Feeling stuck, well you know what, you are the ONLY person who can make yourself un-stuck. (yeah I just created that word, so… your point being :p), so you know what, just follow these 3 simple rules ‘cos honestly they make sense.
PS I think I am trying to give myself a kick up the ar$e more than anything else here 
These are words you hear from someone who:
- either means it and often doesn’t say them, ‘cos it’s inherently just known
OR
- someone who says it but doesn’t really mean it!
I have heard them often but the best bit is I know who are the people in the former category and I know they have my back and I sure as heck hope they know I have theirs. The other day, someone tried to slag one of my mates behind his back and it was not one of those funny teasing comments but a malicious one and I got really fired up. I was told to calm down and not take it so personally- initially I thought I might have overreacted but realised actually, I was in the right- if someone said something like that about me behind my back, in the presence of one of my true friends I know they would have done the same.
I can slag my mates ‘cos they know I mean it in jest but buster, if you cross that line, you have me to deal with.
And funnily enough, I came across these pics on facebook:
I am, once again, really glad I have an awesome set of friends- some who would do a lot for me, some who would use me, some who I hang out and some who are just strangers in the night.
I came across this picture earlier today and I love the reasoning behind the 5 fingers…
Thumb: Amen, I am ok, have been and will be!
Index finger: I counted them recently enough in an earlier post
Middle finger: Rarely used and I hope to keep it that way
Ring finger: Once used
Pinky finger: Many promises made, most kept and others will be, I hope.
The only thing it doesn’t capture is my family but I suppose that’s the strength of all 5 combined!
Any geek, any Douglas Adams fan, any Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy fan knows this- and if you don’t know it, meh- you should. Simple as.
So… Happy Towel’s Day peeps!
So don’t forget to carry your towel today.
The last week, the weather here has been absolutely stunning and fab! I, for sure, am loving it- have played with Candy’s dog in the park, eaten icecream, worn no warm clothes out, bought a beach top for daily wear and just enjoyed it all…
You know the main reasons why I love Dublin in the sun though:
- People look happier- everyone is in a good mood
- People look hotter- yup, Sunshine said this earlier today and I totes agree- people make that extra effort
- People are warmer- everyone wants to share a good word with the other person etc
- The city looks prettier- I always think this city is pretty but in the sun, nothing beats it
- Pints in the Pav- no summer day is really truly fab without this!! For those of you who haven’t done it- trust me, you are missing out!!!!
A very warm me 
There are moments (and they are fleeting, fortunately- but strong, like the scorned moment earlier in the week) like these:
And since they are so quick and they pass me by so swiftly, I am almost constantly reminded of:
And the BEST bit about it all is I remember the value of the small things!
And I am so glad that despite everything, today I can truly say “I am happy” and I am glad I am enjoying the present as much as I am, ‘cos after the past few months, I am not sure what the future truly holds!
All I know, as Calvin keeps reminding me:
You know, when people talk of women being scorned, it’s often in the context of romance but there are other aspects to our lives too.
Over the past few days, I have felt betrayed- VERY betrayed. And that to by someone VERY close to me. A part of me expected this behaviour and is not surprised, another part of me is VERY shocked.
However, the strategic is me had put a few things in motion and you know what, someone will regret crossing their path with me ALOT.
a VERY disappointed me!
I got a really good piece of advice off a mate today as part of a conversation
“Don’t look as time as money. Define your time as intellectual property. If people are going to use your advise exponentially, how can you charge an hourly rate?!”
Honestly, I never looked at myself with so much self worth- I love these words. I may not take them all at face value but I will certainly consider them when trying to monetise my current consultancy, especially as it is focused more and more towards the startup world.
Here’s a bit of advice on how to continue enjoying life!
Here’s hoping I can catch up online soon- love, dear world, lots of love x
So, the last few months, infact, the last year has been rife with obstacles for me- I realised it first in mid May last year and tried to make many changes, unsuccessfully! However, it is the last one that really rankled me, it hit me at a spot where few others have, because it was unfairer than most and it is logically incorrect and that just frustrates me to no end.
My friends have been a HUGE support in all of this (as always) and this pic captures the words they men but somehow, I am finding it hard to have that faith, finding it hard to continue on and finding it hard to believe in life (no, I am not suicidal, don’t you worry- remember, that’s not who I am!)
It hurts even more, because it felt when everything was going my way, things just had to go f*ck up! Whether it was the new business opportunity, the new role I had identified and been headhunted for or Roark- none of these, and for truly, no fault of mine- AAARGH!
People keep telling me to have faith, but it’s easier said than done- I am not one to sit and twiddle my thumbs!
Faith… it comes from within, they say. Here’s hoping I find it soon, ‘cos I am sincerely beginning to give up on way too much!
By the by, came across some beautiful words that made me realise why I have such high expectations of me and why I need to focus on expecting less and less and less from everything and everyone around me (thanks TSG for the words!)
For the longest time of my life, I have had many discussions on this topic and most often, had the differing view. I have had many a male best friend, and still do. I have had many female best friends too, and still do. To me, friendship is not about the gender of the person but more about the connection I feel with them.
I was watching a film ‘Ek Mein Hoon Aur Ek Tu’ today- and I completely recognise the 2 roles- my father tried to bring me up the way Imran Khan’s parents brought him up- to do the correct thing (or well to be seen such), to achieve (materialistically and on paper, rather than in the forms of happiness) and yes, my mother was a part of it too but she allowed me to have the sort of fun that Kareena Kapoor’s parents have- the banter, the freedom to try your own thing etc…
Quintessentially, most kids have that in their families and the parents try to get them to strike a balance or it’s the human need to survive that tries to find a balance themselves, either which way, I have always struggled with that and still do- I mean, there are days like today where I should have gone a few minutes out of my way to do an errand for a friend but I knew, that doing that would just put me off the idea of going back towards the original destination completely that I declined to do that!
One of the main reasons I loved the film was it did not end with the two of them in love and in a relationship, it did show a good friendship. What I didn’t like is it showed one of them was in love with the other and that kinda does work with most people’s thinking that at least one person is almost always in love with the other or wants more- however, there are some, that just never do- Crystal, Spartacus, Ryan, Calvin are all names that spring to mind immediately- I mean, wonderful people as they are, neither of us are in love with the other one!
There was one song that really stood out for me:
I love the words of this song- primarily focusing on the importance of their friendship and how they find it tough to acknowledge life without each other’s presence and how they miss their bond- sometimes, this is the reason why I stand by my friends despite feeling like I have been backstabbed twice in the last 6 months by one of them- but the other factors stand out more and I still, do like him a lot- as a mate, potentially would be careful in some of the other areas going forward.
