feel the need to act my age as to what society expects…

Anyone with answers?!

doing things we dont wanna doI need to rethink how I am going about life before I reach the point I am doing things I hate… maybe I need to change tact and direction again?!

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Positive Intention

I totally agree with this status a friend just posted on facebook!

Screen shot 2013-01-23 at 16.44.01

Let someone know they are loved and cared for x

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Why does it feel like a game even when it isn’t?!

You know, everyone says relationships are based on truth, honesty, respect, love and mutual attraction. And one always says that it is not about playing a game, it being easy and just feeling right… the other day, I was talking to a friend of mine about her relationship. So far, they have been on about 5 dates, in 6 months time and they are always playing a game, even when they aren’t. Isn’t everything a game?!

What if the not playing of the game is what keeps us out of it? Whether it is the flutter of the eyelids to keep his attention, or a red lipstick, or a nice gesture- we all do something to keep the other person hooked- even if everything is going swimmingly well. Even, once we have it all- some say, the theory is to keep it interesting, keep it fresh while the more cynical say, it is to not get bored.

Either way, I don’t think there is anything in life that is NOT a game!

So whether you realise it or not, we are all a part of the game! And only then, do we create our lives to be the way we want them to be!

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I am in the deep…

… and I dunno how to swim!

That’s how I feel right now- I feel I am literally being swept, swept away by a wind of change…

I feel the change coming and this time, I can feel it in my bones and I hope I am right- I have a feeling it’s a matter of another 6 months or so and it will all be in place the way I want it to be…

– Work- still a bit iffy in many ways, but I think it’s getting there, eventually
– Romance- I don’t wanna jinx it but this is the one area I am most scared of- Tolkein is just great- he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he is smart, we have chemistry and boy, can we talk?! I mean, taking the last 36 hours alone- we have talked/ interacted (ahem ahem) for more than 10 and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I am actually waiting to see him again. Scary stuff this. And no, I am not willing to talk to anyone else about this just yet. I am enjoying keeping this magic all to myself.
– Other bits & bobs- Between 4 projects that aren’t exactly paying me enough and 1 that is, I am tired, wrecked and happy. Happy to be living the life I do, happy to be sharing a house with the beings that I do, happy to have the friends I do and happy to be me.

“I believe I can survive this swim and deal with it better than not, I believe I will not sink and I believe things will work out” 🙂

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What’s Your Insecurity?!

We are ALL insecure- about something. Be it in business, in our professional lives, in our careers, in our relationships with our family, in our relationships in love, in our friendships, in our sport or whatever it may be. And yes, I am insecure too- I am insecure in some of my friendships, I am insecure in my ability to do certain things, I am insecure in my future, I am insecure in my relationships with my brothers and bar once, I have always been in secure in a romantic relationship (this confession has been tough but hey, tis true).

I usually don’t inflict my insecurities on anyone else, or so I believe. The other day, I was a victim of a friend’s insecurity and despite recognising it as that immediately, I still got VERY angry, I still was VERY peeved and I was spitting fire at that person for almost 48 hours (fortunately in my head and not in person)!! Now that’s completely stupid and insane, especially since I knew exactly where it was coming from. It got me thinking:

– Do we recognise our own insecurities?
– How do we manage our insecurities?
– Does anyone have any ideas how to get over one’s own and how best to deal with those of their own friends?

We all want to be accepted as we are but who knows the real us when we are always trying to cover up our insecurities?! Everyone knows an aspect of us and that’s it- have we gotten so used to wearing a mask constantly that no one and no one, including ourselves (I fear/ suspect) knows who the TRUE US is?!!
Scary, scary thought, thinks me.

On a fun note though- I totally adore this pic!

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Why I do what I do

Every time I am upset about a friend or family, my friends ask me why I put up with it. I don’t see it as something I put up with, to me, it’s a part of life and sometimes, kicking up a fuss isn’t worth it.

For example, I had a meeting today that I rescheduled as we had some work to be done at home and my housemate couldn’t be around- turns out, she was here while they were doing their work and chose to sleep in instead- seriously, this is usually enough to peeve me off but the more mature me doesn’t see the point in discussing this as what’s happened has happened and I can’t change the fact!

The best thing usually is to let it go and only do things you wanna do ‘cos ultimately, that leads to a happy life 🙂

And so I turn a blind eye, not make a big deal of things because I want those people in my life. There, simplest explanation but oh-so-true.

