And then I discovered levels!

No, I am not talking of levels in Angry Birds, Bejeweled or any games, I mean in stress! I thought it was a case of black and white for so long that only after this weekend do I realise how wrong I truly was!

My day on my own was one of the best things EVER (like, evah!!!!)- the idea of being with myself, finding myself, re-connecting with myself is all just awesome! It was so nice to be decadent for a day and just be me, have a good time and really just focus on nothing but relaxing. And what a place to do it too. The place is built to allow one to unwind and relax- the best bit is there are NO kids allowed on the estate so no howling or crying, their relaxations rooms are amazing and I have gotten so many ideas for my dream house now, it ain’t even funny!

I understood so much about not just me but people in my life by being away too- sometimes it was their reactions that made me realise a bit more about them- for example, Snoopy completed overstepped the mark as an irritating friend by texting me as a customer, Ryan couldn’t fathom the concept, Tigger/ Winnie/ Candy/ Mrs F/ Curly- all supported me so much and pushed me to do this that I am absolutely over the moon to have such friends who understand me and care for my health.

The time to think cleared away cobwebs, it made me focus on what is making me unhappy and what I can do to deal with the current situation till I move back to the land of the living, it made me realise why I am losing respect for Ryan constantly, it made me face up to certain aspects I have been hiding from myself, it made me  plan out steps I need to make to be more the person I want to be, it made me realise the different levels of stress.

On Friday, I unwound a little, the massage put me to sleep and gave me pain due to the amount of pressure they had to use to undo my knots and get rid of the toxins in me! On Saturday, I unwound even more and by the time Sunday came about, I was much better- I could see the difference on my face, in  my skin, in my spirit but I also realised that there is still a huge hole- I need a lot of looking after to repair myself and till I don’t get it right, I ain’t gonna be able to move forward completely in the direction I want.

I also wonder what does it mean to be relaxed?! I mean, will I ever stop worrying about something- be it the company I am working in, be it the company I sit on the board of, be it my personal finances, be it my baby brothers and sisters, be it my mother/ aunts/ uncles etc- is it an age thing? Or is relaxation knowing that worrying is no good and it allows one to find solutions?! I hope, someday- sooner rather than later, I learn about it and in the meantime, I hope to get away more often on weekends such as this ‘cos the fatigue I felt Thursday night is no way to be.

Here’s sending peace, love and harmony to the world. Be good all. Love.

PS In other news, when the evil spirit darkened my doorstep after so many days, this piece came to mind and I am so glad I could follow it- I just avoid her ‘cos of the negativity it brings up in me and that’s just SO wrong!

It’s all about the people!

So a few days ago, I was talking of a mini hub that power couples form, and here’s an example of a lady who has her mini hub with her partner and few other individuals who she uses as sounding boards, as feedback generators and confidantes.

At the end of the day, you are the sum of the people you hang out most with! And that’s why I choose people with drive and ambition to achieve happiness and success in their own lives, people who think differently to me yet respect my opinion, people who have their own lives yet balance making time for the important things in their lives (ie friends and certain activities), people who think big, people who imagine, people who live and not just survive.

So today, think about who you surround yourself with? Because that could be the limiting factor in your success!

PS Does this mean I need to purge a few relationships?! Hmmmm…. food for thought!

I am tired.

Very tired- emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally. If I have left any other out, throw that in too. Back in March, I promised to love myself more and I truly haven’t been doing it… 😦

I have gotten some massages, some pampering done. I have cut out a lot of junk but not all. I meditate a wee bit more but then going from 0, that’s not tough! However, I haven’t made ALL the changes I wanted to.

Weirdly, when I first started meditating, I was told that there would be days when the negativity is coming out of my system and I will feel worse- maybe that’s why I went through the cocktail of emotions that was yesterday. It was a heady cocktail, but even ranting online did not do the trick for me, I ended up ranting to Candy earlier today and felt really bad afterwards, it felt a bit like b!tching even though I know I wasn’t doing that- it just came out without any menace to it.

But I realise, I have reached my breaking point, I moved to Laois exactly 52 weeks= 364 days. Initially, I had looked forward to it but I realise being this far away from civilisation, this far away from fun times, this far away from my friends is no way to live- it’s called surviving, it’s called existing but it certainly ain’t living.

