1. Had a fabulous night out with my friends
2. Had a great week and some amazing alone time with Red
3. Signed a huge deal and set up a few important meetings- fingers crossed it all works out
1. Had a fabulous night out with my friends
Exactly 13 years ago, I gave you a peck on the cheek as I went off to college, thinking I will see you 3 days later. Little did I know, that was the last time I was looking at you as Dad- for the time we spent together, we fought, we argued, we didn’t share ideologies but we also had fun, we danced, we shared a love for food, we went on drives, we discussed politics and sport and whatever else. You took away my innocence and you also taught me not to trust anyone but you didn’t take away my belief in the good. The inherent good. There are times I miss you, or is it more the idea of you, I am not sure but more often, I am glad you aren’t there around me today ‘cos all I can sense is disapproval for my travels, for the men I choose, for the way I live and every other choice that has made me the person I am today.
I am glad you were a part of my life. I do hope you are happy and well wherever you are. I also hope that someday you have the courage and nerve to apologise to your mother and mine.
For now, I love you, I thank you, I forgive you and I am sorry.
Your (by blood only) daughter,
Spontaneity- I remember the days I was always spontaneous- my favourite memory being the trip to Jaipur with my mum and her friends while she had her leg in a cast and I was sick with jaundice!
Against all odds, we did it all, had a blast and enjoyed a memory that has lasted longer than 10 years.
Last night, after ages, I was spontaneous- I drove across the country on an impulse to spend some time with Red and I really enjoyed it!
As mentioned in my last post, while talking to Red last night, he felt I was being rather negative and resentful. These are not emotions I like to be associated with and so off I went into my introspective land to understand what was going on within me.
And I realised a few different things:
a. Some of the things I had never talked about and so thy were still a part of me and needed an outletb. Talking to Red is the easiest thing to do
c. Frogiveness is not a one-time process but a never ending process
d. Meditation needs to be done in moderation too
e. Breathe, smile and let go.
Here’s to me letting go and here’s to me realising that I have a lot to be thankful for:
Last night, while talking to Red, he commented as to why I am so resentful towards certain people and I realised even though I have forgiven loads, there’s always more to forgive and it is a constant process. Here’s to me forgiving more and here’s to me being forgiven more.
As this week marks 13 years of my family being split, it is only important I note the importance of it all to me, to my mother and to everyone else. I may have never know and understood the power of love and family if it hadn’t been for this event.
3. Game Face
There are times you don’t wanna do what you need to do. There are times you may want to curse but you can’t. There are times you need to keep an impassive face even though your face shows every single emotion. There were moments last week I had to have a game face and I think I successfully managed it!
1. Caught up with friends I had been meaning to for a while- and some others tonight
2. An amazing event attended yesterday and my business won everyone over
3. Doing some shoppin!
If one had to write a letter to thank you for all you have taught us about humility, about forgiveness, about grace and most of all, about love, it would still not encompensate the true spirit that is you.
There is more beautifully worded tributes going around than what I could say so all I want to say is thank you for being such a wonderful inspiration.
There is definitely a place in heaven (if it exists & if you believe in it) for you.
With all the love I can muster,
Its been a decade and then some- we have seen each other through phases we didnt realise we would ever have to face, we have stood the test of time by not talking for months and then spending a weekend of arguments and discussions that would make many people wonder how we did it!
We know the dark secrets we don’t wanna talk of anymore, we know the points we want to shout from the roof top, through driving lessons and through hospital visits, we have seen loads. May we see loads more. Can’t wait to see you at dinner tonight!
For the longest time, I scoffed at the concept of ‘need’- what is this need?!
And today, I am ashamed and I hang my head in shame at having become one of them people who ‘needs’ their partners, not just want! Yes, my friends, I have entered the minefield called emotional dependance and I am scared- scared sh!tless!!!
I know I can survive on my own, sure I can- I have survived major illnesses, my father discarding me, having no money, being shunned by my own family and breaking every possible rule put in front of me- but I don’t want to anymore- I want to be looked after when I can be, I want to be weak more than I want to always be independent, I want to know there is a safety net that is not just my mother, I want to know someone out there cares- unconditionally and absolutely for no other reason but because I am me and I know for the moment, I have that person. And yes, the more time I spend with him, the more I want. Dammit, yes I need Red. There, I said it. AAARGH!
You know, happy as I am that I never did end up with SL or TL, sometimes I can’t help but realise the advantages I would have enjoyed today if I was with them.
