You know when people talk about magic, think about magic or dream about magic, it’s almost always a happy feeling and something, pun intended, magical. Something beautiful, somewhat whimsical, somewhat romantic, something that brings a smile to your face and leaves you wondering and more often than not, wanting.
Stepping out of my comfort zone was the place for the magic to happen and despite everything, it is happening. Yes, I am peeved off as can be, stressed as can be, cranky as can be, yet I know, as does Ryan, we are changing worlds and we will be the I team again, somehow, someday.
The magic I am wielding, feeling, living is darker than you expect it to be, it has not lived up to the ideals I had in my head. It’s not as dream-like and nowhere as whimsical as I had imagined in my head. Perhaps, the first 4 months were so good that it was easier to deal with but as time goes by, I realise I am out of my comfort zone EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
Every day I am walking on egg shells, around my team, around my staff, around my best friends so I don’t upset them and so this feeling of doom and fragility in me is not being expressed outwardly! Everyday I am facing a new problem and have lesser support than the day before. I know being on top is lonely but in the past, I have had my friends and family- now I have no friends or family closeby. For those at the other side of the phone, thank you, thank you, thank you. But sometimes, you need someone to sit you down and just make you a cup of tea, talk to you, make you laugh and give you a hug. And in this period, when I am getting absolutely no laughs, when all I am getting in negativity from every angle and absolutely no one is there by my side, I am beginning to flay.
I am tired. I am shattered. I am feeling the magic but slowly, being out of my comfort zone is becoming my comfort zone and a zone I am not happy about 😦
I can’t wait for the apprenticeship of this magic to get over so I can truly enjoy what the REAL MAGIC is- right now, it’s just an illusion and a far off one that I am finding difficult to believe in.