Ah well, c’est la vie- in most of the cases, I am lucky as can be and if a random night out is a good way to gauge my social circle, then I am flying high as can be! And the rest of the pieces will eventually fall into place- they are beginning to, after all.
PS I definitely believe 2 people can be just friends, no matter what gender- f*ck the world’s conservative notions!
You know, last week, I felt the world was my oyster- I was getting everything I wanted and then some, but today, today I feel disillusioned- a part of me wonders if it’s the sugar crash from lots of partying, the down after the high or just pure fatigue.
I feel the negotiations I am in the middle of are just not going the way they should…
I feel the men I am currently dating (keeps going between 3-4) are mostly well, not fulfilling the needs I have (and I don’t really mean the biblical ones but more the intimacy ones)
I feel useless as far as my family is concerned
I feel distant from most of my friends- pretty much all except Chamiya and Winnie
Basically, I am wrecked, out of focus and bloody disgusted with life.
Well, I am gonna try and get some happy thoughts in my head and get to bed so I wake up in better form!
I suppose I am lucky I am to be as blessed I am and to be leading a good life, if this is the definition to go by but still today, I don’t feel the love 
Night x
You know last night, I was out with some friends and we were talking about what romance means to us, what really grabs us and what keeps us in a relationship. It was interesting to realise (yet again) how it takes on a different meaning to each one of us!
Over the last while, Chammiya and I have been hanging out a lot and I have gotten to know her well- and since, had to change my initial thoughts- she is still trying too hard at times, I think- and she is very much a homebody and the simple person that I had suspected initially but with a very intelligent brain. And since she and I are so close- I have had the opportunity to see her relationship with her husband- 2 people you wouldn’t put together- both appear very different on surface and have a different type of depth in them- she comes across very open minded and unconventional but deep down is a lot more traditional whereas he comes across simple and boring but has an inner strength unseen by most with a sense of adventure (albeit in a traditional sense- he is likely to follow the tried and tested rather than forge his own way). Initially I wondered why they were together but I have seen in them, a relationship that is strong and mutually affectionate and full of caring and happiness. They work well because they are so different. To me, that makes sense in many ways yet I can’t see myself in a relationship like that!
There were many other relationships discussed, many other types of romance thrashed and I realised I am much like the lady Lindsey Kelk wrote about in Marie Claire (The Girl Can’t Help It, Apr 2012)- I am the one whose toes curl when a guy calls her ‘smart’. ‘intelligent’ especially if the ‘beautiful’, ‘pretty’ bit is not so high on the list. I am the one who thinks a guy who makes me laugh wins over a guy who buys me nice dinners. I am the one who likes to break the norms and make a relationship work in the best way possible for two people- whether it’s getting coffee at 11pm in each other’s gaff or a walk in the pier at midnight or a hike in the wee mornings because things are so busy to find time in the traditional day. I am the one who gets goosebumps when a guy earns my admiration and respect by doing something amazing in his life, just ‘cos rather than to impress me or anyone else.
Ultimately, romance to me is about those intellectual conversations, those silly laughs and basically a fabulous time together. It’s the kind of relationship where the two people in it find each other their kind of perfect.
Romance and relationship are 2 different things though, hopefully, the romance/ the fun/ the courtship leading to a stronger relationship and I think it’s when the partners can understand each other’s emotions and pain, especially when they are trying to hide it- in all honesty, to me, that’s not just in a romantic relationship but all the ones that are truly meaningful.
A similar discussion had come up between Roark and me when we were trying to figure out why neither of us was dating anyone at the moment (obviously not counting each other- which is well, over now) and we both realised we were happier being single than being in a relationship for the sake of it and the picture below just seems so apt for it!
The optimist in me knows that someday my childhood love is likely to come my way (again) and I am gonna find someone whose idea of romance matches mine, but in the meantime, I am loving life and the experiments it is sending my way!
♥
PS Apologies, once again, I started with one idea and ending up going in many different tangents :/
I am VERY keen to try an experiment- I don’t know how many of you will do it, but I would urge everyone to try their best.
I have a theory- a theory that makes logical, simple sense- if we all passed on a smile, an act of kindness, a cheerful word and didn’t focus on the negative and how it could be better, we would be happier and this would eventually lead to more harmony and peace amongst us all. So today, I want to try and make a change- a change that starts from you and me and I really, really, really urge you to help me here by spreading the word, please.
What I want you to do is go out and be kinder than usual- especially to a random stranger and do it not because I am requesting you but because of the sense of happiness and contentment you will feel… it’s really not that difficult- here are a few suggestions of what you could do.
And remember, the law of happiness and kindess states that “What goes around, comes around”
If you can share your stories with me (via email, twitter or blog), I would really, really, really appreciate it.
Thank you for being SO awesome and kind
A friend of mine, let’s call her Bridezilla as that was the reason we fell out is celebrating her birthday today- knowing her the way I do, she is at home with her husband having a meal cooked and loving him being the doting guy that he is and pampering her rotten and jumping to her every whim- I am delighted she found the man she wanted and I am really glad they are happy.
However, today I realised, the actual form of realising you forgive someone for causing you pain:
And Bridezilla dear, this is for you:
And on your birthday, I realise the importance of having people such as you in my life, so thank you
And I urge everyone to forgive, “forgive like you have amnesia”
I understand it’s not always easy to forgive but remember it’s a matter of inner strength, a strength that comes from doing the right thing.
And so I would like to extend to her, to anyone else who has hurt me and to the world in general, a blessing- a blessing of happiness, of peace and of constant true smiles!
Forgive, forget, move on ‘cos at the end of the day, life’s too AWESOME
So, go on, love your life- it’s actually quite simple!
For those who know me, I have (for the longest period of my life) been synonymous with red- red shoes, red clothes, red bags, red lipstick, red, red, red- my wardrobe is practically ALL red- but over the past 12 months or so, I haven’t bought too many new red items- maybe a bathrobe, a pair of runners but that’s pretty much it.
What surprised me is when I was in India this time, looking at everything in the shops- there were some beautiful red prints- they looked fantastic, the cuts, the colours but I just didn’t want any of them for me. I mean, my mother thought I was unwell (she hadn’t taken me seriously when I had said it to her earlier that day- Geez, mothers!)
I think one of the primary reasons was I realised my personality is fairly strong and outspoken, the red only accentuated the alphaness and kinda took away from the lady I can be- demure, sophisticated. And I think, it’s just everywhere- earlier, it was a symbol of confidence but when everyone starts using it, it’s no fun- to redefine myself now!
(and we all know I am not short of courage and kinda like to stand out!)
Instead, I am constantly in awe of yellows, oranges, greens, mustards these days- is it called maturing up, do you think?! Or are those the new colours that make me happy?