Those advantages may not be all that amazing but they would certainly made life a lot easier- easy enough for me to understand why some people marry for money or why some marry for a passport.
Over the past few weeks, I have been very introspective and realised that we, especially women, are great at making life tougher than it needs be and you know what- it really effing shouldn’t be that tough- it is about enjoying life and using the support we have to making it easier.
And I may not have realised this if it hadn’t been for someone like Red- who eventually will be able to give me the advantages I speak of should we go down the route of settling down together and sharing a life together. The irony of it all!
Someday, it will all work out and all these trials will be worth it- I have faith. Faith in the balance of karma and the universe. Please don’t knock me down again, please, pretty please.
Many moons ago, a very good friend’s now wife asked me to be her bridesmaid- today is her birthday and as I was chatting to her, I realised I hadn’t recalled that holiday in a long time.
I knew it has been a very fly-by-night sorta trip- I got in the day before the wedding, flew out the day after- I was shattered through it but to be a part of a Thai household for a day was amazing, to see how things happen from the other side was fantastic and to enjoy it all was pure fascination!
I love seeing different cultures and being a part of the local celebrations- if I had the foresight, I would have taken the right pictures and compiled a book f weddings across the globe- the cultures, the differences and most importantly, the similarities- they all celebrate love
This weekend I got some sleep and it makes me feel infinitely better. I slept in today but have had an infinitely more productive day already- go me!
That tingle when you are about to do something, that tingle when you are excited about something- reminds you that you are alive. Delighted I can feel it!
Having shopped most of my Christmas presents, I feel fantastic that I am not as burdened financially or timewise to sort things- do have a few bits and bobs to buy and have to wrap everything yet, but for the most part… all done!
1. A certain realisation about how I have emotionally grown a lot in the last while- realised it through my interaction with Shrew, Red & Chammiya
2. Signing of a particular deal that will hopefully get me a few new orders from a whole new dempgraphic
3. Going for a cooking lesson and having had at least one meal a day at home this week (eating just fruit for breakfast has not been taken into consideration this time!)
Dear mum’s elder sis,
When I was a kid, you were the scary one and you disciplined us. As I grew older, I got to know you better and then, I started spending every weekend (and then some more days) at yours as your sons and I got up to all sorts of mischief and then, one day, you became confidante and then another day, a friend and now I feel today, I have to look after you more than you look after me. It doesn’t matter whether we chat over our shared love for the Indian Chinese food, pastries or simple share an ice cream sundae- what matters is that despite everything in our lives, we are still as connected as we are and can remain so strong.
Thank you for everything.
I am actually gonna get my negativity about two things out first before I go on to the moment of the day!
I met up with a friend of mine after ages this weekend- he wanted to stay at mine for a few nights- all good. Now, when I stay at a friend’s, I either take them out for dinner or buy a small present or somehow show my appreciation- in this case, I ended up buying more beers and dinner or we went dutch at other times… and when he left, he didn’t say bye as it was early and I thought he was coming back to mine. This left me feeling a little used. However, having known him so many years, I am gonna put this down to jetlag.
And then Chammiya is in Ireland for a while too and I caught up with her. We were having fun, chatting away, she was being her usual obnoxious self and so on but what really p!ssed me off and I mean, really did was when she stated an opinion as a fact. She may not like my style of photography or art or whatever but to make it as a gospel statement saying I am a terrible photographer was something that really hurt. I really didn’t like that- had she said she thought I wasn’t a good photographer, I could have dealt with that- many think that, including Red! Each to their own but no one states it as a way of putting me down. I didn’t like that.
Anyway, ranting and b!tching aside- I have had a tough few days and a busy few weeks. I am shattered as can be and absolutely fatigued but today I was hit with a brilliant idea- an idea for one of the companies I am working with. This reminded me of the excitement of the first time I was taken in by the passion and tingles. The funny thing is I don’t recall what the idea was then, I do now but for strategy and NDA reasons cannot mention it, but it’s that feeling of pure exhilaration, the feeling of pure ‘this is it’, that feeling of amazingness that makes me feel so good today- almost as good as I did then! It’s amazing how little our feelings change for the same thing, despite the 15-20 odd years between the two moments (even if there were other such along the way).
Ego may be a bad thing but I am glad I am proud of what I do and take pride in what I put my name to! My work is important to me and even though it causes me pain at times, I am glad I do what I do, how I do it and why I do it.
I am glad I have his support and I am glad we care for each other as much as we do. It was a tough few days last week and me being able to turn around, let my guard down and just take his help was something I am very proud of having been able to do!