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Fear of Dependance

All my adult life, I have had a fear of not being independent, of depending on someone else and of not having complete control over my life.

I grew up thinking I could depend on certain people but my father (the biological dude, I mean) taught me I couldn’t. I took that to be gospel and built my life around myself and my bubble so it couldn’t be penetrated and I couldn’t be hurt.

However, everyone in my life asked me to bring down my barriers, let myself be free, let myself live, let myself depend. And slowly, I started- SL, Ryan, Winnie, mum, everyone around me- all of them pushed me to learn to trust, learn to depend and to understand that life is about communication and interdependence.

Slowly, I started opening up, sharing with my friends and turning to them, realising it was easier to trust again and open up and depend on others. But every time, and I mean, every single time, I seem to realise that there is a fine balance between dependence, interdependence and independence and I realise I am happiest in the latter- I know the status quo there but I realise I am not as strong anymore and I need some interdependence- lately I dream of falling, of falling and being caught- I want that trust, I want that support, I crave it.

So, how many people can you be you with?! Right now, I don’t know any 😥 Ok, that’s a lie- Daddy Long Legs, Freud both have taught me that but still… I feel alone, I feel lonely, I feel tired and I am scared. There, I said it- I am scared.

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Guilty thoughts!

Today, I was wasting some time looking at family pics and came across pics of this niece of mine that is almost two years old and I have never met… Is it terrible for me to not have noted how cute she is, how tall she has gotten etc but to notice she is cock-eyed?! I feel terrible 😦

Oops.

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I have become one of them!

I always used to wonder why people wondered about their past relationships and said “I am not sure what I saw in him”- today TL posted a pic on facebook and I looked at it and went “I almost married him- what an escape!” Now I have always known I was lucky to have not married him but to actually wonder what I saw in him is a bit too harsh on someone as amazing as him.

I cannot believe I have actually become one of them! I take pride in my friendships with my exboyfriends and this really makes me wonder if there is some truth in that exes cannot be friends.

I am currently loving the single life I am leading- many men in tow, a few guys I could potentially see dating and just a lot of craic in my life- after all, my pawns are now in place and they are ready to take on a lot- a lot of fun, a lot of work, a lot of success, a lot of awesomeness. I realise I couldn’t be here without having been with the people I have been with, without the experiences I have dealt with, without the lessons I have learnt and so all of you out there, thanks!

I am a wee upset I touch the border of regretting my past relationships and I really really really don’t like the fact that I have become one of them!

PS- This was a massively rambly post, apologies!

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It’s in their hug

It is often said that you can tell how a guy feels by the way they kiss you. I am not completely convinced on that one but I have always had my variation of using it for friendships and instead of kissing, it’s in their hug!

Actions have always spoken louder than words- and the other day, I realised once again, how lucky I am to have the friends I have.

I caught up with Ryan after 5 weeks and the moment we met, we hugged and it was fantastic- after ages, it seemed honest and natural. I felt so good.
And then I caught up with Chammiya due to a confusion and misunderstanding and when we left, it was all love.
Finally, I had my uncle here for a few days and though I have never spent 72 hours, just us, ever before- it was awesome and our hug at the end of the trip was a testament to that.

All in all, it’s in their hug!

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Daddy’s Girl

Sunday is Father’s Day- the 4th largest card selling holiday- whoopee and whatever else. Every girl usually dreams of finding a man like her ‘dear daddy’- at one point in my life, I knew I didn’t want that- I loved my father as a kid, yes; I was scared of my father as a kid, yes; my daddy was the strongest, yes but I don’t want a man like my father- I want someone with more integrity, someone who doesn’t hide from responsibility and someone more principled than him- not very tough, really.

So today I have decided to formally give my father the best present he can ever hope for and get from me- my forgiveness. I haven’t decided yet how I will capture this yet or formalise it as an event, a ceremony or anything but somehow I am going to mark the occassion. All ideas welcome.

Dear dad, wherever you are- I forgive you. I forgive you for causing so much pain to those who love(d) you. I forgive you for breaking my mother’s heart. I forgive you for hurting your family. I forgive you for being so spineless, such a coward and such a worthless space. I forgive you for all you have done to hurt me. I wish you luck, happiness and health in your life and really hope our paths never cross again. I loved you once and now I am indifferent. Go in peace. Your biological daughter who truly hopes these qualities of yours are not genetic.