And talking of happiness and the post I wrote earlier today, this is pretty darn good advice!
Go on, people, dance in the rain, laugh with friends, play with babies, kiss the one you love, splash in a pool with a dog, travel an unexplored road, do whatever it is that makes you happy!
Apparently there are 15 things happy people do differently:
I know I am an eternal optimist, even if currently, my foundation has been slightly shaken, and so I am can’t help but evaluate each one of these- ‘cos after all, I like to believe, I am one of the happiest people around (at least in my own bubble )
1. I definitely have a lot of fear in me- the fear of so many things- the fear of letting my mother down, the fear of not achieving certain things I want to achieve, the fear of hurting people I care about yet I have a lot of love for the people around me- almost everything I do is motivated by love
2. I have learnt to not worry about things I can’t change and I suppose, in my own way, I define this as acceptance
3. I can forgive easy peasy- but I rarely forget and I know this is a huge thing but so far, I haven’t succeeded Someday I hope to learn
4. I trust those I really trust and once I trust, I am an open book unless I find reasons to not trust- the levels of trust may vary based on other circumstances too but for the most part, I only trust a very small circle of people- I believe in self preservation- I am not sure I have the energy and strength to go through the pain of being back stabbed ever again in my life
5. I am very ambitious- to me, my ambition is driven by the meaning it brings to my life so in this instance I am not sure of the difference between these two- to me, they are almost the same thing
6. I usually praise more than I criticise. I also realise I expect of others the same levels I expect of me- not a good thing, ‘cos I am setting myself up for failure- no one else. I need to stop finding the small things that bug me and truly enjoy the small things that make me smile- like a hug from my niece Anarkalli
7. I love challenges, I thrive on them- my current challenge is dealing with all the challenges that I am facing together
8. I am definitely not the most selfless person around but then I can’t think of anyone who is completely selfless- everything is driven by some sense of want or need and doesn’t that inherently mean some level of selfishness?
9. Despite my meagre income currently, I am abundantly surrounded by the love, laughter, friends that I really need- if my trip to India was anything to go by, I have learnt even more how lucky I truly am
10. Who defines our reality?! This is a discussion Roark and I seem to be having on a very regular basis these days as we both try to define our reality as a potential couple but yeah, in the meantime let’s keep dreaming
11. I believe I am considerate and this is my way of showing kindness- I may not give the homeless food but I like to believe I always have a nice word for the people I come across
12. I am very grateful for a lot of the things I have in my life- even if I do take some things for granted every so often! Thank you dear universe, once again, for all that I have- especially, my health- the past few scares have been well, very scary
13. I don’t always succeed in this instance- I often go too many steps forward in my own head, I go off tangents, I analyse the past, I think of all the potentials in the future and yeah, often I do enjoy the moment but at the moment, I am truly failing at this one
14. I am an optimist- no doubt here!
15. I do tend to blame (more often something within my myself than not) but still there is room for improvement here
Wow- if I make the changes I obviously can, I wonder how I will handle all this happiness! Hopefully, I will manage to improve on my weaknesses and spread more happiness, smiles and laughs in the world…
And I personally think, happier people hug more- they like hugs, they like showing the people around them they care and after all, hugs are therapeutic!
Here is another article re 15 things to give up to be happy- not sure I completely agree on all of them either but that’s for another day!
You know, for the longest time, I had a note like that on my mirror but over the years, I have learnt this is actually one of the worst pieces of advise ever.
I would like to change this to “The only people you need in your life are the ones you feel you need.” It kind of reminds me of something an uncle of mine said to me many years “Give to others what you think they deserve- take from others what you think you deserve” and then there will never be a feeling of obligation or a case “I should”.
I have MANY people who need me in their lives, but they may not always be the people I need- I need some people in my life, all the time:
- My mother: yeah, she needs me and I need her
- My mother’s boyfriend: definitely a case of me needing him more than him needing me- this has no corelation to the love we feel for each other
- My best friend, Ryan: totally mutual- we both need each other but to varying degrees for various different aspects of our lives
- My best friend, Winnie: again, mutual but I suspect I need her more- she is a lot more independent than I am
- Some of my other friends: some need me, some I need- you know what, it’s just the way of life- after all, if we were all mutually dependant to the same extent, life could potentially be very boring- though, the one relationship which I think should be such is that of a couple- a husband and wife but even that I don’t think would have the two people equally dependant on the same aspects as a complementary relationship is always much stronger.
Over the past few weeks, I have had a chance to reevaluate my relationships- partly ‘cos I have had to, partly ‘cos I have been forced to, partly ‘cos I have realised how I need to grow up and take some responsibility for elements I had just taken for granted and so going forth, I am only going to focus on relationships I need and if those people need me to, I am in luck- I am gonna put a stop to the tit for tat that seems to be constantly surrounding the way we deal with things these days.
And now- to go celebrate life and one of those people in my life that I love spending time with!
Laters peeps- enjoy a fabulous weekend
The other day a friend of mine asked me how I was enjoying the current phase of my life and I kinda loved the term he used “blank canvas”.
In a lot of ways, this is a moment of truth for me- as I turn a corner in my life, I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot more to look forward- in the past while, some of my core beliefs have been challenged, some of my most amazing relationships have been questioned, some of my very decisions have been overturned and it is now time to look at everything in pure simple grey and white light to figure out what works for me and me alone- for the longest time, I have done what is the right thing to do, now it’s time to do what I want to do. I have found a sense of inner peace, a sense of enlightenment, a sense of awesomeness, a sense of comfort in knowing that ultimately I have lead a great life and I am happy being the person I truly am.
And with these thoughts foremost, I am off to the land of the nod, a happily happy person, surrounded by the cloak that only comes from knowing that no matter what, life works itself out.
I mean, my passions in life- I love traveling most, but a close second is fought between photography, business, chocolate and shoes. So when Christian Louboutin talks about shoes, there is no way I don’t feel the urge to comment. So here’s his list of the top 10 shoes a lady should own and my opinions:
1. The Flat Sandal: Agreed- sometimes, the best accessory for a dress- it can dress up a simple dress, dress down a formal dress, provide comfort and kind of shoes a very sensual part of a lady’s body- one usually not seen that way! My favourite are the kind that are simple yet classy, sophisticated and chic.
2. The Evening Boot: This is an area I haven’t been wowed by anything- no boot is good enough for a black tie event I think. I do love the idea of a lace boot though- I have them in ankle boots and love them senseless but yes, there is something else about a leg covered in lace- it’s all about the right pattern and combination with the right dress that matters though!
3. Nude Peep Toe: Nude peep toe, nude pumps- I think they are both musts but I feel, in patent and in the correct shade- not all work with all kinds- people need to make the correct choice and sadly, people, like picking the incorrect foundation, make this mistake too often to remove the elegance. Talking of which, I need these added to my wardrobe too.
