Some interesting introspective lessons!

Today was a moment of realisation sort of a day for me:

1. Chivalry is not dead- I was in a diplomatic office today and as a lady, got a seat offered to and help from another gentleman. Neither asked for number or anything else- they did it out of respect and out of consideration for the fair sex.

2. My life is a lot more in movies, than not- Cocktail (the Hindi one) came close in some instances. It made me realise I still have no clue how to show my true self to the world- I still come across confident and authoritative, no matter how soft I may be inside. And it made me realise people are not to be trusted as much as I would have liked to believe.

3. Maybe it is time for new friends- I love my current ones but tonight, I holed myself up and cried. Cried tears while chatting to a fourteen year old ‘cos I didn’t know who else to talk to- this 14 yo is dead and immatue- I am caught in  my own whirlwind of emotions and feel I cannot turn to anyone. I also realised the anger I feel towards certain people in my life- in their throwaway comments, in their selfish focus, in their insecurities and in their constant need to tell me “I look great/ I did something great etc”- a true friend would break down that barrier and make me spill my gut out- warts and all.

4. In attempts to follow my dreams, I have practically given away 3 apartments in India or 1 nice 2 bed apartment in city centre Dublin- given away, in full, no  mortgage, no nothing- practically handed it on silver platter to the world and all its glory- with NO clue where or how I am going to make it all back again.

5. I am scared. I am excited but I am scared- I just need to take the jump- this time, I canNOT back out- I need to leap, I have come too far and I need to do it alone. I have a very exciting journey- extremely challenging, unpredictable and scary (yup, repetitive, I know) but I am scared.

6. I am beginning to wonder about my capacity to love- I never had any trouble finding a man, keeping him charmed, getting him under a spell to marry me or declare undying love. For the last 4 years since I returned my ring, I have had little luck- I have met some amazing people, I have shared laughs with many, kissed a few, been intimate wit fewer still but not one has managed to keep me interested and not once have I tried to charm anyone. Is it cos I feel I am going to be on my own forever? Is it cos I have grown up and don’t play ANY games at all (even one of being a charming lady)? Is it that I have no faith in the fairytale notion?

7. I am keeping up with the Joneses- not materialistically, not physically, not emotionally but outwardly- to all, I am a rock, I am confident, I am a success whereas inside I am tired, cynical, as much in need of some support as anyone else.

8. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am tired. I need TLC. I need rest. I need pampering. I need love. I need a dream in my head that I cannot articulate and I just, miraculously, want it to appear.


Filed under Dating, Friends, Gender, Health, Movies, My Day

7 responses to “Some interesting introspective lessons!

  1. Reblogged this on chryzalynmaeysao and commented:
    i love this! it made me come to realize that we will be alone forever if we keep on clinging to the idea that nobody has charmed us inside and out..
    i still have the vision of building my own charming family yet, i am too independent to have a boyfriend right now.. i am nomadic and i certainly afraid of falling inlove.. yey, this blog made me realize that life is too short to be wasted on craps!! we should do what we really like!! keep going!!

  2. S A

    ‘I love you’ means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you’re in a bad mood or too tired to do things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. I love you means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, hoping you feel the same way for me.

  3. Ray Groote

    Favourite your site as I love the posts- they are just so stripped of any emotion.

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