And to live, I need energy and I am SOOOOOOOOO looking forward to my weekend of me- Mrs F may meet me at some stage, I might do some work, I might get a few things sorted that have been on the long finger but this weekend is all about relaxing, reading, watching mindless telly (Ok, so not so mindless telly- still addicted to 30 Rock) and sleeping- I need a lot of sleep. May get a hike in at some stage, if I can but all in all, it’s all about me. And though I do feel the slight twinge of guilt, I have to thank ALL my other friends who have pushed me to this decision- I am really looking forward to my day away and getting pampered.

I am so tired that I feel and look worse than a zombie but I am looking forward to feeling this fatigue work its way out of the system, looking forward to some nice meals and some amazing me time (a 20 hour meditation! woohoo)

♥

Sweet 16!

When I was 16, I was on top of the world. Well, to the outside world, that was the case- I was captain of many different teams, I was on national, regional, state level teams for a variety of teams, I was doing well in school, I was recognised for my talents, I was considered pretty, I was considered humble and I was considered a legend- yeah baby, I rocked 😉

I had the world eating out of my hands and that should have pretty much been the most awesome thing for a teen, but no- I craved for acceptance from my parents- for them, I could always do better, I could reach further, I could go beyond and it was never enough- being a gold medalist globally, being 1 of the top 3 nationally, leading teams regionally, singing with international singers, getting decently good grades, having a fantastic circle of friends were things everyone balanced regularly. At the same time, I had been sexually violated for the second time in my life and was told to brush it off ‘cos these things happen and I shouldn’t let it affect me.

So when my school recognised me for all my achievements and more, I lied to my parents and told them someone had played a prank and they shouldn’t come see me- not ‘cos I didn’t feel pride in my self but ‘cos I thought (and till date, still believe) they wouldn’t have been happy for the award I won but would have felt I could have won more/ gotten a different one or something else- and this is when I got what I consider the most special award- they had to create one to encompass all I had done!

Last night, for the first time ever, I acknowledged why I didn’t let my parents come that day to see me enjoy my moment, to see me get an award from one of my favourite leaders (yeah, the school organised it specially for me) and cried. I felt sad for both my dad and mum not seeing me up there on the podium, I felt sad for how much they pushed their daughter that an achievement was about how well it compared to others so much that even the best wasn’t enough, I felt sad for the kid who tried and tried and tried and just couldn’t get what she wanted.

Today, the same level of pushing me has gotten me where I am but what’s the point of it all if I feel I always need to be doing more because what I am doing is not enough- I compare everything and sometimes make the wrong decision because I feel I should do better, not because I want to- I always did the ‘right’ thing- I got engaged to the so-called-perfect guy, I got the career breaking job, I traveled to places few traverse- but I never felt I had done enough- if I did something in one field, I was lacking in another. And now, I don’t know the difference between right and wrong, between what I want and what I need, or so I think.

I want to be happy, I want success, I want to achieve, I want to build, I want to travel and they are all interlinked yet the scale for identifying success, achievements, travels is so messed up in my own head that I am not sure what leads to happiness. Doing what I am doing should be making me happy but I can’t enjoy it because in the process I seem to have lost a friend in Ryan. Oh, he’s there, we haven’t fought but I genuinely can’t recall having a good time and a laugh with him in a very long time- what happened to us coming home laughing, feeling good about a productive day and excited about the days ahead?! What happened to us sharing the good and the bad things in our life?! What happened to me being honest when he asked me for my opinion?! What happened to him being there for me when I needed him?! Why should I only need a hug when things are sh!t in my life?! What happened to us dancing in the kitchen, slagging each other and just having a great time? And because my only friend around is hardly there for me, I am lonely- yes, I know being on top is lonely but it hurts so much more when I know my friends are only 100 kms down the road, the ones who are always there at the other end of the phone but sometimes, you just need a hug and maybe no talk, just comfortable silence- for a person who usually aims for 8 hugs a day, when I get 8 hugs a week, life is definitely that wee bit tougher and with my mum so far away, at times, bleaker and lonelier.