4. Classic Heeled Pump: For a girl who owns primarily only these in every conceivable colour, I agree! I love them- the skinnier the heel, the better!
5. Strappy Day Shoe: Not so convinced about this one- I have very few of these ‘cos at some level, they feel a little “40 years old” to me :/ Sorry peeps- I have a few years to these yet.
6. Flat Slipper: I like the concept- esp to carry in my bag for walking. Am not sure I agree with the chosen picture by CL for this one but something simple and pretty does the job for me- I need to invest a few more of these too.
7. The Statement Shoe: Again, I don’t agree with the shoe CL has selected in the article but I agree with statement shoes- I have a few myself after all!
8. Classic Boot: I love, love, love a good boot- as an owner of many different pairs over the years, I understand their importance greatly and am a MASSIVE advocate of a good boot investment- every girl should own black and brown at the very least, I think!
9. The Ankle Boot: I am beginning to change my stance on this- I used to be anti the idea bit I am on the lookout for a pair myself now- think I have Candy to thank for the change of perspective here!
10. The Uber Heel: Love, want, love. No other explanation needed.
I personally feel a girl needs a few more pairs in her repertoire…
11. The Lifestyle Sneaker: There is a place and time for these- be it Cons or Pumas, every girl should own one
12. Flip flops: Cos sometimes they are the perfect accompaniment
13. The Graceful Wedge: Not the thick, chunky ones but the nice, pretty ones
14. For the Indian in me, the pretty slightly heeled sandal: For the sarees, the salwar kameezes and esp the anarkalli suits, an absolute must!
Sigh, shoes- drool. I heart heels- the skinnier and higher, the better!
Somehow the other day, a friend of mine and I were talking and she said Ryan and I should never end up together (amen to that) because it will be a case of the tiger (or tigress) and a teddy bear- tonight that really made me laugh when I was out with Candy, Tigger and Ryan.
One would imagine being surrounded by 3 people I call my best friends, I should be on top of the world- but somehow, I felt lower than ever- I felt like such a loser, an underachiever and a leech- yup, the very animal that sucks your blood dry. And you know what- it’s completely unreasonable.
- Candy and I have great times when we are together but I get the feeling she is peeved about something and I dunno what. As a housemate, there are elements she needs to learn but so far, no issues worth bringing to attention- whether it’s her penchant for keeping the parking key in her car or having kept the post box key on her constantly or whatever else, ‘cos genuinely, once they are dealt with, it is a forgotten matter; yet I somehow get the feeling I am always at fault!
- With Tigger, there are underlying issues I cannot even begin to unravel- and right now, I am not even keen to- you know what, she needs to deal with her head her own way. I know she is keen to kiss Ryan but not for much more (I see disaster written all over it and I am kinda keeping out of it ‘cos who am I to say a thing)- there may be a few drunken snogs, a bit of fooling in the bed but that would probably be it for her and I know he is the one likely to be hurt. No matter what, she will expect me to stand by her and say she is the one correct and choose between my closest friend in the world and her. As if, I ever will- they are two different people and they mean different things to me. I am not sure what blessing or permission she keeps asking me for- it’s not as if I have a right to give it- the only day this relationship will ever get my blessing is on the day they get married- before that, no such thing!
- Ryan- where does one even start- he has an idea in his head about who I want for him- not realising all I really want is for him to be happy. I do hope he would choose the correct partner for himself but so far he has never done that and I honestly am not seeing much hope of that in the future either (at least not currently). He is the one friend of mine that I know can do anything to and he will be there, he is the one who know he can do anything to me and I will be there, we have taught each other the true meaning of the words friendship, soulmate and unconditional support- I know, no matter what, he will always be my side so when he asks for permission to kiss a friend, I am baffled and confused.
What more am I meant to do? What is it that I am meant to say? I have sad very clearly that as far as I am concerned, they can do what they like- till the time, I am kept out of it, so why oh why, am I being dragged into this mess?! And why I being called selfish, b!tchy and every other word under the earth for not being able to guess how the dynamic will change- to think the dynamic wouldn’t change is foolish- it already has- I don’t enjoy the trip of Tigger, Ryan and me as much as I used to- it is fraught with selfishness, with disrespect and with dishonesty- how in the world can I stay immune to that, especially when I am so good in the process of reading the unsaid.
Ryan brought up the whole ‘talking in his sleep’ episode from last year tonight- I wish he would realise that there is practically NO danger of repeating all he said to me anywhere ‘cos the things he said were all directed to me and subconsciously he knew it was getting off his chest- we have realised, he always says things better in his subconscious than in his consciousness, so I wish he would realise, he has nothing to worry about.
Tigger brought up old friendships and didn’t understand why I feel she has taken me for granted- she wants me to befriend her boys when she is dating them and then dump them when they are no longer in her life, not realising that I have vested a friendship in the meantime. It’s like me asking everyone who is friendly with any of my exes to stop being so ‘cos I have moved on- that’s plain silly, in my perspective. But then, I have said previously, I find her thought process very hypocritical and immature.
I am just beyond all this- for once, I wish, the world would do something in my favour- yes, it’s doing loads, but could it give me the strength to cope with the rest a lot more?! The biggest motivator I have right now is knowing it’s going to be worth it!
Please make me feel that it’s been worthwhile soon- somedays, I lose hope- no matter what the other says, it is about what I feel, ultimately.
So, this trip of mine was very internally focussed on looking after myself and hence, I planned a few mini-trips out of Delhi so I wasn’t always surrounded by the cloud of cancer! The first one being to a place called Bandhavgarh.
The journey to the centre of the country is certainly not easy- the closest train station is a 45 km drive away (Umaria), the 2nd 2 hours (Katni), 3rd 3 hours (Satna) and 4th 4 hours (Jabalpur). Sadly there is not much to do in some of those places… so the focus needs to be very clear and the roads aren’t always great. And oh0 definitely forget the idea of trying to get food en route- even a packet of Uncle Chipps were difficult to come by!
Near Umaria: There is a huge mining district here and if one is keen, coal mines can be visited- we didn’t do this. There is also a single temple closeby with similar architecture as that portrayed in Khajuraho- we stopped here for a very quick visit as the sun was too strong and I have been to Khajuraho and my sister is planning a trip there in the future.
En route from Umaria towards Jabalpur: There is a “stopping” point called Shahpura- this is where the taxis like to take a tea break- horrible spot- we didn’t eat anything that was not packed due to the flies and unhygienic conditions! About 15kms from here is a Fossil Park that I wish I had known about so I could have explored it. This seems to be something the locals never really talk about but from my understanding a volcano erupted and everything has been preserved as is from the many years ago, including dinosaur eggs (myth or reality- am not sure!)