The power a smile has is just amazingly brilliant. Be it to a stranger, to a friend or just for yourself. It automatically brightens the day and is my favourite thing to wear!
When I don’t get food for almost 24 hours, I am an absolute wreck- today was a definite show of that!
I might have just hit a new low today…. insane….
- Tried to do a good deed and help a friend for her birthday party only to be told she couldn’t finally commit
- Was meant to go live 2 weeks ago, then 3 days ago, then yesterday, then today and you know what, was told 3 hours ago, it’s all go, came home from a night out to test it and guess what, still broken!
- Have been grumpy to Red for no fault of his all day
- Woke up feeling tired
- Lady problems don’t help
- Issues with suppliers re one of the other businesses is no good
- Got to a masters reunion to realise I was so late that I didn’t get to really speak to anyone
- Eat only a packet of crisps, a banana and a spoonful of Nutella all day pre drinking vodka!
- homesick as f@ck! I want my mother
- bad news from the banks in Ireland
- bad news from the banks in India
- no news from the gov of Ireland
For the first time ever, I felt like the biggest fraud on earth! I haven’t missed a deadline SOOOOOOO many times ever before and my confidence has taken the worst blow- please let this be the turning point now. I have learnt many a lesson but now, I need to believe, truly believe!
So yeah, basically, all in all, I want the day to end- NOW. Oh wait, it has and it still sucks.
Thanks Red, Candy, Tigger, Freud for just being so good, so huggy and my pillars today- my tears and I thank you for the love and patience you showered on me today. May you never be blessed with the pain I went through today.
1. Not killed the developers I wanted to, everytime they screwed up! (esp. when I saw the screen pop up saying my Skype name on their computer was “That Difficult B!tch”)
2. Eaten healthier and been good to myself
3. Went to 2 music gigs- been a while since I did that!
Every so often you drive me nuts but when I think back to the better times, we have always had a good laugh, shared the ability to hold a great conversation and discuss all sorts of things. It is brilliant to have someone such as yourself on my side. I am glad we slot so well in each other’s lives and with each other’s friends and family. Long may it continue.
I bless, I thank you, I forgive you and I am sorry.
The first time I went on a roller coaster- I didn’t know what to expect, I was scared… but then, I went again and again and again… and I loved it. I tried them all- the ones in the dark, the ones that went in every which direction, the ones that made you feel you were falling off a cliff, the ones that flipped you upside down… roller coasters were my thing!
I am getting goosebumps just thinking of those days. I wish they would still excite me as much but alas, other things have had to fill the gap!
Been a while since I just thanked my lucky stars for having the friends and family I do. They rock!
Lucky to have the work I do and the options I do. Not everyone is as lucky and I am indeed grateful.
If we gave up on hope, where would we be?!
There’s this theory that you are the average of the 5 people you spend most time time with… I kinda agree with it but with a few questions to be asked:
1. Is it the five you share space with, even if there is no or little conversation, ie workmates?
2. Does a dog count?
3. Does the quality of the interactions affect the time spent definition?
4. When you have a big circle of friends and you only see a few regularly, but have better conversations with those you see very rarely, what defines the average?
5. Do phone calls count?
6. What if your bestfriends are not the ones you spend most time with but still the ones who understand you best?
My average changes constantly, as I suspect, does everybody’s so are we really an average of the 5… I do agree with birds of a feather more, personally. I always seem to surround myself with the type of people I want to be, I aspire to be, I like being with, I relate to and I can be me with but they may not always be the 5 I spend most time with!
It’s you birthday and what better day to think of all the things we have gotten up to since we were kids. We became friends the first day of school, we sat next to each other in Nursery B, we missed school buses together in the morning, we ganged up against your brother today, we parted ways as our parents moved houses, we remained friends through letters, we ended school together and we see each other once in 5 years if we are lucky but weirdly, when all goes wrong, we call each other first. You have taught me the true meaning of friendship, the true meaning of caring and the true meaning of love. Someday, we will be the skype/ google/ other technology reunion ad cos our story is just that special.
Can’t wait to hear your voice in the next while when I sing Happy Birthday to you.
My sappiness continues… things Red did in the last while that were just very thoughtful:
- Despite being very tired, he went looking for a phone charger for me so I could charge my phone when I came down to visit
- I was working late and he went to bed before me- kept my side of the bed warm, switched on the light when I walked in so I wouldn’t trip and generally made me feel all fuzzy and warm
- Learnt how to cook a dish I love so he could cook it for me, my way!
