Today was a moment of realisation sort of a day for me:
1. Chivalry is not dead- I was in a diplomatic office today and as a lady, got a seat offered to and help from another gentleman. Neither asked for number or anything else- they did it out of respect and out of consideration for the fair sex.
2. My life is a lot more in movies, than not- Cocktail (the Hindi one) came close in some instances. It made me realise I still have no clue how to show my true self to the world- I still come across confident and authoritative, no matter how soft I may be inside. And it made me realise people are not to be trusted as much as I would have liked to believe.
3. Maybe it is time for new friends- I love my current ones but tonight, I holed myself up and cried. Cried tears while chatting to a fourteen year old ‘cos I didn’t know who else to talk to- this 14 yo is dead and immatue- I am caught in my own whirlwind of emotions and feel I cannot turn to anyone. I also realised the anger I feel towards certain people in my life- in their throwaway comments, in their selfish focus, in their insecurities and in their constant need to tell me “I look great/ I did something great etc”- a true friend would break down that barrier and make me spill my gut out- warts and all.
4. In attempts to follow my dreams, I have practically given away 3 apartments in India or 1 nice 2 bed apartment in city centre Dublin- given away, in full, no mortgage, no nothing- practically handed it on silver platter to the world and all its glory- with NO clue where or how I am going to make it all back again.
5. I am scared. I am excited but I am scared- I just need to take the jump- this time, I canNOT back out- I need to leap, I have come too far and I need to do it alone. I have a very exciting journey- extremely challenging, unpredictable and scary (yup, repetitive, I know) but I am scared.
6. I am beginning to wonder about my capacity to love- I never had any trouble finding a man, keeping him charmed, getting him under a spell to marry me or declare undying love. For the last 4 years since I returned my ring, I have had little luck- I have met some amazing people, I have shared laughs with many, kissed a few, been intimate wit fewer still but not one has managed to keep me interested and not once have I tried to charm anyone. Is it cos I feel I am going to be on my own forever? Is it cos I have grown up and don’t play ANY games at all (even one of being a charming lady)? Is it that I have no faith in the fairytale notion?
7. I am keeping up with the Joneses- not materialistically, not physically, not emotionally but outwardly- to all, I am a rock, I am confident, I am a success whereas inside I am tired, cynical, as much in need of some support as anyone else.
8. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am tired. I need TLC. I need rest. I need pampering. I need love. I need a dream in my head that I cannot articulate and I just, miraculously, want it to appear.