Katni: Since we never went there, I can’t say about all that is there but I believe there are some amazing pre-historic caves and dwellings (near the DC’s house is the landmark) that are worth checking out.
Satna: Nothing at all!
Jabalpur: The awesomely pretty marble waterfalls. The falls have marble on either side and they are just absolutely stunning, I would imagine even more so during the monsoon seasons when they are absolutely massive. I went expecting Iguazzu and was a wee bit disappointed but nevertheless, they had their own charm. Even though we went on a random Wednesday afternoon, it was brimming with tourists and people, so that certainly takes away some of the pleasure…
During our journey, we had some interesting conversations, met some fascinating characters and basically savoured the Indian railway experience that is unique in its own way!
I have figured there are some characters that can be found easily:
#1: The phone talker: These guys will spend all their time on the phone, talking to other people, loudly and will ensure everyone knows how prominent they are in the society, who their family members are, what they do etc etc etc.
#2: The sweet boy: This will usually be a college student who is still trying to find his feet and will offer to do errands, offer you their food (a big no no in trains to share, btw, for safety reasons) and will spend his time trying to look cool with earphones.
#3: The religious fanatic: Sometimes will try to get people involved in ‘kirtans’ and discussions regarding the Gita- poor lad should be prepared for the atheists who have extensive knowledge of the Gita though- I suspect he will not forget his encounter and argument with me anytime soon.
#4: The oldie: They will invariably have the top berth and want to swap it for a lower one. They expect you to do it ‘cos they are old and often consider it their birthright and forget politeness in the process!
#5: The amused: Me- there are always a few who are too busy having a good time observing it all, taking it all in and enjoying the ride!
So we finally did get to Bandhavgarh and were lucky to be staying in a beautiful place- great hospitality, clean rooms, wholesome food (not very hotelly, not very homey), well priced. I highly recommend this place and if I ever go back, I will stay here again. The owner there is a massive tiger buff and loves to talk about his experiences with them and gets exceptionally excited about every tiger he spots- which are not as uncommon as one would imagine!
We did a total of 3 safaris- there are 3 safari options: Tala- always booked out months in advance so plan well and considered the best place to spot tigers. Also the driest so with few watering holes! The most restricted area as it is too tough to go from one path to another and it is very closely monitored, Maghdi- the second best option and the one we spent our time in- small area but exceptionally dense with 2/3 big watering areas allowing for some good spotting, Khitauli- the newest one coming up now. We had a driver who was a goldmine of information and very good to us on day 1- after that he seemed to lose his enthusiasm but either which way, a fountain of knowledge and available independently- his name is Bhammud and he can be reached on +919425344221.
There is the option of climbing to the fort and though we had the option of being 1 of the 2 cars, we had to decline the option due to the heat- it’s a good 2-2.5 km hike which would normally not be an issue but for the heat so I recommend doing this in the winter months only. There are ruins there with not too many other options but the 16 reservoirs for water are meant to be intact, as are some of the religious statues dotted around. Apparently, some of the rare birds can be spotted here.
All in all, not much to do but go for safairs, eat, sleep and enjoy a good break! For those keen to see a tiger, I highly recommend Bandhavgarh but do be aware, it is overcrowded with tourists and not the spot for a serious naturalist etc!
The pic says it all!
It’s been a while since I penned my thoughts down- primarily because I have been SO stretched- and most of the time away from work or well, not working as much as I usually do.
I am gonna try and focus this post on my time in Turkey- what I thought of it, what I recommend, what I loved, what I didn’t like as much etc etc etc…
#1: They need to sort out their immigration for some of the Asian and almost all African countries that have the option of visa on arrival- a 2 hour system and 5 queues later, it was a bloody painful welcome and kinda put in a bad mood for the rest of the day
#2: Women are accorded all sorts of respect but there is an unspoken understanding we are the weaker sex and we should do as the man says. I ended up adopting a fake husband to deal with the fact that I was a woman travelling alone! Infact, the only time I saw Turkish women was in the plane, in the airport and at the hammams- otherwise, all the tasks- especially those in the public eye- were accorded to men.
#3: Like the Indian men, the Turkish men feel it’s ok to stare at women. Ugh, respect people. We are not meat.
#4: Language is beautiful- there is a bit of Persian, a bit of Urdu and I presume some others mixed into their language and so I loved realising some words were exactly the same there as here.
#5: Turkish tea kicks Turkish coffee’s ass- seriously. Loved it. No milk, no sugar- and it’s gorgeous.
#6: The people have VERy strong views about whether they are European or Asian, should join the EU or not, should have open boundaries or not- they have strong opinions and stand by them- rightly, wrongly etc
#7: Their flights are never on time- 75% of my flights were late- on Day 1 by an hour meaning I got only 2 hours sleep at night, Day 2 by another 2 hours implying yet another 2 hour sleep night and finally on Flight 3, 2 hours late to get me to my mum
#8: They are EXCEPTIONALLY friendly! Everyone was keen to talk to you, everyone wanted to help you and yes, one is worried of all sorts of scam but most of the time, people just wanted to help you even if the non-guide population doesn’t really speak english and communication is tough. I recall one particular gentleman who told me to get off a metro stop too early so I could get amazing night shots since he had seen me with my camera!
#9: Cyprus is another version of Northern Ireland or Kashmir- the people don’t care of it as the government and their egos do!
#10: Cappadocia is amazingly beautiful- a must do once and definitely MUST do the hot air balloon- it was some experience!!!! I loved it
#11: Hammam is an experience and a half- I went twice thought that was a bit of an overkill but I do recommend doing it at least once. I loved the bubble soap massage that was something else! If for no other reason, give it a shot.
#12: Istanbul- a city of choices- it gives you a lot, it has a lot to offer and in many ways, it’s like Delhi. But what struck is me is how tourist friendly it is and how clean it is. I highly recommend doing the Old City yourself and walking around Sultanahmet yourself- please don’t do one of those guided walking tours unless like me, you are in a hurry and wanna skip queues to buy tickets and enter into museums etc. And oh- please please please please do the Bhosphorus, party in Taksim, walk under Galatta Bridge and eat fish and bread, walk in Egyptian Bazaar, skip Grand Bazaar, walk the city at night and take a random spot and walk back to your hotel
#13: Safety: 3 am, camera in one hand, beer in another, a lone girl walks back to her hotel… and doesn’t feel unsafe- absolutely amazing.
#14: Hospitality: The hotels will do all they can for you, the tour operators will go out of their ways but the guides are useless- I dealt with 4 in total and none of them made me feel welcome or were friendly- they look at the tourists that help them keep a roof over their heads as idiots- I understand they get frustrated with some of us, have had enough and are impatient but customer service can’t afford to show that to the client!
