All my adult life, I have had a fear of not being independent, of depending on someone else and of not having complete control over my life.
I grew up thinking I could depend on certain people but my father (the biological dude, I mean) taught me I couldn’t. I took that to be gospel and built my life around myself and my bubble so it couldn’t be penetrated and I couldn’t be hurt.
However, everyone in my life asked me to bring down my barriers, let myself be free, let myself live, let myself depend. And slowly, I started- SL, Ryan, Winnie, mum, everyone around me- all of them pushed me to learn to trust, learn to depend and to understand that life is about communication and interdependence.
Slowly, I started opening up, sharing with my friends and turning to them, realising it was easier to trust again and open up and depend on others. But every time, and I mean, every single time, I seem to realise that there is a fine balance between dependence, interdependence and independence and I realise I am happiest in the latter- I know the status quo there but I realise I am not as strong anymore and I need some interdependence- lately I dream of falling, of falling and being caught- I want that trust, I want that support, I crave it.
So, how many people can you be you with?! Right now, I don’t know any 😥 Ok, that’s a lie- Daddy Long Legs, Freud both have taught me that but still… I feel alone, I feel lonely, I feel tired and I am scared. There, I said it- I am scared.