A lot happens in a year- I truly believe this:
This time last year, I would have counted Tigger and Ryan as two of my closest friends, Candy & I were going through our own transition, I cared a fair amount more than I do about Chammiya, I didn’t really know Lady, I hadn’t met The Shrew.
However, more than that, I think I have finally understood why I hated 2012 as much as I did.
1. Of my trilogy of “best” friends, two of them were not there for me. The rocks and support I had were moved from under me and I felt my absolute core shift and me not understand it. I have always kept myself guarded in the past ‘cos of my dad- I let it down most to certain people and two of them used it to hurt me. And boy, they hurt me- not by getting together (I couldn’t be bothered by that) but by not realising that it affected my relationships with them individually. At no point, did they try to preserve the individual friendships we had. They have truly become the couple that makes me wanna throw up- at least they are happy. And hopefully soon, they will calm down a little.
2. I felt I was more like my dad than not and I didn’t like it. I had ended my downward relationship with TL and been made to feel guilty. I ended my downward business relationship with Ryan and the guilt in me wrecked me. I felt I had walked out on 2 people who expected more from me, who wanted more from me and to whom I couldn’t give. I broke ties the way my father did. TSG was awesome in making me realise how different I really am.
3. I was with Roark this time last year and kinda hopeful about it. This year, I have been with Red for over 2 months now, we are not in a relationship and we may never have a future but I feel more safe and secure with him than I have in the longest time. He gets me. I do hope we are given a chance to figure out “us” but then again, c’est la vie.
Last year, according to many friends I was stressed, I was wound up, I was scared, I came across unhappy and I truly lacked focus. I needed the year to build myself up. This year, everyone has seen a calmer sense in me- I have accepted my faults, my weaknesses, my shortcomings. I am stronger, I am softer and I am ready for the challenge that life throws my way- I have been lucky to have found some amazing people who have stepped in and decided to help me out. I am truly blessed. I am lucky. I have a fabulous life.
I also realised I have been second guessing everything, been looking for my father’s approval, been wanting to do it right and in the process, have gone against my instinct and therefore, ended up on a longer route to where I may have been going but hey, it’s finally beginning to get there- slow and steady eh?