You know, the other day, I was walking down the street and trying to figure out what had caused the shift in the dynamic with a few of my friends- my relationship with Candy, Tigger and Ryan all seemed to have been affected. Considering these are three of my closest friends, I obviously was affected very strongly and needed to understand what was going on at my end. Additionally, Chammiya and I had a bit of a misunderstanding too and that just added another layer to my thinking of “what am I doing wrong”.
Today, I realised- a lot. I haven’t spoken to Tigger since early April. Yes, a part of me thinks she should have more of an effort- she didn’t call on my birthday, she didn’t call when she was in Dublin and she didn’t call just ‘cos she wanted to chat- she was busy, I get it but she could have made the effort if she wanted to. But then again, so could have I. I was a little miffed that she didn’t call me for my birthday, I suppose- actually, to be honest, I was very miffed- she would throw a strop if tables were turned and bearing in mind that I was a wee bit conscious of cash and money this year, I would have thought she would have just made the effort.
I also realised I had consciously drawn a line with Ryan- this was mainly to protect myself. I know he is my closest friend and guy who will always be there for me- he is even registered as my next of kin (not sure he knows it but that’s the truth about our friendship- we will always be there for each other) and I also realised he was getting very close to Tigger. I didn’t want him saying anything to her that I didn’t wanna say to her myself. I tell Ryan everything, I am myself with him- more so than not, especially since he is not as black & white the way Tigger is and he understands me. Also, I have a different level of support from the two of them. I felt our understanding of confidentiality was being affected and needed to figure out a way of dealing with it- bring on our catch up. I know he will laugh at me, he will think I am being silly but hey, how I feel is how I feel! It was funny though when I was chatting to him that he said he had an action item on his list to call me- sad but so true- our lives are getting so busy. And to think, this was a guy I spoke to EVERY DAY for 2.5 years!
I am not sure what the story was with Candy- I think it was potentially the fact we were both trying to redefine ourselves, get used to living in our new place, get used to living together. We don’t constantly text, we don’t constantly talk, we don’t have any midnight raves any more but I think that might have all been very intense initially but we do have a laugh, we do talk about almost everything under the sun, we do discuss music and we are still mates.
Basically, the best realisation has been that no matter what, my friends rock and I am very lucky that despite the ups and downs, I know they are there for me. The last 7 months have been tough for me- everything has been viewed from a cynical pair of glasses, I have hardened myself against everyone and everything, I turned inwards to a great extent and went into a self preservation mode- now that things are beginning to fall into place and my plan is coming together, I feel a lot more positive and I am ready to step back into the world and remove a part of the mask again.