So dad, today I officially declare you are not family since you don’t meet the requirement. All the best, father.

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5 fingers!

I came across this picture earlier today and I love the reasoning behind the 5 fingers…

Thumb: Amen, I am ok, have been and will be!
Index finger: I counted them recently enough in an earlier post
Middle finger: Rarely used and I hope to keep it that way
Ring finger: Once used
Pinky finger: Many promises made, most kept and others will be, I hope.

The only thing it doesn’t capture is my family but I suppose that’s the strength of all 5 combined!

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The people in your life

You know, for the longest time, I had a note like that on my mirror but over the years, I have learnt this is actually one of the worst pieces of advise ever.

I would like to change this to “The only people you need in your life are the ones you feel you need.” It kind of reminds me of something an uncle of mine said to me many years “Give to others what you think they deserve- take from others what you think you deserve” and then there will never be a feeling of obligation or a case “I should”.

I have MANY people who need me in their lives, but they may not always be the people I need- I need some people in my life, all the time:

– My mother: yeah, she needs me and I need her
– My mother’s boyfriend: definitely a case of me needing him more than him needing me- this has no corelation to the love we feel for each other
– My best friend, Ryan: totally mutual- we both need each other but to varying degrees for various different aspects of our lives
– My best friend, Winnie: again, mutual but I suspect I need her more- she is a lot more independent than I am
– Some of my other friends: some need me, some I need- you know what, it’s just the way of life- after all, if we were all mutually dependant to the same extent, life could potentially be very boring- though, the one relationship which I think should be such is that of a couple- a husband and wife but even that I don’t think would have the two people equally dependant on the same aspects as a complementary relationship is always much stronger.

Over the past few weeks, I have had a chance to reevaluate my relationships- partly ‘cos I have had to, partly ‘cos I have been forced to, partly ‘cos I have realised how I need to grow up and take some responsibility for elements I had just taken for granted and so going forth, I am only going to focus on relationships I need and if those people need me to, I am in luck- I am gonna put a stop to the tit for tat that seems to be constantly surrounding the way we deal with things these days.

And now- to go celebrate life and one of those people in my life that I love spending time with!

Laters peeps- enjoy a fabulous weekend 🙂

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So much to see!

I came across a link earlier today about the 41 places one must see before well, they die- some of them interest me more than other- looks like holiday plans for the next 20 odd spots SORTED!

For the moment, I am just delighted about the idea of Cappadocia– one of the MUSTs on my own personal list.

However, selfishly I am really peeved off about my holiday too- I know I should feel for my gran and I do love her and feel sad for her but I really didn’t want my holiday to be about being the responsible one- I am SO tired of duty, responsibility, what I should do, what is the right thing and I really really really really really really want my mother fawning over me and not me running around between doctors and hospitals. And I feel exceptionally guilty about feeling this way 😦

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Create!

I came across this piece of advise today and it is absolutely freaking awesome (just like 2012 is gonna be!)

Maybe that’s what I have been doing wrong, in the process of creating myself, I have been trying to find answers to some of the traditional questions too- time to let go and re-create, ‘cos as the image below captures, we all have our canvas to claim!

And sometimes, the best way to make our lives a masterpiece is to just BE HAPPY! So here are some easy ways:

I find happiness in spending time with my foster family in their holiday home on the beach and so I am going there for the weekend, bring it on! A few hours cat nap and then a good few hours of TLC, pampering, laughs and time with people I love 🙂 This is the life.

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If tomorrow doesn’t go the way I want it to…

For some morbid reason, against all will, I am lying in bed and wondering what would happen if tomorrow doesn’t go my way…

And you know my main regrets are: I haven’t hugged my mother in almost 9 months, haven’t spoken to any of my brothers in months (and potentially wouldn’t for a while), I never did manage a holiday with my baby sister- just us two, some cocktails, some fun, lots of chats, tonnes of laughs, innumerable memories and I have not been totally honest about everything to one of the most important people of my life (never lied either but still…)

And you know what my happiest thoughts are: I am glad I never got married, glad I have experienced love and passion, glad I traveled as much as I did, ate all the good food I did, drank all the champagne and not-champagne alcohol, wrote for an Indian daily, took photographs for the Vogue, started companies, sold companies, got taken for a ride, knew my biological father, had the choice of choosing my “step”father(s), moved to Ireland, left the previous role when I did in December, moved back to Dublin (twice) and mostly for the family I grew up with and family I created in my circle of friends.