And then there is the guilt- I earn well, why shouldn’t I spend it on me? Why do I feel so bad about taking myself on an extravagant weekend away because my spirit, body and soul all need reviving?! Why do I feel guilty about having made the decision to go away from the traditional suit-wearing corporate world? And why do I feel guilty about wanting to go back there and leaving the organisation I am in? Why do I feel guilty about making the decision based on my personal circumstance more than the amount of fun/ learning/ challenge I am having/ gaining/ facing at work?! Why do I feel guilty about even trying to make a decision?!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

To top it off, today is FL’s 30th birthday. And yes, I have accepted he has passed away and I have moved on but I miss him, ALOT. I so wish I could be sitting with him on the pier right now, talking of dreams, sharing ideas, discussing philosophy and just being ourselves. It has been 15 years yet there are times it feels like yesterday. I wish I had celebrated him 30th in a more befitting manner rather than sitting through an exceptionally boring dinner with Ryan’s new floozy- she might be a nice person but she is boring as can be.

And I am scared- so scared about the new project coming up in our office which will have been busy for the next 3 months- I have planned it so much that if it doesn’t meet my expectations, I will be gutted.

Why oh why is so complicated?! The mix of emotions- nostalgia, love, loneliness, anger, frustration, being taken for granted, nervous, guilt make a horribly vile tasting cocktail. I sure as hell wouldn’t get my worst enemy to even try it, ever!

30 Rock did it again!

“Drive, Ambition, Our belief that sex is a competition”- that’s what drives us Alphas, according to CC in 30 Rock Season 2, Episode X(!)

And to a great extent that describes the sort of partner I am looking for and in the same place as me- long distance just doesn’t cut the mustard for me any more… sigh, I sound so cynical and so full of myself. But hey, drive and ambition are just those factors that I admire the most and who doesn’t some good physical attention?! 😉

At times it’s scary how similar 30 Rock is to my life! Or has it been written to be that way?!

Be the change

For those of you aware of the happenings in India, you know that currently, Anna Hazarre is the man of the moment- he is trying to get the corruption out of the system and that’s no easy task. I am not sure I agree with all the points of the bill he is intent on getting passed but I like the idealogy behind it- I have seen similar things being suggested in other democracies and them still not being corruption free!

There are 2 quotes that keep reminding me about getting to where I want to be and they always inspire me- 1 of them is even inscribed on my iPad- how geeky!

"Be the change you want to see"- Mahatma Gandhi
"I am starting with the man in the mirror,
I am asking him to change his ways"- Michael Jackson

However, a friend of mine shared this story today and it is so beautiful, so touching and so in line with the quotes I mention above. This is the sort of inspiration I hope to be someday!Today, I am reminded yet again, how long a journey lies ahead of me. Here’s hoping someday the generations that come are like the lady mentioned in the story above.

Peace to the world!

Tina Fey Rocks!

You know I have always had a girl crush on Tina Fey, there I admit it!

And what I love about is how she is just so truly an Alpha woman, who wants to be liked but respected more, cares for what she does, a workaholic, has issues with finding a man who gets her and so obviously right for Alec Baldwin! Now in fairness, that’s Liz Lemmon I have a crush on but you know what I mean….

I was seeing the Season 1, episode 20 and 21 and I loved it totally. In so many ways, Jack and Lemmon show what a good team really should be- 2 friends who mentor each other, who hang out, who get each other and care for the opinions. In Episode 20, Lemmon was trying to save Jack from his golddigging fiancee and in Episode 21, Jack’s mother loved Lemmon and wanted her son to be with her while trying to get the message across that the fiancee was a b!tch!!

I think I smell golddiggers even before I see them- but that’s another conversation 😉

Night world.

This is why I am a workaholic!

‎"Are you bored with life? 
Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all 
your heart, live for it, die for it, 
and you will find happiness 
that you had thought could never be yours"
-Dale Carnegie

Purely Hot Headed of Me

So, as I was getting ready for bed, I went to brush my teeth and since my hair was a bit damp, I let it down and what faced me in the mirror was a beautiful lady with amazing self confidence and no need of makeup to let the inner beauty shine through- Jaysus, they say beer glasses are good, they should try tear glasses, they rock! I haven’t felt this good about myself in a while.

Seriously, I know crying is therapeutic and I know I am still not sorted out yet but it’s good to be on the mend.

