Lost my dignity!

In my own eyes, at the very least.

When I was stepping out today, I was really in the mood for some fun, a few drinks, lots of laughs and good times with mates. However things didn’t quite go as planned- most of it in my own head. When I left home, I was in the company of gremlins, hobbits, dancing puppies, laughing lions, rock tigers- how could I not have a good night, right?! Surrounded by 4 of my best friends, it was bound to be absolutely frigging fantastic.

However, 15 mins down the road, I was hit with the wall of depression and knew, alcohol was definitely not an option. I seriously hope no one ever goes through the feeling that made me tweet what I did a few hours ago. So what changed- part of it was the side-effect of the medication, part of it was the cold welcome I got from my 2 best friends in the pub, part of it was the concern Blondie showed me (to some extent, it was exactly what I needed today), part of it an overreaction in my head.

In my irrationality, there are some amazing things I realised:
– Ryan has taught me unconditional love in a way few people unrelated to you or an animal can ever give you- I am exceptionally lucky to have someone like him care for me as much as he does- despite all the bad we have gone through- agreeably not a patch on the good we have been through- especially saying this when I think we are going through a really bad patch, that’s some lesson eh?
– Tigger plays a game on her own rules and this time, I give up- I felt a catch up meant a conversation of some sort but bar the rugby chat, I hardly spoke to her. Apparently me wanting to focus on my health and go to my doctor in India is not as important as being present for her birthday dinner- I may not even be here for my own birthday dinner, forget anything else
– It is ok for me to support people when they don’t want to drink but apparently I don’t have the right to not drink myself- half my buzz went when people kept pushing me towards a drink- seriously, why, why, why?! Agreed I could be more craic today and I have been more craic without alcohol in the past but sometimes, when you need a hug and a chat with your bestfriends and you can’t get it, you feel nothing but alone
– Ryan and Tigger are so excited about their holiday and yes, I feel a twinge of jealousy- they are both so into each other and though I have no right to say a thing or expect a thing or anything, I so know they are going to hook up- part of me thinks that’s cute but if the last few weeks are anything to go by, it also means 2 less friends in  my trio of besties 😥 selfishly, can’t handle it! They may not think it will make a difference but we all know, things change…
– Pat and I are becoming closer and closer and I am so glad for her in my life right now
– I miss a really good hug- nothing but a pure, good, well intentioned hug

So how really did I lose my dignity?!
I lost my dignity because I alienated who I consider a best friend, another 1 thinks I am overreacting in my “fear” of doctors and everything medical, another 1 is concerned and supportive but well- there is only so much I can depend on her and yet another- well, I haven’t seen her in ages- living in the same house doesn’t mean acually talking when our lives are at such different phases.

Right now, I feel alone- SO alone- so lonely in anyone’s company- despite an amazing night with friends.

And I am so confused- so F*CKING confused- what the heck is happening with me- where is the iron maiden that is me, why do I feel as if a car has hit me and driven over me and cut me into tiny little pieces, why do I not know what I want, yet why do I know what I truly want and not sure how to get it.

I know I need a holiday and a trip to India but I don’t think this will get solved even then- I am so so so so tired. I am so down and out, that I really dunno what to do, how to solve it or even who to talk to! Damn, I need you Winnie but even that I am not sure is the answer for me right now.

Oh please, dear world- HELP! However, the one I know is I am not willing to give up- I am gonna try, try, try, try and try even more till I get what I want, ‘cos even if I need to completely reinvent myself somehow, I will succeed and be the happy person that I usually am. Boy, this is a tough blimp in my life and I for sure, can’t handle it.