I know I am totally over-reacting. I know things are not this bad but you know what, sometimes imagining the absolute worst makes the reality a lot easier to deal with.

I am especially happy for the TRUE friends I have discovered- these are my pillars- and yes, I know Ryan & Winnie are who they are and I call ‘everyone’ my “best friend” but the truth really is- I am genuinely lucky to have an amazingly brilliant circle!

On this positive note, I am going to go to bed- hopefully, still with the smile. And here’s hoping, when I wake up tomorrow, the smile is bigger and wider and less nervous of what lies ahead.

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Love ♥ Love ♥ Love!

For all my cynicism and dislike of this Hallmark occasion, I love to celebrate love and I love love.

So as an ode to love, to the friends in my life, to the family I am born into, to the families I have adopted as mine, here is a collection of pictures of love that I have gathered from round the internet.

– For most of my family- this IS the definition of True Love.

– A medicine cabinet essential- found in the best of friends and most of the family

– An understanding of true love

– Picture perfect for Valentine’s…

– All the couples above need is a glass of this:

– Some see true love to be this, and I must admit I think I am one of them:

– To some it means and though I like this too, I find a true friendship forms the best basis for a beautiful partnership

– I suppose this captures what I expect of love better:

– Yet I have a fairytale notion of this:

– And a post about love without me bringing in a bit of geekiness!

– And finally, this is why I am not a fan of Valentine’s day!

And so with a heart full of love for everyone, for the guys I have dated, for the guys I am dating, for the guys I will date, for the friends in my life, for the families I am lucky ot have been born into and been accepted by, for the people I see on the street, basically for everyone, Happy Valentine’s Day!

♥♥♥

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Will I ever learn?!

Somedays I feel like such a sucker, and today- I feel like the biggest sucker ever!

16 years ago- suckered for the first time by the only guy I ever caught cheating on me
14 years ago- suckered for the first time by a guy I thought genuinely cared for me
12 years ago- suckered by my own father
and the list goes on…. till
Last year- suckered by my best friend (surprisingly Calvin has been through this before and the 2 of us only realised the similarities today- well I knew about them earlier but we only talked of them today)
Today- my own lecturer.

The funny thing is all of them have been men- the men who have tried to manipulate me in some way, who have taken advantage of my niceness and my brain for their own gain and at some point, I truly need to f*cking grow the f*ck up.

I think 2012 will truly be as awesome as I expect it to be only when I really grow up.

On the other hand, Calvin offered an option to play with a new idea and go forward with it- considering he is one of my only two male friends I feel the way I do about, it is a very tempting option and I have told him I will get back to him end March with hopefully a negative…. fingers crossed it works out that all I do is advise him as I have in the past.

Here’s to things actually working out, and for once, in my favour.

Mind f*cked and braindead- hope you are all having a better day!
J

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Just saying…

Thank you to each one of you for the value you have added, the lessons you have taught me, the laughs we have shared, the tears you may have caused, the moments of solidarity and to those of you still around today- you know who you are, I apologise for the grouchiness that has been me the past few days and will be the next few and am really grateful for the support through this tough time!

Here’s to a fantabulous life!

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Bringing me back to earth

Today I was talking to one of my favourite people in the world- Calvin- he has been a part of my life for over a decade and even though we rarely get time to see each other, when we do, we really do catch up. It’s a funny friendship- few realise it’s depth yet the two of us care a lot for each other. He is one of the only two friends in my life that I would actually consider marrying.

So today, I was talking to him about some stuff in my life and taking his advice on a certain dilemma I am facing and catching up on his news, when I realised the last few months may have been the world’s way of bringing me back to earth.

Many people had advised me to sign paper work with Ryan before joining hands with him the last time and I scoffed at the very idea- I trusted him, and still do. However, I was definitely taken for a ride- in exactly the same manner my mum’s boyfriend had been 20 years ago- the similarities are so scary that the two of us were shaken to our very core.

I used to have a guard around me that I had built to not be hurt and I think being hurt by my best friend actually felt worse than being hurt by my father. At least with my best friend, I made the decision based on my own intuition and information and it was incorrect. I fought for him, I stood by him, I increased his profile in little ways, I built his empire and I am going in again and it seems, he unconsciously wants to f*ck me over again!

