Tag Archives: Guilt

Guilt, Be gone!

A few years I made a decision. A decision to put myself first.
This cascaded into minute impacts all over the place- they started off tiny but they were huge.
Some of these impacts I have been feeling guilty about… and some of the consequences I am not happy about, but that’s life and I understand it.

The longer I live, the longer I analyse the decisions I made:
– Was I right to move countries?
– Should I have said no to certain ideas?
– Would I be better off back in the corporate world that I left?
– Have I made the ethical decisions?
– Did I ever break my own values?

And yes, I made mistakes. Who doesn’t?
And yes, I wasted time following certain thoughts.
And yes, I let myself be influenced by factors that shouldn’t have influenced me.
And yes, I got to the point that I am at today.

A point in my life, where I am with a wonderful partner, a fantastic set of friends (many that I have known since I was 3/4), an amazing family despite all our faults, a great experience, financially debt free, able to take the holidays I want and enjoy most of what I need and yet, I worry myself with guilt.

FFS, Guilt, be gone. I am a happy person focusing on the right things in life and it’s time, I said goodbye to all things toxic- the past 3 years of cleansing has been good and I feel I might actually be at the cusp of a new inner revelation.

I love life. Especially  on evenings after god-knows-how-many-months that I have actually managed to paint my nails and sit with them in the air while doing nothing else, guilt-free. Whoop!

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In the past year…

A lot happens in a year- I truly believe this:

a year

This time last year, I would have counted Tigger and Ryan as two of my closest friends, Candy & I were going through our own transition, I cared a fair amount more than I do about Chammiya, I didn’t really know Lady, I hadn’t met The Shrew.

However, more than that, I think I have finally understood why I hated 2012 as much as I did.

1. Of my trilogy of “best” friends, two of them were not there for me. The rocks and support I had were moved from under me and I felt my absolute core shift and me not understand it. I have always kept myself guarded in the past ‘cos of my dad- I let it down most to certain people and two of them used it to hurt me. And boy, they hurt me- not by getting together (I couldn’t be bothered by that) but by not realising that it affected my relationships with them individually. At no point, did they try to preserve the individual friendships we had but that’s the passion of a new relationship. At least they are happy. And hopefully soon, things will calm down a little. I do hope the image below always reminds me of the sort of romantic relationship I want and how I want to ensure my friendships remain unaffected so as not to be on this side of the scale.

relationship happiness

2. I felt I was more like my dad than not and I didn’t like it. I had ended my downward relationship with TL and been made to feel guilty. I ended my downward business relationship with Ryan and the guilt in me wrecked me. I felt I had walked out on 2 people who expected more from me, who wanted more from me and to whom I couldn’t give. I broke ties the way my father did. TSG was awesome in making me realise how different I really am.

Bitchology

3. I was with Roark this time last year and kinda hopeful about it. This year, I have been with Red for over 2 months now, we are not in a relationship and we may never have a future but I feel more safe and secure with him than I have in the longest time. He gets me. I do hope we are given a chance to figure out “us” but then again, c’est la vie.

when you both want

Last year, according to many friends I was stressed, I was wound up, I was scared, I came across unhappy and I truly lacked focus. I needed the year to build myself up. This year, everyone has seen a calmer sense in me- I have accepted my faults, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. I am stronger, I am softer and I am ready for the challenge that life throws my way- I have been lucky to have found some amazing people who have stepped in and decided to help me out. I am truly blessed. I am lucky. I have a fabulous life.

accept, confidence, fear

I also realised I have been second guessing everything, been looking for my father’s approval, been wanting to do it right and in the process, have gone against my instinct and therefore, ended up on a longer route to where I may have been going but hey, it’s finally beginning to get there- slow and steady eh? 😉

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Guilty thoughts!

Today, I was wasting some time looking at family pics and came across pics of this niece of mine that is almost two years old and I have never met… Is it terrible for me to not have noted how cute she is, how tall she has gotten etc but to notice she is cock-eyed?! I feel terrible 😦

Oops.

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Psychic or Designer?!

Sometimes, I wonder if I have psychic powers or if it’s true that even if you think of something you don’t want, you end up getting it ‘cos you are so focused on not messing up…

The other day my best friend got some bad news, something I was expecting to some extent but not something I was prepared for- I was upset about it, maybe even more than him and I wonder if part of it is guilt- guilt at expecting it even though I know/ knew/ believe he deserved to have gotten it actually. I know I am talking in riddles but it’s not my news to share and so I don’t really wanna talk about it.

However, I have since spoken to a few influential people in Ireland and learnt a few things- this country is a lot more about who you know than not, I mean, ALOT more! The perception of who you are is probably more important than your results, sad but true.

This country is too small for comfort at times, everything is public and everyone knows someone- a friend of mine used to work with TSG about 10 yrs ago!

Also, I know my friend’s faults and I realise some of his moves may not have been absolutely right but alas, such is life and he is who he is and I am really proud of him for who he is- warts and all. I know he doesn’t care so much about this but I also know how much it would have meant for him. I so hope someday he gets what he deserves!

On a different note, my psychic abilities fail me in relationships. I know I have only been on 1 date with TSG but we have interacted loads and he is just someone I am very comfortable with. I head away for almost 3.5 weeks to India in a matter of 2 or so weeks and I truly wonder how things will work out- should we go exclusive before, should I let it be, should we talk about it, I am so scared about messing this one up that I really don’t know. I like him, alot, the fact that I will have no interaction for 4 whole days with him is not something I am liking the idea of but c’est la vie… the idea of him potentially being with someone else while I am away is actually not something I like at all and I never thought I was prone to jealousy! Ah, the joys of the initial stirrings (not quite feelings, as Johnny Depp would say ;))

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Filed under Dating, Friends