All in all, an amazing country- will I go back? Maybe to other spots but not one of my all time favourites…
(PS Very rare but for once, the pictures in this post can be credited to me)
”It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves.” – Andre Gide
Go on… do it!
Enjoy the adventure- it’s only gonna be as much fun as we make it!
And one of the quickest ways of doing it:
Holidays, here I come
Happy Mother’s Day!
And for the most part, 2012 has been way off plans but still brilliant, or maybe, that’s why brilliant and awesome.
- I started a new company and it may not have gone the way I wanted, I tried. I have some good options and hopefully, it will work out soon.
- I have been very sick and it has been a harrowing experience and to have gone to the levels of depression that I did and to have come back out knowing that was not a me I was comfortable with made me realise yet again who I am- basically, an optimist
- I have a fantastic set of friends- the last few days of constant partying define that too
- Despite all odds, I am going on a quick trip to India with a 3 day holiday in Turkey thrown in
For the first quarter of the year to have thrown such results already, one has no reason to complain- after all, Life Is Grand, as the Irish would say.
And oh- Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Here’s to being Irish
And one of the best ways to celebrate it is with this pack of sweets
I came across a link earlier today about the 41 places one must see before well, they die- some of them interest me more than other- looks like holiday plans for the next 20 odd spots SORTED!
For the moment, I am just delighted about the idea of Cappadocia- one of the MUSTs on my own personal list.
However, selfishly I am really peeved off about my holiday too- I know I should feel for my gran and I do love her and feel sad for her but I really didn’t want my holiday to be about being the responsible one- I am SO tired of duty, responsibility, what I should do, what is the right thing and I really really really really really really want my mother fawning over me and not me running around between doctors and hospitals. And I feel exceptionally guilty about feeling this way
I have often said life is a roller coaster (Can’t say the original words were mine!)
As always, I like to break the rules and so I will scream AND enjoy the ride! And I cannot wait for the next high and the next low and the next turn and the next moment of being upside down, and yes I will rant, rave and give out all along but hey, that’s just the way I roll.
For now, I am gonna get EXCITED (Oh SOOOOO excited) about Turkey and India- bring it on baby, bring it on. Boo yeah.
3 days in Turkey and it is planned SO awesomely!
Day 1: Fly to Cappadocia
Day 2: Hot air balloon around Cappadocia and then a day tour around the fairy chimneys, underground city etc etc etc before heading to Istanbul
Day 3: Old City of Istanbul
Day 4: Bhosphorus Tour and onward to India
Now I know I have crammed A LOT of things into a very short space of time and am only barely scratching the surface but you know what? I would rather see a bit of loads and get a feel of what I would like to explore more later than see one thing extensively and regret not seeing the other areas. So pretty darn cool.
I can’t believe an idea that was formed in my head was completely executed, paid for and finalised within 4 hours and I am going to be in Turkey on Monday- that’s like less than 4 days away. Whoa- BRING IT ON.
So I have been saying for the past few weeks that I would love a break, would love some time at home, would love to get away… well, I have finally decided on an almost impulsive trip- if all the things fall in place, it is going to be EPIC!!
I am considering going on 3 mini holidays in the next 3 weeks! Now how’s that for making my wishes come true? The idea is to go to India via Turkey:
Holiday #1:
Something like this: in Istanbul
- Topkapi Palace
- Blue Mosque
- Spice Bazaar
- Hammam
- Hagia Sophia
- Archaeological Museum
- Bosphorus Tour
- Based on price, Cappadocia
Holiday #2:
A few days with my mum and her boyfriend, out of town, getting some sun, getting some exercise, exploring a new spot, having a few cocktails and kinda just going somewhere off the beaten path.
Holiday #3:
Winnie and I plan to head to a spa in Pushkar in Rajasthan- apparently this is a good spot to rejuvenate, rest and get pampered.
And how cool would it be to catch up with my mates?! Between Calvin, Salfa, ChiseledCheeks, Winnie I am looking forward to some good laughs, some fabulous memories and some fun time.
With a few days away from Delhi being pampered, I am looking forward to getting my energy back.
With a few days with my family, I am looking forward to having a good time yet being absolutely exasperated!
Fingers crossed, all goes to plan now. Pray, pray, pray!
Men tend to make a big deal of dating a girl… I understand why- we are complicated creatures. However, deep down inside, I suspect, we all want exactly the same thing from our partners- love, respect, trust, loyalty, honesty- we just portray it differently.
To men, strength is in being the protective one. Apparently our strength is in showing our vulnerability- duh, that’s obviously what I am doing wrong :/ And there are many other such rules- I for one, am oblivious to them- I make my own, I follow my own and together, i create whatever works for the guy I am with and myself. It has obviously not worked so far, in as much, that I don’t have “the one” but it has worked in terms of making me the person I am today, giving me the belief I need and letting me grow the way I want to.
However, the other day I came across a picture and it caused me much amusement:
Usually not one to believe such statements, this one actually sits uncomfortably close to the truth- the more I like someone, the more I ignore them- especially if I am really close to them. It’s partly a self protective mechanism for myself because when it comes to love, I am not the biggest risk taker!
And then, I was assailed with doubts (‘cos we know how my belief has taken a knock over the last while) and came across this:
There is a lot of truth in the old adage “All’s well that end’s well”. And so on that hopeful and optimistic note, goodnight!
PS I love this post about why one should women who travel- geeky, travel crazy, gorgeous, friendly, successful- no wonder I intimidate men hehehe, will the real men please stand up and introduce themselves?!
I just saw my map today and this is a snapshot of the last 24 hours and I am amazed SO many people read my words, across so many different parts of the world- I am a wee bit embarrassed and think I may need to start being careful about what I write- oopsy!
In my own eyes, at the very least.
When I was stepping out today, I was really in the mood for some fun, a few drinks, lots of laughs and good times with mates. However things didn’t quite go as planned- most of it in my own head. When I left home, I was in the company of gremlins, hobbits, dancing puppies, laughing lions, rock tigers- how could I not have a good night, right?! Surrounded by 4 of my best friends, it was bound to be absolutely frigging fantastic.
However, 15 mins down the road, I was hit with the wall of depression and knew, alcohol was definitely not an option. I seriously hope no one ever goes through the feeling that made me tweet what I did a few hours ago. So what changed- part of it was the side-effect of the medication, part of it was the cold welcome I got from my 2 best friends in the pub, part of it was the concern Blondie showed me (to some extent, it was exactly what I needed today), part of it an overreaction in my head.