Will I ever learn my lesson? Ryan, will you please realise what you are doing and stop making me be the bad person in the whole thing?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH- just when I thought it was all over and was willing to close the chapter, it reopens and so does the wound and my self-doubt.

I am hoping this comes true!

Am I being really naive doing what I am doing?! Wish there was an easy answer. Every fibre in my gut says I am making the right decision but then again, it did that the last 15 months too…. Someone, Anyone, Angels, God, The Powers that Be- help me!

Thank you 🙂

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So in 2012, one should…

I think this should be the philosophy one lives by- about balancing! I suspect the workaholic in me needs a real break and though I hope to work less, I hope to achieve a lot more through the dreams, through better planning and through smart working!

Roll on 2012. SOOOOO excited!

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When I am dying…

This article on the most common things people think of while dying got me thinking about what I would like to say when I am on my deathbed:

– I achieved everything I really wanted to: In fairness, when I was 25, I said that one a call to my mother from Antarctica and recall saying “if I die now, I will die knowing I achieved what I was put on earth for”

– I am glad I worked so hard- it gave me a sense of fulfilment and allowed me to explore areas & boundaries I may not always have managed. However, I would like to be able to add: “I managed to strike a balance so I could also make time for all the things that I wanted to- time for myself, my friends, my family, my hobbies, my interests and the things that I wanted to achieve by working as hard I did”

– I was honest about my feelings- Yes, I know I keep some a secret and I perhaps always will- I don’t think anyone will ever know how deeply I truly felt about FL, or how much I actually detest the guy who took my innocence away, or how hurt I was when my father walked away or so many other instances but when it affects someone else or someone can do something about it, I usually do share what’s on my mind- good, bad and the ugly!

– I always made time for what was important to me- my friends, my family- see #2. I was wholesome- whatever I did, I gave it my all- be it hanging out with friends, nurturing my family, looking after my adults etc etc etc

– I stopped doing anything that made me unhappy- I quit a job I was brilliant at, I broke a perfectly good relationship (actually 2 of them- SL and TL), I walked away from a company I totally love (Well, about to), I stopped meeting friends I didn’t want to be with and so many other example

So far, I have traversed the roads that I have and amde the decisions I have made for my happiness which allow me to keep most of the regrets people have away from my life- here’s hoping I succeed. I want to be remembered for my smile, my optimism, my zest for life, my need to always do something different and my ability to always and always be wholesome & honest.

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To ALL my friends, family & loved ones

This pic says it all- love you lots xx

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Whoaaaa

I know I am tender and fragile but I didn’t realise how much till I just burst into tears tonight. I feel SO alone right now, it’s not funny.

I feel like a tree without any roots, a punching bag without any ceiling to hang from, a rock in an ocean with no sand to anchor on. I feel alone and desolate. I feel there is no one out there to just hold me and remind me things will get better.

Everything around me seems to be falling. Yes, my midas touch is working away but I also know it isn’t as effective as it can be and I suppose that’s irritating me.

I take pride in whatever I do, I am confident about myself and what the world holds in store for me but I wish I was happy- right now, there is a gap I can’t seem to figure out 😦

I also wonder how much of what I am feeling is because of the way I feel unappreciated and taken for granted, unintentionally- it all comes down to lack of communication but sure, one can’t force a conversation!

Another part of me wonders how much is it because we both are trying to find partners for ourselves and looking for someone who loves us more than we love each other. I need someone who understands the importance of Ryan in my life and loves me for who I am- and yes, I expect my partner to love me more than Ryan does and I expect him to be my support more than Ryan is. Similarly, I expect the same of Ryan’s partner. Yet I know this is a bug ask- obviously it will take time for someone to get to those levels but let’s be honest, one can judge potential pretty darn quickly!

All in all, I know my life is falling apart everywhere- I have no idea where I am going, I have no clue what’s happening with me, I am earning less than ever, I am worth less than ever, I have more responsibilities more than ever, I have more needs more than ever and so, yes, I am scared. I am scared sh!tless and I have no idea how to even start dealing with it.

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Life Story

Sometimes, pictures are better than words!

🙂 so beautiful.

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Sweet 16!