- Made a cosy spot for me to work from in his place
- Left a toothbrush on my bag so I wouldn’t have to go looking for it when I woke up
- Made me feel like the most loved lady
Thanks Red for making me feel so loved and so cared for and for breaking down my defenses- all these things you do are not unnoticed or unappreciated.
I am gonna be sappy and I am not going to go back to a time long long ago but I am going to go ahead anyway…
Last weekend, after a very long time, I got to spend some time on my couch- it was clean, the room was neat and I could put my feet up in my bathrobe, feeling all comfortable- to me, that was pure bliss. The fact I had just been fed a massive feed by Red and could cuddle up to him was the cherry on the cake.
Yes! I know I have become one of them girls and to avoid talking about this to anyone, I am going to cherish the simplicity in that moment, the beauty of the comfort, the love we shared at the time and preserve it as a very beautiful memory for the years to come… as I suspect I may forget it if I don’t note it down!
There is something nice about spending some time lounging on the couch- I am so glad I got some time the past few days to just chill!
I love having the business brain I have- I am glad work is going well and constantly growing! I love business and I am very lucky to be doing what I am doing.
I get very passionate about things I care about and that feeling inside yourself that you feel when you are truly passionate about something is very very very special.
1. Set up a HUGE meeting for a business thing next week
2. Met an amazing lady yesterday that I hope will lead to a new friend
3. Played Cluedo after at least 15 years!
We met on a date- we had a great time, we chatted for hours, we texted for days, we knew what we had was special but we also learnt pretty damn quick, it wasn’t to be a romantic one… we could have walked away and let it be but somehow, we got through the hump and we became friends, very good friends- friends who don’t get enough time together but friends who love the time we do get, friends who share stories, friends who share secrets, friends who depend on each other. To be able to call your daughter my niece is a testament to the friendship we share. I am very happy you are a part of my life, for the laughs we share, for the stories we swap and for that we communicate even when we say nothing. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being a part, an important part, of my life.
It will be odd if I didn’t think of Diwali this week and more importantly, teen patti.
I will never the first time I was taken seriously at a game- we were playing at my mum’s cousin’s place and I was the youngest in the gang. I got a really good hand and knew it and kept playing. When it was down to the last two, the guy had a good hand and kept playing too- I knew I was on to a winner and he thought he was too… he was wrong and out of pity, he let the game end. Lucky him- I won. And I won big- big enough to pay for my whole holiday.
That year I learnt the saying “lucky in cards, unlucky in love”- I have till 2012, never lost in cards but then last year, I lost and I lost a lot. I have also never not had the option of a relationship below but this year, things changed. Coincidence, I presume.Either which way, seems to have worked out!
I wish I could have played a game this year but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Happy Diwali.
The other day I was out for dinner with Red and he was slagging me for being so fussy and then all of a sudden he went: “Don’t ever change that, please. Don’t settle for the second best.”
It got me thinking- often we settle for something less than we want and before we know it, it becomes the new acceptable quality level. So, remember- don’t change yourself either. It is worth being fussy, it is worth knowing what you want and it is worth having only that.
Diwali time- if I don’t think family, it would be odd…. I miss them loads and am glad they are a part of my life.
Just knowing myself, knowing what I want and being able to (mostly) ask for it.
Laughter and Joy:
Honestly, so lucky!
1. Got some good presents for my close friends and Red
2. Not broken down and cried for homesickness as I keep expecting to
3. Made HUGE progress with my own company- can’t wait to sign the deal now!
I am so darn glad you are a part of my life. We met about a year ago, ended up chatting about war and politics till 4 am one random evening and started planning dinners, pints, coffees and just pure fun. Today, when I am stuck at a work problem, you are among the first I call. And I know it is the same for you. We share our moments of highs and lows, we solve our issues, we discuss our plans, we advise, we slag, we are friends. I would almost definitely count you as one of my close friends today.
Thank you for being you.
PS The weird thing is I could never say this to your face- it would completely kill our bromance.
Today I woke up to terrible news re a robbery in Ryan’s office. Obviously, I am in shock and disappointed with someone doing something like this. But as my promise to self is to focus on the good, my memory today takes me back to my first big fulltime project with him and us sitting at home, eating a fabulous dinner, drinking champagne and being so tired that we fell asleep on the couch instead of partying as much as we would have liked!
Sometimes the rewards is in the little things- like friendship, laughter and sleep! Ryan, I hope you get through this tough period.
I just feel the need to rant as it has been a while… I have no real need to but still.