In my irrationality, there are some amazing things I realised:
- Ryan has taught me unconditional love in a way few people unrelated to you or an animal can ever give you- I am exceptionally lucky to have someone like him care for me as much as he does- despite all the bad we have gone through- agreeably not a patch on the good we have been through- especially saying this when I think we are going through a really bad patch, that’s some lesson eh?
- Tigger plays a game on her own rules and this time, I give up- I felt a catch up meant a conversation of some sort but bar the rugby chat, I hardly spoke to her. Apparently me wanting to focus on my health and go to my doctor in India is not as important as being present for her birthday dinner- I may not even be here for my own birthday dinner, forget anything else (saying that, ideally I would like to be back in the country in time for Ryan’s)
- It is ok for me to support people when they don’t want to drink but apparently I don’t have the right to not drink myself- half my buzz went when people kept pushing me towards a drink- seriously, why, why, why?! Agreed I could be more craic today and I have been more craic without alcohol in the past but sometimes, when you need a hug and a chat with your bestfriends and you can’t get it, you feel nothing but alone
- Ryan and Tigger are so excited about their holiday and yes, I feel a twinge of jealousy- they are both so into each other and though I have no right to say a thing or expect a thing or anything, I so know they are going to hook up- part of me thinks that’s cute but if the last few weeks are anything to go by, it also means 2 less friends in my trio of besties :’( selfishly, can’t handle it! They may not think it will make a difference but they are certainly not like Mr & Mrs Glue
- Pat and I are becoming closer and closer and I am so glad for her in my life right now
- I miss a really good hug- nothing but a pure, good, well intentioned hug
So how really did I lose my dignity?!
I lost my dignity because I alienated who I consider a best friend, another 1 thinks I am overreacting in my “fear” of doctors and everything medical, another 1 is concerned and supportive but well- there is only so much I can depend on her and yet another- well, I haven’t seen her in ages- living in the same house doesn’t mean friendship.
Right now, I feel alone- SO alone- so lonely in anyone’s company- despite an amazing night with friends.
And I am so confused- so F*CKING confused- what the heck is happening with me- where is the iron maiden that is me, why do I feel as if a car has hit me and driven over me and cut me into tiny little pieces, why do I not know what I want, yet why do I know what I truly want and not sure how to get it.
I know I need a holiday and a trip to India but I don’t think this will get solved even then- I am so so so so tired. I am so down and out, that I really dunno what to do, how to solve it or even who to talk to! Damn, I need you Winnie but even that I am not sure is the answer for me right now.
Oh please, dear world- HELP! However, the one I know is I am not willing to give up- I am gonna try, try, try, try and try even more till I get what I want, ‘cos even if I need to completely reinvent myself somehow, I will succeed and be the happy person that I usually am. Boy, this is a tough blimp in my life and I for sure, can’t handle it.
Tonight, just might be the night I need to follow this train of thought…
As a victim of sexual abuse myself, I have always felt like an outcast to the society even without mentioning it- despite the rational understanding that almost 25% of people have been victims at some point and 60% of those are from people we know. I might be that unlucky statistic who has been a victim thanks to both a known and an unknown person.
I think the words in this image captured at one of the Slut Walks are absolutely fantastic!
I yearn for the day people mature up and smell the coffee.
Happy Women’s Day folks- even if I am not sure what the purpose of today is- shouldn’t everyday be everyone’s?!
I am very fond of Drake’s words- I know I expect a guy to jump through hoops and often tar them with a guilty brush and expect them to clean up other people’s mess- yeah, messed up is me! But I am aware and I try not to take it out on the men I date most of the time :/
For a women in business/ careers perspective, here is a video that shares some thoughts/ results on the matter- I am one of the few statistics who actively manages her career (even if I sometimes suspect I have failed), makes changes despite the risks at large (even if it means losing everything) and change roles when unhappy.
One of my favourite festivals EVER is Holi- the pure spirit of freedom, colours, friendship, hope, optimism that this one day captures is just amazing- I have come across those who refuse to celebrate and participate because they can’t seem to let go and enjoy themselves… but to me, it is one of those beautiful ways of celebrating humanity- ‘cos with the mask of colour, the world is a level playing field and I, for one, am a massive fan of equality in a lot of ways! (oh yes, I do pull the “I am a girl” card every so often!)
So though I have reached the stage where I myself don’t miss not getting coloured up and dirty and having a good time, I do have amazing memories of the celebrations over the years- with my family, with my friends, in India, in Ireland and you know what, they make me smile.
So instead, today, I will raise a vodka and a toast to that hope and optimism and warmth that Holi still inspires in me but I will not regret not being home getting dirty in the garden.
HAPPY HOLI!
At the end of the day, doing something ‘cos you wanna do it is the ONLY way forward. How life works out is a combination of luck, hardwork, grabbing opportunities and more hardwork.
For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know I am always questioning my identity- my beliefs, my values, my expectations etc. I am beginning to wonder is this an Indian girl thing, as our society changes and we trail blaze it for the others or is it a me thing going through my own version of ABCD (American Born Confused Desi- the difference being I am Indian Born Confused Leprechaun) but here’s thought from another amazing Indian lady and how she feels free to be herself. (In true small world fashion, turns out she is the sister of a friend’s friend! Go figure!!)
I suppose this is even more relevant to me today because I was at a meeting the other day and constantly being introduced as “X’s daughter” or “Y’s niece” and NOT just for me- I stepped away from the cushy life of a family business to establish myself and my identity- I have obviously done a decent enough job of being recognised in my own right, in India and Ireland. Every so often, I do doubt myself- oh yes I do-
the things I lost out on while building up my identity and career- have they been worth it?,
the distance between a hug from my mother as often as I would like- has it been worth it?,
the contempt Ryan has for me at times (completely irrationally)- what’s it worth?,
the life of luxury I could have lived- am I glad I walked away?
You know what, in the end, nothing else matters because I know it was all MY choice and the freedom to do things MY way, lead MY life MY way and make MY own decisions is worth everything- every sleepless night, every stressful doubt, every trip to a new country, every obstacle on the journey and you know what- it is still going on.
The other day, I was back in my old office talking to the second most senior person- someone I have admired from my first interaction and someone I genuinely have a lot of time for. She is also one of the really few people I have always been inspired by- for her simple ways, her warmth, her encouragement, her dedication and her passion. So, to hear words like “you overwhelm me and make me feel inadequate” are high praise in themselves, but when she invites you to talk to * wait for this *
** breathe ** (me, not you)
*** drum rolls *** (again, for me, not you)
… to the WHOLE office- I don’t mean the Dublin office, or the Irish office- I mean, internationally- .i.e. almost 250,000 people globally- and these are some of the brightest minds in the world, then, well… you know her words were not just words.
STILL overwhelmed by her reaction. STILL in shock. STILL in complete awe of the lady.