I sure hope I don’t get too hot headed now!

Mini Hub

This topic has been playing in my head for a few days and so I finally decided to write it down! The other day I was talking to someone and they wondered how I sustained a relationship while I was on the top of my martial arts game.

I realised, the main reason we were both on the top of the game was because we both egged each other on, we competed with each other, yet we pushed each other and helped each other constantly up the game and get better, focus on the important things and find the best way to deal with everything. The two people in a similar situation will always understand each other better than anyone else.

Think about it, in my previous company- one of those names that everyone likes on their CV- always tried to get people to get together with other people from the same organisation! I used to think it was a form of talent retention but didn’t realise how deep it truly was!!!

So what really makes sense in all this? I think it is the same formula as why Silicon Valley and other such hubs form- it’s basic tacit knowledge! If I have knowledge of something and some skills and my partner has some other knowledge and complementary skills, we will always be better than a team with the same thing ‘cos my partner and I would be spending all our time together and due to similar interests, share more of the knowledge that you don’t tend to put on a mail or send as a memo. It also makes more sense as to why power couples become more powerful as every day goes by!

It’s funny, even when I put it in a platonic context, Ryan and I were so much better as a team when we hung out all the time and drove to work together cos we talked of things that weren’t directly related to work and I have seen our results plummeting a bit becos of us not driving to work together…. weird but true!

And this ain’t just in business,every successful couple are both top of their game (don’t need to be C level to be on top of one’s game!) and are constantly pushing and egging the other one forward, to truly realise their inner potential and be the awesome people they are.

And sometimes, it isn’t about even being in the same profession- take politicians and their wives (stereotyping but mostly the case), the wives get information from other wives and committee members of charity boards etc and this is all a part of the political agenda of gathering information and garnering more votes and popularity. See, networking is SO important 😉

I truly believe, to be truly powerful, you need the right support- in the family, the friends and most importantly, your partner ‘cos at the end of the day that is the heart of the hub you form around you and it truly reflects in your achievements- maybe that’s why i am surrounded by such winners (we all support each other!).

Here’s to forming my own mini-hub someday! Cheers. And since I wrote this post some 10 months ago, not rewriting it but feeling this way today- I miss a cuddle 😦

Why booty may be given the boot…

I love breaking rules and that’s why booty calls just don’t work for me 🙂 Heheh

Easier said than done!

Nice advice though!

Whoever I come in contact with today, please have read this advice and give me a smile. I need it.

What can we do?!

When I think back to 1946 and a group of students getting together to deal with the aftermath of WW2, they started AIESEC– an organisation to unite the world, to transcend boundaries and to exchange cultures and thoughts. To a great extent they succeeded, they have penetrated through huge societal barriers, they have created youth leaders, they have united a lot of people but the happenings of today make me wonder just how much have we really impacted the world around us?

Yes, I question this cult like organisation that has achieved so much and changed so many lives. But I also know if it weren’t for this organisation, things would be worse, much worse, infinitely worse. Every drop in the ocean counts and this organisation has changed many lives. I alone have been changed and have passed the effect on to some others and this trickles forward…

But is this the time to think of new ways of doing things- moving, traveling, working in other countries despite the red tape and bureaucracies has become easier for those with the means. We need to focus on a different level of the society now- the level that is inspired by all the images flashed on the telly, the level that thinks someone’s life has no meaning, the level that wants to reach higher but is not guided correctly. Programs like Junior Achievement do wonders, but sadly, they haven’t had the reach needed. There was another program in South Africa that tried to bridge the gap and I am not sure how it is doing now. I genuinely believe it is time to reach out to those who are caught in the gap between wanting to achieve all that they have been told defines success and not being told what needs to be done! But who is responsible for this? And how can we do this?

Part of me wonders, have we, as a society, gotten so involved in the lives of our own and perhaps, if they are lucky, the lives of our immediate ones that we have forgotten our responsibility to the community? I am ashamed to say I am the same- I don’t even know my neighbours- I may not even recognise them walking on the street! Is this really the way to peace and is this really way to celebrate life?!

I know I am ranting, repeating myself but I am wound up, I don’t even have a concrete idea of what we could do. Almost all my sensible friends are talking about it at some level, almost all  of them want to do something, but what?!

