I know I am tender and fragile but I didn’t realise how much till I just burst into tears tonight. I feel SO alone right now, it’s not funny.
I feel like a tree without any roots, a punching bag without any ceiling to hang from, a rock in an ocean with no sand to anchor on. I feel alone and desolate. I feel there is no one out there to just hold me and remind me things will get better.
Everything around me seems to be falling. Yes, my midas touch is working away but I also know it isn’t as effective as it can be and I suppose that’s irritating me.
I also wonder how much of what I am feeling is because of the way I feel unappreciated and taken for granted, unintentionally- it all comes down to lack of communication but sure, one can’t force a conversation!
Another part of me wonders how much is it because we both are trying to find partners for ourselves and looking for someone who loves us more than we love each other. I need someone who understands the importance of Ryan in my life and loves me for who I am- and yes, I expect my partner to love me more than Ryan does and I expect him to be my support more than Ryan is. Similarly, I expect the same of Ryan’s partner. Yet I know this is a bug ask- obviously it will take time for someone to get to those levels but let’s be honest, one can judge potential pretty darn quickly!
All in all, I know my life is falling apart everywhere- I have no idea where I am going, I have no clue what’s happening with me, I am earning less than ever, I am worth less than ever, I have more responsibilities more than ever, I have more needs more than ever and so, yes, I am scared. I am scared sh!tless and I have no idea how to even start dealing with it.