So remember, good as it is to re-visit old chapters every so often, don’t keep re-reading- go forth and write a new one!

Go forth, let your imagination through

And then I caught up with old colleagues and they all said I look absolutely stunning and well.

Great ego boost

Now if only I knew what was it that made me look different:

- New makeup? Nothing has changed, except maybe I have become more adept at using it?
- Exercising and fresh air? Potentially!
- SATC life? Could be…
- Getting snuggled, licked and loved by a dog? Definitely one of the factors!
- City living?
- New business?
- Making peace about a certain decision (thanks Candy, I adore you!)
- Or, maybe ‘cos it’s 2012 and therefore, awesome?

Not sure what the reason is but if it gets me so many compliments, whatever it is, please don’t change hehe

And on that note, I bid you goodnight. Sleep tight and sweet dreams, dear world! Love.

Last night, on Twitter, a friend told me my wordpress id was linked to a name and so out of curiosity, I asked which one- turns out it was my friend’s name- another Indian in Ireland (you have heard me mention in previous posts, infact). What I couldn’t fathom is how her google id and my yahoo id were linked up as one person and was freaking out about her being upset about the information on this blog.

However, she calmly had the situation fixed- people who previously got an email from me and have me in their contacts can see her name but no one new would be able to. This upsets me but it was like water off a duck’s back to her! I still feel guilty as I feel I have compromised her online presence and impersonated as someone else.

In other words, I am still PMSing. NOT good. Ugh! Why can’t life sort itself out.

Off to meet TSG tonight and hoping a hug from him will sort me out!

Is it because I still haven’t cleared the work stuff with Ryan?
Is it because of the stab of jealousy I felt with Tigger emailed me re her hols?
Is it because I have NO clue what’s happening with my life?
Is it because I am beginning to wonder if Ryan and I are being somewhat naive in the way he is thinking about business?
Is it because I can’t shimmy?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Or is this what PMSing is all about?!

And so I am working towards getting it, but every so often, i reach an obstacle- be it a writer’s block, a moment of doubt, a fight with my partner or the need to catch up on sleep or just this horrible, chesty cough that has come to revisit me.

And then I recall Ira Glass’s words

Words that remind me that sometimes, it is ok to take a moment and take it slow- ‘cos if you don’t, your work can suffer (read this article for more about good ideas- good read!).

So hopefully, I am now back up on my feet and am gonna kick some a$$!

Earlier today, Ryan almost missed his flight because he left his passport at home. However, due to certain decisions I made, he made the flight in the nick of time- as in, 5 secs to go! For once, he remembered to thank me and said “I couldn’t have done it without you”

And it made me happy- the little gesture of showing he didn’t quiet forget my involvement even if he questioned and frustrated me while I was taking charge really meant a lot to me. It’s in the small things! Now if only he could learn his lesson from this and realise sometimes it’s easier to let someone else make the decision and get the work done, with suggestions along the way from him or other members of the team could achieve more than trying to micro-f*cking-manage everything!!!!

So today, I was talking to him about some stuff in my life and taking his advice on a certain dilemma I am facing and catching up on his news, when I realised the last few months may have been the world’s way of bringing me back to earth.

Many people had advised me to sign paper work with Ryan before joining hands with him the last time and I scoffed at the very idea- I trusted him, and still do. However, I was definitely taken for a ride- in exactly the same manner my mum’s boyfriend had been 20 years ago- the similarities are so scary that the two of us were shaken to our very core.

I used to have a guard around me that I had built to not be hurt and I think being hurt by my best friend actually felt worse than being hurt by my father. At least with my best friend, I made the decision based on my own intuition and information and it was incorrect. I fought for him, I stood by him, I increased his profile in little ways, I built his empire and I am going in again and it seems, he unconsciously wants to f*ck me over again!

Will I ever learn my lesson? Ryan, will you please realise what you are doing and stop making me be the bad person in the whole thing?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH- just when I thought it was all over and was willing to close the chapter, it reopens and so does the wound and my self-doubt.

I am hoping this comes true!

Am I being really naive doing what I am doing?! Wish there was an easy answer. Every fibre in my gut says I am making the right decision but then again, it did that the last 15 months too…. Someone, Anyone, Angels, God, The Powers that Be- help me!

Thank you