On a sidenote, I think people getting together to clean up is a great sign of solidarity- but the cynic in me wonders how long will it last?! And why do we need an atrocity before we get together, every single time?

I lament, what can we do? What can I personally do to affect a change? I wish I knew.

Peace to the world. May I wake up to a calmer planet- be it Syria, Libya, Egypt, India, Pakistan, United Kingdom or any other place facing some turmoil, any turmoil- natural or manmade.

In MJ’s words, heal the world, make it a better place.

Moan, moan, moan

Seriously, all some people do is MOAN! Why?!

Stop, count the blessings and stop moaning or at least stop making every conversation a moan! I use this blog to rant and rave so when I am with friends or talking to people, I am either only discussing things that are truly playing on my mind or having a laugh, cos it’s so much more fun and meaningful then.

Snoopy spent the whole week of her birthday moaning cos she had nothing to do yet she was out the weekend before, the weekend after and on the day- I mean, 3 different celebrations is pretty good going, me thinks- even I only managed 2 this year and we all  know how I love to have at least a few!

And she ain’t the only one, half of Twitter or Facebook or any other media seems to be ridden of people giving out- why have we all become so morose, depressing  and unable to think happy thoughts?!

What can we do to turn this tide and make the world a happier place again, anyone with ideas? I mean, London riots, Norway attacks, Bombay blasts… if we were all that wee bit more positive, wee bit more willing to take responsibility and do something other than moan & b!tch, there might be more peace and happiness to go about… or am I just being too wishful?!

Take the plunge…

As Nike would say ‘Just Do It’

Glamourama

This weekend was very good for my ego. As in, very. Weirdly enough.

I spent a fair bit of time with one of my closest mates- she got married to another one of my mates earlier in the year so I am totally over the moon!

And so fair warning- the rest of this post is very sappy, as in, its me giving myself an ego wash to remember this conversation 🙂

So in one of our tete-a-tetes, I told her how I was delighted she had reached out and we were so close today. And then I told her I was very impressed by how perfect she was- a perfect friend, a perfect wife to my friend, a perfect hostess, a perfect mate etc etc and how she was always so perfectly turned out. Her reply touched me, amused me and really made my ego inflate. She told me she doubled her spending on clothes when she realised her husband always spoke highly of me and that the one thing that always stood out for her was how I used to always be so well turned out and knew to act the part, in every occasion- from being silly in a club to a board member in the corporate world to a mate in a cafe and she knew to be his partner, she needed to adapt her style to that. Little did I realise that I was partly the inspiration behind one of those ladies that I admire so.

So here’s to me becoming that politician’s wife while being the politician too! heheh.

My ego loved this weekend, for many other reasons but this was definitely the primary- how cool. It did make me realise the best of friends are those that are constantly raising the bar for you and themselves, helping you along and taking your support too!

Stereotyping…

So, the other day, some of my closest lady friends and I were heading back from an epic weekend away and on the drive back, we started discussing women and the stereotypes.

I must say, I felt bad and a part of me cringed at the racist in me but a bigger part of me has shown I have almost always been right about these and my experiences have been such… so in my defense, I have experience on my side, and personal ones. I also apologise to anyone who reads these and is offended.

It started off with us talking about Russians (I am kinda seeing one so sshhhh but he’s male so obviously this doesn’t count hehehe). The Russians and Eastern Europeans are almost always gold-diggers and not consciously. They always marry up and access the basis of a relationship based on the monetary potential, and the materialistic one too. They will use their bodies and make a massive effort to maintain them to keep their partner interested and keep them plying!

Funnily enough, many of the Asian women are similar. Indian women may not use their body but they certainly would be very much aware of the need to marry up.

So is it that the caste system has changed to a different system that women now use to decide on their partner?

And as an Indian, how have I escaped? Or have I? Scary, scary thought! I love my possessions (my shoes, my gadgets, my jewelery is enough of a give away) and have been mostly successful men. I mean SL and I parted cos of his lack of focus but in most scenarios, I have been the one who would have been worried of gold-diggers…

PS On a completely different note, the romantic in me loves this pic– a recreation of one of my favourite paintings!