On days like today…


I cannot but help feel happy yet sad, ecstatic but depressed, lucky but unlucky on the day that marks 10 years to my father walking out of my life.

Every girl is brought up to think she is her daddy’s princess and she will always be the apple of his eye- to some extent, so was I. The day my day walked away, I hugged him goodbye and wished him luck for his “business trip”, expecting to see him on the Thursday after but well… as we all know, that was the beginning of a 5 yr long guilt trip for me- I blamed myself for it, I thought my rebellious streak had caused it, I gave up singing, I lost faith in men and I completely shut down and became independent- I shunned men (Thank you SL for making me believe in love again). I promised myself I will never let someone get so close that they can hurt me so deep (ha- failed there!). I promised myself I will never, ever be emotionally dependant on anyone- and failed there too. Many I am more human and emotional than I give myself credit for, maybe I didn’t guard myself enough, maybe this is yet another way of being tested but I have to be thankful to so many people who are there time and again for me- they  are just so awesome. They give me strength to deal with life, they show me reason to be the person I am and they love me for who I am.

Tonight, Ryan said the nicest words to me “You are the strongest person I know. You are awesome and so amazing. You have a kind heart, you are wonderful and you have the most amazing set of friends ever- infact there are times, I am jealous of you.” When someone so wonderful himself thinks so highly of me, it helps.

Earlier today, Curly called me up to just say hey and remind me I rock. And then Tigger just sent me some love. I mean, yes, I am losing the love of a father, and my mum’s boyfriend is brilliant as a substitute, and yes, I miss the man- despite everything, despite the fact that I wouldn’t be the person I am if he was still around, despite the fact that he was not the greatest husband/ father/ son/ friend, and yes, I know all that happened was for the best, I miss Papa and I wish him ALL the luck in the world and I hope he is happy in his own little way.

On days like today, I am thankful for the friends and the family I have- they are just SO good. Thank you all for the love, the hope, the strength, the courage and the friendship.

Love you peeps.

J

Added later:

I recently saw the film, Legends of the Guardian and the sky-lanterns in it were very pretty! And now, I have always been a fan of them and get a great selection of sky-lanterns in different colours and shapes on a regular enough basis but tonight I needed to set one off- not because it was a still night, not because I was in the  mood but tonight, Ryan and I flew one to wish my dad luck. And though I shed a few tears while missing him, while wondering if he regretted his decision and everything, it was really nice to “bless” him. Dad, I may never be able to forgive you- I am not that big a person- but I do not want to begrudge you either.

There was something in the act, in the beauty of the sky-lantern, in the wishing and making it more permanent that really lightened the hurt I was feeling and I am really glad I did it.

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