Why I don’t want a relationship…


So, the other day I got upset (again) about people telling me that I *should* be in a relationship and that I *am* compromising.

To me, I am not. I am happy with Red- I like what we share, I like what we have and I am having fun. I like the fact that someone has such a positive impact on me that despite less sleep, despite less time, I am performing better in work- there’s a lot to be said about that. I laugh, I cry, I share my dreams, I express my fears, I talk about my day, I discuss random topics, I party, I go to festivals with Red and yes, we are spending a lot of time together but I like that, a lot.

So do I want something more? Yes and No.
I would like to imagine a future with him but I am not sure I am ready for it yet.
I would like something more permanent in my life but though he is the perfect guy in many ways, there are times I am assailed with doubt.
I would like a relationship but I don’t think it’s that of a girlfriend- boyfriend and I don’t think either of us is at the place for something more (yes, as always, I want to do things differently and potentially, go a gear quicker by avoiding this whole label!)
I would like a partner but I still absolutely dislike the term ‘boyfriend’- not sure why!

And why do I really not want a relationship with Red? Primary reason- expectations! I like the fact that right now we do things for each other because we want to (even if it sometimes does come across as should!) and that we both appreciate it a lot if either of us does something nice for the other. It’s kinda like prolonging the honeymoon period and actually having a sense of discovery about each other. I have NO expectations currently and I like it for the moment… I am sure my attitude will change at some point but for once, I am enjoying the freefall.

anything but happy

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