When I was 16, I was on top of the world. Well, to the outside world, that was the case- I was captain of many different teams, I was on national, regional, state level teams for a variety of teams, I was doing well in school, I was recognised for my talents, I was considered pretty, I was considered humble and I was considered a legend- yeah baby, I rocked 😉

I had the world eating out of my hands and that should have pretty much been the most awesome thing for a teen, but no- I craved for acceptance from my parents- for them, I could always do better, I could reach further, I could go beyond and it was never enough- being a gold medalist globally, being 1 of the top 3 nationally, leading teams regionally, singing with international singers, getting decently good grades, having a fantastic circle of friends were things everyone balanced regularly. At the same time, I had been sexually violated for the second time in my life and was told to brush it off ‘cos these things happen and I shouldn’t let it affect me.

So when my school recognised me for all my achievements and more, I lied to my parents and told them someone had played a prank and they shouldn’t come see me- not ‘cos I didn’t feel pride in my self but ‘cos I thought (and till date, still believe) they wouldn’t have been happy for the award I won but would have felt I could have won more/ gotten a different one or something else- and this is when I got what I consider the most special award- they had to create one to encompass all I had done!

Last night, for the first time ever, I acknowledged why I didn’t let my parents come that day to see me enjoy my moment, to see me get an award from one of my favourite leaders (yeah, the school organised it specially for me) and cried. I felt sad for both my dad and mum not seeing me up there on the podium, I felt sad for how much they pushed their daughter that an achievement was about how well it compared to others so much that even the best wasn’t enough, I felt sad for the kid who tried and tried and tried and just couldn’t get what she wanted.

Today, the same level of pushing me has gotten me where I am but what’s the point of it all if I feel I always need to be doing more because what I am doing is not enough- I compare everything and sometimes make the wrong decision because I feel I should do better, not because I want to- I always did the ‘right’ thing- I got engaged to the so-called-perfect guy, I got the career breaking job, I traveled to places few traverse- but I never felt I had done enough- if I did something in one field, I was lacking in another. And now, I don’t know the difference between right and wrong, between what I want and what I need, or so I think.

I want to be happy, I want success, I want to achieve, I want to build, I want to travel and they are all interlinked yet the scale for identifying success, achievements, travels is so messed up in my own head that I am not sure what leads to happiness. Doing what I am doing should be making me happy but I can’t enjoy it because in the process I seem to have lost a friend in Ryan. Oh, he’s there, we haven’t fought but I genuinely can’t recall having a good time and a laugh with him in a very long time- what happened to us coming home laughing, feeling good about a productive day and excited about the days ahead?! What happened to us sharing the good and the bad things in our life?! What happened to me being honest when he asked me for my opinion?! What happened to him being there for me when I needed him?! Why should I only need a hug when things are sh!t in my life?! What happened to us dancing in the kitchen, slagging each other and just having a great time? And because my only friend around is hardly there for me, I am lonely- yes, I know being on top is lonely but it hurts so much more when I know my friends are only 100 kms down the road, the ones who are always there at the other end of the phone but sometimes, you just need a hug and maybe no talk, just comfortable silence- for a person who usually aims for 8 hugs a day, when I get 8 hugs a week, life is definitely that wee bit tougher and with my mum so far away, at times, bleaker and lonelier.

And then there is the guilt- I earn well, why shouldn’t I spend it on me? Why do I feel so bad about taking myself on an extravagant weekend away because my spirit, body and soul all need reviving?! Why do I feel guilty about having made the decision to go away from the traditional suit-wearing corporate world? And why do I feel guilty about wanting to go back there and leaving the organisation I am in? Why do I feel guilty about making the decision based on my personal circumstance more than the amount of fun/ learning/ challenge I am having/ gaining/ facing at work?! Why do I feel guilty about even trying to make a decision?!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

To top it off, today is FL’s 30th birthday. And yes, I have accepted he has passed away and I have moved on but I miss him, ALOT. I so wish I could be sitting with him on the pier right now, talking of dreams, sharing ideas, discussing philosophy and just being ourselves. It has been 15 years yet there are times it feels like yesterday. I wish I had celebrated him 30th in a more befitting manner rather than sitting through an exceptionally boring dinner with Ryan’s new floozy- she might be a nice person but she is boring as can be.

And I am scared- so scared about the new project coming up in our office which will have been busy for the next 3 months- I have planned it so much that if it doesn’t meet my expectations, I will be gutted.

Why oh why is so complicated?! The mix of emotions- nostalgia, love, loneliness, anger, frustration, being taken for granted, nervous, guilt make a horribly vile tasting cocktail. I sure as hell wouldn’t get my worst enemy to even try it, ever!

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