And today, I have A LOT more self belief- so dear world, watch out- ‘cos I come with renewed energy (even if my sickness means I need to sleep every 3-4 hours and I feel like death warmed up) and optimism and faith. The world is definitely my oyster and here I am to take over as that meek engineer who actually makes the ship get to its course while the captain is too busy dancing and prancing around.
Boo yeah. Whoever said 2012 is going to be awesome was so right. Oh wait, that was me- see, already coming true!
The power of words is something else!
A friend of mine shared some amazing words with me earlier today: Do what you love everyday!
Absolutely amazing words of wisdom, for sure- and beautifully bound on red- does it get better?! Another friend shared this image with me and it’s a pretty good reminder to preach what we teach!
So apparently there are a few different types of capital that people are generally evaluated on, it’s kinda of the new caste system. Three of these being monetary capital (your financial situation), your intellect capital (education and intelligence), your social capital (who you know) and the fourth being identified as the erotic capital. I personally believe, for many, there is a fifth- Exotic Capital.
Exotic has a different meaning to different people (’tis all about the perspective) and it is valued differently by them- some think the colour of the skin, the accent, the nationality, the nativity, the culture define it; some believe it is the way you think, what you do that defines it. I believe it is the “je ne sais quas” (spellings were never my forte), that unknown quality that really makes the other person stand out for us, because it’s that ethereal value/ quality about someone that drives one crazy- for example, geekiness is definitely something that grabs my attention and I find geeky men that little bit more exotic, even though I am a geek too. I also am fascinated by new accents and height…
So basically, at the end of the day, when I am evaluating whether I really want to have someone in my life, it is on a combination of those 5 capital scales and I suppose inherently there is a score that helps me determine the effort I will make towards a friendship…
Yet another reason to embrace your extraordinary and live big (I have a similar poster on my wall inspired by some words shared by a friend many moons ago and again by another earlier today as a reminder to live one’s dreams!)
I came across this piece of advise today and it is absolutely freaking awesome (just like 2012 is gonna be!)
Maybe that’s what I have been doing wrong, in the process of creating myself, I have been trying to find answers to some of the traditional questions too- time to let go and re-create, ‘cos as the image below captures, we all have our canvas to claim!
And sometimes, the best way to make our lives a masterpiece is to just BE HAPPY! So here are some easy ways:
I find happiness in spending time with my foster family in their holiday home on the beach and so I am going there for the weekend, bring it on! A few hours cat nap and then a good few hours of TLC, pampering, laughs and time with people I love This is the life.
I dunno if I am being paranoid, if Candy is irritated with me about something- it started when I told her something about the guy she was kinda dating (they are still friends and I never said a bad word about him!) or if Ryan has finally managed to wear me down, if my medication has me really in bits, if I am just over f*cking analysing!
But then I see this and I realise, there is NO point in trying to figure it out either!
And right now- I NEED my strength- I need my emotional, physical, spiritual, mental and irrational strength- all of it! I need, I need, I need. It’s no longer a want either.
I woke up to an email telling me a project I was working on is on hold for 6 weeks, this is beyond my timeline but I am still keen to work with it so tempted to just fly away for a while and go away to my mother, hide and forget everything.
However, I will still party and so maybe I should route my way through duty free and take advise from the map below:
Bring on the happy hormones again, someone, please. Can I have the hallucinations only without these depressive spells, please, pretty please, with sugar on top?
Some interesting quotes and pictures I have found about life recently that most people need to read, me thinks:
- Since I have been talking fear for a while… let’s focus on it’s flipside- COURAGE
-The true PURPOSE of life:
- And when you enjoy life, you are truly ALIVE and this is what the world needs:
- And remember- it’s all about pushing yourself further:
- And sometimes, the only way to do it is
Life- it means different things to different people and it constantly changes it’s focus through the test of time… so why is it that we try to further complicate it?
I think, going forward, this should be our mantra: Keep it Simple!
‘cos it’s tough enough as is- let’s take a piece of advice from this image, shall we?
And you know what? If you have been meaning to do something, stop making excuses and take a leaf out of Nike’s book and Just Do It!
I don’t want to throw in the towel or kick the bucket but the last few days have certainly made me want to do that….
The last few days have made me question life, especially my own- do I really want to be in the situation I am in? do I really want to be doing what I am doing? do I want to live in India or Ireland? do I know how to get the answers to my questions?
Unfortunately, when I am down and out- I am unable to focus on making the right decisions, or thinking rationally… I feel so let down by the Irish medical team, again. I feel so alone when I feel I can’t call anyone to bring me some food. I feel so alone when I can’t get a hug to help me sleep when I can’t sleep. I feel so silly for these feelings that I wouldn’t be feeling if I wasn’t on these pills!
There is so much to my life- so much going for me, yet all I can focus on is the negative- the downside of not having shared a laugh with Candy for a few days, the downside of not having seen Ryan while I was sick, the downside of being away from my family the past few weeks, the downside of not having a job and the social interaction, the downside of everything, knowing full well that if most people had half the amount of stuff I have going on in my life right now, they would be on top of the world- have I really made life so much tougher to enjoy for myself?!
Do I need to change myself? If so, exactly what, how and by when?
No matter what movie I watch, I feel there is a part of my life being represented in it- is this just me being gullible or is it the directors doing a brilliant job…
Today it is “Two week’s notice”- the relationship between Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, and their professional relationship- the interesting bit is the end… and is it that these fantasies make me believe in the best of everyone and everything. And is this why I expect too much at times- like expecting my best friend to come visit me when I am sick, like a hug from my mother (well I would have gotten that if things could be!), like expecting people to do the right thing and not get caught up in their bloody ego wars!
The argument about perfection reminds me So much of exactly what Ryan and I used to fight about- he said those very words to me and so it amuses me to see them being repeated, word for word on telly. Sigh.
Someday, I am going to make the time, if I could care enough, to put together my life through movies… have often been asked to write a book so this may be the easy option out hehehe.
The medication I am on has weird side effects- I hallucinate and I go into depression- one is definitely more fun than the other. I wish I could capture some of my imaginative hallucinations but at least I am keeping in line with the philosophy- no dolphins in nappy this time at least!
So Friday, Feb 24 didn’t go the way I wanted it to.
However, it did get me thinking- is this the way I want to live? Is this why people make the choices they do- they are actually more evolved than I am, or well mature at least?
For the first time ever, I considered a route I have scoffed in the past and thought of as “the easy route out” but now I can understand that- a part of me actually wants to go through with it but I think it’s a very selfish way of dealing with the situation.
Sigh- every time I think life is finally uncomplicating itself, it goes down yet-another-twist. I am TIRED.
VERY f*cking tired.
When will life fix itself?!