- A friend of mine posted something along the lines of why he bothers trying to do something and it made me think about the real motivations. Why are we so often blinded by glory that we forget to see the truth? And I know the individual in question is not the most ethical at the best of times, even if he is a good friend, so a part of me thinks this is karma and though I feel sad for his loss, a part of me feels vindicated and I absolutely disgust myself at the very thought. I thought I was above feeling like this and I don’t like this AT ALL. Somehow, I need the strength to be the better person.
- I am very happy with Red and yet, when I see other couples hitting certain ‘milestones’, I wonder about us. I know the path we have both chosen is off the norm (‘cos we are like that) and that we are genuinely suited together yet I feel I should be meeting some weird deadlines in my head. When all my life I have shunned from comparing myself against the yardstick of the society and felt like blazing my own path, why do I get sucked into wanting something I know I don’t genuinely want at times?! It’s like chocolate- even when I don’t feel like having any, I end up eating some!
- I am homesick. It’s Diwali time and I am missing my family. I am sick and tired of not playing teenpatti, of not eating badaam ki lojj, of not doing the rangoli and puja, of not being a part of the celebrations. I need to get home in 2014 to make up for all this.
On that note, life is good!
I am very lucky to have such a wonderful person in my life. I am worried I will mess it up all the time and I am glad we are as good together as we are. Here’s looking forward to the future together.
Everything happens for a reason. I am lucky it’s all happening the way it is- the good, the bad, the ugly. I do hope to get more good, especially the 6 things I keep repeating in my head to achieve.
Money does make the world go round, no matter what one says! It may not be the biggest motivator but the lack of it is a big deal. Glad I have the stability I need.
1. Threw Red a surprise party after a fabulous Oscar deserving tantrum performance
2. Had an absolutely wonderful meeting with some of my team to come up with some strategies
3. Saw 3 movies in the cinema- after a very long time
4. (for my ego) Gave a fairly decent speech at a conference last week and got recognised by some people on the street during the week!
You ladies came into my life by chance- we met for a coffee to see if I could give you the advice you needed. We met again, to become friends. Today, I use you guys as my sounding boards, as my advice centres, as my friends for support and I hope you do the same for me. I love you guys.
Thank you SO much for your help, your advice, your support, your words, your wisdom and most importantly, your laughs.
I remember the first time I kissed a guy, I remember the first time I fell in love and over the last while, I have been thinking of FL a little and realise I was very lucky to have lived that romance at the young age that I did.
Of course I miss him but I have lived longer without him than I did with him a part of my life and I am now with someone who I never compared him to yet somehow shares a lot of characteristics with. The way FL always made me feel amazingly special and wanted to help me whichever way he could is almost as awesome as the way Red makes me feel.
And what I truly adore is that though I was special to these guys, the way they care about all the people in their lives is fantastic and to know that you are sharing your (current and potentially future) life with someone that wonderful is most definitely one of the most beautiful moments and definitely a feeling I hope to relive again and again and again.
Ability to Talk
I gave a speech on Saturday about life and living, achieving dreams etc- was brilliant craic and even though I spoke for 50% the time I originally planned to, I had a great time and I think the crowd response was brilliant.
I am very very very lucky to have great friends and even luckier to have found some amazing new ones through Red. Was out with them over the weekend and they have all agreed to a teen-patti and Indian themed night to help with my homesickness! And the best bit- Red gets to host it
I am happy, genuinely happy. Scared of some decisions I am taking, nervously excited about what the future holds but happy. Sometimes, we forget how lucky we are.
1. 90% launched 2 sites
2. 55 is 95% mine
3. Caught up with The Shrew
Dear The Fs,
All three of you mean so much to me- thank you for it all. It started off with a boy and me sharing an office at work and now being an aunt to his son and a bestfriend to his wife. I cherish my relationship with you and hope all of you remain a part of my life forever. You all individually and together bring a great load of joy into my life.
Lots of love,
Do you remember the first party you ever really threw?
The first party you organised?
Not one done by the parents, but planned, catered, invited by you?
I do. I had forgotten but somehow a friend of mine sent me a mail after ages reminding me of the days I used to throw epic parties (I say days, ‘cos they are not the norm as they used to be- yeah, getting oldER)… and I realised it started off young- I had the traffic lights, strobe lights, big amp & speakers, smoke machine, tonnes of goodies and snuck in some alcohol too… all in all, it was my first and led me to organise many events in my many adobes over the years- from girly cocktail nights in jammies to back garden picnics to holi parties to Diwali parties and whatever else one may want….
So go on, find an excuse and host a party, will ye?